by Dean Atta
Yet for two years this hot gay man
Has lived in the apartment above her
So I guess this guy knows how to
Keep his business undercover
But then came me and my poetry
Shamelessly, I expose late-night iniquity
While my friend slept, up the stairs
I crept to meet this man of mystery
If you’d asked before, I’d’ve said for sure
My days of sleeping around were history
But as he opened his apartment door, what I saw
In his wise eyes made me feel differently
How did I feel such heat for a complete stranger?
At 2 a.m. we meet, discreetly, and I feel no danger
We were smoking a spliff and listening to Radiohead
Next thing we were kissing and I was giving him ____
We had instant rapport, I felt so relaxed
There’s nothing I’d change if I could go back
And when he said he was coming to London
Clapham to be precise, my first thought was
To déjà vu this rendezvous would be nice
To walk on pavements cars don’t fall through
To speak loud and public with body language
But then I thought of why I had done this
And what I wanted to achieve. I had nothing
More to give and nothing I wanted to receive
From this ancient city where new technology
Found a tender moment in close proximity
Because now this night is eternal like Rome
And in this poem I can take Leonardo home.
How Did We
It started, as these things do, with a kiss
And we saw it as just some harmless fun
And though in the moment it feels like bliss
We feel so awkward when the deed is done
As soon as I come I’m ready to go
As soon as I leave I want to return
You’re my kryptonite; I just can’t say no
You’re that lesson I never seem to learn
Every exit is a revolving door
Every question is answered with a kiss
Every warning sign I choose to ignore
Cos if you’re so wrong why did I write this?
Why when you’re near can I not think clear
I keep asking myself how did we get here?
Matters of the Heart
Clutched our phones tightly
When we could not hold on
To each other
We burned minutes
To make up for the distance
We gazed into space
Between letters
Carefully crafted
Text messages
Misunderstood attempts
To mind the gap between
What was heard and said
Written and read
Consonants and vowels
Words and sounds
Don’t touch me the way I need you to
I can paint pretty pictures
With poetry
But words are not enough
When it comes to matters
Of the heart.
Fragmented
When I wake in the morning
To the warmth of your skin
I know I need you
At least I want to need you
Don’t say that you love me
I can’t bear to deceive you
A fragmented heart inside
To fix it – many have tried
To tear my chest open
Ran and left it broken
I am remade of superglue
That is why I stick to you.
Quit Me
If you gave yourself a deadline
To quit, it wouldn’t make it any
Easier for you. So you should
Just cut me off right now or else
You’ll abuse your dependence
On me until the very last day of
Your futile countdown. Your
Lips will miss me softly pressed
Against them. Your body will
Yearn for me to course my way
Inside you. You’ll reach out for
Me and then someone will
Remind you that you said that
You don’t want me, in fact you
Resent me, and then your whole
Day will seem pointless and
Empty. Without me, as your fix
In the morning, at lunch, after
Work and for comfort and
Counsel last thing at night
You say I help you to relax; I
Ease your mind. You open up
With me because I put a
Welcome haze over reality
Albeit momentarily, I help you
To cope with this so-called life
Where you’re misunderstood
And things go bad when all you
Try to do is good. I know you
Over-exaggerate and I indulge
You and that’s the worst thing
That I can possibly do. And
When you cannot have me
You’ll take it out on your
Friends and family. You’ll
Break down when you see
Another with me. I wasn’t
Trying to trap you in this
Habitual cycle I just came to
Offer you relief and now you
Think I’m your only hope of
Happiness. And I’m the only
One you turn to in times of
Stress and grief. Your life was
Rich and full before me and it
Can be again. You’re stronger
Than this, you can do it now if
You done did it then. Because
The good I do for you is not
Good enough, if I daily infect
You and cause you pain. See
You’ve been warned against me
You’ve heard the stories – but
You take this risk because you
Think I’m worth it. You think
That you’re informed and you
Truly know me. But if you only
Knew how much I could hurt
You, you’d think twice before
You reached out for me.
Tunnel Vision
Forget lights, tunnels, silver linings
I want time travel and you
They say there’s a better man for me
And I’ll find him
But I don’t want someone new
Forget my tears and forget yours
Forget my fears and closing train doors
Forget hotel rooms
And gone too soons
Been so longs
Poems and love songs
Forget all my words
Yes even this verse
And meet me again
And kiss me
Like the first time
I can’t see light at the end of this tunnel
If you stand there with him.
Enough
The world is not enough
The sun, the moon, the stars
You said time is all it takes
You said the universe was ours
Tonight is not enough
I want you yesterday and tomorrow
Yet one of those is impossible
And that’s my greatest sorrow
The truth is not enough
When liars reign supreme
When hearts have bled out
Children don’t dare to dream
Dreams are not enough
To fill the void in my soul
The beat beneath my breast
Collapsed into a black hole
The world is not enough
The sun, the moon, the stars
You devour hearts and dreams
You said the universe was ours.
Ghostwriter
I’m feeling you
Way more than you would want me to
Do anything you want me to
Ask me, I’d wear bombs for you
This is more than vulnerable
It’s volatile
Uncomfortable
This situation the negation
Of Independence Day
Fireworks in the sky
Not the 4th of July
But the 5th of November
I am a Guy Fawkes effigy
It burns me to remember, remember
Our dates in September
October
November
December
Your cold heart froze my petals
Unable to bloom, frostbitten
I cling to you
I should let go
And be glad for what we had
For the memories of you
Feeling me, feeling you
Misleading and deceiving you
Is what I do when I smile
It hurts me too much to describe
I have died
I am a ghost to you
What am I supposed to do?
Write for you?
Fight for you?
I’m a headless horseman
Riding into the night for you
Holding out a torch of black light for you
See me not
I do not want you to
Fear me not
I am no harm to you
Hear me not
These words are not for you
These words are not for you.
Missing Persons
You evade the page
Not a room I can lock nor a door I can close
Empty doorframe, missing windowpane
In between lines, beyond margins
Parts of a story one might skip
Look past, not notice
Something remains
Unsaid.
Severance
The boy I let go
Dropped
Broke off
Up some break
I break down
Amputee me
These stumps
Cannot stretch
Round a thousand plus yesterdays
My interest in
This time past
Does not make up for my absence
I could’ve been there
Were it not for pride
Mine and yours
But mostly mine
I am not the man you knew
When you knew me
I was bleeding
So many red hands
None of them the real culprit
I was the one
Doing the lashing
Whipping myself
With my past
Cutting myself
Off
From my present
By hacking
Hacking at
Whatever wouldn’t
Fit
Down a narrow path
I saw for my future
Self-inflicted
Severance
From parts
Of my self
Now stumps
Of memory
A right hand
My best foot
That went forward
And re-rooted themselves
Appearing to forget
the violence
of our separation
You say I’m gentle
You say my words are gentle
Losing limbs
Is a painful thing
With my tongue
I lick my wounds.
Second Hand
It was not because I wanted time
To rewind, stand still or speed up
It was not because I hoped it would
Bring forgiveness or take away hurt
It was not because I had dreamed
About this for many months now
It was not because we were alone
It was not because I had the perfect
Opportunity, the perfect evening
And the perfect image of myself
Reflected in your too familiar eyes
It was not because your eyes still
Looked so somber after all those years
Not because your stories still
Evoked sympathy after all those years
Not because I felt guilty still
And responsible after all those years
It was not because I was a man then
And you were in your teenage years
I was not concerned about how we
Remembered, sounded or appeared
It was because it felt right, so right
And yet filled me with insecurities
I’d not felt since my teenage years
I had not feared kissing another man
Privately, in well over eight years
It was not because I felt any shame
It was not because I felt any blame
No more than I had when I saw you before
A year ago when you accepted my apology
We had put it all behind us
It was not what was behind us
It was what was in front of me
It was the most beautiful man
It was the most beautiful man
I had ever seen, in front of me
You are still the most beautiful
Man I have ever seen
You are still my one regret
But you were not the loss to me
And you were not all lost to me
You were there, in bed with me
But I was too afraid to kiss you
It was not because I wanted time
To rewind, stand still or speed up
But because I wanted the hands
Of time to hold me. Hold me like
I should have held onto you then
Hold me and carry me forward
Because there is no going back
My arms, like the clock I watch
As they reach out and they wait
For a second hand to catch them up
But the second hand will never stop
Be it ahead or just behind,
Always at the right time.
Lost in Time
Lost in time is Woolworths
Live & Kicking, SMTV Live
Nokia 3210s and Snake
Lost in time are my tap shoes
And singing lessons with Ray
Lost in time is the bouncy castle
At my birthday party, aged six
Lost in time are my milk teeth
The Tooth Fairy, Father Christmas
The Easter Bunny
And Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles
Lost in time are Opal Fruits
And Marathon bars
Lost in time are my first pair
Of Clarks shoes, my youth
The truth
Lost in time is an excuse
Lost in time is regret
Memory, heartache, skin
Lost in time is her waistline
His mind, her confidence, his money
Lost in time are my grandmother’s dreams
My father’s ambitions and my cousin’s name
Lost in time is that incident on the Southbank
After which we were never the same
Lost in time is the opportunity
To make it up to you
The healing my mother advised us to do
The mutual friends
To plait together our loose ends
Lost in time are my dreadlocks
My university days, philosophy essays
One-pound pints
One-night stands
Tripping on magic mushrooms
And free raves in the woods
Lost in time is calling Brighton home
Lost in time is my grandparents’
House in Harlesden
Lost in time is being afraid
To visit family in Jamaica
Lost in time is my gaydar.com profile
Adam4adam, gayromeo and blackgaychat
Lost in time are nights spent
In Heaven and Bootylicious
Lost in time is meeting you
At Lyric Hammersmith
And watching you perform
At Hampstead Theatre
The performance I didn’t do
At Theatre Royal Stratford East
Because I couldn’t go on stage and pretend
Lost in time is performing
Other people’s words on stage
My fear of a blank page
And my phase of prolific writing
Lost in time is the new and exciting
Discovery of another man’s body
Lost in time is running
My fingers through your hair
Lost in time is virginity
The perfect moment
Silence, patience, innocence
Lost in time is the evening
You introduced me to your family
Lost in time is your father’s respect for me
Lost in time is me giving you
Travel money to come see me
Lost in time is your love for me
Lost in time is the man
Who feels worthy of your love
Lost in time are your hands in mine
Heart beating double time at your touch
Lost in time is when I was ill
And you sat by my bedside
Lost in time is when you cycled to my house
To hand-deliver me a poem
And even though I was home
You simply posted it through the letterbox
You didn’t knock
Lost in time is wondering why
These tears I cry
Denying my flaws
Obsessing over past mistakes
Crippling doubt and depression
Lost in time is worrying
About being a gay Christian
And any doubt
That ‘God Is Good – All The Time!’
Lost in time is worrying
About being predictable
Lost in time is worrying
About repeating myself
Lost in time is Woolworths
Live & Kicking, SMTV Live
Nokia 3210s and Snake.
Poems
I send envelopes of hope
Addressed to our tomorrow
I don’t want to write poems
I want to scribble appreciative notes
On whatever I can find
Wish-you-were-here rectangles
When you’re not by my side
We-need-this lists
Of things for you to buy
Love letters, emails and texts
Words you will never forget
‘Good morning’
On a steamy bathroom mirror
Birthday cards
