by Danni Roan
Falling back into her comfortable iron frame bed, Rainy pondered the situation. She shouldn’t have run from Nathan. She should have stood her ground, confronting him about all the pain he had caused. Her heart thrummed in her breast as she saw his handsome face once more, in her mind’s eye.
Sitting up, her heart racing, Rainy pondered the implication of meeting Nathan here and now. Would he want visitation rights? Did he realize that Lucas was his son? What if he tried to sue for custody? Eyes wide she stared at her son, as her soul filled with dread. Nathan could ruin everything she had worked so hard to overcome in the past few years. She couldn’t let that happen. She wouldn’t let him steal the greatest love she had ever known.
***
Nathan collapsed onto a hard bench, all the air rushing from his lungs, as confusion left him weak.
Rainy was here on the ranch. Rainy and the little boy he had helped get a cookie the day before. The boy had to be his, the eyes alone gave it away, and Nathan shivered as the reality struck home. He was a dad.
Dropping his head in his hands, Nate reminded himself to breathe as the warmth of the sun caressed his shoulder like a kiss. What was he to do? He was torn between racing into the house after Rainy or hiding in the barn. He wanted to know everything and ignore everything all at once. If he pursued the beautiful young woman, how would he be received? Surely Rainy must hate him for what he had done.
The guilt, shame, and sorrow that had been building in his soul threatened to overwhelm him and Nathan found it hard to breathe. “God help,” he uttered in a breathy whisper as tears stung his eyes.
Rainy was still as beautiful as she had ever been. He had never met a more loving and giving person in his life. Every moment he had spent with her came rushing back. Every kiss, every touch, every I love you spilled over him in a cascade of emotion.
How had he been fool enough to walk away from her? He had been young and so full of dreams, but Rainy could have been a part of those dreams.
“You gonna sit there all day or are ya gonna get on with it and die outright?”
Nathan looked up into the compassionate eyes of Red Dixon and shook his head.
“Tell ol’ Red what happened?” The old man slipped onto the seat across from Nate, a calming presence in the midst of the storm.
“Rainy is here,” Nathan forced the words through numb lips. “Rainy is here with my son.”
***
“Rainy, honey, are you up?” Owen knocked on his daughter’s door as he headed for breakfast. “Honey?” he asked again pushing the door open a crack.
“I already ate, Dad.” Rainy turned toward the window so her father wouldn’t see her tear-stained face. After so long you would have thought that her tears for Nathan and the love she had thought would last a lifetime would be all dried up, but they continued to flow.
“Honey, are you alright?” Owen stepped into the room and Lucas raced to him, grasping his knees.
“Mommy’s sad,” the boy said taking his grandfather’s hand. “A tow-boy made her cry.”
“Rainy!” Owen’s eyes were sharp as he made his way to his daughter’s side.
“I’m fine, Dad, really,” she turned offering him a bright smile. “It’s nothing. I’m just feeling a little tired and overwhelmed that’s all.”
“Rainy?” Owen’s tone was soft but inquisitive.
“I’m not ready to talk about it yet,” Rainy said. “Maybe you can take Lucas for a pony ride after breakfast.”
“P’ease, Poppa?” Lucas turned big brown eyes on his grandfather and the older man caved.
“Alright,” he grinned. “I’ll take you for a pony ride, and your mother can have a little rest.” Owen cut his eyes to his daughter as he took his grandson’s hands. It was obvious something had upset his little girl, but he knew enough not to push it. In time she would explain. If only he could be sure that she would always be loved and cared for even when he was no longer there for her, his heart could rest easy.
“Come on buckaroo, I need some food, and then we’ll see about a pony ride for my favorite boy.”
Rainy turned from the window as her father led Lucas out the door. It wasn’t fair that Lucas didn’t have a father. His words from earlier in the week echoed in her mind. Mommy, why don’t I have a Daddy like Kadence? and her heart clenched. Could she find the strength to talk to Nathan? Was she strong enough to let him into his son’s life if that is what he wanted? Turning back to the window Rainy gazed across the prairie, now bright with morning light. Mrs. Wade had said that God was her strength and guide, but how did you tap into that power when you needed it?
***
“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other, so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” Red’s words were soft but clear in the early morning air.
Inside the house, guests were gathering at the tables laughing excitedly as they ate together.
“Come on over to the barn,” Red continued. “You can talk on the way, but you need to be with people who understand.”
Nate fell into step with the old rodeo clown, his head hanging as his boots scuffed the damp grass. His head and heart were so tangled he wasn’t sure what to say.
“I want to do what’s right,” he finally managed as he and Red made their way into the cool barn. “I just don’t know how.”
A few moments later the duo was standing in a box stall as other men turned to stare.
“Nate needs some extra prayer,” Red said turning and looking at the younger man.
Cowboys, wranglers, and ranch hands moved in placing work-worn hands on Nate’s shoulders.
“What can we pray about?” Kade’s voice rumbled. “There’s nothing that the Father above doesn’t understand.”
Nate opened his mouth and all the doubt, worry, and indecision poured out. When he had finished he looked up meeting the eyes of the men around him. Eyes full of understanding, and memories of past wrongs.
“God will show you what to do,” Chase said quietly. “Depend on Him and know that we will continue for you in prayer.”
A deep, overwhelming peace settled over Nate, and he felt himself breathe fully for the first time that day. Around him, men’s voices lifted in prayer, and he surrendered his whole being to God. He didn’t know where this new revelation would lead, but he would follow, no matter what the cost.
Nate stood in the loft of the barn gazing down at the carousel of ponies a short time later. He had watched Mr. Smythe lead the boy to the corral and place him in the saddle.
Shaking his head, Nathan realized now that he should have recognized the Smythes earlier. He had known them well when he and Rainy were dating. Looking back he realized that he never should have left. His selfish desires to be something and bring in the big bucks had been the push that made him walk away when Rainy needed him most. He was a fool-kid back then, but now as a grown man, he could do something about it.
He smiled as the little boy, Lucas they had called him, yelled giddy-up to his placid mount and he suddenly wanted the past five years of his life to do over again. That child, gleefully riding the pony was his son, and he knew nothing about him. Nathan wanted nothing more than to race down the stairs rushing to the boy and hugging him tight, but he knew he had to win Rainy over first. She probably hated him for what he had done, and he couldn’t blame her if she did. Still, he knew that he was a new man in Christ and that second chances did happen. Nathan had friends praying for him, righteous men who believed in miracles. A wan smile slid across his face as he accepted this next step in his life. It wouldn’t be easy, making things right in any relationship never was, but he knew that redemption was real, and if he could convince Rainy, he had a chance at knowing the boy he had abandoned.
“Thank you, Father, that with you it is never too late. As long as there is breath there is hope. Guide me and give me strength. I am weak and lowly of spirit, but you are the Almighty, the King of Creation.”
A warm tune began to fill Nate’s chest and a soft hum eased from his throat as a new day and a new beginning started to unfold.
***
“Rainy, you can’t stay in your room all day. You’ve let that no good man take enough from you over the years, don’t let him steal this too.” Anne paced Rainy’s room throwing her hands in the air with every step. “Why I have a notion to go punch him in the nose.”
A soft snort emanated from Rainy and she covered her mouth even as the grin persisted. She wondered if Anne would do it, but on second thought, didn’t want her friend to damage her hand. Nathan had filled out in the past five years and was bigger and stronger than ever.
“You’d do it too,” she laughed feeling some of the joy she had experienced here on the ranch return. “It’s not worth it.” Climbing off of the bed, Rainy sighed and began rummaging in her suitcase for something pretty to wear. “Help me, get dolled up,” she shot her friend a wicked look. “I’m going to see him around here sooner or later, I might as well look my best.”
“You’re getting dressed up for Nathan?” Anne’s voice reached a shrill note. “After all he did?”
“No,” Rainy spoke slowly. “I’m showing him what he gave up, and that I’m perfectly fine without him.”
“Oh, now that’s more like it.” Anne leapt into gear tossing clothing everywhere as she searched for the perfect item. “You’re going to knock his socks off then poke him in the eye.”
Rainy shook her head but said nothing. There was no point speaking when Anne got like this. Instead, she simply did as she was told and soon even she thought she looked like a million bucks.
“I don’t think I’ll do anything with your hair,” Anne spoke as Rainy examined herself in the mirror. “It’s so beautiful already. I wish I could grow my hair out like that. It just breaks once it gets to a certain point.” She smoothed Rainy’s lush brown hair, pushing it over her shoulders to cascade almost to her hips.
“I don’t remember packing this dress,” Rainy said eyeing the pretty floral print she wore.
“That’s because I packed it,” Anne confessed. “I know you never want to dress up, so I made sure you could if you needed to. And a good thing too.”
Rainy reached up and squeezed her friend’s hand. “Thanks. You did a great job,” she added, noting the soft, light make-up so expertly applied.
“Rainy you are a beautiful and talented young woman. Just because you have a child doesn’t mean that a man wouldn’t be lucky to have you.”
“I don’t need a man to make me happy,” Rainy said. “I have Lucas and you and my parents. What more could a girl need?”
“Romance,” Anne growled. “It exists you know. Somewhere.”
Rainy bit her lip at her friend’s words. Anne had dated several men through college but none of them seemed to be her Mr. Right.
“There, all done.” Anne declared stepping back.
“Where’s Lucas?” Rainy asked wondering why her father hadn’t brought him back yet. “Surely they aren’t still riding the ponies.”
“I think your dad said he was taking him for that playdate with Kadence.”
“Oh my goodness, I completely forgot.” Rainy placed her hands on her cheeks. “I hope Michelle won’t be upset.”
“You kind of had a big shock today, I think that is a good enough excuse. Besides, your dad loves doing things with Lucas. I know he’s a stodgy CPA and all but, he loves that kid. You ready for lunch?”
Rainy nodded, she was famished. She hadn’t had more than a sip of coffee and a bite of French toast all day. “I’m starving.”
“Good, now come on,” Anne said slipping her arm through Rainy’s. “Let’s go turn some heads.”
Rainy laughed as Anne pulled the door open, freezing when she looked up into the rich brown gaze of Nathan Draper.
“Oh, my,” Anne whispered taking in the lean cowboy holding a fist full of wildflowers. “What do you want?” Anne found her voice as her temper flared. “Leave us alone.”
Rainy, touched Anne’s arm. “It’s alright,” she said. “I think Nathan and I have a few things to discuss.”
Anne looked between Rainy and the man who had abandoned her friend. “Are you sure?”
“I’m sure,” Rainy sighed, her eyes never leaving Nathan. There was something different in his gaze, a softness, a stillness she had never seen before.
“Don’t do anything stupid,” Anne hissed slipping past the man who had caused Rainy so much pain. “I’ll be at lunch if you need me.”
“Would you like to come in?” Rainy asked as Anne disappeared down the hall.
“Thank you,” Nathan shuffled into the room shocked at the disorder. “Uh, these are for you.” He felt his ears go red as he handed Rainy the flowers.
“Thanks,” Rainy took the compressed bouquets looking around her for something to put them in. A mug next to the small sink that looked like a washbasin caught her eye and she hurried to place the flowers in it. “Have a seat.”
Nathan stood awkwardly in the doorway, not knowing what to say. Clothing was scattered everywhere, and toys sat untouched in one corner. For several long awkward seconds, silence echoed in the room, but he finally found his voice.
“I wanted to apologize,” Nathan said as Rainy turned, the pretty pink and white floral dress she wore swirling around shapely legs. How could she be so beautiful? She looked the same, and yet so different, as if life had pushed her into a maturity she wasn’t quite ready for. “You look great.” The words tumbled from his lips before he could stop them, and he mentally kicked himself for saying them. He hadn’t come here to flirt or gawk. He had come to let Rainy know that he had changed and that he wanted a chance to get to know his son.
A bright smile flashed across Rainy’s face, bringing lightness to her features that wiped away the doubt reflected in her eyes. Apparently, the compliment had been well met.
“Lucas is with his grandfather,” Rainy said, getting right to the point. “I’m assuming that is why you came.”
Nathan’s shoulders sagged but he shook his head. “Yes. No. I wanted to talk.” He finally admitted pacing to the window.
“I thought you said everything you ever needed to the day I told you I was pregnant.”
Nathan felt the barb sink deep between his shoulder blades and his throat tightened.
“Rainy,” he spoke carefully turning to look at her and boldly meeting her eyes. “I am so sorry. I was selfish, stupid, and arrogant. I was wrong.”
Rainy felt her jaw slacken at Nathan’s words. She had never known him to admit being wrong before. Had the past few years changed him so much?
“I know this is going to sound crazy,” Nate continued. “But I’m a different man now. I’ve been agonizing about how to get in touch with you all summer. I wasn’t even sure…” his words dried up as he looked at the pile of toys his eyes squeezing shut on the pain in his heart.
“Nathan, you don’t have to say anything. You made it clear that night that I wasn’t your responsibility. That whatever I did it was my choice. I don’t expect that to change. I have managed very well without you. I even finished my degree this spring. Mom and Dad decided that to celebrate we would all come here for our vacation. As you can see I’m fine.”
Nathan turned, his hands itching to reach for her. To pull her close and pour out his regret, but something told him that now wasn’t the right time for that. “I don’t know what else I can do but tell you I’m sorry,” again he hung his head. “I was every kind of a fool. If I had stayed…”
“But you didn’t,” Rainy snapped. “You left and my life is mine, not yours anymore. I’ve learned to stand on my own two feet. I’ve looked love in the eye and accepted that nothing can ever replace what I feel for my son. You don’t have to feel responsible. I’m fine.”
Nathan stood up, his spine straightening with each word. “No, I can see that. You’re stronger than you were back then, and I’m sorry that I hurt you. I just want you to know t
hat I have changed and that if there is anything I can do. If there is any way you can see fit to let me get to know my son.”
Rainy’s eyes flashed. “Your son? Your son? He’s never known a father. To him, you’re nothing but a cowboy, a stranger to him. How can you call him your son when you didn’t even know he existed until this morning?” Tears burned behind her eyes as she stared at Nathan.
“You’re right,” Nate whispered. “I know that. Everything you say is true, but I want a chance. I want to prove to you that I am not that selfish eighteen-year-old who thought he had his world all figured out. I found Jesus, and I am changed.”
Rainy huffed a harsh laugh. “And I’m supposed to believe you? What am I supposed to do take you to meet Lucas and say here you go, honey, here’s the daddy you always wanted but never had. He’s a little boy, and you are not going to hurt him the way you hurt me.” Fresh tears poured down Rainy’s cheeks ruining the perfectly applied make-up. “I won’t let you swan into his life and then disappear leaving behind the shattered pieces for me to pick up.”
