by Pam Howes
‘Sounds like a good plan.’
Cathy squeezed into her jeans and took a deep breath to do up the zip. Blimey, she was piling weight on now the morning sickness was easing off. The jeans had fitted fine a couple of weeks ago. This baby was going to be a big one.
She planned to leave Lucy with her mam for the afternoon and go over to the Liverpool Royal Hospital to spend a bit of time with her nursing friends, who had a few hours off between shifts. She couldn’t wait to see them all again for the first time since her wedding day in June. ‘See you later, Mam,’ she called as she let herself out at the front door.
‘Enjoy yourself, chuck,’ Alice called back. ‘I won’t come to the door because my hands are covered in flour and I’ve got Lucy standing on a chair helping me to make pastry.’
‘Okay. Bye Lucy-Lu,’ Cathy called and set off down the street, swinging her handbag. It was a lovely day, much cooler than the summer had been, but bright and dry. She called into the bakery on Lark Lane and bought a Victoria sponge cake to share with her friends, then hurried to catch the bus on Aigburth Drive.
Ellie and Karen were waiting for her in the foyer at the nurses’ home and greeted her warmly. ‘You go on up to Ellie’s room and I’ll go and grab us three mugs of tea from the canteen. Jean’s been delayed with a delivery and will join us later if she can,’ Karen said.
‘See if you can get some small plates and a knife.’ Cathy held up a square white box. ‘Cake.’
‘Oh yum. Will do.’ Karen dashed off and Ellie led the way, past Cathy’s old ground-floor room and the telephone in the hallway and up the back stairs to the first floor.
‘Take a pew.’ Ellie gestured to the single bed in her neat and tidy room. Cathy sank down with a sigh.
‘Please excuse me doing this, but I can’t breathe.’ She popped the button on her jeans, lowered the zip slightly and let out a relieved breath. ‘I need to get a bigger size. These are killing me. Think I’ll pop down to Blacklers while I’m out.’
‘Here, try this for now.’ Ellie produced an elastic band from her bedside drawer. She threaded it through the buttonhole, secured it and looped it around the metal button of Cathy’s jeans. ‘There you go, but don’t forget to do your zip up before you leave here. At least you’ll be a bit more comfortable for the next few hours. Don’t squeeze into clothes that are too small. It’s not good for you or Gianni Junior in there.’ She laughed. ‘Bound to be a boy this time, it looks quite big for just over three months.’
‘That’s what I thought.’ Cathy nodded. ‘Gianni would be over the moon with a son.’
‘I’m sure,’ Ellie said as a banging noise at the door startled them both. Ellie opened it a fraction and saw Karen lifting her foot to kick at the bottom of the door again, her hands carrying a laden tray preventing her from knocking.
‘Sorry, couldn’t knock properly. It’s time women evolved to have three hands.’ She waltzed into the room and placed the tray on top of the chest of drawers under the window.
Cathy cut the cake and shared it out, leaving some for Jean for later, and the threesome caught up with their news. Both Karen and Ellie were about to finish their state registered nurse courses and would be training as midwives soon. Jean was already halfway through her midwifery training.
‘This is what I miss about my nursing life,’ Cathy said. ‘Having you all for company. I do envy you so much. I really want to come back and finish my training and then do midwifery. Hopefully when this baby arrives, they’ll have moved on and changed the rules about married nurses working here.’
Karen nodded. ‘That’s in the pipeline. But how would you manage? You’ve still got the problem of who minds the kids and the fairground lifestyle. You’re never in one place long enough to do anything.’
Cathy half-smiled and took a sip of tea. ‘I’m hoping that when we have two children, Gianni will give up the fair and settle down with us as a family.’
‘And pigs might fly,’ Ellie said, raising an eyebrow.
Karen nodded her agreement. ‘I don’t mean to be harsh, Cathy, but you could have brought Lucy up with your mam’s help and not got married. Then you could have finished your training. But now see, you’re expecting again and that’s double the trouble. I know the rules are unfair, but I think nursing is something you’re going to have to forget about until the kids grow up and then you can see what sort of regulations are in force.’
Cathy pulled a face. ‘I guess you’re right.’
Karen nodded. ‘You know I am. You’ve got what we haven’t; a gorgeous hunk of a husband that worships the ground you walk on. A beautiful daughter, as well as a new baby on the way. You should go back to Gianni and stay with him, forget about all this for now. Count your blessings, Cathy.’
On the way back from the hospital Cathy caught a bus into the city and popped into Blacklers, where she bought a pair of black maternity slacks and a couple of loose tops. Mindful of what Karen had said about going back to Gianni and the fairground, she decided to take a train from Lime Street station to Aigburth so she could call into the ticket office and ask about trains to Carlisle, where the fair was destined to pitch up next week.
The man she spoke to told her the journey took just over a couple of hours and she would need to change at Preston. She could purchase her ticket on the day she decided to travel. She thanked him and waited on the platform for the Aigburth train, her mind in a whirl. Should she do it, just turn up in Carlisle and surprise him? She’d see what her mam and Johnny thought about the idea tonight.
‘If you feel you’ve had a long enough rest and are up to it then yes, go back to the fair,’ Alice said when Cathy broached the subject later that night. ‘But not on the train. Tell Gianni that’s what you want to do when he next rings you and let him come here for you. You’ll struggle with all your bags and Lucy. Lifting heavy things isn’t good at any stage in a pregnancy.’
‘But he’s in Carlisle, Mam. It’s a long way to ask him to come back here for me. The fair will be here next month. Maybe I should just wait. It was something Karen said today that made me realise where I should be.’ Cathy took a deep breath, feeling troubled. ‘But my head’s all over the place. I felt sad when I was in the nurses’ home and that I’d had to give it all up. Karen and Ellie are nearly ready to start their midwifery training. Then I think of Gianni and how we should be together. But I know how boring it is just sitting around waiting for him to finish work. All I do is read or play with Lucy. I feel totally useless.’
Alice rolled her eyes. ‘I’d give my right arm to just sit and read or play with Roddy. Are there no other young mothers on the site?’
Cathy shook her head. ‘None at all. A couple of the hired hands have teenagers who work alongside them on the stalls, but no, there’s just me. The only one anywhere near my age is Eloisa and there’s not a chance we could ever be friends.’
Alice shrugged. ‘I don’t know what to suggest, love. It’s such a shame, because if things were different you could be living across the street.’
‘No chance of that happening either, Mam.’ Cathy got to her feet. ‘I’d better go on up to bed. I’ll have a think.’
Cathy rolled onto her side and picked up the alarm clock. The luminous hands told her it was only three am. She frowned, wondering what had caused her to wake up. As she rolled back to the middle of the bed she flinched as a cramping pain wrapped itself around her lower stomach and back. ‘Ouch!’ she muttered and drew her legs up to relieve it. But the pain was quickly replaced by another. Cathy wriggled up the bed to a sitting position. She pushed back the bedcovers and slowly swung her legs over the edge, glad that she was on her own – Lucy had crept into bed with Rosie earlier – and slipped her feet into her slippers. Might be a full bladder giving her the twinges.
She made her way slowly to the bathroom across the landing. She tried to straighten up, but another pain was beginning and she leaned forward, clutching her stomach. She bit her lip to stop herself crying out and waking the househ
old. Then she felt dampness between her legs and checked herself to see what was happening. Even in the low light, she could see her hand came away dark; she was bleeding.
‘Mam,’ she cried out, going back onto the landing and tapping on Alice’s bedroom door. Within seconds Alice opened the door, her eyes blinking in the bright light from the landing bulb.
‘What is it?’ she asked, joining Cathy and closing the bedroom door behind her.
‘Mam, I think I’m losing the baby,’ Cathy said, choking on a sob. ‘I woke up with cramp-like pains and I’m bleeding. What shall I do?’
‘Oh lord,’ Alice said, putting her arms around Cathy. ‘Can you make it back to the bedroom?’
Between them they shuffled into Cathy’s room and Alice helped her onto the bed. ‘I’ll just go and get you a pad from the cupboard.’ Alice hurried to the bathroom and came back with a packet of sanitary towels. ‘Put one on,’ she instructed. ‘Is the bleeding heavy?’
‘Yes and I can feel more coming now,’ Cathy cried.
‘I’ll phone for an ambulance. They might be able to do something to stop it at the hospital. Just lie as still as you can.’ Alice shot out of the room. She was back within minutes. ‘They’re on the way. Just let me tell Johnny what’s happening and throw some clothes on and I’ll come with you. Don’t worry about Lucy, he’ll see to her.’
Cathy clung to her mam’s hand as the ambulance sped up Lark Lane and onto the main road. With bells clanging and lights flashing, they were at the Royal in no time.
Cathy was carried inside on a stretcher, groaning in pain as the cramps grew stronger. Alice hurried alongside the attendants as they handed Cathy over to two nurses, who rushed her into a cubicle. Alice took a seat in the corridor, calling out to Cathy that she was just nearby. She waited for someone to tell her what was happening.
From where she was sitting, Alice could hear her daughter crying out as her pains got stronger. Then there was silence, followed by the nurses comforting a sobbing Cathy. One of the nurses appeared at Alice’s side and touched her shoulder.
‘I’m so sorry,’ she began.
Alice looked up as a sob caught in her throat. ‘Can I see her?’
The nurse nodded. ‘We’ve just called the doctor. Cathy will need a procedure called a dilation and curettage.’
Alice nodded. She’d heard of the D & C procedure.
‘It’s just to make sure everything is clear and nothing is left behind that may cause problems later,’ the nurse explained. ‘You go in and see her and then we’ll get her ready for theatre.’
Alice popped her head around the cubicle curtains. Cathy was lying facing the wall, her body shuddering with sobs. ‘Sweetheart.’ Alice put her hand on her daughter’s shoulder. ‘I’m so sorry.’
Cathy rolled to face her. ‘Was it something I did? Is it God’s will because I’m never satisfied, no matter how lucky people tell me I am with everything I’ve got? Gianni will be so upset, Mam. Will you tell him when he rings tomorrow? Tell him I’m so, so sorry.’
‘I will. And it’s nothing to do with God. Let’s just get you sorted out and back home. We’ll worry about Gianni tomorrow. You’ll be in here for a few days while things settle down. It was nothing you did, Cathy. These things happen for some reason or other. Nobody knows why.’
By the following afternoon Cathy was coming to terms with losing her baby. The D & C procedure had been successful. She’d lost a fair amount of blood but had been given some back in a transfusion. The doctor had visited her this morning on the gynaecological ward and told her that there was no reason she couldn’t carry another baby to full term and that no one knew why these things happened. She should have no future problems as far as he could tell. He wished her well and told her she could go home after another couple of days of bed rest.
Ellie and Karen had come to visit her after the staff nurse got a message to them. They’d given her hugs and sympathy and brought flowers. Jean came in on her way home that evening.
‘I’m so sorry, Cathy,’ she began, tears filling her eyes. ‘I was half-hoping you’d be one of my deliveries in time. Has anyone got word to Gianni?’
‘Yes, Mam came in at seven and she’d spoken to him. He was really upset and wants to come and see me. She told him to wait until the weekend when I’m home and not to come rushing all that way or he’ll be having an accident. He’s going to ring her again in the morning.’
Jean nodded and stroked Cathy’s arm. ‘You need to get some rest if you intend going back with him to the fairground.’
Cathy sighed. ‘All I’ve been thinking while I’m lying here is thank goodness I was at Mam’s and not the back of beyond in the caravan. That’s something to be thankful for, if nothing else. At least Mam knew what to do. Can you imagine being stuck on a field with no phone and no nearby hospital with just strangers to look after me? Gianni would have gone into a right panic. Then there’s Lucy to worry about. At least I know she’s being taken good care of while I’m in Liverpool.’
‘There’s a lot to be said for having family around you at a time like this,’ Jean said. ‘And Alice is a good auxiliary nurse and would know how to respond right away.’ Jean got to her feet. ‘I’ll pop in tomorrow. Get some sleep now.’
The pair said goodbye and Cathy watched her walk briskly up the ward, smart in her midwife’s uniform. She closed her eyes to the bustle of the ward, an overwhelming sadness washing over her for the loss of the baby she would never hold or name, and willed sleep to come.
By the time Gianni arrived on the Saturday, Cathy was tucked up in the front room on the sofa bed. Her mam had insisted she rest and had been feeding her up on liver and onions, which she wasn’t keen on, but she knew that, along with iron tablets, it would help her iron levels get back to normal after her blood loss.
Gianni knelt beside the sofa bed and put his arms around her, hugging her gently. Her eyes filled as she looked into his. He looked so sad. ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered.
‘Nothing to be sorry about,’ he said, his voice breaking. ‘Maria said things like this happen and sometimes for no reason.’
‘There may have been something wrong with him. He might not have survived his birth. Maybe it’s better this way,’ Cathy said quietly.
‘Did they tell you it was a boy then?’ He choked on a sob.
‘Oh, no, they wouldn’t be able to tell. It was too soon. But I always thought it would be a boy. I wanted to give you a son.’
He nodded. ‘I know you did. One day, when we’re ready, maybe?’
She smiled. ‘We’ll see.’ She stroked his cheek and reached up to kiss him.
He held her for a minute. ‘Cathy, I’ve been thinking. If you’d been where the fair’s pitched when you started losing our baby it would have been a nightmare. It’s way out of the city on a recreation ground. I’d never have got you to a hospital in time.’
Gianni looked straight into her eyes. ‘I can’t stop thinking about what could have happened to you and the baby. I really think you should stay on in Liverpool with your family. I miss you more than words can say, but it’s safer for you and Lucy to stay here.’
Cathy felt her eyes filling with tears of love for her wonderful husband.
Gianni gave her a little squeeze. ‘We can be together when I’m in a nearby town and for all the winter months too. I know you were bored stiff at the fair. You need to follow your dreams like we always said you should. Finish your nurse training while I get the fair out of my system for a while longer. Be that nurse you always wanted to be. Make us all proud of you. Do it for Lucy and our little lost boy. And then one day soon, we’ll be together for always.’
‘It’s good to have you home, my love,’ Granny Lomax said, giving Cathy a big hug. Johnny had been to pick her up for tea and the family was packed into the back sitting room at Lucerne Street. ‘And look at the size of this one.’ She patted Lucy, who hung back shyly, on the head. ‘I think I might have a little something in my bag for you,’ she said encou
ragingly. Lucy’s face lit up as Granny rummaged, pulled out a parcel and handed it to the little girl.
Lucy tore at the wrapping paper and squealed with excitement as she pulled out a dolly dressed in a pink knitted outfit.
‘Oh, isn’t she lovely. What do you say?’ Cathy prompted.
‘Fank you,’ Lucy said, beaming.
‘Come and have a seat and Cathy will pour you a cuppa,’ Alice said. ‘Get off that chair, Roddy, let Granny sit down. How are you feeling today?’
‘I’m better for seeing my two girls,’ Granny said, smiling. ‘I’m okay, thanks, Alice. I get a bit weary at times and I’ve slowed down a lot, but the doctor at the hospital said the pills he prescribed should help. I’m not totally convinced it’s my heart, but they gave me a good examining and said I don’t need to go back for six months. I’ll see how I get on and take it from there. Having these two around will do me the world of good.’
Alice laughed. ‘It’ll do us all good. Tell Granny your plans, Cathy, while I bring the food through. I’ve made a cold buffet seeing as we don’t have enough chairs to all sit around the table. A buffet is easier to eat off our knees.’
As Alice went into the kitchen Cathy told Granny her future plans and Granny’s face lit up.
‘I’m sure Alice and I can manage to look after Lucy between us,’ she said. ‘And it won’t be too long before Gianni is home for the winter to help too.’
Cathy nodded. ‘Debs has offered to help me on the odd day as well. Lucy and Jonathon are similar in age and get on just fine, so they’ll be company for each other. It all just depends on me getting a training place again. I’m seeing my nursing friends later this week, so I’ll have a bit more information by then. The sooner I can start the better really and then I can make up for lost time. I’d like to do the same as Jean and train to be a midwife once the state registration course is finished. I know that’s what Ellie and Karen plan to do as well, eventually.’
