Chapter 9
Busted. I was busted.
The next morning when I opened the front door, I ran into Will Stenfield camped out on the porch, and he wouldn’t leave until I talked to him. I guess I could have slammed the door and not come out, or tried to run out the back, but…he was right, in a John Cusack, Say Anything sort of way. I had to deal with him sometime.
“Hi,” he said tentatively, waving a sack of sweet-smelling custard-filled chocolate donuts like a peace offering.
“Hi,” I replied, not really sure how to feel about anything at this point, but I decided I was not about to pass up a mouthful of Bavarian crème.
“Figured since you weren’t returning my calls, I’d need something to get me in the door.”
“Well, since you’re here, you might as well come all the way in,” I told him, motioning from the foyer.
“Where’s the rest of the gang?”
“Hell if I know.” I went to the fridge. “Milk? Amber only buys the nonfat crap.”
“That’s okay.” He whisked out a couple cartons from the bag he was carrying. “I know how you like whole milk, so I brought some.”
“Humph,” I said skeptically. “I don’t know if that screams stalker or sweet.” But inside, I was getting all gooey again, like the donut. I shook it off. “Let’s go sit outside on the patio.”
Will followed me and Spanky followed him, sniffing.
Amber and Elle had the best backyard. An awning-covered patio with a glass table that seated six comfortably, eight in a pinch, and a black-bottomed swimming pool with an attached hot tub that spilled water over the beveled edge in sheeted columns at just the right height to dip your head under – oh, and at least four chaise lounges for sunning, which I had yet to use. The sound of the water soothed me, and we sat in silence as we ate. The not speaking was kind of nice, until it got awkward.
“So, are we going to talk about it?” Will asked.
“Talk about what?” I replied, dreading the answer. He was going for the RDT, the Relationship Defining Talk, and I had no idea what I was going to tell him.
Sitting there staring at me, all muscly and stuff.
“Fine. Let’s talk about it,” I finally said.
“I said I loved you.”
“I heard you.”
“So, how do you feel about me?”
“God, Will. I don’t know!” I sat back, exasperated.
“Ouch.”
“Give me a minute. I’m not good at this stuff.” Now where had I heard that before? “And why is I don’t know so bad? It just means I don’t know.”
“Okay. Pretend you’re talking to someone else. Pretend I’m just a sounding board.”
“A sounding board. What is a sounding board anyway? Who ever saw one? Is that from when they used to make violins by hand or something?”
“They still make violins by hand, Ash. Pretend I’m an objective third party, who doesn’t have anything at stake. What would you say to him? If I were Amber, what would you say to her?”
“Well, first she’d ask me, ‘So, Ashlee, how do you feel?’” I said, getting into character. “And I’d say, ‘I don’t know, Amber. I mean, I like him. I care about him.’”
“But…” Will prompted.
“Butt?” I looked over my shoulder at my ass, drawing a strained laugh from Will. I know, in the middle of an RDT, right? Humor as a defense, that’s all. “Not but…” I went on. “And…and, and the part of me that knew you back in high school and loved you then, loves you now.”
Will moved toward me.
“But I’m not that girl anymore. And you can’t try to make me be.”
“So, let me get to know the new Ashlee.”
“The new Ashlee’s a bit more complicated than the old one,” I said as I picked Spanky up and cuddled him to my chest while he licked up the crumbs off the tinted table. I think I figured while I held Spanky, Will couldn’t hold me.
“Of course. We’re both older and wiser. And I like complicated, sometimes.”
“Not this kind of complicated you don’t.”
“How do you know if you don’t give me a chance?”
I sighed. “You have a chance.”
That brightened him up. “So,” he said to me.
“So,” I said right back at him.
“So, you’ve never been what you’d call low maintenance.”
“You must be thinking of Amber, ’cause in comparison…”
“I’m not talking about Amber. I’m talking about you. You’ve got layers, Ash. You’ve always had them. Only before the…” He stuttered off.
“Before the incident.”
“Before the incident, you were willing to talk to me about them.”
“Yeah, well. I’ve got trust issues.”
“We’ve all got trust issues, Ash,” he said. “I keep wondering if it’s me you don’t trust, or if you just don’t trust yourself.”
My ego defenses went up. “What are you, my shrink?” I put Spanky down on the ground and got up to pace. He’s getting too close, a voice in my head started singing. I began walking the edge of the pool, circling it and coming back again.
Will stood and stopped me. “Ashlee. What are you afraid of?” He held my shoulders and bent his knees to look square into my eyes.
Trapped.
“I’d never knowingly do anything to hurt you,” he said.
I shrugged him off and collected the trash from the table. “Yes, well, it’s the unknowingly hurting that I’m worried about.”
“Life is a risk, Ashlee. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.”
“No pain, no gain, right, Will?”
“Not the same. Like I said, I won’t hurt you Ash. At least not intentionally. I love you.”
“I wish I could say the same thing,” I muttered, not sure whether I was talking about loving myself or him.
“Ashlee. Stop it.” He took the bag of garbage from my hands. “Just tell me, whatever you need to say. I can take it.”
My palms began to itch. “God, Will! I’m a bitch. I’m sarcastic, obnoxious, rude and opinionated. I don’t look at the bright side and clouds don’t have a silver lining. I walk into a room full of people and can’t help but wonder what their angles are. That’s why I’m a writer. That way I can put everything that I’m thinking into a palatable form, and when I don’t get it right, I have an editor who does it for me.”
“And…” He put his hands on my shoulders again, and looked me in the eyes.
“You can’t love me!” I pushed him away.
“Why not?” Whipping me back around to face him, his voice rose, not caring if the neighbors heard.
“Because, I don’t even love myself!” I cried and collapsed into his arms.
“Then that’s where we’ll start.” Will held me and rocked me and let me cry it all out.
MoonRise Page 9
