by Maine, Miley
“Of course, not... I don’t do this for anyone. I just... well I like you; I like you a lot. I like Travis as well and I think he deserves an education...”
“I know he deserves an education; I want him to have an education. I’m his mother and I’m the one that’s working towards that always. You don’t get to be a part of that.”
“This isn’t something that I have done for glory.” I suddenly realize what the issue might be. “I’m not going to tell Travis that this had anything to do with me. I just wanted to help. I thought you might want Travis back in school.”
We stare at each other in this weird stand-off. She doesn’t seem to get my point of view, and I’m not sure if I understand Aisha’s. Why wouldn’t she want this help for her child? As far as I’m concerned it is absolutely no reason for her to be embarrassed, but she is and she’s full of hatred as well, all directed at me...
6
Aisha
December 21st
“I... I can’t pay you back,” I feel compelled to admit. I hate having to say this, it’s incredibly awkward, but Marc needs to understand what wrong he’s done. “I can’t afford this, that is why I pulled Travis out of school. I didn’t want to; this isn’t something I find particularly enjoyable. My son loves that school, and I enjoy him being there as well, it’s the one place I know he’s comfortable and safe, which is something that neither of us had a lot over the last few years. I can’t teach him at home either. I have full time work that I can pleat at home. I find it challenging enough to get through that, never mind adding that on top of everything...”
Shit, now I feel like I’m about to weep. I really don’t want to cry, that’s the last thing I can handle doing. I’m angry, I’m absolutely furious at Marc, I want to stay with that emotion because it’s much easier to deal with than sadness. Being upset leaves me vulnerable, it shows Marc too much of myself.
“But I don’t want you to pay it back,” he tells me. “I never expected you to pay me back anything. That isn’t why I did it. I understand you don’t want to owe anyone else anything. I just wanted to do something nice. Something to help you and Travis out.”
No, I can’t handle that, I can’t have him being nice to me. No one has been nice to me ever since Travis was born, ever since I ended up pregnant with him actually, and it’s making me irritated.
“I don’t want you to do anything nice for me,” I yell. “I don’t want you to do anything for me or my family. I can do it all by myself. I have been doing it all by myself. There is a reason why I don’t let people in, and you are just confirming that that’s the right thing to do.”
He looks a little horrified at me saying this, I might have spoken too fast and I’m probably being too harsh on him, but if I don’t go with the rage then I will definitely cry. It definitely isn’t the sort of thing that normal people do anyway. Obviously, Marc isn’t a normal person because he weirdly stays living right here when he could definitely afford better, he doesn’t flash the cash usually, but now he’s doing it for me and Travis when we are virtually strangers to him.
“This isn’t some weird attempt to get me to date you, is it? Because I want you to know now that I have been saying no to you for a reason. I’m not trying to be a bitch or play it cool. I just can’t date you, I can’t date anyone, and this doesn’t change that...”
“I haven’t done it for anything,” he insists. And if I’m not wrong, he sounds a little irritated by now. But I don’t care. If he doesn’t understand where I’m coming from that’s really his problem. “I just did it for you, I just did it so you can get Travis back in school.”
We fall in to an awkward silence again just staring at one another. I want to shake him to make him understand where I’m coming from, I want to tell him that I’m not as blessed as him and that people have to fight through endless battles to just do anything, I want to scream at him that just because life is easy for him that doesn’t mean it’s easy for other people, but I really don’t feel like he’s going to hear me. Marc seems deafened to me right now. He can’t hear anything I’m saying. He’s just spinning out a load of nonsense to me as well which I’m not listening to either. Right now, we aren’t getting anywhere.
“Fuck this,” I spit out angrily. “I can’t talk to you. You don’t get it. You live in your little bubble and don’t understand the rest of the world. You’re never going to understand the rest of the world. I’m going to get your money back from the school and give it to you right away.”
“Please I don’t want you to do that,” he calls out before I can walk away. “I don’t want you to do that to Travis. I just want him to go to school and I know that’s what you want as well. I just want the best for him.”
There are so many things I want to scream at him at that moment, but none of it comes out. Of course, I want the best for my child, how could he even ask me that question? But if I turn down Marc’s offer right now, then I guess I’m not doing what’s best for my child after all. If I keep Travis out of school when he doesn’t need to be, doesn’t that put me in the bad seat? Doesn’t that make me selfish and full of pride? A bad mother? Someone who Travis will go on to resent later in life?
But if I do accept this, then it puts me in an even worse position than I’m already in. My finances will go even further down the drain because I can’t take this money from Marc and not pay him back. I’m not the sort of person who can just take that charity. It isn’t me. I have always fought alone; I don’t intend to change that now.
I don’t know what to say to Marc right now, this conversation hasn’t gone as I wanted it to at all, I haven’t really been able to make him understand, and I don’t see how I can do it now. He has knocked me off my kilter, so all I can do is walk away and try to process this. I need to make some serious decisions about what I’m going to do next.
* * *
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
I rush to the front door, wondering who the hell is going to be visiting me at this late hour. No one ever comes to my place aside from the post man and he doesn’t turn up after I have put Travis to bed. My instinct wants me to ignore the sound, but I have a feeling that since the person is still knocking, he or she isn’t going anywhere.
“Oh, God.” It’s Marc. Why didn’t I guess that it was going to be him? “What do you want? Don’t you think we said everything that we needed to say earlier on?”
“We didn’t really say anything,” he confirms, and I have to admit that he’s right. Nothing was really sad; we just yelled a lot. “It just turned in to a bit of a slanging match. Now that we have calmed down, I thought that it might be better if you and I have a proper talk.”
I don’t want that, I really don’t want that, I don’t feel like I have anything to say to Marc right now, not when I haven’t decided what way I’m going to go, but admittedly I do feel a little calmer than I did before, so I suppose he’s probably right.
“Okay fine.” I step back to invite him inside. “Come in. We can have a talk.”
He heads straight for my kitchen and I follow him before we both take the seats at my little dining table. This table is fine for Travis and myself, but it feels a bit close for comfort with Marc, I can almost feel him touching me even though he definitely isn’t.
“I don’t know where to start,” I admit. “I don’t really know what you want me to say. I don’t know how I’m supposed to be happy about this when there was no warning. You must have seen that this would be hard for me to accept. Even if you don’t really know me, you must understand that I would find this a challenge when I’m so desperately trying to do everything for myself.”
“I get that, I understand, I really do.” He nods and half smiles looking very guilty. “I wasn’t thinking about how you would take it when I did it, to be honest. I just didn’t like the idea of Travis being out of school for such a silly reason. And I know money isn’t a silly reason to you, but as an outsider, I don’t
think finances should affect the child’s education. I would love it if we didn’t live in that world.”
This knocks me sideways. Everything that I thought I might say goes out the window again. He seems to have a talent for doing that. For changing my mind like that. It makes it very hard to keep my head straight.
“Yes, it definitely isn’t ideal,” I reply quietly. “It doesn’t seem to think of parents like me who are on their own and struggling...”
“Well, I wanted to talk to you about that as well.” He leans closer to me, and I can feel my nerves spiking. I’m terrified of what he’s going to say. “My father raised me alone. My mother died when I was only nine, so it was just the pair of us, a bit like it’s you and Travis. We struggled; we didn’t have a lot. I might have a lot now, but I worked for that ever since I was an adult. I didn’t have that when I was young. So, I’m sorry that it seems like I was treating you like a charity case by paying off the school. That wasn’t my idea at all. I just wish that someone could have done the same for us when I was younger, to save my father from struggling... well, that’s where my head was at anyway.”
Wow, now he’s making me think about Travis’s point of view. I’ve considered him when it comes to the education part of things, but not when it comes to him looking at me. He must see me struggling, however much I tried to hide it, and even if he is only six and unable to fully understand his emotions, he must have similar feelings to Marc.
As a young boy, he saw his father struggle, he wished that things could be different for the pair of them, and my son must feel the same.
“I... wow...” I’m a bit blown away. “I didn’t realize that. I’m sorry I went off with you quite as bad as I did...”
My cheeks heat up, I’m humiliated now but for a different reason. Because I have acted out like crazy. Because I have thrown the gift back in his face when he was only trying to be a good person. I really am an idiot.
“You know what? My father was probably the same way. Looking at it from your perspective, he probably would have acted in the same manner. He wouldn’t have liked it either. I’m sure he would have done a lot of shouting as well.”
Finally, we can see one another, we can understand each other at last. I still don’t know if I’m fully on board with this plan, but I can see why he did it, and I think he can see why I’m so crazy as well.
But where do we go from here? What do I say next? Does this mean that we’re actually sort of friends now? I have no clue. I don’t know how he really feels about me and I’m sure how I think about him either. It’s hard to even see him after the sex dream I had about the other night, never mind in the middle of all of this. My feelings are all mixed up, I don’t know if I’ve ever been so confused, what the hell is wrong with me?
7
Marc
December 21st
She is softening at last; I can see her sort of starting to come around to me. Explaining why I took the action I did has helped, now she can see I wasn’t just seeing her as a charity case, and I wanted to help her for a good reason.
“I am sorry if I upset you,” I say once more, trying to drive the point home. “That wasn’t ever my intention.”
“Yeah well...” She folds her arms tightly across her chest as if she’s trying to create a barrier between us. “I probably wasn’t great either so I’m sorry about that as well. Would you... I don’t know, would you like a drink or something? I don’t have anything alcoholic, but I can make a cup of coffee or something...”
“Coffee sounds perfect to me.”
As she smiles at me, I feel my heart skip a beat. She really is so beautiful, so stunning, and sweet as well. She obviously has her barriers up high; I can understand that, but I’m hoping that they will come crashing down soon. Every little bit of her she eventually shows to me, I like more and more.
“I will get that sorted now.” She turns away from me and flicks on her coffee machine. “I take it you have sugar?”
“Hmm?” I don’t know what she’s saying, I don’t normally have sugar in coffee, but she seems to think I do for some reason...
“You remember you came around the other day to get some sugar?” Aisha gives me a strange look. “I gave you the bag and you put another one back. You said you need caffeine, and you have sugar with it...”
“Oh, of course.” I shake my head and curse myself. “I do have sugar yes, just the one.”
I can handle one sugar, just to keep up the impression that I wasn’t coming around to check on her the other day. Although I’m glad that I did because otherwise I never would have found out about Travis and the whole school situation. I’m still really happy I did that, even if she was mad, I would have been happy if it got that poor boy back in school.
“So, is your father still around?” she asks me idly while she makes the drinks. “Does he live around here?”
“He moved to England a few years back. He left with his new wife and has a family of his own now.”
“You don’t mind?” she asks me in surprise. “It doesn’t upset you that he’s half way around the world?”
“Nah, no way... He’s happy there and that’s all that matters to me.”
“And you are happy here?” She doesn’t really turn to look at me. “Sorry if I’m stepping on toes that I shouldn’t be right now. I don’t mean to interfere, I’m just wondering...”
“No, not at all. I’m very happy here. I love this house; I love living in my family home and remembering the good times we had here...” I hope that explains why I’m still here because she might be confused just like my father is. “I really like my work; I just like my life here...”
“And you aren’t lonely?” She turns around and hands me my drink. “Being alone all by yourself?”
I can’t help but wonder if this question is more about her than me because she is clearly lonely. I have thought that for a while. Still, it does make me examine myself a little.
“Perhaps I am a little.” I shrug my shoulders and smile thinly. “I don’t know, I’m usually too busy to notice that.”
“Hmm, yep, I know what you mean.” She nods slowly and thoughtfully. I can almost see the cogs ticking around in her brain. God, I would so love to get inside that brain to see what’s going on. “I can get that way a bit myself. I take it you don’t have a girlfriend to keep you company since you continually insist on asking me on a date.”
The way that she laughs at this and treats it as a joke is actually a nice thing. It shows that it’s not going to create a chasm of awkwardness between us.
“No, no girlfriend for me. I haven’t had what I would class as a girlfriend in a very long time.”
“Just short-term things, huh?” Aisha cocks a knowing eyebrow at me. “That is the very reason why I have to keep turning you down.”
I can’t believe this. I’m actually shocked that she is making a joke of things. This humor is a side to her that I definitely haven’t seen before, but I like it a lot. She’s cheeky, which is a whole lot of fun. I wonder how much of this I will see.
“I just haven’t met the right woman to settle down with, that’s all.”
“Oh, yeah?” She stares at me curiously. “So, you haven’t ever felt like you might be wanting to commit to someone? You haven’t ever been in love?”
I’m not going to lie about this, it’s a part of my history, and since we are sharing that in a very unexpected turn of events, I want to open up.
“I was engaged at one point, when I was in college, to a woman named Chloe.” I let out a little laugh to show how much this doesn’t bother me anymore. “I thought she was going to be the one, but I was one of two...”
“Oh my God, she cheated on you?” Aisha looks horrified. “I can’t believe that I really don’t like cheating. I don’t see the need. I think you can just break up with someone if you don’t want to be with them, can’t you? There’s no point in breaking hearts that awfully.”
I like her attitude; it matches mine perfectl
y. Obviously, I don’t like cheating, I think it’s heart wrenching and unnecessary. I wonder if her opinion has come from a similar story...
“How about you?” I ask her. “Have you ever been in love?”
“I definitely thought that I was in love, which is how Travis was created.” Oh my God, she’s so adorable. “I was young though, obviously, because I’m only twenty-four now. So, I guess I was stupid and foolish because of my age.” She lets out a deep sigh. “I wasn’t cheated on like you were, but as soon as I found out that I was having a baby, and after I had already had a lot of trouble with my parents about it, Ronnie immediately made it very obvious that he didn’t love me and that a baby definitely wasn’t in his future.”
Oh wow, so she really was on her own. No wonder she’s lonely.
“That is just awful. How can any guy do that? However young you are a child is half your responsibility. And he hasn’t been in touch since? He hasn’t grown up a bit and decided that he regrets pushing you and Travis out of the picture?”
“Admittedly, he doesn’t know where I am,” she shocks me by telling this. “But I know for sure that he wouldn’t be interested anyway. Getting away from him allowed me to finally see that he was an idiot. Not father material at all.”
I guess that’s something she must be able to see now that she’s a mother. It must be one of those inherent natural instinct things. I am starting to understand Aisha a bit more now. I can see why she is so closed off because it seems to me like not only she has had problems with Travis’s father, but her own parents as well. Perhaps because she got pregnant young, her parents rejected her, and then she lost out on her boyfriend as well, leaving her completely alone. If she has done everything by herself up until this point, no wonder she was upset by what I had done.
