by Noah Harris
“It means,” Dylan shifted awkwardly, feeling restless and anxious but unwilling to move away from the comfort of Blake’s body, “you are a good father. You’re actually there for her. You’re getting to watch her grow up, to teach her. You’re basically raising her on your own while I go off and do my own thing.”
Blake was silent for a moment, and when he spoke, there was a slight hitch to his voice, a confusion and wariness. “I don’t…understand. Do you…regret going on missions with your team? Would you rather stay home with us?”
“No,” Dylan shook his head as he pushed himself up on one elbow. His brows were pinched, lips pursed into a small frown. His eyes were still on Lily, but he could feel Blake’s gaze raking over his face, scrutinizing and calculating, trying to understand where he was coming from. Perhaps that’s why he sat up to begin with. To let Blake see his face. Hoping that he would read him like he always could, and see in his face all the things that Dylan found so hard to say. “That’s the problem,” he continued, frustration lacing his voice. “I don’t regret going on missions with my team. I wish I could do them more. I don’t want to stay home. I don’t want…” He felt the first of his tears fall, and he angrily rubbed it away. He didn’t want to cry. It was stupid to cry, but his body betrayed him. He heaved a heavy sigh. “I don’t want to live a life like my parents.”
“You don’t have to,” Blake said, reaching up to cup his cheek in his hand, thumb wiping another tear away. Dylan still couldn’t bring himself to meet Blake’s eyes. “No one is asking you to, Dylan.”
“I know, but…” he forced himself to breathe through his nose, trying to calm down, hating the way his voice shook. “It’s expected of me. And I’m missing so much of Lily’s life because of what I do, and who knows how much of our second child’s life I’ll miss, but I can’t just sit at home. I can’t, Blake. I get restless, unhappy and anxious, and I feel bad because you’re there and Lily’s there, and I love you both so I shouldn’t be unhappy being home with you for months on end, but—“
“Shhhh, Dylan, shhhh,” Blake soothed, holding his face gently in both hands now, forcing Dylan to look at him. He finally met those eyes, expecting to find judgement or discontent in those blue depths. Instead he found uncertainty and fondness, worry and kindness. Blake ran his fingers through Dylan’s hair, running his hands over his cheeks until he calmed down. “I know,” he said, repeating it like a mantra. “I know, babe, I know. Breathe with me. That’s it.”
Dylan closed his eyes, drawing in a shaky breath and letting it out with Blake. He felt himself calming down, but his hands were still shaking. He hadn’t meant to say all that aloud. He had been hoping it would go away before he had to.
Blake, however, didn’t seem to think less of him for it. His voice was calming, an edge of solemn amusement there. “I know, Dylan. I know you’re a wandering spirit. It’s part of the reason I love you.” They were both sitting up now, Dylan pulled himself into Blake’s lap, curled up in his arms with his face buried in Blake’s neck. Blake’s hands rubbed over his back soothingly. “No one is asking you to give it up forever. Just for now. It won’t be permanent. Our kids will get older and need us less, and we’ll be free to do more.”
“I don’t think I’m a good father,” Dylan said, voice low, breath brushing against Blake’s collarbone. His confession whispered into the early morning light. It made his stomach sink, hard as stone, an odd stillness coming over him as he realized he had finally said it out loud.
“Dylan,” Blake said, voice tinged with sadness as he held him tighter. “You are a good father.”
“I…I try, but…I feel like when it comes down to it, I’m just not…cut out for this.”
“You’re trying and that’s all any of us can ever do. Besides, parenting isn’t a one person deal. It’s a joint effort. We’re a team. Lily has never once blamed you for being away.”
“But what if I’m worse with our second child? What if I get more restless and need to be away more? What if…you…”
Blake chuckled then, low and soft. Dylan could feel it vibrate through his chest. “I’m not leaving you, Dylan. I can’t blame you for wanting your freedom. Being with you, having you as my mate, it’s a dream come true.” He leaned back, forcing Dylan to look up at him so he could press their foreheads together. “You’re not getting rid of me that easily.”
Dylan gave him a small, watery smile, resting his hands over Blake’s where they cradled his face.
“It’s only temporary, okay? Remember that. The first few years of parenthood are always hard. It’ll get easier, and you’ll grow used to it.”
Dylan allowed himself to breathe easy.
Maybe everything would be alright, after all. Blake was probably right. He usually was. The first few years would be hard as he had to adjust to all the changes, but things would probably get better. They had to. He should be a better parent the second time around, not worse, right?
Blake always knew what to say to calm his anxieties and worries. What would he do without his mate?
He breathed a sigh of relief, and Blake chuckled. “Better?” Dylan nodded, the smile that crept across his lips a little more certain. “Good, I’m glad.” He leaned back, hands rubbing Dylan’s shoulders. He hummed, appreciative. “Besides, you’ll have plenty of time to spend some one-on-one bonding time with Lily while I’m gone.”
Dylan froze, smile falling from his face as he gazed at his mate, brows furrowing. “Excuse me?” he asked, voice flat and blank.
Blake seemed oblivious to his change of mood, simply smiling and pressing a soft kiss to his lips. “When I go help rescue Rajiah and Remi,” he said, a familiar note of ease and casual cheerfulness entering his voice, “you’ll have plenty of time to spend with Lily alone. Make up for lost time, you know?”
“No,” Dylan said, grabbing Blake’s wrists and pulling his hands down. He leaned away, pinning him with narrowed eyes, his gaze searching Blake’s face. Blake finally seemed to notice the change, his own expression becoming uncertain and calculating. Dylan went on. “I don’t know. Because I won’t be here. I’m going with you.”
Blake’s expression instantly hardened. His own eyes narrowed, blue irises sharpening to ice. His lips, always lax with a smile that seemed ever present and ever calm, pressed into a small frown. “You are not.” His voice was as hard as his face, firm and resolute. Dylan could feel his alpha presence building, could smell it in the way his scent strengthened, pressing in on him, subtly trying to force him to submit.
Dylan refused, pushing back with a stubborn flare of his own. “Yes, I am,” he said, his voice hard.
“No, Dylan, you’re not,” Blake said, softening his tone.
Dylan knew that tone. That was his firm patient tone, the one he used with Lily. With people who weren’t seeing things logically. Dylan had always admired Blake’s ability to maneuver social situations to his favor, but right now, it just sounded condescending and it grated on his nerves, causing his anger to flare up even more.
Blake’s hands were on his shoulders, rubbing his upper arms. “You just got home from a mission, and had it been up to me, you would have been home sooner. I let you stay that time, but I won’t let you go out on another mission this late into your pregnancy.”
Dylan shifted off his lap, putting space between them. “You won’t let me?” Dylan said, acid in his tone. He crossed his arms over his chest. “You don’t control me, Blake.”
Blake didn’t let up, his alpha presence pushing on Dylan’s skin, scent attempting to overpower his senses. But his omega had never been one to submit to a show of force. “Dylan, as your mate, your husband, and your alpha, I can’t, in good conscience, let you come,” he said, voice reflecting the ice in his eyes. “You are staying here, where it’s safe.”
“I’m going,” He repeated. “Whether you like it or not. Rajiah needs me. Arulean needs me. You need me.”
“I need you to be safe. I won’t be any good if I’m constantly worryi
ng about you.”
“I can handle myself. I know my limitations.”
“You’re not in top shape, Dylan. You’re—“
“What?” He cut him off, spitting out the words, trying to keep his voice down to avoid waking Lily. “Weak? Despite my condition, I’m not weak. I know I can still be of help.”
“Dylan—“ There was warning in his voice. Dylan ignored it.
“I was fine with my team, and I was fine running patrols.”
“It’s too dangerous—”
“I can handle myself—“
“Not in your condition—“
“I’m going with you. You can’t stop me.”
“You’re staying here, and that’s final.”
The tension in the room was thick and choking, energy sparking between them where their aura’s clashed. Their scents were strong, acidic, and bitter, no longer mixing and melding peacefully, but disjointed and raw.
“Daddy? Papa?”
Lily’s voice cut through the air, and they both tore away from their staring match to look over at her bed, where she was sitting up, rubbing her eyes.
Blake’s face instantly softened, though his shoulders were still stiff. “Mornin’, baby girl. Come here, we have something we need to tell you.”
Dylan’s head whipped round and he looked at him sharply, arms still crossed and expression still pinched. “This isn’t over,” he hissed, voice pitched low enough that Lily couldn’t hear.
“On the contrary, babe.” Blake’s smile was still in place as he reached out to help Lily climb onto the bed. Despite his smile, he spoke low and stern, voice as piercing and unyielding as his eyes when he turned to meet Dylan’s gaze. Dylan felt a shiver run down his spine. He very rarely saw that look directed at him. “It is.”
_______________________
As it turned out, telling Lily that she would soon be a big sister was the easy part. She took the news very well, excitedly jumping up and down on the bed as she wondered aloud whether it would be a brother or a sister, and asking whether or not she was allowed to choose a name.
Dylan had put on a smile for her sake, but it faded every time he caught Blake’s cheerful expression. Whenever he caught Dylan looking at him, his false smile widened, eyes sharpening. His scent hadn’t calmed down at all, keeping the tension in the room high but making sure it was beyond Lily’s ability to sense.
It hadn’t taken Blake long to excuse himself, claiming that he had to help the witches and Arulean prepare for the mission. He had kissed Lily, ruffled her hair, and told her Dylan would be with her all day, pinning Dylan with a pointed gaze as he said it. Then he pressed his lips to Dylan’s in a soft, chaste kiss before slipping out of the room.
The kiss had been an attempt at apology, but his lips had been cold.
All in all, dealing with Lily knowing that he was pregnant turned out to be quite easy. The hard part was finding Blake alone after their conversation that morning.
Blake avoided him for the rest of the day, and being with Lily constantly made it difficult for Dylan to be able to corner him. Every time they managed to find him, he would greet them with a cheerful fondness that looked genuine to an outsider, but Dylan knew him better than that. Dylan had gotten good at reading his mate, and he knew when the emotions he showed were fake. Blake would greet them happily, and every time Dylan tried to bring up their conversation or anything in relation to the mission, Blake would interrupt and ask Lily about her day or get her excited about something else. Frustrated didn’t begin to describe how Dylan was feeling.
Blake was using their daughter against him. He got her all riled up so she wanted to go here immediately, wanted to do this thing right now, wanted to show him this thing she could do. And Blake was smart. Blake was cunning. He’d always known that about Blake, as Dylan had seen it used on so many people throughout their years together. He had just never had it turned on him before. Not like this.
Blake was clever, and he was using Dylan’s confessed insecurities against him.
Because when Dylan saw Lily look up at him, excitement sparkling in her eyes, smile wide and genuine, hand tugging at his as she talked about whatever she wanted to show him, Dylan couldn’t find it in himself to say no. He wanted to. God, he really wanted to. He wanted to tell her no and to sit down with Blake and tell him in no uncertain terms that he was going on this mission.
But he already feared he’d lost too much time with Lily. He was already afraid that he wasn’t paying enough attention to her. He already felt guilty that he saw her as an inconvenience sometimes.
And his resolution crumbled as Blake knew it would. He let her drag him away every time, lips pressed into a firm frown as he glared at Blake over his shoulder, hating the way his mate simply smiled back at him.
He never thought he’d end up resenting Blake’s smile.
He knew Blake was sneaking behind his back. He knew that they were secretly planning everything to do with the mission without him. They knew of Rajiah and Remi’s vague location. They were only waiting to gather a little more intelligence, a few more supplies, and for the remaining members of Arulean’s inner circle to arrive before setting out.
He knew they were crafting battle plans, and it was like an itch beneath Dylan’s skin that he wasn’t a part of it. No, not an itch. It was a fire. A sting. Hornets raging beneath his flesh at the thought of his mate participating in meetings he should be a part of, too. Meetings that were going on without him because Blake insisted that they should. And he couldn’t even interrupt them or barge into them because he was stuck with Lily.
He couldn’t leave her. She was too insistent on spending the day with him thanks to Blake, and whenever he suggested she spend time with someone else for a bit while he took care of business, she gave him a sad, pitiful eyed look and a watery pout that he was certain she learned from Blake.
It broke his heart, and turned his resolve to dust, guilt hammering through his ribcage with a vengeance.
He tried to coerce her into playing with the other kids, but she didn’t want to. She was so firmly set on the idea of spending the day with him. He felt trapped, tethered, shackled, and he knew that was exactly how Blake wanted him. He didn’t see any of the inner circle during meals, nor did he see the witches. It made his blood boil and the burn beneath his skin worse. He wanted to be there. He needed to be there.
And the longer the day went on, the more he found his temper flaring, the more snippy he got with Lily, and the more he feared he would snap.
_______________________
The snap came later that day, when they were settling down to eat dinner in the dining hall.
The witch he had spoken to the other night, Cynthia, came over to say hello, stopping by on a food run for some of the others. She clasped him on the shoulder, leaning her weight into him and propping her other hand on her hips. “Hey, there, wolf man, haven’t seen you around. Though Blake told us you’ve been busy.”
Dylan clenched his teeth at that, he couldn’t trust himself to speak as anger bubbled through him.
Cynthia didn’t seem to notice. She squatted down, resting her forearms on her knees. “And this must be Lily. I’ve heard a lot about you, little wolf.”
Lily hid behind Dylan’s leg, fists gripping the hem of his shirt. “I’m not a wolf…”
Cynthia just grinned, giving her a little wink. “Not yet, but someday. My name’s Cynthia. I’m a witch.”
Lily’s face scrunched up. “What’s a witch?”
Dylan placed a hand on her head, running his fingers through her hair. He did it to calm himself just as much as it was to calm her. He tried to focus on his breathing. Steady inhales and slow, sharp exhales. His eyes scanned the room, looking for any sign of his mate. He knew he wouldn’t find any. He could feel through their connection that Blake wasn’t nearby, but that was about all he could feel from him. The man had kept their emotional bond on lockdown since that morning, removing himself from Dylan, and it hurt.
/> “I can do magic,” Cynthia said, and he glanced down in time to see her lift a hand, three small balls of light appearing above her palm, weaving around her fingers as she wiggled them.
Lily stared in wide eyed awe. “Whoa...”
Cynthia laughed. “Yeah, whoa is right.” She closed her hand, and the lights disappeared. Pushing herself to her feet, she put her hands on her hips and turned to face Dylan, an easy smile still on her face. “It’s a shame you won’t be able to make it.”
Dylan blinked, giving her his best blank-face stare. “What?”
He could tell from the way her smile faltered and her eyes grew worried that he wasn’t very successful on the staying neutral front. She tilted her head to the side. “You know…won’t be going on the—“ She glanced down at Lily for a moment before returning her eyes to him. “The mission? It’s a shame, cause I was looking forward to seeing you in action. I’ve heard a lot about you. But like, I get it, you know, ’cause—“ She held her hands out in front of her, mimicking a rounded belly. “Baby on board, and all. It’s understandable you want to stay behind.”
Dylan felt his stomach clench, nausea rolling through him, bile on his tongue. He clenched his jaw shut, feeling the tick of the strain in his temple. His hand on Lily’s head stilled, but his other hand was now clenched tight into a fist, nails biting into his palm. He saw Cynthia’s expression falter even more. “Who said I didn’t want to go?” he asked, voice quiet and flat, dangerous behind the steadiness. He already knew the answer.
“Um…Blake did?” She said, voice wavering with uncertainty. “I’m…sorry, was that wrong? He’s been telling everyone that you won’t be joining us because you wanted to spend more time with Lily and keep the baby safe and all that...none of us even thought to question it.”
Of course they didn’t. Who would? A pregnant father wanting to stay home with his daughter and keep himself and his unborn child safe from a mission that could be considered dangerous? Any other man would do the same.
