by Maine, Miley
First, my throat burned. Then my eyes stung. And then the tears started rolling down my cheeks.
Logan looked frantic, but he just shook his head sadly and mouthed, “I’m so sorry.”
I didn’t mind being alone, but I didn’t want him to go running off into a threat. What if I never saw him again?
What if he was killed, and I never found out what happened to him?
This could be our goodbye. But I didn’t want to let him go.
“You can’t leave me here. I don't want you to go.” At first I had nodded when he told me he had to leave. But the more I thought about it, I just couldn't accept it.
I’m not a big crier, but the sobs came faster.
We’d been making candy, for God’s sake. We were happy. I’d just gotten Logan to grin. There was no way I could let him go after seeing that.
My head was still spinning from what had happened. I’d been showing him the steps in making the peanut butter cups. Before I knew it, he’d slung me over his shoulder and tossed me behind the couch.
I knew he was often on edge. I knew he kept his gun close for a reason. I knew he must have a dark past. It was clear the day that he had a flashback that there were plenty of things that haunted him.
But today I just assumed he wanted to check the perimeter of the cabin, that he’d come back, He’d apologize for shoving me behind the sofa, and then we would get back in the kitchen, teasing each other while we made piles of candy.
I was even planning to take some of the candy to Ruth, the owner of the Blue Moose Pub. She was the only person Logan seemed to know here, or actually like, although he’d said very little about her. I was going to show Logan how to freeze some of it too so he'd have it for months, if you wanted to.
But none of that happened. Instead he'd pushed me in his truck and we'd driven to a hotel and now we were in the shower, because apparently he expected that someone might be trying to record our conversation.
After that bombshell, he was planning to leave me there.
Possibly to go get himself killed.
“I need you. One more time.”
“Bethany. You’ll be too sore. There’s no way.” He put his hands in my hair. “I don’t have a condom.”
“You don’t need one. I’m on the pill. I’ve never been with anyone else, and I trust you.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. Please.” I needed this as a goodbye. I wanted him to make love to me. And if something bad did happen to him, I wanted him to have this last, loving memory of me. I wanted him to remember my passion for him, not me bawling my eyes out in a shower with dripping wet hair.
He put his mouth on mine kissing me in a way he never had before. There was definitely more depth of feeling. And soon, I was lost in the sensation. His hands roamed all over my body.
He slipped his fingers in between my legs. “You're still wet from before. But I'm going to be really gentle.” He stared into my eyes. “I want you to tell me if it hurts.”
I knew he probably didn't have much time. He lifted me in the air. He was so strong that he was able to hold me with my legs wrapped around his waist. He held me with one arm and positioned his cock at my entrance.
“I need you.” Very, very slowly he inched his way in.
“Oh my God. You feel.” He pressed his lips against mine. “I have never done this before without a condom.”
I was glad I could give him one more thing that belonged to me only.
I was sore, but the ache was welcome, yet It was bittersweet. This was the man who had made love to me for the first time in my life. And now he might be doing it for the last.
He braced himself against the shower wall and very gently began to rock into my body.
I clung to him. I peppered kisses all over his face and neck.
“Oh Bethany, you don't know what you do to me,” He said and then he was coming, releasing into my body. I could feel the hot spurts and I clenched down on him as his cock throbbed.
He held me there for quite a while, just wrapped in his arms. Then he carefully slid from my body.
I winced but it wasn't really painful.
“Are you okay? Did I hurt you?”
“I am fine. I'll remember that forever.”
“I'm going to take care of you. And then I have to go.” He sat me on my feet under the shower spray. He dropped to his knees. He parted my folds and put his mouth on my clit.
I held onto the bar in the shower with my good hand while he tongued my pussy and clit. It didn’t take long for his skilled tongue to have me shuddering through a powerful orgasm.
Shattered, I dropped my head, and wound my fingers through his dark hair.
He stayed there for just a second, and then he was up. He kissed me one more time. “I have to go.”
He pulled a fluffy towel from the cabinet and wrapped me up in it before drying himself off. Quickly, he got dressed again. I stood there, dripping water on the rug just watching him, memorizing everything about him.
Once he was dressed, he pressed a long kiss to my forehead, and then he was gone.
24
Logan
I hated leaving her. It might be the last time I ever saw her, if these terrorists caught me. I just had to lead them away from her.
I managed to control myself and walk at a normal pace through the lobby, but once I was back out in the snow I ran to my truck. I drove back up the mountain to my cabin. As soon as I jumped out and started running up the path, Cameron jumped out in front of me.
Before I realized it was him, I had my gun pulled out and aimed at his head.
I lowered the gun. “What the hell are you doing?”
“Let's get inside.”
We moved to the interior of the house away from the windows.
“Johannes is on the move. He's coming to Utah.”
No shit. This information was a little bit late. “I think he's already here.”
“Here?”
“Yeah. I heard something outside earlier.” He didn't need to know about Bethany.
“Heard something like what?”
“A crack I think it was a gunshot.I think he was toying with me.”
Cameron pulled on his hair. “Why the fuck didn’t you call me?”
“Because this is my problem. You shouldn't have to deal with it.”
“It's my problem too.” Cameron gripped my arm. “We’re still family. At least that’s how I feel. We’re missing one person, but the two of us…” He looked away. “You’re still my brother.”
“I want her back.”
He bowed his head and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Me too. Holy fuck, I really want her back.”
I put my hand on his shoulders. “See? I already got someone I love killed. Two people. I know what that did to you.”
“It wasn’t your fault. You don’t owe me your life to make up for it.”
I did. I one-hundred percent owed him my life. But he sure as fuck didn’t owe me his. “Do you not fucking understand? I don't want to lose you too. I can't live with that.”
He put his hands on my wrists and squeezed. “What do I have to do to get it through your thick skull? What happened to Isobel is not your fault.”
“She might be alive today if it wasn't for my mission and my mistake.”
“You were doing your job, Logan. You are not screwing around. You weren't negligent. You weren't even stupid. A mission just went wrong. It went upside down. There is nothing anyone could have done differently.”
“That's what you have to tell yourself.”
“That's what I do tell myself. Because it's the truth. I lost my wife. But I know she was your best friend. I don't have to live with that guilt and neither do you. It's time to let go.” He wiped his eyes. “I was your partner. I was in charge of that mission too. If you’re responsible, then so am I.”
He raised his voice. “Do you think it’s my fault? Do you think I killed Isobel? Is that why you quit?”
I shoved him. “Fuck no. Don’t even say that.”
“Then deal with it. Stop self-flagellating. And get your head out of your ass.” He huffed. “Can you do that? For me?”
My throat stung. I nodded my head but I didn’t speak. Now was not the time to fall apart.
He kept talking. “If we survive this, then you come with me to her grave. You talk to her, okay. You know she'd kick your ass if she saw you over here on this mountain alone. Wallowing in despair and guilt.”
I shook my head. “No. She'd understand. She was scared of losing you too. She told me.”
“We're all scared of that. Especially those of us that have high risk jobs. But I hope she wouldn't have let it paralyze her.”
“She was a stronger person than I am.”
“I'm not going to argue with that. She was a hell of a woman. There's not going to be anybody else like her.”
“I can agree with you on that.” I assumed that one day Cameron would start dating again. I wasn't sure how I would face that. But if he can move forward, then I would wish him well.
“Just think about it man, this mountain logger image, it's cool as hell but it isn't you. You belong in an office or on a mission.”
He was right. I've been able to blend in at black tie parties. I could slip into a business meeting unnoticed and not stick out, probably because of my upbringing. Like Bethany’s family, my father had hosted any number of galas.
But my mountain man phase wasn't all bad. It was part of who I was now. I met Bethany.
Maybe I did need to tell him about Bethany. But if he survived and I didn't, then someone would need to get her from the hotel and get her back home to Little Rock safely.
“There’s one more thing I need to tell you.”
“Yeah?”
“There's been a young woman staying with me for the past few days.”
“What the hell? Why didn't you lead with that? A young woman? What are you even talking about?”
“Why are you freaking out?”
“Because you haven't even looked at a woman in the past year! I thought you’d become celibate.” His eyes narrowed. “Is this about the woman that came marching out of your cabin that night?”
“Yes, it was. And I have been celibate. And I was planning to stay that way.” And how’d you know I was sleeping with her. I didn’t say that part out loud.
Cameron rolled his eyes. “I have known you for a very long time. And I work for the top level intelligence agency. I think I can spot when my buddy is smitten.”
“I’m not smitten.”
“Oh, but you clearly are.”
“We don’t have time for this now. If I don’t make it out of this, she’s in the Pine Hills Resort down the road. Room 323. I need you to get her and take care of her.”
“When you said young woman, how young?”
“She’s twenty-two.”
“Damn dude.”
“Shut up.”
“Oh, I am not going to shut up. Not even close.” He gave me one more hard smack and then hauled his bag over. “Now, on to business.” Cameron opened his bag. “You have your stuff here?”
“Yeah. I do.” We both donned bullet proof vests, a few sharp knives, and we both put handguns in a hip and thigh holster. We packed snow gear, night vision goggles and extra ammo.
“This feels like old times,” Cameron said. “You sure you don’t want to come back?”
“I think I’ve lost my edge.”
There was a part of me that did want to go back to the agency. But there was a larger part of me that wanted to remain on this mountain, living off the land. I’d grown to appreciate the towering pine trees, the jagged mountain ranges, and the clean, crisp air. Air like that didn’t exist in all the cities I’d inhabited over the years.
“Let’s get going.”
As I loaded my gear onto the snowboard, I was reminded of Bethany riding on the snowmobile after getting the tree she loved.
We tied the tree to the sled and pulled it behind the snowmobile. She was beaming the whole way, and taking photos of everything with her tree. Shit. That was the first time I’d seen her taking photos. I was going to have to tell her not to post a photo of me on social media. The last thing I needed was some thug seeing me with her, and noticing where we were.
“No pictures of me on social media,” I said as soon as I parked the snowmobile.
Luckily, she didn’t argue. “Okay. I can do that. I don’t post much anyway. My parents aren’t fans.”
That was nice. It seemed innocent enough, but I’d seen my contacts in other countries end up screwed over because of an innocent post that was seen by the wrong person.
“Can I take one of us and keep it to myself?” she asked.
“Sure.”
She leaned around me on the snowmobile, and held her phone up. She took the photo with all of our gear on, so you couldn’t tell who we were. She kissed my cheek. “I’ll get one of us in front of the tree, and you’ll actually be able to see our faces.”
My cheek tingled where she’d left her kiss. It had been the one spot that wasn’t covered by my scarf. She hopped off and started untying the ropes with one hand. It was amazing how quickly she could disarm me.
This was about more than sex. This was about more than keeping her safe.
I had feelings for her, and I had no fucking clue about what to do about it.
25
Bethany
The closing of the door to the hotel room echoed for a long time.
Within seconds, I got a text.
Bolt the door. Use the extra latch up top.
Still wearing on the fluffy white hotel towel, I bolted the door.
He texted again. Is it done?
I replied to let him know it was.
I texted again. Be careful. Please.
After that, I didn’t hear back from him. I didn’t want to distract him, so I didn’t text again.
I had known Logan wasn't serious about me.
But I’d thought we had more time together. Now I was stuck in an empty hotel room, for God only knew how long.
The worst part was that I didn’t know how much danger he was in. I could deal with my own disappointment. But I couldn’t deal with losing him. I knew he wasn’t going to be mine permanently, but just knowing he was carrying on with his life would be enough.
I tried not to let myself slide into a melancholy mood, but the truth was… I missed Logan already. He was everything I didn’t know I wanted, and now he was in danger.
I paced the room. It was a really nice room. The view was great. It smelled like cinnamon and cider, and the window looked over a quaint little bridge that crossed a creek. Snow blanketed everything.
A small boy walked by carrying his snowboard. Behind him, his parents carrying their own skis. I missed my own family. But I was glad they weren’t here. I didn’t want them to be in danger either.
There was no way I could settle down enough to read on my phone or watch TV. At least I had my phone. I didn't have my charger but there was one in the room. He didn't say I couldn't talk to anybody.
First I texted the photo of the tree to my parents. I couldn’t call them. If they heard my voice, they’d know something was wrong. If they asked whether I was okay, I wouldn't be able to respond without breaking down into tears.
My all natural tree! Decorated in my friend’s cabin.
My mother responded immediately. Oh honey, it’s lovely! You have a decorator’s eyes! Your father’s doing rounds at the hospital today, so he won’t see it for a while.
I didn’t need my dad to admire my tree. I just wanted to send them something, in case something happened to me.
I had complete faith In Logan’s ability to protect me. But I did not know what we were up against. I did not understand the danger. So just in case I wanted to communicate with my family.
First I dialed Mia's number. I couldn't do a video call because I didn’t want her to notice I was in a hotel.
“I’m good. Really good,” I said, trying to add a little insinuation into my voice.
“Tell me everything!”
“First tell me how the wedding was.”
“Oh it was beautiful! It was at the Anthony Chapel in Garvan Gardens. They wanted a really natural setting.”
Mia went on to describe the bride, the groomsmen, and the reception. I let the words wash over me. I had missed her.
Next I called Emma. “Hey!”
“Hi! How’s your brother?”
“He’s good. Our mom’s got us busy running all over town. I think he wants to sit around and chill out. But we’ve been to the arts center to see the displays, the Arkansas State Capitol building to see the Christmas lights, and we’ve been to the Arkansas Symphony Orchestra.”
“Wow, that’s a lot.” My throat burned again as we said goodbye. Those were all things that I usually did with my family. We also went to the theater to see the Nutcracker ballet.
My mom was at the office, and my dad was at the hospital. Maybe I could call my brother and sister at home.
Linley answered on the first ring. “Bethany!”
“Hey sis. How’s it going?”
“It’s good.” she sighed, making a very exasperated teenager-ish sound. “I took your advice then I started trying to be nice to Jason.”
“Yeah? Is it helping?”
“A little bit. I told him I would help advocate for him to have a later bedtime with Mom and Dad if he would never touch my door or my room again.”
“Well that sounds like a great idea.”
“I also told him he has to bring me orange juice in bed every morning.”
I surprised myself by laughing out loud. “It's all about compromise.” I clutched the phone tighter in my hand. “I'm really proud of you.”
“That's nice of you to say but I'm still going to thump him on the head if he gets out of line.”
“That sounds fair enough to me. Listen I have to go. I love you.” I hung up before she could ask me what was wrong.
Then I called Jason's number. When my parents had bought him the phone, both Linley and I had objected. We argued that we did not get phones until we were twelve. But they bought him one when he turned ten.
