by Edward Albee
BOY
(Impatient) Come on, mister!
WOMAN
(To BOY) Listen to him.
MAN
(To BOY) Was your fracture compound? Did it stick out through the skin—like snapped wood?
GIRL
(To BOY; shy) Did it?
BOY
No!
MAN
If it didn’t, who are you? Who have you ever been? (To GIRL) Was it a caesarean for the baby? A theoretical caesarean for the theoretical baby?
BOY
Theor …
GIRL
No! No wound!
MAN
(To them both) Blood? Piercings? Gougings? Wounds, children; wounds. Without wounds what are you? You’re too young for the batterings time brings us …
WOMAN
(Dramatic) Oh, God! The batterings!
MAN
(To WOMAN) … time brings us.
WOMAN
Sorry! … time brings us. (An aside) Oh, God?
MAN
One is enough. (To BOY) Give me your arm; let me see your wound.
BOY
(Self-protective) Hah! You think I’ll fall for that!?
MAN
Oh, I wouldn’t break your arm; I don’t want you on your knees—not literally. Ever? No, I don’t think so. Break your arm? Nahhhh! Your heart, perhaps. Your heart, yes. Certainly your heart.
WOMAN
(Pleased) Oh, the heart!
MAN
Give me your heart, then; I’ll break that. If you don’t have the wound of a broken heart, how can you know you’re alive? If you have no broken heart, how do you know who you are? Have been? Can ever be?
GIRL
(To MAN and WOMAN; crying a little) Leave us alone? Please, let me have my baby?
MAN
(Sighs) We’re going to have to talk about this. (Beginning of lecture) What is a baby? (Out) What is a baby? (In and out, now) We must, first of all, define a baby. A baby … what!? A baby mouse? A baby kangaroo? A baby wolverine? A baby … baby. A human baby, an almost, not quite yet human baby—no larger than, well, somewhat larger than that “great divide.” (To BOY) Hey? Between the something slopes, or something?
BOY
(Curt) What?
MAN
Nothing. (In and out again) You can’t go home again? Surely not! They say we want to go back in—back home—some of us, at any rate. Try it! A minute after out-you-slide—or whatever—it’s all closing up, closing down, till the next time. Push you back in—head first, whatever? Wouldn’t work! The water’s gone now; you’ve been shocked into breathing … what? Nothing you can see, could see if you had eyes—eyes that opened. (Bravura quote) “Oh, blessed eyes that never ope!” (Natural again) “Ope”; I’ve always liked “ope.”
WOMAN
(Matter-of-fact) You’re running on.
MAN
Yes? I am?
WOMAN
“What is a baby?” Then relate that to where we are—to this.
MAN
Aha!
GIRL
(Quiet) Please? My baby?
MAN
(Hearty) Now, look; if there is a baby, and if it is yours, and you can prove it’s yours, we’ll handle it.
BOY
(Ominously quiet) If? Who are you? Who are you, really?
GIRL
Yes; who are you?
MAN
(To BOY) I am your destination. Remember? Is that familiar?
(To WOMAN) Now you.
WOMAN
(Tiny orienting pause; to GIRL) Yes. Yes, I go in the back with you, and I am your destination.
MAN
(To BOY) We do things together, you and I, that no one else has done.
WOMAN
(To GIRL) You love me; we are each other’s … whatever.
GIRL
(Intense; to BOY) None of this is true!
MAN
(To BOY) The first time you touched me … (Indicates) there, I almost fainted. It was so … unexpected, I suppose.
BOY
(Cold) You fuck!
MAN
(Considers) Well … yes.
WOMAN
(To GIRL; dreamy) We lay there, you and I, true spoons, the two of us, mouths on each other …
GIRL
(Voice shaking) No! No!
MAN
(To BOY) We are each other’s destination. No? Yes?
WOMAN
(To GIRL) No? We are not?
MAN
(To both BOY and GIRL) Or are we Gypsies? Hm?
GIRL
(To BOY; hysterical) They’re Gypsies!!
BOY
(Eyes on MAN; steely, to comfort) No; no, they’re not.
MAN
(Pretending bewilderment) We’re not!?
BOY
No!
MAN
(Of WOMAN) You don’t recognize her fedora and her huge mustache?
WOMAN
(To GIRL) You came to me; you brought your life savings in a paper bag.
GIRL
No! I don’t have any life savings!
BOY
(Pleading; explaining) We’re very young.
MAN
And therefore you don’t have Gypsies? (To GIRL) She had a Gypsy.
WOMAN
(To GIRL) Yes, you went to one. (Uncertain) Was it me? Was it to me?
BOY
But it wasn’t for that.
MAN
For what?
GIRL
For … life savings, and all.
MAN
Well, I should hope not. How dumb can you be?!
WOMAN
(To MAN, about GIRL) That’s for later, when you get dumb, life-savings-time dumb.
MAN
(Sighs) Time; time, the great leveler. (To BOY; sweet) Tell me about you; tell us your history. (Whispered aside; out) Exposition.
BOY
(Confused) Who? Me?
MAN
(Back in) Whatever. You can tell us your history, or she can tell us your history, and you can tell us hers, and we won’t know what to disbelieve.
BOY
(A recitation; quiet rage) I’m a twenty-three-year-old white, Anglo-Saxon American man …
MAN
That’s a redundancy. All Anglo-Saxons are white.
BOY
Yes? A twenty-three-year-old Anglo-Saxon American man.
MAN
Boy.
BOY
Boy—yes?—boy, and I’m married to her, the light of my life.
WOMAN
Your destination.
BOY
(Confused) What?
WOMAN
(Cheerful) Your destination! Don’t you remember?
MAN
(To BOY) I thought it was you and me: that time you touched me … (Gestures) here, and put your lips to my …
BOY
(Loud enough to cover) THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE!
MAN/WOMAN
(As if on cue) Roll me over, in the clover,
Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again.
MAN
(To BOY and GIRL) Familiar? No?
BOY
(Shaking his head) What more do you want? When will you …
MAN
(Expansive) Ohhhhh, much more.
GIRL
(Sudden) I want my baby!
WOMAN
(Groucho) Everybody wants his baby—her baby—whatever.
MAN
(To BOY) Tell us more; tell us what we want to know, and then tell us what we don’t. I’d like to know, for example, why you took up with this young woman, when you obviously despise her.
BOY
(Rage; frustration) I love her; I love her with all my heart!
WOMAN
(To MAN; false support of BOY) He loves her; she loves him.
MAN
(To WOMAN) Well, that may be—that she loves him. (To BOY) You love her?
BOY
; YES!!
MAN
Tisk, tisk, tisk! Then, what shall I think of the letter you sent me when we were apart …
BOY
We were never together!
MAN
… when we were apart, saying it was all for show, that her family has money, you can’t stand the smell of her, the things she makes you do, and …
BOY
(Making to lunge) You motherfucking …!!
MAN
(Warning hand up instantly) Hanh!! The baby? Remember the baby?
BOY
(Subsiding) You …
MAN
Yes: me. I am the one, am I not? Am I not the gypsy you love, on your knees before me? Do you not aspire to my huge mustache, to my fedora?
BOY
(Heavy sigh) I don’t know you, mister.
MAN
(Out) They all say that.
WOMAN
(Attorney; to GIRL) Did you not fake pregnancy to … to get him for yourself?
GIRL
No! No! I didn’t! We married and then I got pregnant!
WOMAN
(Out) They all say that.
BOY
(Quietly) She was a virgin.
MAN
(Tiny pause; to BOY) When?
BOY
When I married her; when I met her.
MAN
Which came first?
BOY
(Bewildered) What?!
WOMAN
(Helping) He means: Did you marry her and then meet her, or …
BOY
NO!
MAN
No, you did not marry her before you met her, or you did not meet her before you married her?
BOY
(Hands to ears) Stop it!
GIRL
(To BOY; very shy) Did you write him a letter?
BOY
(Exploding) I don’t know the man!!
MAN
(To GIRL; soothing) A fan letter; fans often write to those they’ve never met. Hope; hope!
WOMAN
(Echo) Hope.
GIRL
(To BOY; determined) Did you?!
BOY
(To GIRL; pleading) Of course not! I love you.
MAN
(To BOY; explaining) I was one of the Gypsy boys who stopped you on your way back from the gym-gym.
WOMAN
(Nods happily) And I was another.
MAN
I was the one who stopped in front of you, the one who spoke to you …
WOMAN
(As if quoting) You’re the one who put the guard dogs on us, aren’t you.
BOY
(Memory; rote) Guards, not guard dogs.
GIRL
(Shakes her head; memory) Not a wise answer.
WOMAN
You guys could have paid, you said.
GIRL
Nor that.
BOY
(Dreamy) I did?
MAN
Yes, you did, and no hard feelings, you said.
BOY
(Ibid) I did?
WOMAN
Yes; yes, you did.
BOY
(Recalling, still dreamy) And I put my arm out …
WOMAN
… and you put your arm out …
MAN
… and you put your arm out … and CRACK!!!
WOMAN
Crack!
GIRL
Crack!
BOY
It hurt so; it hurt so very much.
(GIRL takes his shoulder to comfort him; he swivels to his knees beside her chair.)
MAN
And I came up to you …
WOMAN
… and I came up to you, and I undid my fly and (A trifle uncertain) what was I going to do?
BOY
I don’t know. You’re going to piss on me?
MAN
Or maybe it was me, and you know what I wanted, what you wanted.
WOMAN
(Echo) What you wanted.
BOY
Or maybe … or maybe …
GIRL
(Offers her breast to BOY) Here; here.
BOY
Maybe he wasn’t going to piss on me. Maybe he was going to …
GIRL
Here!! (BOY takes her breast in his mouth; brief tableau)
WOMAN
(Unemphasized fact) That is so … touching.
MAN
Yes; yes, it is.
MAN/WOMAN
Roll me over, in the clover,
Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again.
WOMAN
That is so … touching.
MAN
Yes; yes, it is. (Brief pause; slaps hands together) O.K.! Back to work!
(Boy disattaches himself; Girl replaces breast)
WOMAN
(To BOY) Why did you never do that to me? I know you wanted to.
BOY
Pardon? (Wiping lips)
WOMAN
I was eighteen, wasn’t I, and moving into ripeness? And I had been to Europe and I knew the women there went without bras if their breasts were exemplary and if they were young, and I had my lovely breasts? (Cups them for him) Lovely? Breasts? (Tiny pause) Nothing?
BOY
(A quick look to see how GIRL is reacting) Lady, I …
WOMAN
Didn’t you want to suck them? Everyone else did … wanted to.
MAN
Of course he did.
WOMAN
(To BOY) Of course you did; of course you wanted to. You said you would paint me; you said you were a painter.
BOY
Lady …
WOMAN
You said you would paint me … naked, my lovely breasts, the dimple of my belly, my milk-pink hips, my burning bush?
(GIRL begins to weep)
MAN
(Scoffing) Milk-pink?
WOMAN
(A trifle defensive) Well … yes. (To BOY) You were only one of my lovers, of course, one of the sturdy, virile boys, the young and handsome, well-muscled …
GIRL
(To BOY; rage and tears) You know her!!
BOY
(Trying to comfort her; dogmatic) No! No, I don’t know her!
MAN
(To no one) Oh what a wangled teb we weave.
WOMAN
A what?
MAN
A teb; a wangled teb.
WOMAN
What is that?
MAN
You remember. He was only one of your lovers, no?
WOMAN
Hm? Oh! Oh; right. (To BOY) You were a splendid lover, though … slow, patient, thoughtful, but always in command, and driving …
GIRL
(To BOY; still weeping) You know her!
BOY
(Pounding his fists on his knees) I do not! I do not know her!
MAN
(To WOMAN, but so GIRL will hear) When was all this? When were you two lovers?
WOMAN
(With a toss of her hand) Oh … last year, last month, last week, on his way to seeing her at the hospital, on his way from seeing her at the hospital—her and the baby. Earlier today.
MAN
The so-called baby.
WOMAN
(Smiles) The so-called baby.
BOY
(Quiet intensity; almost crying) I don’t know you! I’ve never been with anyone but her.
MAN
(To WOMAN) Tell me about his penis; compare notes, so to speak. Show her you know the man through his manhood.
BOY
(Flustered rage) She’s never seen my penis!
WOMAN
(About to begin) Well, all right now, let me see: I’ve seen penie in my life, and on a scale of one to ten—ten being very unlikely—I would say that he was a … oh, a …
GIRL
(Exuberant in her invention) He doesn’t have one! She couldn’t have seen it because he doesn’t have one! So there!!
BOY
(GIRL nudges him) Right! She’s right! So there!
GIRL
So there!! (Giggles)
MAN
(Out) They are so inventive, these two. (Back in; to BOY and GIRL) In the sense that the Queen of Spain does not have legs?
BOY
(Cold) What?
MAN
(Out; pleasant) It is said that once, centuries ago, an envoy from the East came to the Spanish court—with gifts, of course, gifts for the royal family, including fine-spun silk, a novelty back then. “For her Majesty,” the envoy said, in his—well, his silkiest tone. (WOMAN chuckles appreciatively) Thank you. “For her Majesty, silk for her Majesty’s legs.” The major domo—or whatever he was—their Majesty’s major-domo, sniffed, the story goes, raised his eyebrows at the effrontery, the familiarity, and said, in his haughtiest tone, “The Queen of Spain does not have … legs.” (Back in; to BOY and GIRL) Is that the sense you mean, that your young man does not have a penis in the sense that the Queen of Spain does not have legs? Or are we dealing here with a bewildering and somber deformity, one which puts into even greater question the matter of a baby?
WOMAN
(Rather puzzled) That’s something you’d think I would have noticed—or not noticed, rather.
BOY
(Pause) Go fuck yourselves.
MAN
Right on! (He and WOMAN slap each other’s right palms. GIRL tries to sneak off, with an “it’s O.K.” gesture to BOY. MAN notices; a warning) I wouldn’t do that!!! (GIRL hesitates) Leave the so-called baby be! If you have a baby—
BOY
I told you, we have a baby.
GIRL
Yes, we have a baby.
MAN
… if there is a baby, who is to say it has ever been yours? Who is to say you have a right to it? Or that you didn’t steal it? Gypsies do steal things.
WOMAN
Yes; yes, they do.
MAN
(To GIRL; very harsh) So … SIDDDOWN!!
GIRL
(Sitting; weeping quietly) We are not Gypsies.
BOY
(“Will this help?”) No; no, we’re not.
WOMAN
Well … someone is.
MAN
(Seemingly puzzled) Yes; yes, that’s right … someone is, must be. (To GIRL; steely) If you can prove it is yours—belongs to you … you did not steal it, as Gypsies do … belongs to you …
WOMAN
(Helping) … and belongs with you …
MAN
(To WOMAN) Yes; right; thank you.
WOMAN
Welcome.
GIRL
I told you …
BOY
She told you …
MAN
(To GIRL again) … belongs to you, and belongs with you, then your interest in seeing it ever transcends your need to see it now. (Pause) No?
GIRL
(Still quietly weeping) Yes; yes, it does.
MAN
Good girl; you’ll go far—to paraphrase.
BOY
I’ll ask you one more time, mister, and only once more, who do you …
