by Maine, Miley
“I need her back.” I start walking around the room and organizing things just like I told Jenny I would. “I can’t go on living without her. It’s ridiculous. How did I even let her go? What an idiot.” I shake my head angrily. “Never again, Taylor, you can never do that again.”
* * *
As I tuck Jenny into bed, stroking her head softly while reading her a story, I grow even more excited about the idea of having Rebecca in this house. Getting her through the front door is going to be the main issue. Once I’ve done that, I’m hoping the next part will be simple.
Although I could be wrong. That might be the hardest part of all...
“Do you really think Mommy will like it here?” Jenny asks sleepily just as she’s about to drift off. “You think she will like our new house?”
Uh oh. Now I’m starting to see another way that I have made a mistake. It seems like Jenny is beginning to think that this move will be a permanent one, rather than Rebecca just coming here for ten days. Of course, that would be the ideal situation, but I’m definitely not going to start hoping that. Right now, I need to focus on her seeing me, the real me, and remembering who I actually am. Anything else, such as anyone moving anywhere for that, I can’t focus on that just yet.
“I’m sure she will like the new house.” I lean down and kiss her on the head. “If she decides to come and stay.”
“She will.” at least Jenny is confident. “She will want to come and see my bedroom when I tell her how tidy it is.”
I glance around actually impressed with what a good job Jenny has done. She must really want her mom to come here.
“I bet she will, baby girl,” I murmur quietly. “I bet she will.”
“Do you love Mommy like you love me?” she continues, her eyes not opening at all as she does. “Because I love you and Mommy the same.”
It’s actually quite hard for me to fight back tears because the only reason she’s asking this is because it’s on her mind. With her eyes closed and her inhibitions lowered, she feels a lot freer to ask me these challenging questions.
“I will always love Mommy.” I want to be diplomatic, but truthful as well. Even though I seem to find it hard to get anything right, this definitely feels like the correct answer to give. Maybe Rebecca wouldn’t agree, but that’s because she always seems to know what to do. She never seems to put her foot in her mouth and I’m envious of how she never seems to be wrong footed. But maybe I will get there myself someday, who knows? “And of course, it goes without saying but I will always love you too. You are the most important girl to me on the planet.”
I don’t know if I’ve given her enough, I hope I have, but it’s hard to be sure, since she’s drifted off to sleep. I’m sure if Jenny has more questions they will come, and soon I hope to give satisfactory answers in the way of her family being back together at last.
7
Rebecca
December 20th
The hangover still hasn’t fully gone by the time there is a knocking at the door. I don’t even think I drank that much; I just can’t handle it like I used to. I certainly don’t think that’s something I will be doing for a long time. I think a New Year’s Eve party with Maggie is cancelled.
But I don’t want to let any of the pain show as I answer the door, I have enough to worry about with who is on the other side.
“Jenny!” At least she is there to make me smile. My daughter runs to me and throws her arms around me as if we have been separated for years rather than a couple of days. Admittedly that’s how I feel about it as well. Any time away from her is too long. I might have more of the custody, but it still sucks having to be away from her when I didn’t do anything wrong. “How are you, sweetheart?”
I focus on her, finding myself completely unable to look at Taylor. It’s usually hard to see him anyway these days, but today is even worse than normal because I’m stuck with the guilt for thinking about him last night, when I could have been having a nice conversation with Brad. Instead I was focused on what we used to share and how good it could be, had everything not fallen apart. I also don’t want to feel the hatred I have for him because I still can’t understand what he’s doing to me. I still can’t fathom why he would want to upset me so much.
“I’m good, Mommy. And I had so much fun at Daddy’s house. I even tidied up my bedroom so you will love it when you come and see it.”
Come and see it... what is she talking about? Of course, I would like to see where she’s staying, that goes without saying. I would love to see the other side of her life, to know where her home is without me, but I can’t go in Taylor’s house, I’m pretty sure I gave up that right by divorcing him. I don’t even think I would want to see where he has moved to. I have to trust that he has a good set up for Jenny. Of everything that he has done wrong to me, and all the things I don’t agree with that he does, he has always been a good father to Jenny. He would never do anything to put her in any danger, so I have no reason to see his house.
How can I tell my daughter all that when she seems so excited? What on earth has happened this weekend? I feel like I missed out on something important. What I really should do is look to Taylor for some answers, but I still can’t bare the idea of seeing him.
“Oh well that sounds lovely, Jenny,” I replied blandly instead. “Maybe one day...”
“No, not one day, Christmas!” she yells back. “You are going to come with me for Christmas at Daddy’s house.”
Okay, now she’s starting to freak me out a little bit. I don’t understand what she is talking about.
“Ah, I don’t know about that, darling.” I hate myself for having to say this, but this clearly needs to be fixed now. Somewhere along the line there has been some miscommunication and since Taylor hasn’t fixed it, I need to. “I think it’s just you guys for Christmas sweetheart.”
“No, it isn’t.” Jenny shakes her head determinedly. “Daddy said. You can come for Christmas, so we can all be together. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”
My blood runs ice cold. What the hell has Taylor done now? I force my eyes upwards to meet his, and I’m so disappointed to see him shrugging and smiling as if this isn’t a big deal. What does he think is going to happen? That we can all hang out at his place over the holidays, playing happy families, as if nothing has happened? Does he honestly believe that’s going to work? He must be crazy. We are divorced for a reason, and people who are split up don’t spend Christmas together. I can only assume that this is a larger punishment for me. Perhaps he’s trying to portray me as wrong because he knows that I will say no, and he can then tell Jenny that I made the choice not to be with them for Christmas. God how can he keep doing this to me? It’s really starting to feel like he’s trying to push me over the edge.
“It’s a compromise, isn’t it?” He smiles almost like he can’t tell how much I want to wring his neck right now. “A way for both of us to see Jenny over Christmas. I didn’t want to miss out and I’m sure you don’t either.”
I fold my arms across my chest and stare him down. I hope I’m conveying in my eyes how nuts this idea is. I don’t know what part of his brain brought that up, but he needs to shut that down right away.
“It isn’t really a compromise when I don’t want any of this.”
“Oh, Mommy, please come for Christmas.” Jenny tugs at my top. Taylor knew she would react like this, of course she wants to have her whole family together for Christmas like everything is normal. This simply makes me more suspicious about what his angle could be. “It will be so much fun, I promise.”
“Okay, sweetheart. You go inside for now. I need to talk to Daddy. I will be there in a minute.”
Jenny gives me a pleading look, but I can’t deal with that right now. I’m going to have to sort him out first before I deal with letting her down. I am not prepared for this today; I can’t believe Taylor dropped another bombshell on me. What did I do to deserve this?
“I don’t understand,” I snap the moment Je
nny went inside. “Why are you filling her head with all of this, knowing it can’t happen? It seems cruel, Taylor. Not just for me since I’m going to have to break her heart now, but for Jenny as well. She will now have this idea in her mind of a magical Christmas with us all together, just like old times. You shouldn’t have promised her the past when we can’t go back there again.”
I don’t think it’s my imagination, for a second he looks actually crushed, which leaves me stunned. He can’t honestly believe that was going to happen, can he? No way, not after everything he did.
“I’m not trying to get back to the past,” he eventually replies. “I just want a way for us to be happy, and it seemed like a good idea. I didn’t mean for it to cause any bad feelings. I’m sorry for that. I want my ten days with Jenny, and unfortunately this is the only time I can do it, but I don’t want to hurt your feelings; I’ve done enough of that.”
“Huh, I’m surprised you even noticed,” I shoot back bitterly. “To be honest I didn’t think you even realized what you had done.”
He hangs his head low as shame radiates through him, which surprisingly doesn’t give me the sense of satisfaction that I was expecting. Strangely I kind of feel a bit sorry for him.
“I do realize what I’ve done,” he tells me rawly. “Believe me, I think about it all the time, and I couldn’t be sorrier. I feel horrible, which is why I want to make up for it in one way or another. I might not be able to do much, but this feels like something I can. Just a way to bring us both together for a short time at Christmas. I have a massive house anyway, so it isn’t even like we would have to cross paths much. It just gives us a way to both be there for Jenny. If you don’t want to, I guess it isn’t exactly ideal, but I want you to know that the offer is there if you want to give it a try, even for a couple of days, if we can make it work.”
Oh God, does he have to make it sound so reasonable? Now he will make me feel bad if I say no. I suppose, like he said, it’s worth trying for Jenny’s sake.
“You don’t have to give me any answer now.” He smiles at me. “I know this is a bit heavy, I didn’t exactly mean for Jenny to come bouncing out with it like that. I was going to talk to you about it, but she didn’t give me the chance.”
I don’t know how much I buy that, I’m sure he knows his daughter well enough to know that was the first thing she would do, but I’m not going to argue that with him. Mostly because he’s pretty much left me speechless.
“Something to think about anyway. You can let me know when you make a decision either way, and we can plan from there. If you have a better idea in mind, then that would work too.”
Obviously, I have a better idea, but since he’s already made it clear that he won’t let me have Jenny on Christmas Day, that idea is out the window. That pretty much leaves me with nothing to say, so I remain in a stunned silence as he says goodbye to Jenny and eventually leaves. The door practically slams on his way out, making me snap back into reality, not that any of this feels real. It’s a kind of dream, or maybe a nightmare. The idea of spending any time close with Taylor is too much for words. I don’t even know how I’m supposed to wrap my head around it. I suppose it beats being alone for Christmas, but it is still a terrifying idea. If I think it’s hard being surrounded by his stuff in our family home, then what the hell will it be like to actually be around him? The idea of it makes me shudder.
I eventually head back into the living room to join Jenny, who of course, immediately starts talking about how fun Christmas will be with us together, making it even harder for me. My head is about to explode. This is the sort of time when I really need advice from my friend, but I already know how Maggie will react. She will confirm my worst fears that this is some kind of plan, a trap to... well I don’t really know what he wants me to do. Feel upset that we aren’t together anymore? There’s no need for that, I’m already on that bandwagon. See how well he’s doing without me? I really don’t need that rubbed in my face. So, what could it be? The thing is, I don’t really want Maggie to tell me. I don’t really want to know. Especially because it seems like Jenny is desperate for this to happen. I don’t want to let her down. I didn’t want to ruin what could be a nice Christmas... even if it could be a disaster. I honestly have no idea what I’m going to do yet, I think it’s something I’m going to have to think about without the advice of my friend, because much as I appreciate what she says to me, she won’t understand why I’m even considering it. She will think I am crazy. And maybe she’s right. I mean, what good can come from this?
8
Taylor
December 23rd
I check my phone for what feels like the hundredth time, wondering why I still haven’t heard anything yet. I asked Rebecca to let me know if she was going to come with Jenny to my house over Christmas, but she hasn’t. My lawyer hasn’t heard from hers either, so it seems like she doesn’t want to go for it.
I can’t help but be crushingly disappointed about that. It sucks. It means that my plan fell apart... but I suppose I can’t do anything about that now. At least I tried. I can still enjoy myself with Jenny.
“So, you have everything handled while I’m out over Christmas?” I check in with Archie who will be running things for me for the ten days I get to spend with Jenny. “You don’t need anything else from me?”
He checks over his notes with his lips pursed. I can’t help but feel a little impatient as he does. Much as I need to know that everything is running smoothly at the office while I am away, I’m keen to get started on my vacation time with my daughter. I also want to see Rebecca as well, to see if she has a reason why she doesn’t want to stay with me. Not that I particularly want to hear her tell me that she can’t stand me so much, that she’s willing to give up Christmas because of it...
“I’m pretty sure that I have everything,” Archie eventually reassures me. “But I can always call you if I have any emergencies, can’t I? This is my first time doing this all by myself...”
“You can call me whenever you want.” I rest a hand on his shoulder. “I believe in you.”
He smiles but doesn’t look as convinced as I am about that, but I know he’ll be okay. Maybe after this year, he will be a lot more comfortable doing it more often, leaving me more time to spend with my family... if I end up getting them back.
“I need to get going.” I rise to my feet, ready to find out what Rebecca thinks about staying with us. “But I will keep in touch to see how things are going.”
Archie might be worried still, but I don’t have time to deal with that now. Mentally, I have left this place and I’m on my way to Rebecca’s. I can already see her expression in my mind, and she isn’t going to be happy with me.
How can I turn this around? I wonder as I head out to the car. How can I still carry on with my plan if Rebecca refuses to be anywhere near me? I still feel like we could have something amazing if she allowed us to. I don’t think we should give up something incredible because of a few errors. We don’t even need to go back to how things were, because now it would be a more honest relationship, which means it would be even better...
I don’t have much of a plan in mind when I turn up at Rebecca’s house, because I don’t really know what else I can do. I don’t know what else I can possibly do if her mind is already made up so I’m a bit worried before I knock on the door. The longer that it takes for her to come, the more anxious I become. I start to fear that she might have run off, so I can’t have Jenny at all. She might not have done anything like that before, and it might not be like her to break the law, but maybe I’ve pushed her too far this time. I didn’t consider my plan backfiring...
“Daddy!” Thankfully, before I can get myself in to too much of a spin, Jenny swings the door open and grabs me for a hug. “It’s Christmas!”
“Almost.” I try to smile brightly, but I can’t quite make it reach my eyes. “Are you ready to go?”
“I’m all packed!”
She tears off at the speed of li
ght, leaving me awkwardly standing outside. Because it’s chilly, and I feel all out of sorts, I step inside the door while I wait. Immediately I’m overwhelmed by all the memories that I have inside this place, the house that I bought with Rebecca not long after we got married. Because I had made my money then, we went for our ‘forever home’ right away, knowing that we wanted to settle down for good. I assumed then that we would never move, we would be happy there for the rest of our lives... little did I know that my past was slowly creeping up on me, and that my secrets would cause it all to come crashing down.
“Idiot,” I hiss to myself quietly as I stuff my hands in to my pocket.
The things that I wish I could change about my behavior washes over me once more, bringing with it the crushing sense of being trapped in a place that I don’t want to be. I put myself in prison before by being dumb and naive, and now I feel myself in another jail I created for myself by not being honest.
“Hello.” Rebecca’s cool tone snaps me from my thoughts. I drag my eyes off my feet and stare at her. Immediately I’m struck by the giant bag beside her... the sort of bag that she would only pack if she was coming to my home for the holidays...
But she didn’t agree to it, did she? She didn’t let me or anyone else know. That might just be Jenny’s bag for me to take. I shouldn’t get myself excited when it may not happen.
“Hi,” God, I sound weirdly shy. “Is everything okay?”
She nods slowly as a redness creeps up through her body. She looks like she’s strangely embarrassed.
“Is it still the plan for me to come to your house? I don’t want to impose...”
My heart soars, instantly I feel a hundred times lighter. My plan is working after all. Everything that I have been hoping will happen and come true... or at least I can try. I suppose there isn’t any guarantee, but at least now I will know that I have given it my all.
