by Maine, Miley
Admittedly, that wouldn’t really be enough for me, but then again, I have always been at home with Jenny while he was working. That was a good enough arrangement, I love being at home with my daughter, and I thought he was enjoying being out chasing success. How little I knew that it was all just a ruse and I was basically married to the freaking mafia. And now he is about to use all that he won in the divorce court against me.
“Unfortunately, Rebecca, this is a legal requirement and there isn’t anything I can do to fight it.”
“Can you not go back to his lawyer and offer him more days at a different time of year?”
Ten days is too many, so I don’t know why I am offering more, but Christmas just feels too painful. What would I do during Christmas on my own? He knows that I love making special things for my little girl, so why would he try and ruin that for me? Okay, so I get that he’s mad about the divorce because he didn’t want it to happen, but he’s the one who lied, so what else did he expect from me? He’s a liar and a criminal.
“I can put the request in,” Larry agrees. “But no guarantee that Taylor will go for it. If he’s determined, there isn’t anything I can do about it.”
I want to demand that he fights harder, but I know what he’s like and how he works. He might not put all his emotion into it, but he works hard for me and I know he’ll do everything he can. If Taylor is determined, there probably isn’t anything I can do.
“Thank you, Larry.” I sigh heavily. “I appreciate everything you’re doing for me. Just try that I have Jenny with me this Christmas, that’s the main thing I want. Even if he gets to have her at New Year time.”
“Hold on, let me just write that down. I need to get all the details I can before I go back to Taylor’s lawyer. I don’t want to end up getting you a bad deal.”
I don’t say it aloud, but all of this sounds like a bad deal to me. “Yeah, thanks, Larry. Sounds great.”
By the time we hang up the phone, I’m an emotional wreck. I slide to the floor and fall apart, letting the tears flow free. Within seconds, my face is absolutely soaking, because I feel like an idiot all over again. I have been becoming emotionally attached to Taylor, in my dreams over the last few days, just for him to crush me all over again. Why do I have to be such a fool? Tricked again. I hate him. Any love that I ever felt for him, has transformed into a burning hate. One so powerful it makes my whole body hot. I feel like I need an outlet for it, I need somewhere to go, but I don’t have anything right now, so all it can do is stew inside of me, growing bigger by the moment.
I just don’t get how he could do this to me, how he could be so outwardly cruel, how he could attack me like this. He has told me over and over again that he isn’t a bad person and he’s even let me know that he wants me back. I guess my instincts were right, and he really is terrible. He’s decided to let his true self free, and now he’s going to make me really suffer for it.
“I hate him,” I mutter to myself, as I bang my head against the wall over and over again. “I hate him, I hate him, I hate him.”
Why can’t he just leave? Go and live somewhere else, start another family of his own and leave us alone. I might hate that, but it has to be better than this, I am in absolute agony right now. If he was gone and I didn’t have to deal with him anymore then surely, I would be able to move on. Not that I’m eager to be with someone else or anything, because I can’t imagine that, but I do want to be not so caught up in my feelings.
It takes me a little while, but eventually I pull myself out of my sad stupor and go to check on Jenny who’s happily playing with her dolls in the living room. The one saving grace in all of this is that she isn’t aware of what’s going on. We have managed to keep our arguments and bitterness to ourselves, so she is unaware. Obviously, she knows that we don’t live together anymore, and she has adapted herself to it. But I do need to talk to someone about this, and while I already know her opinion is gonna be a negative one and I’m not gonna get anything from her, I still end up calling Maggie. Perhaps her negativity is exactly what I need right now, because it just reinforces how angry I am.
“Hey there, Rebecca,” she answers the phone brightly. Then again, Maggie is always pretty happy. She seems to have made all the right choices for herself, which is something I am really jealous of. I never used to be, until a year ago. I thought that I had made the same kind of choices for myself, different to Maggie’s but right for me, but only now I learn that it was all a lie. “How are you?”
“I’m upset,” I admit, even though sometimes it feels like all I do is moan. “Taylor has been at it again.”
“What has that scumbag done this time?” she growls in anger, immediately changing her tone, letting me know how fuming she is before she even begins. “I will kick his ass, you know?”
“I don’t want his ass kicked... yet anyway. I just need some advice about what to do. You see he wants to have his ten days with Jenny over Christmas and New Year.”
“Oh God.” See, Maggie gets it. If she can immediately understand how painful this is going to be for me, why doesn’t he know? Taylor is supposed to be the person who understands me more than anyone else. Even if we are divorced, he knew me inside out. I was always honest with him; I never lied. “Yep, now I’m definitely going to kick his ass.”
“I’ve asked Larry to see if he can get to change his mind, but I don’t think he will. I’m pretty sure he’s doing this just to punish me.”
“I don’t suppose there is any way you can refuse?”
“I already thought of that, and there is no way. It’s in our divorce agreement. I don’t think I can fight it.”
“Even though he’s a criminal? It doesn’t seem right that he has any legal rights on his side. God it makes me so mad.”
“I know, but for some reason, he seems to get away with everything anyway. It really pisses me off. I don’t want to have Christmas and New Year by myself.”
“I don’t have to go home to see my parents if you want me to stay?” Maggie offers right away, but that isn’t something I’m going to take her up on. If I could afford to go and see my parents in their new home in Australia, then I would go home too. “I was only going until Boxing Day anyway.”
“No way, I will be fine.” I huff sadly. “I’m still hoping that somehow Larry will get through to his lawyer, and we’ll find a way to work this out.” I don’t really have much hope, but I don’t want to affect anyone else’s holiday, especially not Maggie’s. She has been such a rock for me through everything, supporting me through all the shit that Taylor put me through. She is the one person I complain to, so she deserves some time off. “It might turn out that he only has Jenny for New Year’s, which is perfect for me.”
“Hey, if Taylor has Jenny on New Year’s Eve, then we could go out! We could go to one of those parties that they have around here. I was planning on going anyway, but obviously it would be a million times better with you.”
I make an agreeable noise, but I don’t know how much I like the idea of that. I was never a massive party animal, but even less so since I was married. I didn’t need to go out to the bars, because I had everything that I wanted at home. I haven’t been out since the divorce either because I haven’t ever been in the mood, but I don’t think Maggie will let me get away with it if it means being alone on New Year’s Eve.
“Hey, maybe we should go out during the next weekend that Taylor has Jenny as a warmup.” Maggie seems to sense my hesitation through the phone. “I’ll show you how much fun we can have together.”
I don’t think she’s going to let this go, so I make a non-committal but agreeable sound. That isn’t quite how I wanted this conversation to go. I thought I would bitch, and she would agree with me, before giving me some tips on what I should do. Instead, I am none the wiser and seem to have agreed to go out clubbing, even though that sounds like a nightmare.
I guess that there is only one thing I can do, and that’s wait until I hear back from Larry in response
to my proposal. Taylor probably won’t go for it, I’m already aware of that, but until I have a definitive answer, I can still hope that he will pull his head out of his ass and stop trying to upset me. I mean, hasn’t he done enough of that for a lifetime?
4
Taylor
December 18th
Nerves zig zag through me as I make my way to Rebecca’s front door. I always feel pretty anxious when its pickup or drop off time because it’s the only time I get to see Rebecca, and even though I have blown it, I can’t help myself but want to make a good impression. I don’t know if she will ever see me in a positive light again, but it doesn’t hurt to try.
Today however, I’m even more nervous than normal, because it’s the first time I will see her after my plan has been put in to action. I already know that she doesn’t like it, my lawyer has informed me that Christmas is pretty much off the table, but I already knew that was going to be a problem, which is why I did all of this.
I have to be a dick for a while for things to hopefully work out in the end. She might hate me now, in fact, I’m sure she does, but I’m hoping the hatred doesn’t last forever when she realizes what I’m trying to do.
I suck in a deep breath, metaphorically put on my big boy pants, and head for the door to face whatever is going to come my way.
That doesn’t mean my legs don’t shake as I knock though. It also doesn’t mean that my breaths aren’t labored, and my heart isn’t pounding. Really, I’m a mess, but as long as I keep cool on the outside, that’s all that matters.
“Daddy!” Jenny jumps into my arms the moment she sees me. “I missed you.”
I hug her tight, soaking in her sunshine. She really is a little adorable bubble of happiness that makes this whole mess a lot more bearable. I don’t know what I would do without her, my baby girl means everything to me.
“I missed you too, sweetheart,” I tell her seriously. “You have no idea how much I miss you. Every single minute each day.”
God isn’t that the truth? I might be seen as this massive workaholic, but I do miss my daughter all the time. I constantly regret what I did when I was younger and lying about it to end my marriage. If only I had known this I would end up in this mess, I would have been open and honest, and none of it would have happened.
“Have you got all your things?” I ask Jenny as I slide her back to the ground. “We don’t want any more forgotten toy dramas, do we?”
She nods her head happily, as if she has no memory whatsoever about all the tears and tantrums, we had last time she was at my place because she had left her precious bunny behind. I did think about going to Rebecca’s house to pick the toy up, but it felt too awkward. I don’t know if Rebecca and I are on that page yet. It’s hard for us to have any kind of friendship, when she is still hurting so badly, but I want so much more from her.
“I have everything, Daddy,” Jenny reassures me in an overly confident way that only a five-year-old can do, especially if said that the five-year-old hasn’t even checked her bag. “You don’t need to worry; my bunny is with me.”
“Okay, you probably should go and say goodbye to your mom then.” I stand up straight and force a smile on my face. I don’t want Jenny to know how worked up I am about the fact that I haven’t even seen her yet. She is clearly avoiding me, which is a terrible sign. I’m already starting to wonder if my plan is a good idea. “Then we can get going whenever you are ready.”
As she goes to grab her mom, I chew down on my bottom lip, not to let any of my nerves out. Being in the house that we all shared as a family only heightens things. It brings all my emotions to the surface and leaves me terribly sad that everything fell apart. I wonder if Rebecca feels the same way. The fact that she’s kept the house exactly the same is a sign that she really doesn’t care. It’s truly heart breaking to think that she might not be bothered, and she might have pushed everything that we had away, but I suppose if that’s what she’s had to do to survive, then I can’t blame her. I suppose her discovering about my jail time might have come in such a shock, that she could turn all of her feelings off, but I really hope I can turn them back on again.
“Hello, Taylor,” Rebecca says the moment she sees me. She can’t seem to keep the icy coldness from her tone. “Jenny has everything in her bag, including her bunny. She let me know that she forgot to pack it last time and was very upset about it.”
Oh God, is this a dig because I wasn’t the one that told her about the bunny? I thought I was doing the right thing, but sometimes all I can do is wrong. This is a nightmare. I don’t know how to navigate this. There should be a book. Actually, there probably is a book, a ton of books, you just need to know where to look for them.
“Erm, right.” I don’t know what to say, which isn’t helping as she is not even looking at me. I can practically feel the hate radiating off her. “Well we survived it. I mean it’s better than getting two of every toy for each house isn’t it?” This is meant to be a joke but comes off as someone who doesn’t believe that the divorce is going to stick which isn’t an impression I want to give. “Anyway, we will get going now, leave you in peace.”
“Like you are doing me a favor?” she snaps, all of a sudden losing her cool, letting some of her anger out. “Just like you’re doing for Christmas. Giving me peace during mine and Jenny’s favorite time of the year?”
Luckily Jenny has already shot past me to get into the car, so she isn’t close enough to hear her mom growling at me angrily.
“I have ten days during holidays with her, you know that,” I shoot back, reminding her of my rights. “That’s what the judge decided, to make it fair between us, and I haven’t had my ten days yet.”
“Fair?” she cries back. “How exactly is any of this fair on me? If you remember, I didn’t do anything wrong, now I am losing out on Christmas, just because you decided that you want her now? How is that fair when I have her all year because you cannot be bothered.”
“Are you joking?” Now it’s my turn to be angry. “You make out like I am a dead-beat father, when you know nothing to be further from the truth.”
“Well when you could have had your ten days anytime during the year and didn’t, what am I supposed to think?”
“I have to work,” I yell as she shrugs hopelessly. “You know that’s why I’m not here every single day. Plus, legally I’m not supposed to be here every single day. I’m only allowed to be here to pick up Jenny. I do what I can.”
“The reason you are only allowed here to pick her up, is because you chose to run an illegal business. And before you start, I know you say it’s legal now, but how am I supposed to believe you? They always say that people who tell little lies are capable of telling big lies, but you didn’t even bother with the little ones. You went straight for crime and jail time.”
“I have tried to explain that to you time and time again… it wasn’t like that. If you would just let me explain, I could show you that you were all wrong about me.”
She shakes her head letting me know that I’m not getting anywhere before I even begin. She can be so frustrating. All I want is an opportunity to show her that I’m not this bad guy that she thinks, but she won’t let it happen. It seems to me like she’s being stubborn just to punish me.
“I will never get over the fact that you did this to me,” she tells me sadly, making my heart shatter, causing me to regret absolutely everything. “I think you know what you were doing, Taylor, I think you were waiting for this moment just to hurt me more, as if you haven’t done enough.”
She guides me outside and basically slams the door in my face Which is obviously hurtful, but I have to accept that as part of my plan. I knew that she would be angry, and I told myself that I could get through it. I just wasn’t anticipating how hard it would be to see that look on her face.
I let out a sigh as I head towards the car, thinking about everything I have been through. Sure, the jail time was all my fault, but I have been punished for that. I shouldn’t ha
ve to suffer forever because I got involved with the wrong people.
It was naivety really, trusting people who promised me they would get me to the top quick. I believed them when they explained what sounded like a pyramid scheme, but a good one, one that benefited everyone. By the time I realized that it was probably more than that, and I should be worried, I was already in too deep. I was scared of the people who I thought were going to save me; I knew that they weren’t going to let me go easily.
And then we got caught, I was the only one with my name attached to anything, so the people that I trusted threw me under the bus and I was the only one who ended up with jail time. That made me angry for a long time, I was disappointed with myself, now I’m just sad about everything I screwed up.
I suppose I can’t really blame Rebecca for her emotions, I mean, what sort of person doesn’t realize that they are involved in money laundering until it’s too late? Not someone who is supposed to be smart, that’s for sure. But my business now has nothing to do with the trouble I got in before. I started again and did everything properly. I didn’t go for any quick fixes, I prepared myself for it to take a long time, and for me to have to put in a lot of work, which is what I’ve done. That’s why I can be so much proud of what I achieved this time around.
But Rebecca isn’t having it, ever since she saw that stupid newspaper article, she thinks that’s all I am, and all I will ever be. I can’t seem to prove myself to her at all.
