At that thought, Luke walked into the study room, pushing the door open loudly. His face was contorted into a frown, and he greeted Jesse with a lame, “Hello.”
Jesse analyzed Luke’s expression. Luke’s shoulders were stooped and his cheeks were flushed. Jesse returned his greeting, but it was clear that Luke was in no mood for prolonged pleasantries.
Luke sat down and opened his books in front of him. “Did you have a chance to go over my notes?” Luke asked, not looking up at Jesse.
“I-I did, y-yes,” Jesse said. He took a deep breath. “Is everything okay, Luke?”
“I’m fine. Just saw someone I didn’t want to see today. I’ll be better in a minute. Did you have a chance to read through the articles I sent you yet?”
Jesse felt embarrassed. He had been preoccupied with studying for his History test and then meeting Martin, and had forgotten to go through the extra research which Luke had done. He said: “Not yet, sorry. I brought my laptop so I’ll just open them now and I can scan through them. Sorry.”
Luke finally lifted his eyes to look at Jesse. Softness came into his face again, and he said: “Don’t apologize so much, Jesse. It’s okay. I had a busy day too. That’s why we’re doing these study sessions together, so we can get on the same page.” Luke managed a weak smile, and Jesse felt reassured. Jesse wondered what could’ve made Luke so upset. He hadn’t seen Luke that way before. Who was this person that he didn’t want to see? Was it one of the people on the pictures that were hidden away in the drawer in Luke’s flat?
Jesse took his laptop out of his bag and quickly opened the articles that Luke had emailed to him. He made some notes in his notepad as Luke worked on a flow diagram for their presentation. Jesse could only half-focus on the work he was doing. He was worried about Luke. He had thought of Luke as someone who was aloof and flighty, not really taking life seriously at all. Jesse had no idea that Luke could become so upset at seeing someone. It was a side to Luke that Jesse wanted to know more about. Jesse briefly considered that it would be reopening a door that Luke had firmly closed if Jesse asked him about his personal life, but before he could think about it too much, he found himself saying: “Who did you see today?”
Luke stared up at Jesse, surprise on his face. He seemed to hesitate for a second, but then responded: “My sister. We don’t really talk. She’s the one in the picture that you saw in my kitchen drawer.”
Jesse felt a jolt of embarrassment shoot through him, and immediately blurted out, “I’m sorry!” He lowered his eyes to the table, but glimpsed a sly smile break out on Luke’s face. “I didn’t know you saw me looking through the drawer,” Jesse said. “I was just looking for the coffee. I’m really sorry, Luke!”
“Don’t worry about it,” Luke said, his smile growing slightly. He seemed to be taking pleasure in making Jesse squirm. “I’m just messing with you. It’s mean of me. I know you didn’t mean to snoop. We looked really happy in that picture, Stephanie and I, but things have changed since then. It wasn’t fun at all seeing her today.”
Jesse managed to contain his embarrassment and said: “I’m sorry it was such a tough day.” Drat! Apologizing again! In an effort to keep his mouth moving so that Luke wouldn’t notice the over-apologizing, he said: “You looked really happy. Just like in the pictures with that guy.”
Luke’s mouth hung open slightly and his eyes were large. Jesse’s cheeks flushed red and his stomach turned. He was really overstepping his boundaries. “You saw those?” Luke asked. “I never look in that drawer. I forgot they were in there.”
“You must really want to forget about him,” Jesse said, wanting to kick himself for being so bold. Maybe the wine was affecting him more than he thought.
Luke’s face changed. His eyes fell and the familiar darkness, that expression Jesse had seen before Luke rushed out of the room the night they kissed, was back. His blue eyes were no longer warm and inviting, but the cold and distant eyes Jesse had come to fear seeing. Luke finally spoke in a strained voice: “He was my boyfriend. Barend. He died about a year ago in a car crash. We were really happy back then, but I had to move on with my life. You can’t hold on to the past forever. There’s a lot to live for. Right?”
To Jesse, Luke had taken on the demeanor of a young child seeking validation. There was an innocence and confusion in his expression. Jesse wanted to apologize again, but resisted. He wanted to go over and hug Luke, comfort him, but he forced himself to remain seated. Seconds ticked by in silence. Jesse had lost the brazenness that had led to his line of questioning. There was only a hollow silence in the room.
“I shouldn’t have said anything,” Jesse finally murmured. “I was being nosy. You should ignore me when I get like this. I had a glass of wine earlier that’s clearly making me speak too much. I’m really sorry about your loss and I’m sorry for bringing up all of these memories.”
Luke shifted in his chair and looked at Jesse with a weak smile. “That’s okay, Jesse. You didn’t know. Besides, it’s better to live in the moment, right? Appreciate what we have right now. Live like you’re dying. Chase the thrill.” Luke became animated in a way that made Jesse uncomfortable. Jesse wished that he could take the past ten minutes back.
“Which brings me to this…” Luke said, “I’ve been thinking about the presentation, and I think that we should split the time fifty-fifty. Ndlovu is testing us, trying to make sure that we have all of the necessary skills to do well in graduate school. And you need to show him that you can do this presentation. I know you want me to do the whole thing, but I think it would be best if we both do it, together.”
Jesse winced. “Luke, that’s a really bad idea. I’ve done presentations in the past and I always break down into terrible nervous stuttering. I can barely keep my words clear in everyday conversation, but when I’m speaking in front of people, it’s impossible. I’ll cost us a decent grade for the assignment. Please don’t make me do it.” Jesse realized that he was getting emotional, and tried to hold back. He was frightened of presenting in front of Prof. Ndlovu, especially for the most important assignment of his life.
Luke nodded as he listened to Jesse, and then said softly and reassuringly: “Jesse, no one is going to judge you if you get nervous. But Ndlovu will want you to do it. You know he’s harder on you because you’ve been the top Psychology student since first year. If you don’t do this presentation…” Luke hesitated slightly, and said, “I know you can do it. I’ve heard you talking about all of the theories and studies we’re dealing with. You’re brilliant. You need to get up there and show him that, and show the rest of the class that. You need to make it clear as day that you should be included in the Clinical Psychology course. I won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to, but I’m telling you, you can do this. I’ll be right there next to you.”
Jesse shrugged his shoulders and tried even harder to fight off any show of emotion. “I can’t do it, Luke. I know you think I should just buck up and make the best of it, but it’s not easy for me. When I was in high school and had to present a book report for English class, I stuttered so badly that I started to have a panic attack. The rest of the class were laughing, howling at me, and the teacher didn’t defend me. I’ve been avoiding public speaking since then. I’ve been quiet for my whole life, comfortable just disappearing into the background, and I don’t need to have all that attention on me making a fool of myself.”
Luke’s expression changed again, the sadness completely gone from his eyes. His stare was soft and kind, like a balm to Jesse, taking away some of his anxiety. To Jesse’s surprise, Luke lifted his hand onto the table and put it on top of Jesse’s hand. Luke held it there, the warmth of Luke’s palm radiating to Jesse’s cold fingers. There was so much written in Luke’s expression; it was like he was seeing Jesse for the first time. Luke squeezed Jesse’s hand slightly and said: “It’s okay. I’ll be here. If you decide not to do the presentation, I’ll take over. If you decide to do it, I’ll be by your side.” Luke let go of
Jesse’s hand and went back to his books, and Jesse felt his fear and panic subside into a feeling of safety. His emotions were still raw, but he decided to focus on the computer screen in front of him and get back to work.
After a few more minutes of working in silence, Luke said to Jesse, “Is there any chance you’d be interested in having dinner with me tomorrow? Focusing on something other than work for one night? I think we’ve made some good progress already and I’d like to just hang out. If you want. Get to know each other a bit.”
Jesse spoke again without thinking: “I can’t tomorrow. I’m having dinner with my boyfriend.”
Luke sat back in his chair: “Your boyfriend? I didn’t know you were dating anyone… You told me you didn’t have a boyfriend.”
“It’s a recent thing,” Jesse responded. “Just official today, actually. We dated for a long time but broke up a few months ago. We’re giving it another shot.”
“Oh,” Luke said simply, his face sinking. “Good for you, I guess.”
Jesse realized that Luke was upset about what he had said, although he didn’t know why. Wasn’t it Luke that had told Jesse he wasn’t ready for any kind of relationship? Now Luke seemed hurt that Jesse was dating someone else. “We can hang out later in the week, if you like?” Jesse said, trying to maintain a cheerful tone.
“No worries,” Luke responded, his eyes already back on his books. “It was just a thought, but maybe we should just stick to study sessions for now.”
They studied in silence for another hour before Luke said that he wasn’t feeling well and left. Jesse left the library soon afterwards. It had been a tumultuous and eventful day, and he needed to process everything.
Chapter 15
Work was piling up, but all Luke could think about over the following days was the meeting with Stephanie. She had shaken up his entire life and then just expected him to… what? Come back to her with arms wide open because she was sick? Just because she was dying didn’t mean that Luke had to completely forget everything she had done to him. He remembered the image of her face as she came to see him in the hospital after the crash that claimed Barend’s life. Luke had only sustained minor injuries, and he was distraught that he had lost the boyfriend who had meant so much to him. The callousness in Stephanie’s eyes as she walked into that hospital room was the final nail in the coffin of their relationship. He remembered her words to him as clear as day: “I’m sorry for what you’ve lost, but I still can’t accept what you are.” Luke grieved alone over the following months. He resolved never to speak to his sister again. Now, she had forced her way back into his life and dropped a bombshell on him: she was dying, and he might have the gene which would likely lead to the same neurological disease that she had. Luke couldn’t even begin to process all of it. He spent his days doing one task at a time: studying for and writing his tests, attending classes, and working on his assignment with Jesse. Every day as it came.
He worried about himself, too. He had been feeling unwell since that night he had left Hunters and passed out along the street. He hadn’t fainted like that again, but the thought still creeped into his mind that he might have been facing his own mortality. Was he ready for it? He had decided, a few months after Barend had died, that he would seek out any thrill to feel alive and not care about the consequences. He wanted to forget about everything bad in his life and only focus on fun and excitement. Now, the real prospect of his body falling apart was ahead of him. How was he supposed to even compute that information?
Stephanie had not tried to contact him again after Luke had seen her in JJ’s Bistro. There was nothing more to say between them. Was it the fact that she was dying that made her want to reach out to Luke again? Even if she had had some sort of change of heart, it meant nothing to Luke at that point in his life. She had abandoned him when he needed her most, during the time when his entire life had fallen apart, and now she expected to waltz back in and be greeted with a welcome mat. She acted as though Luke was the one who was being unfair to her. Even if she would be gone in a short while, Luke felt no need to reconcile with her. He couldn’t.
Luke lounged on his couch, unwinding by playing a violent video game, trying to fight back all of the depressing thoughts. He had been struggling to work that evening and was trying to distract himself, but playing the game was not working. He decided to try his luck at Percy’s Pub; perhaps a few drinks would soften the edge. He tossed his controller aside and jumped up from the couch, feeling a sudden weakness in his legs. No time to think about it, he decided, and walked to the bathroom. He removed his clothes one item at a time: the black sneakers, the blue harem sweatpants, the white t-shirt. He saw the scar that ran across his torso. Holding his hand to the scar, he stared at the bathroom wall, losing himself for a second. Luke snapped himself out of it and removed his underwear, exposing his slim, naked body to the cool air in his flat, and he stepped inside of the shower to wash away all of his worries.
***
Luckily, Busi was free and agreed to meet Luke at Percy’s Pub for a drink. There weren’t many people in Percy’s on a Tuesday during test season – a few of the regulars sat having beers at the bar, and some small groups who were brave enough to go out in the cold when they should have been studying were scattered at the small tables and booths throughout the pub. The dancefloor was completely empty. Luke and Busi sat at their regular booth just next to the window cradling their drinks. Luke was tearing off the label from his beer. Busi pointed at his fingers and said: “You know that’s a sign that you’re sexually frustrated, right?” He laughed in his brash manner, and Luke giggled along. For once, the old wives’ tales were true.
“I’m definitely going through a dry spell,” Luke said. “I met this guy last week with a man bun who just ended up being a creep. But there’s no one out tonight, so I guess my bad luck will continue.”
Busi bent over the table to playfully slap his friend on the shoulder: “Cheer up, Luke. Why don’t I ask my friend Victor to join us this weekend at Blair’s lodge in the mountains? I think you guys would hit it off.”
Luke sat back in shock. He had completely forgotten that he had promised Blair that he would join them on the trip to the Gouendaal mountains. He couldn’t afford to be away from the assignment for an entire weekend. And what would Jesse say? He would be incredibly disappointed in Luke for leaving right when they should have been working the hardest on their assignment.
“Shit!” Luke exclaimed. “I can’t believe I forgot about that.”
“You forgot about our weekend away rappelling in the Gouendaal mountains? That’s something I never thought I’d hear Luke Brennan saying. What’s been on your mind lately that’s made you forget about such important matters?” Busi giggled, but Luke could see that Busi was only half-listening for Luke’s response. Busi’s attention was with a gorgeous girl at the bar who was wearing a denim jacket and a t-shirt with the Eiffel Tower on it.
Luke answered Busi despite his divided attention: “It’s just been a busy time with studies. Do you think Blair would mind if I dropped her for this weekend?”
Busi’s full attention returned to Luke and he exclaimed: “Are you kidding? She’s been excited about this since she booked it. She’s bringing the new guy along. A dentist, I think.”
“What happened to the investment banker?” Luke inquired, not really interested in the answer.
“Old news,” Busi responded, and he gave a wave to the girl at the bar who was excitedly whispering with her friend while staring at Busi. “Listen, Luke, you can’t pull out now. Bring your books along and study when we’re not busy on a hike or something. That’s what all the rest of us will be doing. I have an Economics test on Tuesday that might just kill me, but you don’t see me pulling out at the last minute.”
“It’s not that simple,” Luke said. “I have to complete an assignment with a partner. It’s a big one and we have to work together a lot. It really won’t work.”
“Bring her along! You have an ex
tra spot in your room, remember? Is she cute? Can you put in a good word for me?”
“It’s a guy. And he’s not the kind of person to go on adventure getaways in the middle of test season. I don’t see it happening. I’ll have to break the news to Blair gently.” Luke was concerned. He hated disappointing his friends, especially because of work. He was supposed to be the center of the party, not a flake. But he couldn’t skip out on a whole weekend of working on the assignment with Jesse.
“Better you than me, Luke. The fire is starting at the bar, so I’d better go while it’s still warm. You’ll be okay over here, right? I’ll be back if the flames go out. Wish me luck!” With that, Busi was off to talk to the girl at the bar, who was leaning seductively with her shoulder against a beam. Luke considered his predicament. There was no way that Jesse would be okay with joining him on the trip. It would be two days lost if Luke went with Blair and Busi. He had no choice but to cancel.
As Luke was deep in thought, he saw a guy sit down across from him at his booth. The guy was tall and handsome, with a disarming smile and thick eyebrows under his medium-length, bushy hair. The guy was very handsome, and his long eyelashes gave his face a feminine, alluring quality.
“Hey there,” said the stranger, smiling broadly at Luke.
“What have we got here?” Luke asked flirtatiously.
“Just a guy wanting to buy you a drink. Would that be okay?” The guy spoke very clearly, like he had voice training, and his movements were precise and methodical as if they were rehearsed. Must be a drama student, Luke thought.
All-Nighters Page 10
