by Maine, Miley
“I appreciate the apology,” I shoot back stoically. “I’m glad that you realize I’m not a bad person. I have been trying to make up for the lie that I told you, but it seems there is nothing I can do.”
I fold my arms across my chest in an attempt to protect my heart from what’s about to happen. Rebecca watches me do this with wide eyes. I guess she thought that the apology would be enough. I suppose over the last few days I have been acting so desperate to have her back in my life that I would roll over for anything. If I wasn’t so afraid that we would end up crashing and burning, I probably would. But the red flags are too big to ignore.
“Yes, okay, I see.” She takes a little step back from me. “So, I suppose there isn’t anything else you want to talk about?”
“What else can we talk about? I don’t feel like there is anything else I can say. We are in this position for a reason, don’t you think?”
“What...?” Rebecca gulps loudly. “What do you mean?”
“Well, you have let me know exactly how you feel about me. You obviously think it was a mistake for us to... end up as we were.” I don’t want to spell it out because it’s embarrassing. Also, because I don’t want Jenny to get her hopes up when nothing is going to happen. “And then your distrust got the better of you, so there isn’t anywhere we can go from here.”
I can’t believe it, after everything I have been through to try and get her back, I’m the one pushing Rebecca away. I can feel that she wants me to beg her to be with me, but I’m not going to. Not anymore. I can’t be with her if it isn’t right. Perhaps all of this has been a sign that we were never meant to be, not forever anyway. Just for a short time, to have Jenny, but now we have to go our separate ways.
If that’s the case, then I can’t fight it.
“I only didn’t trust you because you lied to me before.” Rebecca shrugs helplessly. “If you had been honest with me the whole time, then I wouldn’t have been in a position to not believe you, would I?”
“I know I did something wrong, but you can’t turn this one around on me. This is your fault, Rebecca, because you refused to talk to me.”
“So, it’s okay for you to make a mistake and not me?”
Uh oh, this is starting to get heated now. Rebecca has a red tinge to her cheeks which I know means that she’s full of rage, and I feel the same way as well. Logically, I know that the best thing to do is to step away from this until we’ve both calmed down, but unfortunately there is nothing rational about my emotions. I can’t help them from getting the better of me.
“My mistake was before we were married. Yours isn’t so much the mistake you made,” I growl. “It’s the fact that you’re never going to be able to trust me. I don’t see how we can ever come back from this.” She says nothing and simply looks at me like I have lost my mind. Maybe I have, I do feel a bit wild, but I’m also sure this is the right thing to do. “If you can’t trust me, then you’ll never be able to love me. We will never be able to be together properly. I think I’ve made it obvious that’s what I wanted, I never wanted us to split up in the first place, but now...” I huff sadly, hating myself for even having to say this. “Well now, I think that you might have been right. Maybe we shouldn’t be together.”
A thick silence clings to the air. So palpable that I can hardly stand it. Rebecca is processing this, trying to work out exactly what it means, and unfortunately, I have to just let her. I’m hoping that she calmly accepts what I’m saying so we can have some space for a while to figure this out. It probably is best for her to leave, allow me to have the days with Jenny like I was supposed to, by myself like I should have done with no plan, without any stress...
“There is no way I can accept that!” she screams loudly, clearly not taking this calmly at all. “This isn’t fair, you can’t do this to me. I was doing fine without you; I was getting on with my life no problem. I was even starting to get over you... and then you do this. You demand to have the ten days with Jenny over Christmas knowing how much it would crush me, then you offer me the chance to stay with you both so I don’t have to miss out, fully knowing that I would probably say yes, then you’re all sweet and caring, you make me fall for you again, you tell me everything that happened before was a mistake and I start to open up my heart to you... yes, I agree with you that I made a big mistake by going to the police, but how can you blame me after everything I’ve been through? You must understand how much you hurt me. You more than anyone, should realize what a challenge it is for me to even look at you. Then, just as I start to realize that I could love you again, you turn me down. You push me away and basically say that you don’t want me. Do you know how much of a head fuck that is? I don’t even know what to think anymore.”
She stares at me with crazed eyes, daring me to challenge her. To be honest, I can’t really say anything to all of that because I did have a plan. She’s right about that much. I basically tricked her to come to my house in a deceptive manner, so I can’t lie about that now.
“I’m sorry,” I practically whisper. “I didn’t think it was going to end up like this. I didn’t realize your distrust ran so deep. I know that’s my fault, but I don’t think we can progress while it’s obviously still there.”
“I can’t believe this; I can’t believe it.” I don’t think I’ve ever seen Rebecca looks so furious. “I hate you; I really do. I can’t believe you would do this to me.”
“And I can’t believe what you did to me either.” I have to defend myself. I’m not the only one in the wrong here. “You aren’t perfect, just like I’m not perfect. So, don’t act like I’m the only bad person. You might hate me, but I don’t know if I’m too crazy about you right now either...”
It’s gotten so heated that I don’t think either of us really know what we’re saying, never mind whether we mean it or not. Words are just spewing out of our mouths like vomit. The whole year of keeping everything inside explodes in an ugly way.
“No!” both of us stop dead in our tracks when we hear a little voice wailing. “No, don’t fight. Please, Mommy, don’t shout. I don’t like it, Daddy.”
Oh my God, we have spent such a long time trying to keep all of this away from Jenny, and up until this point we have done a good job, but everything boiled over and she heard us fighting. I don’t know how much she has listened to, which is pretty scary, because some horrible things have been said, but even if she hasn’t heard a lot, her tears let me know how hurt she is.
I stare at Rebecca in horror, and she looks back at me just as upset. We always swore to not let our daughter get in the middle of this, yet that is exactly what we just did.
This is bad, really bad, I don’t know how we can make up for this...
27
Rebecca
December 29th
“I’m so sorry, Jenny.” I scoop her up in a hug as quick as I can. “Mommy and Daddy didn’t mean to upset you.”
“Why were you yelling?” she demands through her tears. “I don’t like it when you’re yelling.”
I stare at Taylor in horror. He looks just as freaked out as I am about this. Then I think about the time we kept our cool for Jenny’s sake and now we’ve completely messed up. Jenny is devastated, it’s written all over her face, and I feel horrible about it.
“Mommy...” Jenny looks up at me with wide sad eyes. “Why can’t we all just be friends? I like it better when we are all having dinner together and playing.”
“We can have dinner together,” Taylor jumps in quickly. “There’s no problem with that. I can cook something for us right now. Would you like to eat?”
He’s panicking just as much as I am. We’re both pretty messy right now. As much as we are in a bad space between us, we need to push that aside and focus on making everything right for our daughter.
“Yes, whatever you want. Me and Daddy will get it for you.”
It takes a little while for Jenny to calm down, but eventually she does and Taylor heads into the kitchen to cook some din
ner, leaving me and Jenny awkwardly in the front room. Well, I’m feeling awkward, she isn’t too bad. She’s got over what she heard and is acting like everything is normal. Thankfully, she has all of her Christmas toys around to keep her distracted.
I’m a different story though. I feel incredibly weird, like I don’t belong here at all. I thought I would come back here to be greeted with open arms, I assumed that Taylor would be keen for us to get back together because it seems that’s what he’s been fighting for. I didn’t realize it he’s hurt too much too even consider it again. I didn’t expect that reaction at all, and now I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do.
Tears prick behind my eyes as I think about that expression on his face. The way he looked at me like I was the enemy rather than someone he loves anymore... I know I overstepped by going into his office and stealing his paperwork to take to the police. It sounds crazy even to say to myself now, but that’s in hindsight. There’s nothing I can do to change it. Now I just have to deal with the consequences of my actions... and those consequences seemingly appear that I’m losing Taylor. He thinks that I don’t trust him, that I will never trust him, and honestly… I don’t know if he’s right.
Can I ever trust him again? It will be hard for me to get over.
But I love him. I love him so much that it hurts. I love him so much that all I want to do is get over my stupid insecurities and make this work between us. I would do anything, I would give anything, but I think it might be too late.
I want to run. My leg is twitching up and down as I sit on the couch behind Jenny playing. All I want to do is run at the speed of light. I want to go back home, be alone, recover from this. Because to be honest, this is the first time that the heartbreak has felt real.
Just go, I tell myself logically. There is no reason for you to be here anymore. Jenny will be fine with her father, and he will understand you wanting to go after that argument... just go home and deal with this by yourself.
But despite my urges screaming at me to leave, I don’t. I remain exactly where I am, just waiting... waiting for something to happen. Anything.
“Dinner is ready.” It feels all too quick that he is here telling me that it’s time for us to eat. I guess I can’t run now. “Is everyone ready?”
I’m definitely not, but Jenny is already going to the dining table, so I guess I don’t have any choice but to follow her, face Taylor again.
“Is everyone alright?” Taylor darts his eyes between us both. “Does anyone need anything?”
Jenny shakes her head and so do I. Then we fall into an awkward silence. Even Jenny doesn’t seem to have anything to say, which isn’t like her. She must be able to feel that we can cut the tension with a knife. Poor girl, she doesn’t deserve this at all. I know I should make some conversation to make it easier for us, but I can’t find any words. My head’s all over the place, agonizing over what my next move should be.
I should go after dinner; I decide to myself. Tell Jenny that it’s time for her to be with her dad just like originally planned. We have had Christmas together now; I don’t need to be here for the New Year as well. Then I can call Maggie and apologize for being wrong again... I keep telling her I’m going to let her make all my life choices for me. Maybe it’s time that I go through with that. Just trust her rather than myself.
I blink a few times, trying to keep the tears inside, before I show how gutted I am. I can’t let Taylor see it now that he doesn’t want me. And he really doesn’t want me. Worst of all, I don’t blame him.
I will get through the next few hours, then I need to start picking the pieces of my life back up again. Really start again for the New Year.
* * *
“Jenny is asleep now, finally,” Taylor tells me wearily. “Although she isn’t happy at the thought of you leaving. She was crying for a little while.”
“I do feel horrible about it, but it’s for the best, isn’t it? I can’t stay here and continue arguing in front of our daughter. That was awful.”
“I know.” he drops on the couch beside me and drops his head in his hands. “That was bad, I’m really sorry about that. You just shocked me by showing up here.”
“I know, I probably should have called you in advance to let you know that we were coming. I didn’t think, I got the news that you hadn’t done anything wrong and came right over here because I knew that I needed to say sorry.”
He nods silently. I can still feel the tension running off his shoulders in waves. He definitely doesn’t want me anywhere near him, that’s for sure. So, I stay exactly where I am, stiff as a board.
“It’s just been a bunch of fuck ups, hasn’t it?” he groans through his hands. “From both of us. We just keep messing things up. Do you think that’s a sign?”
I try to swallow down the thick ball of emotion that lodges in my throat, but it isn’t going anywhere. It sticks there, making it a challenge to get any air in my lungs. He’s only saying what I have been thinking anyway, but it hurts more to hear it from him. To hear him confirm my worst fears is too much.
“Right, okay. So, you think that we should chalk it up to destiny and not meant to be? Do you think I should just go?”
He doesn’t even lift his head up to look at me which tells me all that I need to know. He can’t even look at me when Jenny isn’t around anymore, when we don’t have to pretend. He hates me, which means it’s time for me to go.
I push myself up into a standing position and start heading towards the door. The answer is clear, the decision I made a year ago sticks. There isn’t anything I can do to change it now.
“I am sorry, Taylor, I never meant for things to go like this. I didn’t mean to freak out, but I did. You’re right, if I keep proving to you that I can’t trust you, then what can we do? There is nothing, is there?” I can almost hear the pieces of my heart crack. “So, I will leave ,and we can go back to our original arrangement where we just see each other when it comes to handing over Jenny.”
He doesn’t give me anything, which signifies it’s time for me to leave. I move slowly because my body can’t bear for me to go, not that it makes any difference. He isn’t begging me to stay.
I even make it out the front door and lean my body against it, just a couple of the tears slide down my cheeks.
“Wait.” All of a sudden, I hear a whisper, and despite my knowledge that I shouldn’t allow it to happen, my heart starts to race like crazy. “Wait, Rebecca, I can’t let you walk out like that, I can’t just let you leave when we have both done things wrong. I’m not exactly perfect, am I? Like you said, you don’t trust me because I lied to you.”
“It doesn’t make any difference though, does it?” I shrug, feeling absolutely awful. “We were both wrong, and there’s no coming back from it. All we can do is carry on as we were.”
He’s in my personal space all of a sudden, blocking my exit, leaving me pressed up against his front door. All I can do is stare up at him helplessly, wondering what he’s going to do with me now. Not only he has my heart in his hands, but my body is as well. He could do whatever he wants with me, and I would let him.
“What are you doing?” I ask him quietly, my breath tickling his lips.
He grazes his fingers over my cheek, making me shudder under the tingles. His velvety skin has always set me on fire, and this is no different. If anything, it’s more intense this time around.
“Taylor?” I can’t keep the desperation from my tone. “What’s happening here? I thought that we were being smart.”
But as his lips edge closer to mine, it seems like we are putting sensibility aside and just going with our feelings instead. I would love to be the smart one and push him away, but I’m a slave to the love I have for him, I actually can’t help myself around him. I never have been able to, and it seems that’s never going to change. Even now, even after we have just had a conversation about how crazy it would be to even consider one another again...
And then we overstep the bounda
ry. His lips are on mine, his hands around my waist, his hips pressed against mine. My tongue invades his mouth, my hands knot up in his hair, I’m giving him just as much passion as he’s giving me. We are both in this together, both making this giant mistake at the same time.
The fact that we know we shouldn’t be doing this makes everything that much more intense and powerful. The sensations careering through my body are overwhelming, I’m dizzy under the heady power of lust. I really am losing my mind here...
28
Taylor
December 29th
Nope, we are definitely not being smart, and I love it. Of course there is a conflict inside of my mind since I’m the one who just tried to push her away, but it seems that my fingers, which are already buried in her panties, waiting to unravel her right here at my front door, are completely ignoring it.
“We should go inside,” she hisses as I drag my thumb along her soaking wet folds, moaning with pleasure as I do. It seems that even when she hates me, her body can’t resist wanting me. Particularly her clit, which is pressed up against my index finger, begging to be stroked. “Unless you still want me to go. I have no idea what you want.”
I respond by tugging her hair lightly to pull her head to one side so I can nibble her neck while I give her a little of what she wants. Rebecca is mewing like a fucking pussy cat, and I need more. I don’t care if my neighbors can see us. It wouldn’t even bother me if the whole world was watching. I need her so badly… too badly to see any sense at all.
“I want to hold you,” she hisses, almost angrily with an intense lust. “I want to feel how hard you are for me.”
It seems that Rebecca has forgotten we’re basically in public as well as she dips her hand under my waist band to stroke me on the outside of my boxers. Even that slightest of touch makes my hips buck, knocking her butt hard against the wood of my front door. The cotton is in the way, but only for a couple of seconds. She’s eager to hold my thick throbbing erection and she isn’t waiting long to cave to the temptation.
