* * *
Shelley loved Ivy. Probably not as much as Denise did, but she loved her because she was such a funny fuzzy Collie dog and made her think of Lassie and she loved Lassie. Ivy came running up to her and then flopped down on her side so Shelley could rub her belly. Shelley went down on her knees and obediently rubbed the fuzzy belly and Ivy smiled at her. So cute.
“Hi, Shelley!”
“Hi, Denise. How are things?” Denise used to babysit Shelley a long time ago and they were still what Shelley called “kinda-friends.” Kinda-friends were those people who you’ve known a long time and are all really nice and occasionally you can even talk to them a little about something that you both like and you might even go out to a movie with them if they called you, which they never do because they are waiting for you to call which you never do, and when people ask you about them you always say nice things but you’re just not really close or really even friends because when you talk you don’t really talk to them the way you do with your real friends.
“Well, you know. Same old same old. Just me and Ivy. I don’t know what I’d do without her.” Shelley started to tear up a little because as much as she thought that Denise was always so sunny, she could see that there was a lot of sadness building up. Shelley resolved to be more than a kinda-friend to Denise and started by giving her a big hug. The hug seemed to startle Ivy, who chuffed at Shelley. Shelley knew that Ivy didn’t mean anything more than to express her displeasure at the sudden contact with her owner. The hug startled Denise even more. It was obvious to Shelley that no one hugged her for a good long time because Denise began to sob. Not just a little crying, but great, heaving sobs that shook Shelley with their force. Shelley began to cry, too. Whenever someone cried near her, she always joined them, But this was different. This was pain. Shelley had never quite felt this kind of pain before, even when Gil came home after his accident.
“It’s okay.”
“It’s not. It’s not. It’s not. I’ll never be happy. I’ll never have anything more than this. I’m alone except for Ivy. I’ll always be alone.”
Shelley didn’t know the words to say to make it better for Denise. Shelley didn’t know if the words existed. Anything she said would be a lie or worse, a consolation. Denise spent her whole life being consoled or lied to and Shelley didn’t want to continue that. At the same time, she didn’t know what to say to make it better and she dearly wanted to make it better for Denise. She pulled away from Denise and, wiping her own tears away, she looked at the woman and, for the first time in a long time, couldn’t bring herself to smile. She had always been able to find her smile, but for some reason, something was wrong and the smile wouldn’t come.
“I’m sorry, Denise. I really am. I wish I knew what to say to you, but I don’t. I wish I had the right words, but I don’t. I want to make it all better for you, but I can’t. I can be your friend. I want to be your friend. But that is all I can be. I’ll watch movies with you and go eat with you and cry with you. But that’s all I can do. I know that’s not what you’re looking for and it isn’t enough, but it’s something, right?”
Denise grabbed her back into a hug and Shelley knew that somehow she said the right thing for now. “It is something, Shelley. Right now I’ll take any something I can get.”
Shelley found her smile…just a little. She knew that Denise was grasping at straws and if she could be the straws, well, that would have to make do. She was making a difference and it wasn’t like she didn’t like Denise. She just never found a reason to be more than a kinda-friend. But Denise needed her and that was enough. She planned on bringing a chicken potpie over to Kurtz after work, but she thought that maybe Denise maybe just needed her a bit more right now. Kurtz could make do with whatever it was that he made do with when she wasn’t bringing him something. Sometimes, though, she wasn’t sure what that was unless Gil was sneaking him donuts or whatever other garbage he sold out at the store. Maybe Kurtz had a bunch of caring folk who brought him a little something every now and again or maybe he could actually fend for himself. Shelley would have to talk to Gil about it. Gil would know.
“Hey. Space cadet. Hello?” Denise was smiling at Shelley. “Where’d you go?”
Shelley was a little embarrassed. Sometimes she let her thoughts get away from her. “Sorry. I was just thinking about tonight. Listen, I made a fresh chicken potpie this morning. Would you like me to bring it by tonight? Maybe we can watch a movie or something.”
“Oh, you don’t have to do that. I’m okay.” Why did people always think that doing something nice was an imposition? Weird.
“I know I don’t have to. I want to. It would be fun.” Well, maybe not really fun. But it would be nice.
Denise’s smile faded. Shelley felt like she lost her. She could have just been honest and said she thought that Denise needed a friend and that she thought she could be that friend. Denise would have felt the truth of it and would have accepted that kind of generosity. But it was too soon after seeing the woman break down to be claiming any kind of fun would come from eating potpie. “It’s okay, Shelley. I’m not feeling all that great anyway and I’d be kind of a pill tonight. Maybe another time?”
“Of course. Anytime you want, just call me, okay?” Shelley meant that and Denise knew it and her smile came back…just a grin, but it was enough for now.
“I will. Of course I will.”
They stood there for a moment looking at each other. Shelley was never quite sure what to do in moments like these. She had always been good at ending conversations or leaving when there was nothing more to do or say. But for some reason, there were times when there was uncomfortable pause, as if there was something more but no one could quite figure out what it was. Shelley had seen other people go through it all the time in the store. People came separately to buy things and then ran into each other. They would have these conversations that seemed so wonderful and made Shelley smile to overhear them. Just a bit of gossip or catching up or whatever. They would go on and on and then, suddenly, they would run out of whatever it was they had to say and there would be nothing but the inability to talk combined with the inability to part company. Mainly because they both were in the midst of shopping and still had to occupy the same space but did not care to do it together. They had different things to buy and different days to make their way in and their happenstance meeting was a lovely diversion but did not really figure into their overall plans. It had to be ended and, yet, the first person to say goodbye felt some kind of guilt at instigating the separation, as if they were somehow rude for implying that the day needed getting on with and the plans that were made prior to the encounter needed to be carried out. Sometimes Shelley would butt in and help out, asking if one or the other needed any help finding anything.
Oh.
“Hey, Denise. Do you need any help finding something in the store? You said you’re not feeling well, is there something I can get for you?”
Denise looked relieved. Ivy chuffed her approval at the end of the tension. “Yeah. I need to fill my prescription and get some treats for Ivy.” Ivy chuffed her approval again.
“Go on into the store. You know where the dog treats are. I’ll be there in a second.” Shelley held the door for Denise and Ivy. She didn’t mind dogs in the store even if Mr. Osno did. If he wanted Ivy to leave, he could come on out and tell her to. All that would happen was a copper tube would drop into the hopper. She would dutifully read the note that would no doubt be full of profanities about Shelley and Denise and Ivy. But, at the end of the day, it really didn’t matter. She knew that she would keep on being counter girl until she decided to move on and then Osno would invariably find another local girl to be counter girl and send her little love notes as well. If Shelley didn’t like her job as much as she did, if she didn’t like being in the middle of things and be able to talk to people, make people smile a little even when they were picking up their medicine which cost too much anyway or when they were finding something to m
ake them feel better, she would leave. She liked to think if they left the store with a smile, if she gave them some good feelings along the way then they would feel better just by having come and seen her that day. So she didn’t mind the nasty notes. She was making Denise feel better today and so she felt better.
Before Denise pulled in, Shelley had been on her way out to the mailbox. For some reason, Mr. Osno did not approve of the mailman entering his establishment. He actually did not approve of any government official coming in the store. He saved his most vicious notes for any representative of the government. He felt it a personal affront that they would step foot in his place, as if Osno’s Pharmacy was a country and he was its lord and king. She commented to the mayor about this one time when she was away from the store. She wouldn’t dream of speaking to the mayor in her boss’s presence except to help him as her job requires. She had a little crush on the mayor and felt weird when he spoke to her. For some reason, because he held the title, she thought that she shouldn’t just be allowed to go up and talk to him. She couldn’t just go up and talk to the governor or the president or something. The mayor was important like them for Stansbury and she always felt a little important when he spoke to her and called her by name. He knew her and that was really cool. Maybe he might even like her a little. He wasn’t married and he wasn’t that much older than her… or at least she didn’t think he was…he could be a lot older but she was an adult now so it really didn’t matter if he was older or not because it wasn’t like he was gross or something. She daydreamed sometimes about being married to him and being important like the First Lady even if it was just the First Lady of Stansbury which really didn’t mean all that much to anyone outside of Stansbury. He hadn’t asked her out yet, but he always smiled at her and treated her really nicely. Then again, she always smiled at everyone and treated them really nicely and that didn’t mean that she wanted to marry everyone who came through the door. Did people she smiled at and treated nicely daydream about marrying her? Maybe the mayor was just like her and just wanted people to be happy. If the mayor was just like her, maybe they would make a good couple, making people happy…together. Maybe she would make him a pie sometime. She was sure he liked pie. Who doesn’t?
The mayor was very curious as to why the pharmacist was so uptight about his presence.
“It’s not just you, Mr. Mayor. He hates everybody.”
“Why would you open a store to help people if you hate them so much?” He seemed so earnest with the question. Like it really mattered to him and he really wanted to get to the bottom of things.
“I wouldn’t. But I’m not Mr. Osno. There is no knowing him at all. He’s just copper tubes in a hopper.”
The Mayor shook his head knowingly and even a little sadly. “I guess you could say there’s no knowing anyone at all.”
Shelley wasn’t sure at all if that was true. She thought there were people you could know really well because they wanted to be known. She could talk to Gil forever because they both allowed each other to know each other. They didn’t have to make small talk because small talk is what happens between people who have something to hide. Shelley was pretty sure that people liked talking to her because she didn’t go out of her way to make small talk. She was always open about who she was and didn’t care if people knew the real her because she was totally alright with herself. She wasn’t perfect, but nobody was, not even the Mayor, even though he had elements of perfection that could not be ignored. She was fairly certain it would be impossible to ever know Mr. Osno because he didn’t even make small talk.
Shelley stood by the mailbox for a moment and imagined the Mayor might come by and say hello to her there if she stood long enough. But she wasn’t really destined to be his wife. She knew that. Still, it was fun to think about from time to time. As she got the mail, she laughed at herself for being silly.
A stern Vermonter voice startled the thought from her. “I never could find any humor in mail.”
Lakebridge: Spring (Supernatural Horror Literary Fiction) Page 30
