Phillip nodded and put his hand on Jesse’s shoulder before pulling a face at Luke and walking away. Luke moved in close to Jesse, trying to speak softly but clearly in the crowded courtyard: “Jesse, I can’t tell you how sorry I am. You’ve been the one person who has really meant something to me over the past few months. I never wanted to hurt you like that, the way I know you’ve been hurt before. I hate myself for hurting you like that.”
Jesse bit his lip: “I know you didn’t know who Martin was. And I don’t blame you. It’s just a lot to take in right now.” Jesse seemed to be carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. They hung low by his sides, and his energy seemed to be completely drained.
“Jesse, are you okay? You don’t look well,” Luke asked.
Jesse shook his head slowly, hesitating for a second but eventually saying: “The vet called me this morning. She says Scampers is in a lot of pain and he doesn’t seem to be getting better. She says it looks like I’ll have to make a decision tonight about whether to put him to sleep. If he doesn’t recover enough… She says it’s not looking good. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to see my best friend suffering like that.” The heartbreak was apparent all over Jesse’s face. Luke lifted his hand slightly, compelled to hug Jesse, but he knew that it wasn’t his place.
“I’m so sorry, Jesse. I know how much Scampers means to you. I want to come with you. I want to be there for you tonight, if you’ll let me.”
Jesse’s eyes grew larger and a vague look of longing showed on his face, but he simply said: “No, I’ll be okay. You don’t have to be there. He’s my responsibility and I’ll deal with it. I don’t need you there.”
Luke saw so much in Jesse in that moment. He could see the deep love that Jesse felt for Scampers. He could see the iron will that had made Jesse succeed in life, the drive that motivated him to be a psychologist. Luke could see the pain that Jesse carried with him, and how independent and stubborn he could be. And Luke realized something in that moment: he loved Jesse. Luke wanted to be close to him, to share so much with him. Luke wanted to comfort him when he was in pain. He wanted to see where things went with Jesse in the future. He had a reason to value his life again, and that reason was sharing it with the someone he loved.
It took everything in Luke not to embrace Jesse. He knew that there was no way to tell Jesse how he felt at that moment, even though his insides felt like they were about to be torn apart by the urge to wear his heart on his sleeve. There was no denying his feelings any longer. Luke felt himself surrender to the realization that Jesse had awakened something within himself that he accepted was long dead, that he thought had died with Barend and with Stephanie turning away from him. It was his capacity to truly connect with someone else. Luke wished in that moment that he had never turned Jesse away on that first night. He wished that he had never even looked at another guy once he knew that his feelings for Jesse were real. But Luke had made self-destructive decisions because he didn’t believe that he deserved a future. Now, his future was standing in front of him, those sad brown eyes, that curly dark blond hair, those gentle rosy cheeks. Luke wanted to live, but more than that, he wanted to truly be alive again. And it was love that let him know that he was alive.
“I have to go, Luke,” Jesse said, snapping Luke back to the moment. “We can discuss the assignment at another time. Honestly, I don’t know what I’m going to do yet. I just need to focus on Scampers. You understand that, don’t you?”
“I understand,” Luke said, feeling emotion swelling in him. This was not the time, he decided. “Let me know. Whatever you need, whatever I can do, just let me know. And Jesse…”
Jesse’s eyes were searching Luke’s as he stood in front of him. There was an unasked question hanging between them, a request that neither of them could verbalize or even form into a coherent thought yet. Luke said: “I’ll never turn away from you again.”
Jesse walked off, and Luke stood watching him go, feeling utterly powerless.
Chapter 22
Jesse walked into the vet clinic as the sun began to set over Ridgemont. He hadn’t slept well at all the night before, shocked by what the vet had told him. It was time to make a decision about Scampers. Jesse could hardly comprehend what was happening. He walked through the reception area in a daze, and told the receptionist that he was there to see the doctor about his dog Scampers. She smiled in a knowing way, pressing her lips together with sad eyes, and told Jesse to have a seat. Jesse waited in the cold reception area, only one thing on his mind. He still had hope for Scampers. Jesse would do everything he could to make sure that his dog pulled through and got better. Scampers was young enough. One virus was not enough to bring him down. Only if the doctor really told Jesse that there was no hope, if he could see something in Scampers’s eyes that told him it was time to let go, would he accept the decision to put his dog to sleep. The thoughts wore heavily on him. He had gone through the past twenty-four hours like a zombie, not even eating since the day before. Here he was, about to face one of his biggest fears…
Finally, the vet walked into the reception area with a somber expression. “Mr. Montgomery, you can follow me.” Jesse got up, his legs feeling weak and his throat dry. He followed the vet to the kennels and found Scampers in the quarantine area. Tears immediately burst from his eyes when he saw Scampers. The dog was incredibly thin and frail. He looked nothing like the lively companion who would be by Jesse’s side as they walked up the Yvette Uys Mountain. “He’s not looking much better than yesterday, I’m afraid. His vitals are weak and he’s not eating. He seems to still be in a lot of pain since yesterday. We haven’t had a sign from him that he’s recovering.”
Jesse swallowed hard. “Is there no hope for him to get better, doctor?”
The doctor shook her head slowly and said, “His body is very weak. I have seen dogs come back from his condition, but he doesn’t seem to be regaining strength. If he had shown us any signs like eating or even getting up and walking by himself, it would be a whole different story. Based on his condition right now, I don’t think he’ll be one of the lucky ones.”
Jesse gently stroked Scampers’s fur. The dog barely opened his eyes, and his tail lifted slightly. “It’s good to see you too, boy. I’m sorry this happened to you.” Jesse sat in silence, concentrating on Scampers, willing him to get up. He turned to the doctor again: “If I can get him to stand up and walk, there’ll be a chance of recovery?”
The vet sighed and said, “Mr. Montgomery, I don’t want you to get your hopes up. He hasn’t shown any signs of regaining strength since you brought him in. We should start to accept the fact that…”
“I just want to know, doctor. I know you’ve been doing a great job of taking care of him. I know I don’t know much about what’s wrong with him and I’m not the expert. But you said that if you see signs that he’s getting stronger that it means he might recover, right?”
“Yes,” the vet nodded, “but the chances are very unlikely that after this much time…”
“If I can get him to walk,” Jesse said, “If he walks tonight he stands a chance of getting better?” The desperation was pouring from Jesse’s eyes. The vet tilted her head sideways.
“I’ll let you stay here with him. If he is responsive and shows a fighting spirit, he might be able to beat this. We’ll only know his organs have recovered enough if he starts eating on his own. But if there’s a sign tonight, I think it would be fair to hold on to hope.”
The doctor walked out of the room, leaving Jesse alone with his dog. Jesse turned his eyes to Scampers. He sat down on the ground next to him and scratched his ear, seeing the dog’s weak eyes open and close. “Come on, Scamp,” he whispered. “I know it hurts. I know you’ve been fighting hard these past few days. But give it one more try. I need you, Scamp. No one else is there for me like you are. No one has been there for me, unwavering, for seven years, like you have. Try and stand up for me. Try and walk for me.”
Scampers’s tail
moved a bit more, but the dog could hardly lift his head from the ground. Jesse bent over him and hugged him, feeling the tangles of black and white fur against his face. He whispered softly into Scampers’s ear: “If you need to let go, I understand. I’ll let go, too. I’ll always love you, boy. I’ll always remember you. If you’ve fought as hard as you can, give me a sign and I’ll let you go to sleep. I won’t make you suffer for any longer than you need to. I just need to know if you want me to keep holding on.” Jesse felt the dog’s hot, wet tongue lick his neck. He got up and looked at Scampers, waiting for some kind of reaction, but his eyes were still closed. Jesse sat there next to him, watching his dog’s body rise and fall as he breathed slowly. The minutes ticked by. The realization was slowly descending on Jesse that it might have been time to say goodbye to Scampers. He sighed heavily, surprisingly not crying, and stood up.
Suddenly, Scampers’s tail began to wag more vigorously. Jesse watched him in confusion. His eyes were half-open, but his tail was moving up and down much more strongly than it had been before. Jesse called out: “What’s going on, Scamp? Are you okay? Do you need me to do something for you?”
The dog’s head was slowly rising from the ground and his eyes were almost completely open. He seemed to be struggling, but he was definitely trying to get up. He pushed his paw against the ground, but couldn’t manage to lift himself. Jesse whispered: “Oh my God! Scamp! Are you trying to get up?”
Scampers continued to struggle. Jesse’s heart was beating like a hummingbird’s wings. The dog’s face was pulled into a weak smile with his ears back, and his eyes were wider, but he couldn’t find his way onto his feet yet. “Get up, Scampers! You can do it. Come over here to me,” Jesse said, holding out his arms towards his dog. Scampers’s shaggy coat was pressed flat on the side where he was lying down. Jesse saw the lopsided features rising from the ground. “You’re doing it, Scamp! Come over here.”
In an instant, Scampers was on his feet, wagging his tail and looking in Jesse’s direction, but still seeming very weak and exhausted. “You made it, Scamp! Walk over here! Come on, boy.” Jesse heard commotion behind him, and reasoned that the vet must have come back to see what was happening. Jesse’s face was beaming with a wide smile, and tears fell down his cheeks. “He’s walking!” Jesse called out. “He’s doing it!”
Scampers could barely support himself, but put one foot in front of the other in Jesse’s direction. He moved slowly, but there was more strength in him than Jesse had seen since the day he had found him unconscious in the bedroom. Scampers hobbled forward, dragging his feet a bit, but moving closer and closer to Jesse. “You’re almost there, boy! Come into my arms!”
Scampers continued to move forward, but something was strange. He wasn’t walking directly towards Jesse, but was moving past him. “Where are you going, Scamp? Is your vision a bit blurry? I’m over here.” But Scampers continued to walk right past Jesse, giving him a passing smile as he went. Jesse followed the dog with his eyes, confused by what was happening, but elated to see him walking. As Jesse looked behind him to where Scampers was walking towards, he almost fell back in surprise. “Luke! What are you doing here?”
Luke was kneeling behind Jesse at the entrance, petting Scampers who had managed to walk all the way across the room into his arms. “Looks like he remembers me,” Luke said, smiling at Jesse.
Jesse was blown away by what he was seeing. Scampers had gotten up and walked because he knew that Luke was in the room. “I can’t believe it!” Jesse said, overwhelmed with emotion. “He’s walking!” At that moment the vet came into the room and saw Scampers standing in front of Luke.
“He got up by himself?” she asked, her eyes large with surprise.
“He walked all the way across the room on his own,” Jesse said excitedly.
Luke smiled as he stood up next to Scampers: “He’s got a habit of seeking me out, doesn’t he?” Scampers was wagging his tail from side to side, looking up at Luke and turning to face Jesse. Everyone’s eyes were on him, and he took his cue to make his intentions known. Scampers tugged at Luke’s pant leg with his teeth, pulling him towards the center of the room. “What are you doing, boy?” Luke asked, but he walked along as Scampers led him. Luke found himself being dragged all the way to where Jesse was squatting on the ground, and Scampers rested himself against Jesse’s leg. “He seems to want attention from both of us,” Luke smiled, and he bent down again to where Scampers and Jesse sat hugging on the floor. Both Luke and Jesse scratched the dog’s ears, and Luke reached into his pocket to pull out something. “I thought he might like this. It used to be my dog’s favorite treat.” Luke showed Jesse some pieces of pungent smelling dried meat. “It’s doggie biltong. They go crazy over this stuff.” Luke held out some of the biltong bits for Scampers and he ate them ravenously.
The vet stared at them in disbelief: “How did you manage to get him up? This is fantastic!”
Jesse hugged Scampers tightly as the dog chewed on the biltong. Luke smiled at the two of them contentedly.
Jesse’s turned to face Luke, and said, “I don’t know what to say… I’m just so happy. Thank you for coming. I thought I would lose him.” Jesse spoke to Scampers again, “You really like Luke a lot, don’t you? I feel a little betrayed that you got up for him so quickly,” Jesse laughed. “I’m just kidding. I’m glad you’re walking and eating, boy. Whatever magic Luke used to help you get better, I’m just glad it’s working.”
“It’s not magic,” Luke said. “I just had to come here to be with you. I think Scampers wanted me to be here with you, too.” Luke took Jesse’s hand again, and Jesse grabbed him in a tight hug. His body convulsed in sobs of joy. He held Luke for a long time, unable to let go.
“I needed you here with me. I just didn’t know how to say it. Thank you for coming. I don’t know how I could ever repay you.”
Scampers made sounds of satisfaction as Luke and Jesse hugged above him, his tail wagging much stronger. Luke hugged Jesse back. “You don’t owe me anything. This is where I was supposed to be. Just promise me that you won’t let me stand in the way of you doing well in the Psychology assignment. I don’t want my mistake to cost you the grade you deserve.”
Jesse finally broke the hug and looked into Luke’s eyes with red, tear-stained cheeks. “I want to do it with you. I want us to finish this together.”
“Then we need to do it right,” Luke said, warmly. “Do the presentation with me. Don’t give Ndlovu any reason to doubt how brilliant you are.”
Jesse nodded and smiled. “We can do it together. But tonight, we need to celebrate with Scampers.” Jesse was happy that he and Luke were able to agree about the assignment, and he was happy to have Luke next to him in that moment. But he felt a sense of dread descend on him when he thought of doing the presentation. He only had a few days to prepare, and he would have to talk in front of a room full of people. Jesse pushed the thoughts aside and continued to feed Scampers some of Luke’s biltong, elated that his dog was showing signs of recovery.
Chapter 23
The sun had finally come out after a series of gloomy days in Ridgemont. Luke enjoyed the bright early morning rays as he pulled his scarf tight against his neck and walked towards the outskirts of campus with his backpack over his shoulder. He was carrying enough supplies to last him the three days until the presentation, as he and Jesse had agreed to set up camp at Jesse’s place for the rest of the week so that they could work together 24/7. Luke breathed in the smells of the grass after the rain. The colors were more vibrant and the atmosphere on campus more lively as test season was slowly winding down. Many students had already received their grades for the second term and were departing on Winter break. Luke watched as small groups were gathering at the hangouts around Donovan Square.
Scampers was eating on his own by that morning and seemed much stronger, and the vet had agreed to let Jesse take him home on the condition that he was monitored closely and kept warm. Jesse had sounded overjoyed to have his do
g back at home when Luke had called him earlier that morning. He still sounded extremely grateful to Luke for arriving at the vet and somehow persuading Scampers to walk towards him. The truth was that Luke had no idea why the dog had come to him, but he was happy that he could help Jesse to get Scampers safely at home. The way Scampers had pulled at Luke’s pant leg was strange. Perhaps the dog had sensed something that Luke had not yet put into words, and Scampers had used all of his strength to make sure that Luke was close to Jesse. Luke had been home the previous night, unable to shake the feeling that he needed to be there with Jesse. He needed to be by his side as he looked after Scampers. Luke took a cab over to the vet and was taken to the quarantine area by the spiky-haired assistant, and when he saw Jesse on the ground with Scampers, all of the feelings that he had begun to develop for Jesse came rushing to the fore. He saw that beautiful soul that he had fallen for, loving his dog so deeply. Luke wanted to show Jesse the same kind of dedication and affection that he witnessed in that room.
But Luke knew that there was something that held him back. Even as he walked towards Jesse’s flat on that early Tuesday morning, he could feel the lightheadedness and the slight nausea. The symptoms were getting worse. He felt like he might have fainted again at any time. He thought of Stephanie, how she was facing the fact that she was suffering from a disease that would only get worse, that might end her life at a young age. Luke couldn’t yet fully comprehend that he might have been facing the same fate.
Luke thought that he had nothing to live for before. When he took his life for granted, only chasing temporary thrills, he imagined that his life was meaningless. The only thing he even vaguely cared about was Psychology, since he had always been fascinated with how people work. Even that interest was beginning to fade over the past year. But now, Luke had something to live for. He had someone else’s needs to care about. He wanted to give everything to make sure that Jesse did well in the assignment and made it into postgraduate studies. Even if Luke didn’t have a lot of time left to pursue his interests, he wanted to make sure that Jesse could fulfill his dreams.
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