by Maine, Miley
I knew that my parents were going to be disappointed when I saw that blue cross on the pregnancy stick. Even more than most parents would be. They always wrapped me up in bubble wrap and treated me like I was a baby, rather than a growing teenager, trying to shield me away from the real world. They spent so long focusing on keeping me away from everything, trying to turn me in to what they wanted of me, that they didn’t even seem to notice how much it made me rebel. I used to sneak out at night to go to high school parties, to spend time with my friends, to meet boys and do other normal teenager things, because they didn’t leave me a choice. It was the only way I could have any fun.
Sneaking out and rebelling always led me to push things further. My parents were so strict on me, so hard, that I felt so amazing by breaking the rules. It became like an addiction to me; I couldn’t stop it however hard I tried. Every time I argued with my mom and dad, I knew that later on I could be out having fun, without their knowledge. It made everything that much sweeter.
And when I met Ronnie, my rebellion went ten steps further. I was head over heels in love with him, I thought he was the one. I adored him so much that I lost interest in everything else, including my work at high school, which inevitably lead to more arguments and more rebellion. It was a vicious cycle that I didn’t know how to end. At least I didn’t until I saw that little blue cross. I knew then that nothing would ever be the same again. I expected it to be bad, but I guess I didn’t know just how bad it was going to get. I didn’t realize that I would end up losing absolutely everything. I suppose I was naive.
Obviously, the arguments were horrendous. It was the worst few days of my entire life. I brace myself before I told them, but I never could have prepared myself for the way my parents were going to treat me. It was like I had murdered someone, as if I had committed some really horrific crime, rather than falling in love a bit too young and ended up with a baby in my belly. I couldn’t see what I had done wrong; I didn’t believe it was as big an issue as they were making out. Sure, me and Ronnie would have a baby, but that didn’t have to change my life. I could still aim high and get the job I wanted, have the life I desired and having a child wasn’t going to get in my way...
Of course, now I know that was completely stupid because having a baby is hard, it changes your life in ways you aren’t expecting, it’s impossible to ‘have it all’.
So, when my parents kicked me out, I went straight to Ronnie’s, prepared to talk about our future together. We were in love, we had the best relationship ever, even if this wasn’t exactly in the plans, we would work through it together.
Only he didn’t have any plans to have a child. He didn’t have any desire to be a father, he didn’t even have any wishes to be with me full time, he just saw me as someone to have sex with. It took me a while to accept that I saw our relationship so much more than it actually was and I’m embarrassed about how long and how many times did I have to explain it to myself, but eventually I got it.
As a broken young girl, with no longer any parents on my side, no boyfriend to stand up with me, no one to support me through anything, I got on a bus with the wages I had from my part time waitressing job, and I started again. I didn’t look back once, and I haven’t been back to my hometown either. There is nothing there for me anymore.
To be honest, I don’t remember a lot of the pregnancy, it’s all a blur. It was painful, sad, I was in a lot of depression, but somehow, I managed to get through it. Somehow, I managed to have Travis on my own, and been able to survive this long. When I think about how little we have, it’s really hard for me, but when I think about where we have come from, it’s really impressive. I have got through a lot; I have survived things that most people wouldn’t be able to cope with. So even if I hate my data entry job, I have to keep going at it, I need to keep on top of things because it’s only me. Me and Travis against the world.
As I type, I wonder what it would be like to really move on from my horrible past, to settle down, to finally set down roots, and have a proper life rather this constant limbo that exists at the moment. If I was going to do that anywhere, I would like to do it here. This is the place where I have been happiest, and Travis has as well. This is where I would like us to be because not only do we love the house, the school is amazing as well, it’s all just perfect. And that’s not even thinking about the handsome man next door...
Oh God, Marc. That man who keeps asking me to go on a date with him, the man that is blatantly far too good for me, so handsome that he could have absolutely everyone in the world if he wanted, but for some reason he wants me. I can’t fathom it, but I have to admit I do like the attention. I do like the way he looks at me even if I can’t meet his eyes and gives me that piercing gaze. I would actually love to go on a date with him, but I can’t let him in, I’m too scared to let anyone in my life again. Especially not if I have to move again soon.
But I do like thinking about it from time to time, imagining what it would be like to actually be with someone so tall, blonde, and handsome. Someone with warm brown eyes that actually invites other people in. I never realized that Ronnie was so unpleasant until I had some time away from him and I finally got over my feelings for him. I don’t know what I was thinking with that idiot, I can only blame my youth and naivety. I imagine that it’s part of my rebellion as well. I picked someone so wrong for me, so dreadful and not what my parents would want for me...that’s the only single thing they were right on of course. I would tell them that as well, I would swallow my pride and let them know that they were right about Ronnie, but it seems like they don’t care enough about me to try and track me down, they don’t care about Travis either to even see how he is doing.
Well, they are the ones missing out. They are the ones who are missing out on an incredible child. Travis is amazing, especially considering everything that he has been through. He is growing up to be far more incredible than he should be considering everything and I’m super proud of him. If they don’t want to get to know him, then that is up to them. I might be struggling every single day, but at least I am there for my boy, at least I have had the privilege of knowing him. I will always have that and no one can take that away.
3
Marc
December 12th
“So, you are still in the old house then,” Dad laughs, sounding a bit echoic which I suppose is it to be expected since he’s on the other side of the world. “I don’t understand it, Marc, you have made yourself enough money to live in two mansions if you wanted to, yet you remain living in the house you grew up in. You must be crazy. We all think you’re pretty crazy.”
“I like it,” I tell Dad seriously. “I don’t want to move anywhere. I know the street well, I know all the people who live on it, I’m happy with my neighbors, I’m comfortable here. It doesn’t matter if other people think that I am crazy, this is where I want to stay. I don’t need a bigger place.”
I don’t tell him, but the real reason I stay here is because I want to keep the memory of my mother alive. She died when I was so young and it’s hard for me to have any memories of her at all. I don’t want to forget her completely, she’s my mother for goodness sake. At least here I still have a part of her with me the whole time. All the other stuff I said is true as well and just that now I have made my own fortune from my business, it doesn’t mean I want my life to change. I do prefer it here. Plus, I really like being within walking distance to the office just in case I need to go there, and I have car issues. There are a lot of reasons why I want to be here, and absolutely none for me to move. That’s good enough for me.
“Okay, well if you say so,” he teases. “But I’m sure one day your mind will change, and you will end up in a castle somewhere.”
“Dad, you have been in England for too long. No one lives in castles here,” I laugh. “How are things in the UK anyway?”
“Oh, brilliant. I really hope you can get some time off work next year to come and visit us. We would all love to have you here
.”
That makes me feel bad. I haven’t had a chance to go and see them ever since they first left. I keep promising myself that I will, but it doesn’t happen. I just haven’t had the time, I haven’t had the opportunity, and unfortunately, I haven’t really made the effort either which isn’t great. The idea that there will always be more time is in my mind when really it shouldn’t be. Losing my mom young should make me think about every day as an opportunity, and I would really like to be that person, but I haven’t had that chance yet.
“Yeah, I will do.” I really hope this isn’t just a false promise. “I will make the effort to come and see you within the next year.”
“And please bring any girlfriends you have, because I would love to meet someone. I want to know that you are not alone. I don’t like thinking of you in that house all by yourself.”
“I’m not by myself,” I insist because while I am it doesn’t really feel that way. “I don’t have a girlfriend, but I do have a lot of friends here and a very busy schedule.”
“I know, you always say that, but I worry about you after what happened with Chloe.”
Urgh, Chloe...like I want to think about her right now. I wish my dad wouldn’t speak about her at all because it’s so far in the past that I don’t even consider her a part of my history.
“Dad, that was years ago. I’m not worried about Chloe anymore.”
I roll my eyes and snort angrily. I’m annoyed at him for turning a nice conversation in to this, even if he does always have my best interest at heart. I just don’t need it; I don’t need to be brought down when I am so happy. I don’t need to think about the fact that I don’t have a girlfriend or a family or anything like that. Dad should realize I don’t need that conversation
“But she affected you, didn’t she? You had such a heart break when you’re so young that it turned you in to a playboy. It made you the sort of person that you never wanted to be. Someone who spends time with a lot of girls, but never serious time.”
Chloe was my only proper girlfriend, not that I like to think of her or count her as that anymore. I don’t even want to think about that time in my life because it was just a blip. Fourteen months which turned everything upside down.
She’s the only person who I ever really felt for and after eight months of us being together, I proposed to her. I really thought that proposal was going to lead to a long-term marriage as well. I wouldn’t have asked her to marry me if I didn’t want to marry her too. I really did see us together forever at the time. Even if that was only me being naive looking back.
But it seems that I was the only one who was fully in it. She had my college best friend on the go at the same time. She was playing both of us off against one another and causing far too much drama for my liking. I think she relished the drama more than the idea of having two men on the go at the same time. She loved how much we fell out over her and how the whole college was aware of what has been going on. It really put her on the map, and she loved it. I guess Chloe is the sort of person who doesn’t care who she tramples on with to get what she wants in life
Yes, I was heartbroken when I found them in bed together, and sure, I haven’t been with anyone seriously ever since, but I don’t think I’m damaged by the whole situation. It certainly hasn’t put me off romance. I just haven’t found anyone that’s all. I’ve been having my fun whilst searching for the right person for me. Someone who is lovely and caring, someone very unlike Chloe who never would have been good for me. Looking back now, I know for sure that our relationship wouldn’t have worked even if we had ended up getting married, even if she hadn’t cheated, we just weren’t compatible.
I could tell my father about Aisha and what I have going on with her, just to shut him up right now. But I don’t because there isn’t really anything to tell. That’s more of a fantasy inside my mind than anything real and telling my dad would probably only worry him more. There is no need for that.
“Dad, I’m fine, you don’t need to worry about me. I have a full life here,” I try to reassure him. “You don’t need to be worried about me at all.”
“Sure, well obviously I’m going to be worried about you no matter what you say. That’s my job as your father. But it’s good to talk to you anyway.”
“Yeah, it’s good to talk to you as well. Thanks for calling, Dad. Hopefully, I will speak to you before then, but I will definitely call you on Christmas Day.”
“Great, sounds good. I will talk to you then. But know that you can call me any time Marc, I’m always thinking of you.”
I know he is as well, just because he’s that nice a person. He was so unsure about leaving, but I told him he had to go to find his happiness. It seems like he has done that... I guess he just wants the same for me too. I am happy though, even if I don’t exactly have everything.
“Me too, speak soon, Dad. I love you.”
He sighs wearily and I can tell that I haven’t done anything to diminish his worries at all but without him coming back here to actually see me there’s no way he will be able to tell that I am really actually okay. I definitely need to go and see him, to show him face to face. Maybe if he can see me living my best life he won’t panic anymore. He won’t keep insisting that I need a wife to make my life complete. Of course, it would be nice to have the whole wife and family thing, but it isn’t essential to me. I just need to let Dad see that too.
“I love you too. Speak soon, Son.”
As I hang up the phone, a ball of emotion is lodged in my throat. I feel a bit choked up after that conversation and I’m not sure why. I don’t know if it’s the festive season, the fact that my family are so far away, or the conversation that we just had. I don’t know what the problem is but it’s hard for me to get my head back on straight. I feel a bit dizzy and weird about everything like I just need a moment to catch my breath properly.
What the...? I suddenly hear a strange noise that drags me from my thoughts. I head immediately over to the window to try and locate the noise. It’s coming from the school bus, or from the small boy coming from the school bus. Travis, Aisha’s son, is sobbing like crazy as he runs from the bus to his house. I don’t know what’s going on with him, he looks devastated, and I immediately feel awful for him. He isn’t the sort of boy who cries a lot, so this must be really bad...
My instinct of reaction is to go outside and to try and comfort him, to see what his issue is and to try and fix it for him, but I can’t. I’m certainly not the boy’s father and I don’t think his mother would approve. I don’t want it to come across as me just trying to get further into her life, to try and grab that elusive date, because it wouldn’t be that at all. It would just be me trying to be a nice guy, but I don’t think it will come across like that. I’m sure it will come across really badly.
I can’t interfere. I just have to stand here by the window like an idiot.
Aisha follows him off the bus looking just as devastated as her son. Now I really want to interfere, but I definitely can’t. She will kick my ass for even trying it. I might not know Aisha well, but I understand her well enough to know how she would react to me.
“Fuck,” I whisper as I watch them enter the house. “Fuck, that sucks.”
I don’t like this hopeless feeling. I’m a problem solver, and this is a something beyond my control. “Fuck, stop it, Marc,” I want to stop myself because I can feel myself about to do something crazy. “Don’t go over there. You will not be welcome. Just carry on with your life... you have plenty of things that you need to do.”
I grab the paperwork that I brought home with me, because it doesn’t matter how hard I try, I always end up bringing stuff back and that might be my own fault really because I like to reach home at a certain time. I have worked hard to get to where I am, but I also like to maintain life balance as much as I can. I lay the papers out on the table and try to focus on what needs to be done, but my head is next door the whole time. There is a magnetic pull taking me over there, even if I know
I shouldn’t...
4
Aisha
December 20th
“Why can’t I go to school, Mommy?” Travis moans at me for what feels like the hundredth time this week. “I want to go to school. I miss my friends. I’m not having any fun here.”
I resist the urge to roll my eyes. I don’t think Travis understands that I’m not having much fun either. This is impossible for me. I can’t home school him and work full time at the same time. If I can’t get this data entry done, me and Travis are going to find ourselves in an even bigger financial hole. But the hole we are already in is the reason why he is out of school. I just can’t afford it anymore, it’s such a good school, so lovely, and I know that Travis absolutely loves it and all his friends there as well. I would love nothing more than to keep him there, but I can’t afford it. I just don’t have the money. I am so behind on the bills there that I didn’t have any choice but to take him out. He’s done nothing but cry ever since that day, and it’s making me feel horrific. I absolutely despise the situation we are in, but I don’t see how I can get out of it.
We are in deep now, too deep, and I honestly can’t see a way around it. All I want to do is climb out of this hole, but I can’t find the first step. It’s a nightmare.
“We have to do school at home at the moment, Travis,” I finally tell my son through gritted teeth. “This is all we have at the moment. If I can get you back into that school, then you know I will.”
