This tour leg would take them through to the end of the summer. Then they were off to Australia and New Zealand in the fall, and then on to various parts of Asia. They would finish up just before Christmas, and Benji hoped he would be able to keep it together so that he could enjoy it all. Jagged Ivory had never been to Asia before and he didn't want to miss it. He didn't want to go back into the drug-induced haze of drastic highs and extreme lows. Or the smack-fueled, paranoid delusions that had him either barricading himself in a hotel closet with his drugs and a gun, or running stark naked down his street in the middle of the night thinking something was after him. Amusing as they may sound, both incidents had landed him on every tabloid and entertainment news show in the free world, and caused the band a lot of bad publicity. He didn't want to do that anymore. He didn't want to lose another second of his life to the heroin. He had to take it back now, take control of it and move forward. He prayed to God that he was strong enough.
When they broke for lunch on their last day of rehearsals, Benji once again noted the absence of alcohol in their midst. It had bothered him all week long, and now he had to say something, he couldn't stop himself. He had to ask. Turning to his right where Buzzy was seated beside him, munching on his pizza, Benji asked, “So where's the Jack, man?”
Buz turned to him with raised eyebrows. He swallowed his mouthful of pepperoni and cheese, and wiped his face with a paper napkin. “Where's the what?”
“Where's the Jack?” he repeated pointedly. “The Jack Daniels, the Jim Beam? The Johnny Walker, the …”
“I know what you mean,” Buz said, cutting him off. “I'm just shocked that you're asking.”
The look in Buzzy's eyes told him instantly that he had been right, and that these dry rehearsals were a deliberate effort on their part. The thought made him uncomfortable for some reason, and more than a little edgy. He didn't want their pity or their sympathy.
“Who's idea was this?” he asked, sounding slightly indignant. “You know, I don't expect the four of you to change your lifestyles just because of me. I don't want that.”
“We know that you don't want that, Benji, and that's not what's going on here,” Buzzy said, trying to calm his friend down. “We didn't do this for you. Well … not totally for you.”
Benji frowned at his choice of words. “What do you mean not totally for me?”
Buz sighed heavily, glancing around as if he were looking for help from the others. Only no one else was within earshot of their little conversation, so he knew he was on his own. He looked back at Benji and hesitated a beat.
“Look, Benji … we all know what you've been through, man. Not just in the last few months, but … from the very beginning. And we made you a promise right at the start that you weren't alone anymore. That you did have a family. Now we're just trying to live up to it. And while you were away, the four of us sat down and talked about a few things. And yeah … I'm not going to lie to you, man. We want to do our part to help you stay clean. But this isn't just about you, okay? It's about Noah too. He requested no booze at rehearsals. You know, he's … he's been working really hard to clean himself up. And I know that he started the process before Mercy came back into his life, but I think she's had a lot to do with it, you know? I think falling in love with her has been the best thing for him. But Cory and Otis and me … we want to do whatever we can to help the two of you stay straight. So we don't mind the dry rehearsals. We don't mind the new 'no pharmaceutical' policy. For the three of us, it was all just recreational anyway. We don't care about that shit. What we do care about is you and Noah. So don't think this is something we did to single you out, brother. 'Cause we did this for all of us, okay?”
Benji nodded slowly as he let Buzzy's words sink in. It wasn't just about him. Noah had asked for the new no booze policy because he was trying to stay clean himself. He took a deep breath and sighed. And something about the knowledge that he wasn't in this addiction boat totally by himself gave him a weird feeling of acceptance. But he had always felt acceptance from this band of brothers. From the very beginning they had welcomed him and accepted him as he was. Meeting the four of them was the first time in his entire life that Benji had ever felt a sense of belonging, or that there were people out there who cared about him. They truly were his only family.
“I'm sorry for getting upset,” he mumbled.
“No. Don't worry about it, man,” Buz answered. “I get it. I'm sure this has to be pretty strange for you. And we should have filled you in on our conversation. That was our oversight. The last thing we want is to make you feel uncomfortable.”
Benji nodded. “So … Noah's really into Mike's daughter, huh?” he smiled, changing the subject. “Living together? That was fast!”
Buzzy laughed. “Yep. It was,” he smiled. “I'm not surprised though. They're crazy about each other.”
“And Mike?” Benji asked.
Buz laughed again. “Mike is … dealing with it. He only tried to kill Noah that one time!”
Benji laughed at his response. “Oh, man. I am really sorry that I missed that!”
“Man, it was so funny the next morning when we all met for breakfast,” Buz laughed. “Noah's got this big busted lip, and Mike's sitting there with a really impressive bruise on his jaw. Otis was so hung over from all the tequila. And Cory and I just could not stop laughing. I felt bad for Mercy though; she looked so disgusted by the whole thing. But man, was it hilarious!”
They sat laughing for a few minutes and suddenly a voice said, “What's so funny over here?” They both looked up to see Noah taking a seat across from them and stuffing a small wedge of pizza into his mouth. Benji and Buz glanced at each other conspiratorially, and then burst out laughing once more.
“What?” Noah asked insistently, with a mouth full of pizza and an amused smirk on his lips.
“We were just talking about Mike trying to kick your ass when he found out about you and Mercy,” Buz finally answered. And Noah rolled his eyes as he swallowed his mouthful.
“I was telling Buzzy that I really wish I had been there to see that,” Benji said quietly as he smiled. “I heard he had you on the ropes, man, and that you were crying like a little bitch.”
Noah's eyes flew open at that statement, and he looked from one man to the other in surprise. “Oh, really? Fuck you, Buzzy,” he smiled.
“I didn't say that!” Buz's voice went up a couple of octaves, and he was clearly just as shocked at Benji's comment as Noah was.
Benji nearly doubled over in laughter, proud that he had been able to hoodwink the both of them. Buz tossed a few balled up napkins at his head as he stood up. “I'm getting some more pizza,” he smiled as he walked away from them.
“I have missed your sense of humor, man,” Noah chuckled as he took another bite. “I'm so glad you're back.”
Benji smiled at him. “Listen, Noah … while we've got a minute alone, I wanted to … I don't know … thank you, I guess,” he shrugged.
“For what?”
“For this,” he said, raising his bottle of juice.
Noah glanced at the bottle, and then looked back at Benji. He shook his head slightly. “I didn't do that for you, man. That was primarily for me,” he said quietly.
“I know, Buzzy told me. But you had to know that this would help me out too,” he said. “I'll be honest with you, Noah … before I came to that first rehearsal, I was scared to death, man. Wondering how the fuck I was going to concentrate with a bunch of bottles staring me in my face, and knowing that Buz or Cory probably had something on 'em. A joint or some blow … something. But Buz says you guys got together and decided to curb it all.”
Noah nodded his head slowly. “We got together and talked,” he said quietly. “About your issues and mine. I mean … I don't really think it's a secret from anybody here that I was basically a functioning alcoholic for a few years. From the time we got our record deal,” he shrugged. Then he paused a moment as he thought about it. “That's when I remember losing
control. I don't want to go down that road any further. And you, having the courage to finally acknowledge your problem and get help. I admire that.”
“Well, you shouldn't,” Benji said flatly. “I was forced to acknowledge my problem by damn near killing myself.”
“Doesn't matter, man. You still had the courage to own it, and accept help. You're like my hero right now, Benji. You inspired me to do this,” he said, motioning to his bottle of water. “Not for you. For me. I even …” He paused again and took an anxious breath. “I started going to some meetings. And when the guys saw how serious I was, and how determined I was … they stepped up. I didn't ask them to cut out all the recreational stuff; they did that on their own. And honestly … I have not asked them anything about it. I don't know if they're still indulging from time to time and just keeping it from me. I have no clue,” he shrugged. “And I don't care. As long as it's not in my face, you know? But you are not in this alone, Benji. I mean … I know our issues aren't quite the same, but they're not all that different either. And you can talk to me. Anytime. You know that, right?”
Benji nodded his head. “Yes. I do know that. And I appreciate it.”
“Good,” Noah smiled. He studied his friend for a second as a question formed in his mind. “So, how are you doing, man? I mean really. You've been home for almost two weeks now, and we get underway in a couple of days so … any reservations?”
“No, man,” Benji answered truthfully. “So far, I don't have any reservations at all. Not as far as the music goes anyway. I mean, I was worried at first that I wouldn't be able to play clean. Like I wouldn't know how or something but … thankfully, that's proven to be bullshit,” he smiled. “I'm really looking forward to getting back onstage. Back in front of an audience and the energy of a live crowd. I'm psyched for that.”
“Great. That's what I was hoping you would say,” Noah responded with a smile.
“Don't get me wrong, Noah,” Benji spoke up. “I'd be lying to you and myself if I sat here and said that I didn't have some doubts or worries about being on tour. Because I do. You gotta remember, man … I have never toured clean. I don't even know if it's possible.”
“Of course it's possible,” Noah stated with authority. “I mean, think about it. We know bands that tour clean all the time. If they can figure it out, so can we. We just have to remember that we're not fighting this battle alone, man. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here.”
“Thanks, man.”
Noah shrugged. “I'm hoping you'll do the same for me.”
Benji smiled at him and nodded. “Yeah. Anytime.”
They talked a while longer as they ate, and when the band got back to work Benji felt a little bit lighter than he had at the start of lunch. Talking to Noah and Buz had helped tremendously, and he felt like a small weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Knowing that the guys' change in behavior wasn't solely about him somehow made a huge difference. The fact that they were willing to curb their indulgence for his and Noah's sake meant a lot. And knowing that he and Noah could band together if either of them were feeling weak helped as well. He felt like he had a support system that he could count on. But as he thought about it, he realized that there had never been a time when he couldn't count on them, for whatever he needed. They had all been so good to him over the years. Meeting them had changed his lot in life forever, and he would do anything not to let them down again.
He was still thinking about it when the band was finally packing it in for the day. About the guys and having their support. And for some reason, that thought made him think about Beth. He had thought about her often since his return. He wondered how she was doing and if she was putting her all into the program at Maynard. He hoped that she was taking it more seriously than she had been before he left. And he hoped that she had a good support system in place when it was her time to leave there. Such a sweet, beautiful young girl with so many problems. Benji really wished he could help her somehow, but he knew that she had to take her own journey, just like he did.
Fae finished cleaning Benji's custom Music Man StingRay 5-string and lovingly placed it back into its case. It was such a beautiful instrument, and she treated it with the respect it deserved. On the tour, they would travel with at least three backups of both the StingRay 5 and the StingRay 4. They would also have at least two of the Music Man Bongo basses that Benji liked to use for the song “Ms. Enigma.” It sounded excessive to have so many basses on board, but after nearly twelve years in this business, Fae had learned that it was always infinitely better to have the backups there and not need them than it was to be caught scrambling to replace a broken string or retune a bass while the band and the crowd waited impatiently. It was much, much easier and more time efficient to simply swap one misbehaving bass out for one that was perfectly tuned and ready to go. And her efficiency, quick thinking and ability to troubleshoot had served her well in this business. It was part of the reason she had done so well in her climb to this level of the game.
She had watched Benji closely all week long, trying to get a better feel for him as her new boss. She was certain that Joe had told her all she needed to know as far as Benji's technical preferences. He had even thrown in a few personal quirks, like the fact that Benji wasn't even remotely a morning person, and usually wouldn't speak for several hours. He warned her that this often made communication difficult if the band had any type of event scheduled in the mornings, such as interviews or rehearsals, or when they performed live on one of those morning TV shows right before the tour first started. Of course, he did admit that Benji's chemical dependence very probably had a lot to do with it, so Fae took it with a grain of salt. From what she had seen so far, Benji was perfectly pleasant in the morning. All week long he had shown up on time, with a smile, joking and laughing with his bandmates, ready to work. And he had worked hard each day, giving one hundred percent as they readied themselves to get back on the road.
Part of her job as a backline tech was to watch her assigned musician like a hawk while the band was onstage to make sure he or she didn't need anything. But Fae knew that watching Benji was going to be the easiest task in the world. She could barely take her eyes off of him as it was. And she knew that it was more than just the fact that she was infatuated with him on a professional level, which she was. Benji Staffon was the sole reason she had decided to pick up a bass in the first place. But it was more than that. She would never admit it to anyone but herself … but she had the biggest crush on him. And she hated herself for it! It was highly unprofessional of her and so out of character.
She had never allowed herself to get all goofy over someone she worked with before. In her line of work, surrounded by men – some hotter than others – it just wasn't a smart practice to engage in, and she worked hard to discourage them from thinking of her as anything other than one of the guys. Like her clothes, for instance. She enjoyed wearing skirts and high heels as much as the next girl, but when she was on the road with a band it was jeans, flats and ponytails all the way. Most of the time she didn't even wear makeup on the road. But the minute she joined the Thank Heaven tour and began watching Benji on a regular basis, she was smitten. Even with all of her long-standing rules about not getting involved with the artists she worked for, or with guys who were actively using. Suddenly mascara, eyeliner and lipstick had become necessities!
She rolled her eyes at herself as she packed away the effects pedals. And when she turned to head toward the amplifier, she ran right into Benji. They collided with force, bumping foreheads in the process.
“Ow!” Benji rubbed his forehead with his fingers.
“Oh, gosh! I'm sorry! I wasn't paying attention,” Fae offered quickly, rubbing her own head.
Benji laughed as he shook his head. “Well, I wasn't watching either, so it's not entirely your fault. I hope my hard noggin didn't hurt you too much.”
“No. Not at all,” she said, feeling so totally embarrassed. She couldn't seem to stop making a fool of herse
lf around him. “I'm really sorry.”
“Don't worry about it,” he chuckled. “I think I'll survive. How 'bout you?”
She nodded silently, afraid of saying or doing anything more to make herself look ridiculous in his eyes.
Benji cocked an eyebrow at her wordless reply, and nodded slightly, wondering if she was always this jumpy and keyed up. “Okay. My bass?”
“Here you go, Mr. Sta …” Her voice trailed off as she lunged for the bass case. Picking it up, she turned to him timidly. “Here you are, Mr. Bass Guitar God,” she smiled.
Benji laughed out loud. “Oh, please tell me you know that I was just joking about that,” he smiled. “I don't expect you to call me that for real.”
“Yes, I know,” she managed. “I just really needed to neutralize the silly awkwardness.”
Benji frowned slightly, giving her a small smile. “Yeah, can I ask you about that?” he said cautiously. “Do I make you nervous for some reason, Fae?”
At his question, she could feel herself blushing profusely. Shit. Shit. Shit! “Um … I … I …”
“I'm sorry,” Benji said quietly, trying not to smile. “I didn't mean to put you on the spot.”
Find your words, Fae! “Um, I'm so sorry, Mr. Sta … Benji,” she corrected herself. She was so freaking embarrassed. Her face was hot, and she knew that she must be red as a firecracker right now. “God, you must think I'm such an idiot,” she mumbled.
He smiled at her comment. “No, I don't think you're an idiot, Fae. You wouldn't be here on this tour if you didn't know what you were doing. And Joe couldn't say enough about you. If he has that much faith in you, then I'm sure you're probably not an idiot.”
“Yeah. I'm an idiot,” she quietly confirmed. Nervously tucking her dark curls behind her ears with both hands, she glanced cowardly into his eyes as she continued, “This is not my first big tour. I have worked with several well-known artists in the past, but … well, the truth is I have just never been this star-struck before. I apologize, Mr. … Benji.” She rolled her eyes at herself once again. “When I got hired for this gig, I knew that Joe had been your tech for years and that I would probably never work this closely with you. But here I am!”
The Essential Jagged Ivory (Jagged Ivory Boxed Set) Page 41
