“Well, to be honest with you, man … I think Noah probably would be okay,” Buzzy answered. “I mean, he had already started his journey back before Benji went away, you know? So, even though they're sort of on the same path, I think he's a little stronger than Benji is right now. Plus, he's got Mercy. So even if he didn't feel comfortable going out with us, he would just hang with his girl and be perfectly fine.”
“Yeah. But Benji doesn't have that cushion right now,” Otis answered quietly. “So we need to put him first and just kick back at the hotel tonight.” Buzzy nodded his head in agreement, and they each began the routine of getting ready to head for the showers.
Benji sighed as he dried himself off and wrapped his towel around his waist. Then he quietly stepped out of the stall and around to the dressing area of the showers. He stood behind them as they went about their business, and when they both looked up and saw him, the looks of shocked regret on their faces touched him.
“Benji,” Buz said quietly.
“It's alright, man,” he said with a dismissive wave of his hand. “Don't worry about it. Look, if you guys want to go out, by all means … go out and have a good time.”
“Benji, we didn't mean for you to hear any of that, brother,” Otis said, looking him in the eye. “We had no idea you were in here.”
“It's cool, man,” Benji answered with a small smile and a quiet shrug of his shoulders as he turned to his bag and began pulling out a clean change of clothes.
“It's not cool, Benji. I feel like shit,” Buz offered. “We both do.”
Benji chuckled at them as he pulled on his briefs. “Well don't. I'm fine. And I appreciate the fact that you both care enough to worry. It means a lot … it really does. But, I'm okay. And I want you both to go out and have a good time.” He paused for beat and then added, “Do it for me.”
He turned around and continued dressing then, and he was relieved when they both let the matter drop and headed to the showers. When he heard the water turn on, he inhaled deeply and let out a slow, cleansing breath. But he could feel the muscles of his back and his shoulders, so tight and strained with worry. He wasn't sure how much more his poor nerves could take for one night. And he found himself wondering if it would always be like this. Because if the clean post-show experience didn't improve, Benji wasn't at all certain that the clean onstage experience would be worth it in the long run.
As he dressed he thought once more about his run-in with Crank, and he wondered if the man was still out there. Part of him dreaded opening that door and going back into the dressing room. And he knew how ridiculous that sounded in his head … but it was the truth. He just didn't want to see Crank again right now. How fucked up was that? And he knew instinctively that it was because he didn't want to feel like he was losing a friend. He didn't want to acknowledge the fact that their friendship might be over. But he also knew that it had to be for now. And that made him feel like crap.
It also scared the living shit out of him because, if his sobriety could change his friendship with Crank – one of his oldest friends in the whole L.A. rock scene – then maybe it could change his relationship with his brothers too. And maybe it had already started. He glanced off toward the showers at that thought, thinking about the conversation he had overheard Otis and Buz having. All they had really said during that conversation was that they cared about him, and that they were happy he was trying to get clean. But Benji couldn't help but wonder how it would all play out. He didn't want them to feel like they couldn't be close anymore. Like they couldn't be brothers anymore.
Sucking it up and pushing those troubling thoughts from his mind, Benji gathered his stuff and headed back out to the dressing room. Glancing around, he saw Cory still holding court in a corner of the room with his family. They all held polite smiles on their faces, but Benji could clearly see that it was an intense situation they were all going through right now. He hoped it turned out well for them.
Continuing to look around, he spotted Crank near the door. They made eye contact for a long moment, and Benji got the feeling they were saying goodbye when Crank gave him a small smile and a quick nod of his head. Benji nodded back, giving him a wave. Then he and his bandmate stepped out the door and were gone. And Benji felt equal measures of relief and regret as he watched him go.
“There you are, man,” Noah said as he slapped him on the shoulder. “Where you been?”
“Getting cleaned up,” he answered with a slightly agitated frown. And he wondered how long it would be before Noah stopped worrying whenever he was out of sight for a couple of minutes.
“Well, Mercy and I were wondering if you wanted to hang with us for a while,” he said, smiling at him. “We're going to the hotel to grab a bite.”
“You're not going out with Buz and Otis?” he asked, eyeing him closely.
Noah shrugged his shoulders and smirked at him. “Nah. We don't feel like doing the club thing tonight.”
Benji smiled slightly, shaking his head. “Nice try, man. But after the show we just had, you deserve to go out and celebrate it.”
“I am gonna celebrate it,” he smiled. With you and Mercy.”
Benji looked at him and sighed loudly. “Look, Noah … I'm going to tell exactly what I just told Buz and Otis. I appreciate your offer to babysit. I really do. You have no idea how much it means to me that you all care. But you can't stop doing the things you enjoy doing because of me.”
“Benji …”
“Noah … you of all people should know that if I'm gonna learn to tour clean, I have to start somewhere. It might as well be tonight.” He held his friend's worried gaze for a moment as he debated whether or not to share something with him. Then he glanced briefly at the floor before he looked into his eyes and said, “It was here. Right in front of me, not an hour ago. Being offered to me like it was a stick of chewing gum. And all I had to do was say yes.”
“Benji,” Noah repeated, a look of horror on his face.
Benji shook his head. “I wanted it so bad, Noah,” he confided, hearing his voice begin to quiver once more. “But I didn't take it. I said no.”
“Benji, I am so sorry, man! Who would fucking do that to you? Who would be that big of an asshole?” Noah demanded, instantly angry on his friend's behalf. “It was Crank and Dino, wasn't it?” He asked, quickly glancing around the dressing room to try and spot them.
“Noah, it doesn't matter, man,” Benji answered. “The important thing is that I turned it down. I didn't do it.” He paused, shaking his head once more. Then he said, “I know you're worried about me, and I love you for it. But you have got to trust me. And I know that what you saw in me before the show probably doesn't instill a whole lot of trust right now, but … you just have to trust me.”
“Benji, I do trust you,” Noah quietly insisted.
“Then go,” Benji said simply. “Take your girl, and go out with Otis and Buz and have a good time. Please.”
“What are you going to do?”
“Don't worry about me, man. I'll be fine. I mean it.”
Noah sighed as he stared into his friend's eyes. He felt torn. But he knew that Benji was right. He had to learn how to do this for himself, just like he had done.
“Alright, man,” he said, quietly giving in. “I'll see you back at the hotel later.”
Benji smiled at him. “I'll probably just be sleeping. I'll see you in the morning.”
He watched then as most everyone left the dressing room and made their way out of the bowels of the arena. As the room emptied out, Benji glanced Cory's way and gave him a nod, and Cory waved to him as he continued to visit with his father. Benji took a deep breath then and headed out of the room, not exactly sure what to do with himself. With his bodyguard following behind him, he wandered through the corridors back out to the wings of the stage and looked around as the roadies continued their tear down. And as he stood watching the action he suddenly looked up and spotted Fae crossing the stage.
She pulled the tie from h
er hair, releasing her ponytail as a cascade of raven curls fell around her shoulders. Then she gathered up her things as she barked instructions at the roadies who were loading up the amps. And before Benji knew what he was doing, he was walking toward her, almost as if his feet had a mind of their own.
“Hey, Fae,” he said quietly as he approached her. And he was aware that his heart was thumping and his hands were a little clammy, but he had no idea why.
“Benji!” Fae could hear the surprise in her voice, but she couldn't help it. She really hadn't expected to see him again tonight. “What are you still doing here? I thought you were long gone by now.”
“I could say the same about you,” he answered, smiling at her.
Fae could feel herself blushing slightly. Should she admit that she had purposely hung back after getting the gear all packed away, just on the off chance that he might come back and take her up on her offer to hang out? She was about to stammer out an explanation when he came to her rescue.
“So I was wondering if your offer to hang out was still good?” he asked. He wasn't sure why he made her blush all the time. He supposed it was just because she was still thinking in that fan frame of mind. And while he did find it sort of endearing, he also didn't like putting her on the spot or embarrassing her.
“Yes,” she exclaimed, and Benji smiled at her. Too eager, Fae. Too eager! She tried to dial it back a notch as she continued. “I would love to hang out with you,” she smiled. “What did you have in mind?”
Benji shrugged his shoulders. “You hungry?”
Chapter Five
They sat in the hotel restaurant taking shy, cautious glances at one another as Fae tried to concentrate on the menu. And she wondered if she would even be able to eat with Benji sitting directly across from her. She was so nervous!
“Um … aren't you going to read over the menu?” she asked somewhat awkwardly as they waited for someone to come take their order.
Benji looked at her with an inscrutable expression as he slowly shook he head 'no,' softly drumming his fingertips on the table. And when the waiter finally came, he lifted his hand to her, indicating that she should order first.
“Oh, um … I can't decide,” she mumbled. “You go first.”
She couldn't decide? She had spent nearly fifteen minutes reading the menu from cover to cover, but whatever. Benji fought the urge to laugh as he turned to the waiter and said quietly, “I'll just have a cheeseburger and fries.”
“Oh, that sounds really good. I'll have the same, please,” she said looking up at the waiter with an almost apologetic smile as she handed over her menu.
There was a long and uncomfortable silence as they waited for their food to arrive. The ride over from the stadium had been just as quiet and Benji was starting to wonder if maybe this had been a bad idea after all. Fae seemed to teeter back and forth between being completely tongue-tied around him, to being a nervous little chatter box, and Benji was never sure what he did or said that caused her mood to switch. But for some odd reason, instead of being put off by her, he found himself totally fascinated with trying to figure her out.
“So, uh …” he smiled at her as he tried to think of something to say. “Tell me about your name, Fae. Is that your given name or is it short for something?”
“Yes,” she answered quickly. And then she blushed slightly as she corrected herself. “Um … I mean no, it's not short for anything. It is my given name.”
Benji nodded his head at her, still trying to understand her unease with him.
“My mom, she always had a thing for faeries,” Fae smiled. “And I don't mean the benign, cutesy, Disney version. I'm talking about the faeries of old. The Irish/Scottish/Gaelic versions that are rooted in old pagan beliefs. As far back as I can remember, my life has sort of been surrounded by faeries.”
“Yeah? How so?” Benji asked, loving the fact that she appeared to be relaxing a little as she talked. He hoped that he could keep her talking about herself for a while. And he had absolutely no idea why he was so interested.
“Well, my mom was an artist,” Fae smiled. “And she used to draw and paint all over the walls of our house when I was little.”
“Really?” he smiled.
“Um hm,” Fae nodded. “From the time I was about knee high, I can remember just sitting on our dining room floor for hours and being endlessly fascinated with the masterpiece she had created on the walls of that room. It was like sitting in an enchanted forest, so peaceful and calm and happy. And faeries everywhere you looked. Some were right out in the open … big and beautiful. But others were smaller, hidden among the flowers and trees and the undergrowth, and it always seemed like I could spot something new each day, no matter how many times I stared at those walls, you know? I'd find little gnomes and woodland creatures and trolls. And the tiniest faeries! It was great.”
She smiled as she paused for a moment, lost in her memories. And Benji was captivated by the light in her pale blue eyes as she reminisced. “Why was she so fascinated with faeries?” he asked quietly.
“I don't know. She just loved them. She would say that the faeries were misunderstood beings, and that they should be respected … like nature. You see, the faeries of old, they were believed to be 'of nature.' In fact, some people call them nature spirits. And so, since they were of nature, they shared the same characteristics as nature – beautiful, powerful, unpredictable. Sometimes cruel. Or kind and gentle. And they both influenced, and were influenced by, the weather. By what was going on in nature all around them.”
Benji nodded slowly as he listened to her. And as she talked, he noticed for the first time that she had the tiniest diamond piercing in her nose. It was unexpected and sort of sexy. How had he not noticed that before? She was really pretty, in a quirky sort of way, and Benji smiled to himself as he took that information in.
“So … your name?” he asked, raising an eyebrow at her.
“Well, Fae … F-A-E,” she said, spelling it out. “It's another term for faerie.”
“Oh,” Benji nodded his head once more. “I did not know that,” he said, and she giggled nervously at him. The sound of her laughter made him smile. “So, you inherited your mom's love of faeries?” he asked, pointing to her tattooed arm.
“Mmm, there's a special significance to this sleeve,” she said as she held out her faerie-covered arm.
“Yeah?” She nodded her head silently for a moment, and Benji got the feeling she was getting a little emotional. “I'm sorry,” he said quietly. “You don't have to say anymore if you don't want to.”
Fae looked up and smiled at him with moist eyes. “No, it's okay,” she said softly. “It's just … it's been a long time since I've talked about it.”
“Well, I don't want to pry,” he told her.
Fae was silent for a moment longer, and then she said, “My mom OD'd on heroin shortly after I graduated from high school. She didn't make it.”
Benji felt a sharp pain to his gut at her words, as if she had rammed a knife right into it, and he couldn't help his involuntary wince. “I'm sorry,” he said, barely above a whisper.
“Yeah. Me too,” Fae answered softly. “Anyway … I couldn't stay in our house. I was still in school to get my degree in Sound Engineering. And I was working, but there was no way I would have been able to swing it. Thankfully, Wayne and Dave … from the music shop?”
“Yeah?”
“They had a second bedroom in their apartment, and they let me move in with them,” she explained. “But I was so broken up about leaving that house. I don't know if it was because of the two years I spent in foster care or what, but I just couldn't stand the thought of it. And I knew that whoever moved into the place would paint over the faeries,” she said as a few wayward tears fell from her eyes.
She wiped her cheeks with her fingers as she looked away for a moment. And Benji suddenly wanted to wrap his arms around her and comfort her.
“I couldn't lose them all,” she continued softly. “I
had lost my dad, and then her … I couldn't lose all of them too. They were like … my playmates when I was little, you know? I would sit in that dining room for hours and imagine being in their world and going off on these magical adventures with them,” she laughed tearfully. Wiping her eyes once more, she whispered, “It's silly.”
Benji shook his head as he watched her. “It's not silly,” he said softly.
Fae's dewy eyes met his for a moment as she composed herself. “When I knew that I had to leave, I took so many pictures of those dining room walls. And I know I must have about a hundred images of them stored on my computer. Someday, when I have a real house of my own – not just an apartment – I'm going to find an artist to recreate that forest in my home. I know it won't be as beautiful or as magical as hers, but hopefully it'll be close.” She paused for a few seconds as she looked down at her arm, still wiping tears. “I took a bunch of those pictures to a tattoo shop. These are all my favorites,” she finished tearfully.
Benji was floored. “Oh, wow,” he whispered, looking at her tattooed arm with a brand new appreciation. “Your mom drew all of these?”
“Yep,” she smiled proudly, slowly rotating her arm for him to see them all.
“They're beautiful, Fae. She was really good,” he said.
“Yeah, I know. And I made sure that the tattoo artist I chose was a good one too,” she said. “It came out really well.”
“It's amazing work. How long have you had this?” he asked.
Fae shrugged. “Mmm, she's been gone about … eight years now.”
“So, that makes you … what? About twenty-six?” he smiled as he counted in his head.
The Essential Jagged Ivory (Jagged Ivory Boxed Set) Page 45
