by Maine, Miley
If he ends up in jail, so be it. If he’s doing bad things again, that’s where he belongs. Locked up to learn his lesson once more.
“How are you feeling today?” Taylor asks me immediately as I walk into the kitchen. Again, I feel horrible as I take the coffee from him. He really is treating me like a princess, which makes this far more complicated. “Are you better?”
“A little,” I agree. “But erm, I was actually wondering if you could keep Jenny busy again today because Maggie asked me to meet with her. She’s back from her parents’ house and wants to fill me in on the family drama.”
At least some of that is true, which is good. Thankfully, Taylor also isn’t aware of her feelings about him, because Maggie has always been polite to make life easier for me.
“Oh, sure.” he beams happily, just so glad that I’m okay, that he isn’t suspicious at all. “That sounds fun. Jenny and I can have a much calmer day today. No more fun fairs for me.”
He laughs, and I join in with him even though it’s not genuine. I can’t let him see how anxious I am because he will start questioning me, wanting to know what has caused me all freaked out.
“Sounds good, but I like the way you say that, as if you have any control over what you’re doing. You are wrapped around Jenny’s little finger, Taylor, and you know it.”
“Too true,” he agrees with me. “But I’m hoping she will be up for a more chilled out day as well. She’s been playing quietly all morning, which is a good sign.”
I glance towards the living room, wishing that I didn’t have to leave Jenny all day again today. That was never in my plans. But she cannot come to the police station with me, I can’t let her hear anything that I will be saying. I don’t want her to be worried that her father might be up to something bad. Until I know for sure, she cannot know.
“Right, well if you guys are okay, then I’m going to get dressed and go while she’s content. Hopefully then she won’t miss me too much.”
As Taylor nods, I think I spot a question in his eyes. I have to look away though, because I can’t answer anything yet. I need to focus on getting out of here and doing what I need to do.
* * *
“So, you’re going to look into this?” I ask the police officer with a tremble in my voice. “Because he has been in prison for doing something bad before, something to do with money laundering although I don’t have the full details. Drugs as well, I think.” The police officer is looking at me with suspicion. I don’t feel like he believes me. “Sorry, I know this is weird. I know that I was married to the guy, but he didn’t tell me any of this before, which is why we ended up getting divorced.”
“I see, and you’re staying at his house now, which is how you found all of this?”
“Yes, it was just like I told you. I know it sounds weird, but I don’t want to be away from my daughter during his custody days since it’s over Christmas.”
It sounds really strange, hearing it through his ears, I realize now what a mistake I made going anywhere near his house, but it’s too late to take that back now. Anyway, if it does lead to me finding something out about him, if I finally have the truth, then it will all be worth it.
“Okay, so you have suspicions that these transactions are linked to crime.” He nods. “Well that is certainly something we can look in to. Obviously, if this is a real issue again, then something will need to happen.”
“Something such as him being locked up?” I guess I need confirmation to know that this will result in the outcome I want. “Sorry, I just want to be sure, because I’m pretty freaked out right now.”
“I’m sure you are, and we will make sure that you are protected if it comes to it.”
I really hope he does take me seriously and really looks into this, because I need to know. I can’t keep my daughter around someone that could potentially put her in danger if he’s working for bad people.
“Thank you very much.” I force myself to leave because I have said all that I need to say. “And you have all of my information, so you can contact me if you need to.”
“I have everything written down right here.” He points at his clipboard full off notes. “So, we will be in touch. As soon as I have anything for you, any concrete information, you will be the first one to hear about it.”
I shake his hand and exit the police station having lightened my load a little bit. Now, the information I’ve had is in the police officers’ hands. There isn’t anything else I can do. I just have to wait. It leaves me impatient and frustrated because I have to trust another person... but this isn’t something I could find out on my own anyway.
Thank God I really am going to meet Maggie now, because I have so much to get off my chest. I’m going to have to be completely honest with her again, listen to whatever she tells me.
It doesn’t take me long to find her in the cafe around the corner from her apartment. We meet here a lot and have our usual table, which of course is where she is.
“Thank goodness you are back.” I throw my arms around her at the first opportunity. “And you look amazing, by the way. You don’t look like you’ve been through a stressful Christmas at all. I can’t believe it.”
“Urgh.” She rolls her eyes. “It was awful, believe me. Even if I don’t look like I’ve been through stress, I really have.”
“Tell me.” I take a seat opposite her. “I want to hear all about your drama.”
“I bet you do, but I want to hear about yours first.” she stares me down determinedly. “You have been through far more than me. How have things been with you and the dreaded ex?”
“Well, put it this way, I just went to the police station to hand in some documents I found. I don’t know what they mean, so I decided to get a professional involved.”
“Wow, girl, that’s good, I’m glad you took that brave step, but you do realize it could land him back in jail?”
“I know, but it had to be done. Especially since I have been idiotically fooling around with him. I know exactly what he is doing, for my benefit and for Jenny’s as well.”
Maggie can see how serious I am because it’s for my daughter. I want her to be safe at all times. If that means keeping her away from her father until he learns his lesson, that’s what I need to do.
“So, how are you going to deal with the rest of the visitation? You’re staying at his place, both of you, don’t you think that’s dangerous? If he’s running away on Christmas Day to do ‘business’, aren’t you afraid some of it might come to his door?”
“You think?” I haven’t really thought about that. “He isn’t a drug dealer or anything, he isn’t about to bring criminals to the house, is he?”
Maggie shrugs. “You just don’t know, do you? You can’t really be sure about how deep he is involved with all of this.”
That terrifies me even more. I have been pulling back from him, and I’m pretty sure he’s realized that, but now I don’t even want to be in his house anymore, and I don’t want Jenny there either. But how can I get us both out of there without it being obvious and suspicious? I don’t want him to figure things out until I’m sure what’s going to happen next.
“You need to find a way,” Maggie insists. “I know it won’t be the easiest thing in the world, but you need to put yourself and Jenny first. You can’t stay there and be fearful.”
Oh God, now I feel every emotion welling up inside of me. I’ve been trying to lock everything in, so I don’t completely fall apart, but now it’s all flooded to the surface once more. The love that I feel for Taylor even if I shouldn’t, the fear I’m about to find out he’s a bad person, the anger that he’s potentially lied me again, plus a million other emotions that I can’t quite label. It’s just everything, I’m completely overwhelmed.
“Don’t cry,” Maggie tells me softly. “I will be here for you. You aren’t going to be on your own. Don’t feel like you can’t do this. You left him before and you can do it again.”
This time for some reason,
it feels a million times harder. It was awful to divorce him, but it all happened in such a rush, I was so emotionally charged, that I was on autopilot through the whole thing. This time it feels much more painful and raw. I can’t stand it. I just want to rip my heart out of my chest and throw it away so he can’t stomp on it anymore.
“I have to go back today, to get Jenny, so I suppose I will make my decision then. I don’t want to freak Jenny out by acting rash. I need her to be ok to all of this. I don’t really know what’s happening yet, and I don’t want her to panic.”
Maggie is looking at me like I’m making an excuse, but that is not the case at all. I’m just thinking about what’s right for Jenny. I don’t want to ruin what has been an amazing Christmas for her. I need to keep my cool, so she doesn’t struggle.
“I am going to leave though,” I reassure her. “I don’t want to be around just in case there are criminals in his life. You freaked me out a bit now to be honest.”
“Good, I think you need to be freaked out. You need to realize how in danger you could be staying with him. A man who has been in jail before and continues to break the law has to be a dangerous.”
She’s right, I know she is. I can see the worry for me in her eyes. But she has expressed it now and I listened. It’s time for me to change the subject before my head explodes or I cry. Either way won’t be good.
“So, tell me about your family now. I need to hear about something else before I go insane.”
Maggie settles back into her chair and starts on with the hilarious stories about her Christmas dramas. I would much rather listen to that than worry about my own problems any longer. Since there is nothing I can do about it at the moment, worrying will only give me a headache, and I don’t need to add to the stress.
22
Taylor
December 28th
I’m really worried; I can’t help being panicky. Something has clearly changed with Rebecca, and I don’t know how to fix it. I keep trying to say the right thing, but every word that comes out of my mouth pushes her further away from me. I can’t seem to say anything right.
I don’t think it has anything to do with Maggie, although I’m sure that meeting with her didn’t help things because I’m pretty sure Rebecca’s friend isn’t too keen on me. Rebecca started being weird with me the moment she fell asleep on the couch. But this can’t really just be that, can it? It’s hard for me to believe that she would react this much to that.
I guess it could be because she didn’t want to start sleeping with me, and she feels bad about it. It isn’t supposed to be this way, I thought that the moment we succumbed to that chemistry we share, all her doubts would fly away, especially when she learned that my past wasn’t as criminal as she first thought, but it seems that I was wrong.
I so desperately want to get us back on track because ten days doesn’t seem like a long time anymore, especially since half of those have gone already. We are supposed to be on track at this point, according to my plan things are supposed to be so much better. I need to up my game.
I watch her fiddling with her phone in the corner of the room, blocking everyone else out, and I know that it’s time. I don’t have any choice; I need to find a way to show her how much she means to me. The Christmas bracelet went down really well. I got a necklace to go with it, but I figured that was too much to give to her all in one go. I didn’t want to freak her out. But now, I’m sure that it’s time.
I sneak out the room, not that it makes a difference because she’s not looking at me anyway, straight to the drawer where I left the gift wrapped up. My heart sings with happiness as I pick it up because I’m sure necklace will be the conversation piece to get us talking again. I know that she said she needed to get her head in order, but we’re much better when we talk.
“This will be good,” I reassure myself in a whisper. “She’s going to love this.”
I close my eyes for a moment and envision the future I have been planning for myself, starting with us getting back together by New Year. I would love us to start the next year in a positive direction, moving towards the goal of getting our family back together for good.
There’s a smile on my face as I head back towards Rebecca. This is going to be worth dragging her eyes away from the screen, I just know it.
“What’s that, Daddy?” of course it’s Jenny who catches me first. “Is it a gift? Who is it for?” she takes it from me before I have a chance to reply. “Oh, it’s for Mommy, isn’t it? I can tell by the wrapping and the box. Did Santa forget to bring this on Christmas?”
Rebecca’s eyes predictably snap up and she almost glares at me. Not the reaction I was looking for.
“Erm, something like that,” I reply. There’s a strange heat traveling through my body, burning my skin. I think I might be blushing. “Why don’t you hand it over to Mommy?”
Jenny bounds over to her excitedly and gives her the gift. It’s a surprise to me that she hasn’t even asked why Santa hasn’t brought something for her too. She’s just so excited to have something to cheer her mom up. I guess it hasn’t escaped Jenny’s attention that Rebecca isn’t herself at the moment either.
“Open it, Mommy, I want to see what’s inside.”
Rebecca doesn’t look excited, but she does what has been asked of her with help from Jenny. It’s mostly my daughter who rips it apart.
“Oh, Mommy, look. It’s just like your necklace. Santa got you both.”
“Right,” she rasps back, sanding bit like her breath is strangled. “So, he did. Erm, do you know what, Jenny? I think it might be a good idea for you to go and pack up your things.”
What the hell? Why is Rebecca saying this? She wants Jenny to pack up her things as if they are going to leave. But she’s supposed to love the necklace. She isn’t supposed to want to leave. How the hell do I keep getting things wrong? I don’t understand. This was supposed to save us. “I think it might be time for us to go for a sleepover at our house.”
“We’re going home?” Jenny sounds as disappointed as I feel. “But aren’t we staying here for a few more days? I didn’t think it was time to go home yet.”
“Just for a sleepover, sweetheart,” Rebecca reassures her with a smile.
“Is Daddy coming for a sleepover?”
“Daddy might have to work; I’m going to have a chat with him while you go to pack up your things.”
“Don’t work, Daddy,” Jenny pleads. “Come for a sleepover with us.”
I’m too gob smacked to even answer her. I don’t understand why Rebecca is running like this. She can’t, can she? Or at least she can’t take Jenny with her during my ten days. I would much rather all be together, but if not, I at least want to see my daughter as much as I can.
Once Jenny realizes that I’m not going to answer her, she runs from the room to grab her things, leaving me alone facing Rebecca, wondering why we are in this weird standoff.
“What’s going on?” I throw my hands in the air in frustration. “Why are you leaving?”
“Because you keep giving me expensive gifts, Taylor. You know that I don’t need them, I’m not a woman after money, but you keep giving them to me anyway. What are you trying to do, buy my affection?” She gives the necklace back to me, then takes a moment to unhook the bracelet giving that back as well. “I don’t want you to give me anything. I don’t need anything from your drug money.”
“Drug money? I thought we discussed that. I thought you understood that was just a mistake from my past. Not who I am today. Any money I have now is from my business. I bought you this because I wanted to, I want you to know how much you mean to me, not because I’m trying to buy your affection. I’m sorry it came across that way, that wasn’t my intention at all.” God, I feel even more helpless than I did this morning. “Rebecca, I told you everything, even the parts of me that I’m not proud of. I told you that I was naive, and I got mixed up with the wrong people, I told you that it was all a bunch of bad choices. Never intentional. Anyt
hing I do now is legal.”
“I don’t know about that.” Rebecca shakes her head hard, her hair splays all around her face, determination surges through her. “I don’t know about any of that. All I have is your word, and how am I supposed to trust your word when you’ve lied to me in the past?”
“But that was before the divorce. I learned my lesson from that. I told you it won’t happen again, and it won’t.”
“Am I supposed to just believe you, because you say so?” she sneers. Hatred seems to roll off her in droves which is extra painful. “What about proof, huh? What evidence do you have that you aren’t doing anything wrong?”
“How can I prove that I’m not doing anything wrong? What do you want to see? I could show you all of my paperwork... but would you believe me then?”
“No,” she replies in a second without hesitating at all. It seems like she knows her heart well. “No, not a chance. Because you are good at hiding things from me, aren’t you? How would I know that you’re showing me everything? How would I know that I can trust you? I haven’t ever really been able to trust you, and that’s hitting me harder now than ever. I thought I could for a long time, but you broke that trust. You destroyed it completely.”
Fuck. I don’t know what to say, she’s telling me everything this time around, communicating like I wanted her to, but not saying the words that I want to hear. I want her to tell me how much she loves me, how she wants to give it a go again, how we can make it work, but she’s not giving me any of that. She’s growing increasingly distant by the moment. I can practically feel her yanking herself away, moving out of my reach, so I can never get her back again.
