by Gwen Hayes
I hesitated at the door. A person of my height needed a stepladder to get into his truck, but I managed to hurl myself in without breaking any bones. “Where are you going?” I asked as I slammed the door behind me.
Haden flashed me a grin. “You ever been stumping?”
“Er . . . I don’t even know what that is.”
“It involves muddy logging roads, four-wheel drive, and holding on to the ‘oh, shit’ handle above your door.” His grin was infectious, but his words scared me. He gentled his tone. “You don’t have to go. I can drop you off someplace else. It’s just something that I like to do. It makes me feel . . . alive, I guess.” He gestured to the forestry road sign. “You in or not?”
What I was in was a lot of trouble. The thought of stumping terrified me, but so did everything else. This fear had its appeal. Haden offered me a respite from the void inside—something tangible. I could cling to the handle above the door and know, for the first time this week, exactly what was scaring me. “I’m in.”
He smiled. “You sure?”
I nodded. “I’m sure.”
Serendipity Falls didn’t boast any malls or box stores. We were a small place, about five thousand in population. What we lacked in sophistication we made up for in nature. Close to the mountains and the beach, not to mention the falls, the high school kids had lots of opportunity for getting away from stress caused by school and parents. My friends and I usually chose the beach, but a lot of guys, like Haden, liked the hills and the nonmaintained forestry roads.
His truck climbed the winding dirt road up a long incline, and my mouth was already dry. Haden’s hands were sure on the wheel, and his mastery of the curves gave me some measure of ease, but not enough to remember to breathe on my own.
“Do you do this a lot?” I asked, careful to avoid any conversation that might actually be what I wanted to talk about most. About the roses, and the dream, and whether I was insane or if he was actually haunting my sleep. About whether he had anything to do with the school bell. For the next hour, I just wanted to live for the minute I was in.
“Not as much as I’d like, but as often as I can.” There was joy in his tone; Haden thrived on his adrenaline and the whine his truck made before he shifted. “Back home, I used to take the truck out to get away from my mom when she drove me crazy. It makes everything else seem far away, you know?” He looked at me, tying my stomach in knots. “You understand, I think, the need to just stop being what everyone expects and just be?”
“I’m not sure I’ve ever really done that,” I answered honestly. “My father’s been pretty good at drumming that kind of behavior out of me. I hear his voice in my head even when he’s nowhere near.”
Haden nodded, his knuckles whitening as he gripped the wheel harder. “My mother—she’s the same way. She’s very controlling. I’ll never be what she wants, but it doesn’t stop her from trying. But when I go stumping, I can’t hear her. You’ll see.”
He turned off the “main” road onto what looked more like a bike trail. Something obstructed the road, but instead of slowing down, Haden went over it hard, jostling me against my straining seat belt. My heart caught in my throat and he hooted like a hillbilly.
He laughed at my expression. “Are you going to be okay?” he asked, echoing the question he’d asked me days before.
“I think I left my stomach back there.”
“Should I take you home?”
I clutched the handle resolutely. “Absolutely not.” Excitement coursed through my veins, replacing the fear for a blessed change.
Haden laughed. “Are you ready for some real fun now?”
With my other hand, I tugged my hair band loose. My father would have called me “my mother’s daughter” but I didn’t even care. “I’m ready.”
We flew, and each time we landed it felt like someone put me in a rock tumbler. Pretty soon, I was making my own Dukes of Hazzard exclamations. I never imagined myself ever yelling “Yee-haw!” before, but I loved it. Adrenaline tasted sweet like ambrosia, and I was loath to go home. For the next hour, I didn’t measure my words, my steps, my feelings. Alive in the moment, what I felt was joy. And terror occasionally, but mostly joy.
Haden dropped me off in front of my house. The first boy ever to do so. It was nice, to feel normal.
“Thank you, Haden. I really had a good time.”
“You look . . . flushed,” he answered.
Haden looked flushed too.
The cab was suddenly full of all the things I hadn’t said. Questions I hadn’t asked.
He hurried to fill the silence. “Maybe next time you can drive.”
“Oh, heavens no,” I answered. “I’d kill us both.”
I’d meant to be flip, but Haden winced and quickly looked out the driver’s-side window. I watched him retreat just as he always did. “I have to go,” he said without looking at me. “See you around.”
His dismissal stung. “Sure,” I murmured and opened my door. I had to jump to reach the ground. It felt like a very long way down.
I didn’t think to look at the caller ID on my phone when it beeped an incoming call. I assumed it was Donny calling about our plans for the night.
I never expected to hear a young man on the other end.
“Theia?”
“Yes?” The voice was familiar, but not overly so.
“It’s Gabe. From school?” As opposed to all those other Gabes I knew.
“Er . . . hello, Gabe,” I responded warily.
“Cheerios.”
“Excuse me?”
Gabe exhaled nervously into the phone. “Isn’t that something you guys say in your country? Cheerios?”
The conversation spiraled downwards from there, once I explained that some people did say “cheerio” as a greeting, I supposed. After more awkward ums, ers, and ahs were exchanged, Gabe ended a lengthy silence with, “You’re probably wondering why I called.”
“The question has occurred to me, yes.”
“Your friend . . .”
“Donny,” I supplied.
“Yeah. Look, I don’t make a habit out of trying to get information about a girl I like from her friends, well, not since sixth grade anyway. It’s just, she’s being . . .”
“Difficult,” I answered.
Gabe chuckled. I liked his voice; it was deep and sincere— confident. I liked Gabe for all the same reasons. He continued to discuss Donny, alternating between reverent adoration and sublime irritation. At some point, I realized I was walking around the room and laughing and talking to a boy on the telephone and feeling completely at ease.
“Does she ever . . . talk about me?”
“She very adamantly refuses to discuss you most of the time.” I softened the blow with, “I think that’s a very good sign.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
Donny would have killed me if she’d known I was talking about her. Gabe would be good for her, though. I knew it in my heart. “We’re going to Chasm tonight. If you’re . . . around.”
“Yeah?” he answered.
“Yeah.”
“Thanks, Theia.”
“Cheerios, Gabe.”
Later that night, I momentarily wished to be back on the dance floor with the ghouls rather than staring at the dance floor filled with my peers. The thump of the bass jarred my musical sensibilities, which I admit are quite sensitive. My mind raced to pick up strains of harmony and melody, but all I could feel was the thwomp thwomp thwomp in my chest.
You would think we’d have been more guarded with our hearing after losing it for those hours yesterday. Instead, I think we all reveled in the abuse of our eardrums.
Donny nudged my bare shoulder. “So how did you really get out tonight? What did you tell Daddy Dearest?” She’d mastered the art of speaking in a tone I could hear above the music. I wasn’t as fortunate.
“I said ‘good night,’” I yelled, feeling foolish. By nature, yelling wasn’t something I did, and certainly
not well. My voice cracked. “Father’s flight got bumped, so he won’t be home until morning.”
“Don’t tempt me like that. I might keep you out all night.” Even as she spoke to me, she didn’t look at me. Donny’s eyes were studying the scene, looking for someone—I wondered if it was Gabe. “Stop fussing with your hair,” she chided me.
She wasn’t even looking at me—how did she know? “I can’t help it. It feels weird.”
She’d styled it for me, of course. I was, for all intents and purposes, a creation of Donny that night. My hair felt big to me—but I had to admit, she’d arranged my curls into something of a masterpiece and the freedom from hair restraints not only felt good but also loosened my spirits a little.
My makeup was an altogether different experience. Shellacked and powdered, I protested her heavy hand, but my objections were dismissed. As were my protests about the red halter shirt she put me in, claiming it was a dress. If my future included a street corner and a pimp named Ice Money, I’d be ready.
As there was already one streetwalker in our group, Donny went with very little makeup, braided pigtails, and what I can only guess was an outgrown school uniform. She was quite a bit taller these days. The combination stunned just about every guy that looked at her.
Every so often, I tried to blend back into the wall and Donny would pinch me. For the first time ever, I wished she would ditch me for a pretty boy. If Ame had been there, at least the punishments would have been meted out between the two of us, but Ame’s mother had unrepentantly called a “family night.” Worried about the lasting psychological effects of the week, she wanted to grasp the opportunity for parent/ child communication.
Such were the hazards of being the daughter of a psychologist, Amelia often lamented. Truth be told, I envied that her parents at least wanted to have a close relationship. So Ame stayed home like a good girl, and I snuck out like a bad one. I already longed for a good book and my quilt.
I’d sought Haden in the throng of people since we’d arrived, but wasn’t sure he was even coming until I felt the frost of his glare. My gaze darted up to the balcony to find his eyes trained on me, his expression pinched in anger. He wore all black, perfectly tailored. Perfectly dangerous.
And angry. He looked very, very angry. The chill of his stare, like jagged ice rubbing on my spine, made me shudder.
I’d wondered what it would be like to see him again after our brief respite of fun before he’d gotten cold again. I didn’t know why he was so mad, but for some reason I liked it. Like I had some precarious power over him. Even if it was a bad idea to use it.
There were no “oh, shit” handles nearby, so I grasped Donny’s hand and squeezed.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
Nothing came out when I tried to speak. He hadn’t broken eye contact with me. My body responded to his anger in a tangle of desire, making me aware of the erogenous zones Donny often spoke of even when I begged her to shut up.
Donny leaned down and spoke into my ear. “Star-belly Gabe is here. Oh, boy.” She tried to sound droll, but I wasn’t stupid and I knew her too well. “Great, he’s coming this way. God, why can’t he just take a hint and leave me the hell alone?”
Gabe threaded through the crowd with purpose, but when he reached us, he grabbed my hand and ignored Donny. “Theia, you look amazing. If you don’t dance with me, you’ll break my heart.”
Donny gasped and then recovered, though none of us were impressed with her charade anymore. “Your kind doesn’t have hearts.”
He shot back, “You don’t know anything about what kind I am. When you’re ready to find out, look me up.” He squeezed my fingers lightly. “Please?”
The dancing looked far less complicated than the macabre waltz I’d accompanied Haden to. The kids just swayed and bobbed their heads to the music. Some were grinding against one another, like sex to music—but not everyone felt the need to molest one another.
I glanced up. Haden still gripped the balcony rail intensely. Spellbound by his dark gaze, I struggled to fight the alarm that fisted around my heart. Panic was not the sole emotion I dealt with. He excited me too.
Part of me, the most wicked part, sang to provoke him further.
I accepted Gabe’s invitation while directing my smile to Haden. As we moved towards the floor, I justified my little rebellion. Haden had no claim to me. He ignored me when it suited him and paid attention to me only when it served his purpose . . . whatever that purpose was.
Maybe I needed to force his hand.
The acoustics were actually much better on the dance floor, though Gabe tried talking and I couldn’t hear him.
“Huh?” I yelled.
He rested his hands on my arms and spoke low into my ear. “She looks like she’s about to spit nails.”
He wasn’t wrong about that. Donny circled the edge of the floor like a lion preying on a gazelle. And Lord, she looked sexy. I wished I had that kind of power. It wasn’t just her clothes, not that they didn’t help her cause, but she oozed a sexual confidence as molten as lava. It occurred to me that she would have been a better match for Haden than I ever was.
The spear of jealousy found its mark. And it hurt.
Gabe and I watched Donny slide her body between a random dancing couple. As the guy enjoyed the new shortskirted distraction, the other girl left in a huff. Donny pulled him closer, but it was Gabe she watched.
Gabe she wanted.
Gabe’s jaw ticked and the veins on his temples became visible. A glance to the balcony showed Haden with a similar rigidity in posture. The naked fury in his gaze flushed my veins with ice water. He was suddenly much more like the dangerous scoundrel from my dreams than the easygoing boy with the truck.
When Donny turned in her dance partner’s arms and slid provocatively against him like he was a stripper pole, I knew things were about to get very out of control.
I grabbed Gabe’s chin, forcing his eyes to mine.
“If you lose it right now, you’ll lose her,” I yelled.
He nodded, closing his eyes briefly to put himself back in place. “Why does she have to be like that? I’ve tried to show her . . . I care. It’s more than just a hookup. I don’t want to be a hookup.”
“Gabe, go cut in.”
He shook his head. “I just want to go home.”
As Gabe deflated in front of me, I realized I’d lost track of Haden. He’d left his perch, making me nervous. Taking care of all the testosterone in the club was getting exhausting.
“Go cut in.” I stepped back, giving Gabe the out he needed to stop dancing with me and claim what he really wanted.
Gabe took one look at her, smiling at him, daring him. He stalked over to Donny, physically snatching her away from the other guy and molded her to his body. She didn’t object and wound her arms around his neck, forgetting about the boy she’d been relieved of. And most likely me for the night as well.
I eyed the balcony. Next on my agenda was finding Haden.
He hadn’t returned to the rail, but he could still be upstairs. I shouldn’t have played the game. I didn’t understand the rules. At first I’d felt that momentary flicker of power, but now I felt at odds. Distraught, unfinished.
Flashes of skin and the occasional random touch of strangers as I passed eased me into what felt like another world. The dancing bodies slowed my pace as I swam through the crowd. The smell of sweat and perfume, the disorienting lights, and the thrum of the music felt primal. Waves of sexual energy washed over me, seeping into my own skin.
And I hungered for something elusive, yet the air was thick with the promise of it.
It surprised me, this new potent feeling. And it was the surprise that frightened me more than the actual rush of hormones. I couldn’t control feelings that came out of nowhere.
The stairs were treacherous in the unfeasible heels Donny had put me into, and by the time I made it to the vista where I’d last seen Haden, I knew he was gone.
A long sigh esca
ped my lungs. What was I even doing here? I shouldn’t have let Donny talk me into coming. Though my father might be too severe at times, this experience wasn’t worth the cost of rebellion.
I leaned against the rail and my heart stopped.
Haden watched me from below as he led a nimble blonde onto the floor of gyrating teenagers. She stared at him, awestruck like he was some kind of rock star. God, I thought she might be right. He murmured something into her ear, but he smiled at me—the kind of smile that signals the demise of the canary to the whims of the cat.
He hooked one arm around her waist and raised a brow to me. I wanted to hate him; the burn seared my heart. When he turned her to face me, my breath caught in my throat. She had no idea he was using her as a pawn to assert his control over me, but I’m not sure she would have minded even if she had known. I doubt, had the tables been turned, I would have cared. To be enveloped in his arms, surrounded by his scent, guided through a dance by his steady hands . . . No, I would gladly have played marionette to his puppet master too.
She ground against him, not unlike Donny but without Donny’s finesse. Or charm, for that matter. But I suppose charm wasn’t what that kind of dancing was really about. I tightened my grip on the rail if not my emotions, but nothing could make me look away. He’d trapped me in his sinful gaze designed to weaken my will, to raise the stakes in the battle for my heart. Maybe my soul. He wanted me to know what I was missing even as he made it clear I couldn’t have it. And I was depraved enough to let him.
The music changed tempo and they cut all the lights but the strobes. The effect heightened the feeling of displacement and made their dancing look like slow motion and out of sync with my perception. Haden gripped the blonde’s hips, holding her firmly against his pelvis. She let her head fall to the side, exposing the long white column of her neck. He sent me one more evil grin and kissed her neck.
My knees buckled. I felt the sensation of his lips on my skin. The kiss felt like a shock that started on my neck and traveled on my nerve endings all the way down to my toes. His hand skimmed slowly from her hip to her stomach . . . my stomach. As the sensation crept slowly towards my breasts, my breath hitched. I wanted to drop my head back, but I couldn’t. I was standing in the middle of a crowd by myself. He wasn’t touching me—I knew that logically, but not physically. The fangs of lust were sharp and without pity.
