by Kali Emerson
“I can’t believe I just did that.” He stepped back in amazement.
“But you did.”
He reached out and took my hand, and we stood there watching the fire blaze. I was so excited to be letting go, and starting new. Alex came at a perfect time, we would be able to start new, both physically and emotionally. He said he was nervous about doing the ritual with me, but I assured him he had nothing to be nervous about. We would feel a lot better, and hopefully have a clearer idea of what we wanted.
“Are you ready?”
“What do we have to do?”
I pulled out the papers that he wrote on handing them to him, then picked up the log we had decorated with herbs and oils to help us release everything, and manifest back.
“We have to tie our papers to the log and burn it.”
“That's it?”
“Yes.”
He bent down and met me in the sand, holding my hands as we used twine to tie all of our pain together. Everything we wanted to let go of, was contained and ready to be gotten rid of. We didn’t know each other for that part of our lives but there, tied together it didn’t matter. We were moving forward and getting rid of what we didn’t need anymore.
By the time we were done no more wood was exposed, we had completely covered the log. Together we let it fall onto the hot ash of the already burning fire. It sent a shockwave of sparks flying upward, and we took a few steps back so we didn’t get burned.
It burned for a long time, and we waited until all of the hot wood had turned to ash, before returning back to our hotel. The shift from hot, to cold, and back to warm made my nose become stuffy. I was so tired. The ritual took a lot out of me, and I needed to rest.
We were supposed to go home the next day, but the thought of leaving and having to go back and be a part of reality again drained me even more. We had gotten to relax, but it wasn’t long enough. The longer I was left without it, I didn’t want to be a part of the prophecy. I didn’t want to be a part of something so big and magnificent. If I had it the way that I wanted, I would spend entire eternities just laying next to him. He was the only thing that I wanted and I didn’t care what it did to anyone else.
I had begun to love him so deeply, that not even he could match the intensity of what I felt for him. I started to drown in it, and I wondered why after being along for so long I never wanted to leave his side. He was all I thought about from the moment I woke up, until the second my eyes closed and shipped me off into a world of dreams.
I never doubted the love that he had for me, or the loyalty. But because I didn’t know how love was supposed to feel,I couldn’t figure out if it was normal to feel that way, or if I had become obsessed instead of fallen in love.
It was so impassioned that it could very well be impossible to tell the difference. I turned over, and Alex was already facing my direction waiting for me to scoot closer to him and let him possess my body while we fell asleep together.
I had been ignoring phone calls from Fiona the entire time we were gone. She called me several times a day, and left voicemail I didn’t listen to. I ignored her texts, too because all I wanted was to be left alone.
When we woke up that morning to leave, we got up before the sun because we would have to drive back down to the city, then up to Boston. We would be in the car all day. All of the texts had been nonsense up until that point, saying things like ‘call me.’ or ‘where are you?’ even though we told her we were going on a vacation.
I was driving, and Alex had fallen asleep when I got another phone call from her, and I decided to answer.
“Hello?”
‘What is wrong with you?’
She scolded me from the other end but I didn’t know what she was talking about.
“What?”
‘You know exactly what I’m talking about.’
I thought about whether or not I had, but I still didn't.
“I don’t, just tell me I hate when you do that.”
‘Are you coming home now?’
“Yes, but can you just tell me what’s wrong?”
‘We know that you had contact with them.’
I didn’t say anything, and the sound of the ice cracking under the wheels overtook my head. I focused on the snowy road ahead of me and came out of my body for a moment. Not only was our plan ruined, but so was my friendship with Fiona.
12
I had been friends with Fiona since the beginning of middle school. She was my first friend, and my only friend, for a while. She was the only one that would continue to support me through all of my phases of life. My life was a revolving door, but she was the door man. She loved me through my late night drunk phone calls, crying about whatever I was killing with alcohol. She was there for me when I needed someone and I didn’t have anyone else.
As it was, after high school things changed. She was still there for me, but not in the way that I needed. She was emotionally distant and she stopped loving me unconditionally. There was a wall that she built between the two of us, and I didnt’ have the strength to knock it down. She didn’t understand my life anymore, or if at all.
Our understanding of each other had been based on a childish fantasy of what friends should look like, but it ended up being one sided. I needed her, but she didn’t need me. I turned into a side project to fix. In college she had plucked me out, adding me to her pretentious friend group. We never fit together, we were just products of our circumstances, and chose to go down different roads.
If she did love me, it wasn’t the right kind of love to love me through everything. I needed someone to love me the way Alex did, to see me as who I am and not who I could become one day. She’d been waiting for the day that I would turn my life around as if there was something wrong with the way I was living.
But, for some reason I couldn’t get rid of her. I got lost in a sea of confusion as I was trying to come up with the words that I would say to her, to end things. I knew that things would end because there was no other way that things could go. Her mom was on The Council, and she would be sworn in to be a part of it too. When we agreed to meet with The Council, they decided it was time that Fiona be officially part of it too.
Fiona buzzed the door to be let in. I walked across the apartment with my lit cigarette hanging in my left hand, to let her in. I was so nervous, I couldn't decide if I wanted to wait for her in the kitchen or by the door. I puffed a few times and walked back into the kitchen.
My bare feet smacked along the floor all the way back, pushing out the cigarette before she walked in. I knew she would be upset if she saw me smoking in the apartment again. Not that it mattered anymore anyway.
I rolled a joint as I stood there waiting for her to open the door to my condo. I heard the clicking of her shoes as she made her way down the hallway, toward my door. It was a short hallway, but the sounds lingered, heavy as I anticipated the worst.
The door creaked open, her timid steps creaking across the doorway. She took her shoes off at the door and crept inside, turning the corner into the room. A thousand conversations played through my head all at once.
“Hey." Her voice was low.
“Do you want something to drink?” She set her large brown leather tote down on the floor next to the table.
“Yes.”
“Alcohol?”
“Of course." She laughed nervously.
“How about this?” I held the last bottle of whiskey I had up, so she could see it.
She nodded and I grabbed two glasses out of a cabinet on the opposite side of the kitchen.
They clinked together as I sat them on the table, the wood crunched under the glass while I slid one toward Fiona. I popped the cap open and the whiskey hit the glass with a light ting. It only filled about a quarter of the way full, then with the ice filled to about half.
The chair scraped against the tile, and I sat down adjacent to her. She was so easy to read. Her face twisted, already emotionally prepared to be hurt. If she knew exactly w
hat I was going to say, it was apparent and meant her mother told her.
“Fiona.” I took hold of my glass and held it in front of my lips. She mirrored me, but her ice vibrated against her glass, exposing her even more. I pulled the corner of my lips into my teeth, grounding myself then took a sip, and slammed my cup on the table. Fiona chugged the whole thing.
I just had to tell her. I couldn't beat around it anymore, I needed to say it. I put the joint between my teeth, maintaining eye contact with her. I reached up my other hand and lit the end. I pulled a few times and then rolled the end to get the ashes off, into the tray.
“We just wanted to know more” I paused to gauge her reaction. She didn't move from where she was, she just stared at me.
“We went with them, someplace. I don't know exactly where.” I lied about not knowing. I couldn't give up that information to her.
“I’m not going. I’m staying here.”
“But you are going. You can’t keep playing both sides, Mara you have to understand that they hate each other to the point where my mom said that if she ever saw a member of The Coven, she would kill them without even second guessing herself and not feel guilty about it.” She pursed her lips and tears welled up but she wiped them right away, as if to try and hide them from me.
“I'm sorry." It came out more like a whisper. I was sorry, but I was sorry for her. She hung and shook her head, as if instead of sadness she was feeling disappointment suddenly. She could have come with me, but she was so fucking stuck on following the rules and doing whatever her mother told her to do. She left herself behind a long time ago, creating a shell of who she could have been. She would have been great, but she won't be.
“Fiona I-”
“-don't." She put her hand up to stop me.
“You do realize we can’t help you anymore, right. Since you’ve already talked to them, The Council will know. The Coven is going to taunt them with it.”
“It doesn't matter. We have a better chance with them to develop our magic."
“Why do you even want that?”
“You don’t want powers?”
“No.”
“You can't do this. I always knew you were a little cold but this…” She trailed off.
“I'm not cold, it's just common sense!” I stood up from my seat slamming my hands on the table, and my seat flew up levitating behind me. The anger grew inside of me, and I couldn’t keep it contained anymore. She was always trying to tell me what to do, and the one time I listened to her it could have been a disaster. She just confirmed it to me that Maria had no intention of helping, she knew what the prophecy really said and she was going to use it to her advantage, to stop us from getting stronger.
It was the one thing in the prophecy that was held uncertain, and she thought that she could change it for her own selfish desire. She wanted people to see what she had done, and she wanted to brag about it. She had lied about talking to us in secret, she was playing us the whole time we had intended on doing it to her.
She jumped up and back away from me ogling at the chair, then looked back at me.
“You're giving up, by going with them. Being the bad guy is easy." She pleaded, backing up. My chair slammed back on the ground and I sat down in it, regrouping my thoughts and taking another hit.
“I'm not the bad guy.” My voice was calmer then.
“You are if you do this.”
I closed my eyes, pushing away the heaviness in my chest.
“No." I opened them and looked into her hysterical eyes.
"You are.” She had tears all down her cheeks and on her pink sweater. Her lip was quivering waiting for me to say something else. But when I didn't speak again, she accepted that fate.
“You are not who I thought you were, then.” She lost the small hold she had and let out with a whimper. I let her cry for a minute, because she hadn't turned to leave yet. She sniffed hard and dried her eyes with her hands. They were red and blotchy, from the force of the pain.
“They have a target on my mom.” Her voice was still shaky.
“But I'm sure you knew that.” She took in short dramatic breaths, still crying. I didn’t know what she was talking about. We had only been there for less than an hour, and all they did was show us our past selves.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I thought harder, to try and remember if I had forgotten something.
“That’s bullshit. They're going to kill her.” She let out another sob. I only ached for her a little bit.
“I don't understand how this isn't making you feel sad.” Her mouth was turned down. Her empathic abilities picked up on my void of feelings for the situation.
“It is.”
“No it isn't.” She saw through the lie, and even though she was on an emotional roller coaster she felt through it, to see what I felt. It was the only way she could walk away. If she thought I felt nothing, even though I did.
She took a deep breath and centered herself. She took a paper towel off of the table and blew her nose and stood there again in my kitchen, drying herself off and catching her breath. She straightened up and looked at my own dry eyes.
“I loved you.” Her bag hung off her shoulder and she waited for me to answer her.
I didn't know what to say to her anymore. She would walk out the door no longer my friend, maybe she hadn't been my friend the last couple of months and this was just the final push.
“I'll walk myself out.” she shuffled to the door struggling to get her shoes on, then I heard the door open and slam shut.
Her footsteps echoed down the hallway, pausing for a few seconds before reaching the first step down. I listened to each step, until it was a faint click fading into the distance.
I hadn't moved from my seat. I was too numb still to move.
Although I didn't feel any pain when she left, I was consumed with an emotional nothingness. I couldn't move or breathe even. The high started to set in, and that mixed with the dizziness of not being able to feel. I'd lost grip of my sadness, and it dropped off into an empty hole within my body. It was gone.
I poured another glass of the whiskey, to the top that time with no ice and drank it down in a few gulps. It burned, but I powered through it. I felt around the counter for my pack of cigarettes, and lit one right away. I didn't know why I felt so heavy. I was tired, and had a good handle on alcohol so I knew I wasn't too drunk.
My phone buzzed and I ignored it, then I rolled another joint and I threw both of the glasses in the sink putting my lips to the bottle. I stumbled into the living room, landing on the couch changing the TV to The Food Network, and flicked the lighter but my hand fell just as the end was about to spark. My eyes started to get blurry and the images on the TV softened. The room started to spin and I felt blood in my nose.
My vision turned to static grey with black dots taking over my sight completely. I heard my phone buzz a few times, but I couldn't move. I felt the fabric beneath my skin, the hardwood under my feet, and the bottle slipping out of my hand, landing on the floor with a smash. But I was too fucked up to do anything about it.
My skin was vibrating at the same pace as my phone. Someone was calling me, but I didn't have muscle strength to grab it or answer it. Whoever it was probably knew where to find me, and if they didn't I didn't want to talk to them.
My eyes closed, and I started losing my consciousness. My vision went black and I heard a high pitched ringing as I came to what I thought was back in my own consciousness. There were variations of green only a forest could have, completely surrounding me.
I thought I had gotten blackout drunk and left, ending up someplace else. It had happened before so I wouldn't be surprised if I did. As the image grew clearer I could see that I was walking on the outer edges of a forest, not laying down.
As my vision became clearer I saw that I was in the meadow, and the trees were on fire around me. The ground shook beneath my feet as a storm of fire and ash rained down on the moist summer grass. The de
w was gone,replaced by thick soot.
I could tell that something was happening, but I didn’t know what it was. I felt the heat from the fire, and I heard screaming.
I was back in my apartment in Boston, someone was shaking me hard and I woke up suddenly. I gasped like I hadn't been breathing.
“Mara!” Alex yelled while scooping me up and laying me in his lap like a child. He ran his hands down my face and to my chest. I looked up at him and a tear dropped from my eye.
“Baby, I thought you were dead.”
I could have been, with what I'd just seen. It wasn't just a dream, I knew it.
“No. I just drank too much.” I pointed to the small amount of liquid on the floor where I'd dropped the bottle. I realized that was why I passed out like I did, I drank the entire bottle. He pulled me in and hugged me tightly.
“When I came in, your lips were blue and you were pale. You probably have alcohol poisoning.”
“No. I'm fine.” I sat up.
I felt fine so I wobbled to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee and drink some water. I looked at the time. I had been out the whole night.
I moved the curtains back from the kitchen window. Orange and yellow painted the spring sky at the same time, frost was melting off my window. The heat from the new day would erase any remnants of the cold air that lingered through the night. Alex was right behind me with his arms out as if I was going to fall any second.
“What time did you get here?”
“I just…got here I guess, and found you on the floor.”
The headache hit me. I thought mixing alcohol and pot would keep me from getting hungover, but whiskey was still whiskey. I found a bottle of Tylenol on the counter and took four. Then I grabbed two mugs out of the cabinet and set them on the table, pouring hot freshly brewed coffee into both.
“Can I have this?” He pointed to the joint I left on the table the night before. I nodded.
“I had some kind of weird vision last night. While I was asleep.”
“From the alcohol?”
