“A man like me,” he said slowly.
I swallowed.
He continued.
“A man like me who’d use your body and abuse your heart to exact fuckin’ retribution just because you walked away leavin’ my cock hard?”
Well, since what he said sounded kind of stupid, I realized belatedly I might have been wrong about that.
“You think that’s the kind of man I am?” he pushed.
“Hector –”
It was then he lost control of his anger and the room went wired.
“Answer me, god damn it! You think I’m that kind of man?” he barked, I jumped and stepped back.
He advanced.
That knot in my chest spread to my belly and my heart, burning through me so I couldn’t breathe.
“Don’t touch me,” I whispered.
“I wouldn’t touch you, Sadie. Not that way.” He stopped just short of me and looked down at my face. “I’d like to knock some fuckin’ sense into you but that’s not the kind of man I am.”
At his words, my stomach clenched. Painfully.
“Maybe I was wrong,” I said quietly.
His head cocked to the side and his eyes flashed again. “Maybe?”
I reached back with both hands and grabbed my hair at my ponytail, my hands fisting in it.
“I’m confused!” I cried, “I don’t have a lot of experience –”
He interrupted me, “Mamita, I’m warnin’ you, that excuse is wearin’ thin real fuckin’ fast.”
My breath was coming in quick bursts; I dropped my hands and said, “You don’t understand.”
“Explain it to me.”
“You still wouldn’t understand.”
“Explain it to me!” he roared.
I shook my head, or more like, jerked it from side-to-side.
I couldn’t take anymore.
Not one more second.
I couldn’t breathe, my stomach hurt, my head was pounding and that thing in my chest was threatening to explode.
I had to go, get out of there, go far, far away.
I rushed around him, got to the door and threw it open but only took one step into the hall before his fingers wrapped tight around my upper arm and he swung me around.
“Take your hand off me!” I shouted.
“We’re not fuckin’ done.”
“We’re done!”
“No we fucking well are not!” he yelled.
Then it all came out in a humiliating, painful burst.
I couldn’t control it, I had to get it out; the burning hot knot would kill me if I didn’t.
“I’m protecting you!” I screamed, “Don’t you get it? I’m protecting you!”
He blinked, slowly, his brows coming up in surprise but I kept going and I did it loudly, shouting at the top of my lungs.
“You deserve better than me, Hector Chavez! You’re a good man from a good family surrounded by good people. My father was a Drug King, he kills people, it’s what I am, he made me. And Ricky Balducci raped and brutalized me, you know it, you saw it, you were even there!” I screeched, out-of-control, breath coming fast, eyes stinging with tears. “You saw me! You told me you’d never forget. You saw me! You’re better than that and I know it. You deserve more than that. You don’t think you do but you’ve got a tattoo on you that reminds you to think with your head, not your body. I don’t want to be the next tattoo you get when you learn your lesson one day and realize what you’ve done, that you could have had better. That you could have had more. That you could have someone good and clean and right. Someone who belongs at your side. Not someone vile and ugly and tawdry and used that you should have never, ever, ever settled for!”
He pulled me closer, muttering, “Mamita.” And I saw it in his eyes, they’d gone so warm they burned a hole straight through my heart.
With superhuman effort, I yanked my arm out his grasp, whirled and ran.
“Don’t follow me,” I shouted over my shoulder as I saw him advance into the hall. I stopped and turned again. “Don’t!” I shrieked, my voice so shrill, it was like a physical thing, clawing through the air.
Then I whirled again and ran, blind, mind blank, heart beating so hard I thought it’d hammer out of my chest.
I pushed through people, felt hands on me, heard calls, shouts, even grunts but I ran through it all, straight to the counter. I yanked open a drawer and pulled out the keys to my apartment.
People got in my way, I heard their voices speaking to me urgently but nothing penetrated.
I dodged, ducked, yanked my body away. I heard a gravelly voice say, “I got her,” but I was gone, out the door into the cold night air, running.
After a block I bent double, pulled off my shoes and threw them in traffic. Then I sprinted like the devil was at my heels, the second block then the third then the fourth, on the fifth I was at my apartment building. I threw open the outer door, punched in the security code, yanked open the inner door and darted into the lobby. I hadn’t been there since the rape and I didn’t think about it. I ran straight to the stairs, stitch in my side, breath rasping in my throat, up the four flights then out into the hall and to my door. With shaking hands I tried to unlock it. It took me three tries and then I was in and I stopped, looking around in the dark, feeling the emptiness, remembering…
My nails went to my scalp and I ripped them through my hair, felt them, painful and harsh, as I dragged them along my scalp, down the back of my head, pulling the ribbon free.
I couldn’t be there.
I couldn’t go to Art.
I couldn’t go to Ralphie and Buddy.
I couldn’t go to a Rock Chick.
I couldn’t go to Hector.
I couldn’t go anywhere.
There was no where I belonged.
Nowhere safe.
I went to my bedroom, quickly walking through, the memories of the night when Ricky broke in stabbing at my brain. I walked straight to the sliding doors that led to the balcony. I closed the door behind me and stepped out into the cold. Then I plastered my back against the stone wall and drifted down, my shirt and skirt snagging against the stone, down I went until my bottom hit the concrete. My knees were up and I put my cheek against them and I tried to find one of my Sadies to help me.
But they were gone.
Not on vacation, not having cocktails, not getting facials, my Ice Princess, Attitude Sadie, Take Charge Sadie and Pretend Sadie had all vanished. They didn’t exist anymore. They weren’t there to be called.
It was just me.
Only me.
I was all there was left.
I wrapped my arms around my legs, the cold night air crept into my bones, I kept my cheek to my knees and I sat there in the dark stillness of the night.
Alone.
* * * * *
The sliding glass door opened.
I heard it and kept my cheek to my knees, my face turned away, my body so cold I was shivering.
A hand slid along my lower back, another one under my knees.
I twisted as the arms lifted me, I turned to fight and stilled at what I saw.
I thought it would be Hector.
It wasn’t.
It was Duke.
He carried me into my bedroom, set me on my feet and turned to the sliding door, pushing it shut.
Then I watched in stunned silence as he came to me and, when his arms were wrapping around me, pulling me tight to his big, warm body, I heard a violent noise coming from outside the apartment, like a body had thudded against the door.
I jumped and my head snapped around.
“Hector,” Duke said over my head. “He’s out there, the boys are with him. They’re holding him back so I don’t have a lotta time.”
My lungs seized at his words and, even though the warmth of his body was heating me, I still shivered.
“Knew your Mom,” he went on. “Didn’t know her well. I was a student then, gettin’ my Master’s but I hung out at Ellen’s store. Ellen
was Indy’s Grandma, she gave the store to Indy when she died.”
I didn’t reply. I stood in his arms and tried to keep my mind blank but his words came at me and I had nothing left in me to fight in order to keep them from penetrating my brain.
“I used to study there, made friends with Ellen. Katie, Indy’s Mom, Lizzie and Kitty Sue came in all the time. So did your Dad.”
I sucked in a shocked breath at this announcement and waited.
“Loved your Mom, your Dad did. Thought she hung the moon. You could see it every time he looked at her. I didn’t get a good feelin’ about the guy but Ellen thought he was special. ‘Sharp as a tack, big heart.’ She told me. She had good instincts. She could sense things in people. She never shared much but she did tell me things weren’t happy at home for your Dad. It wasn’t a good place for him to be. So he spent all the time he could with Lizzie.”
I was blinking, rapid and uncontrollable, as he kept sharing.
“Things happen, life is shit, decisions are made, paths are chosen. Your Dad chose the wrong paths but I suspect he chose them for good reasons, thinkin’ he was doin’ the right thing, wantin’ to give you and Lizzie a better life than what he had. I know this, Sadie, he loved your Mom. And she loved him. Back then, he was her world. So, I suspect what made you was love. They loved each other, Sadie, and that’s what made you. It might have gone wrong, it might have gone bad but that’s the way it started, that’s where you came from and that’s who you are.”
I heard my own breaths escaping my nostrils in sharp bursts and another violent noise sounded in the hall.
“Somethin’ else darlin’,” he went on quickly and his voice lowered. “Your Mom was here, she saw what I saw at your gallery, heard what I heard you say, it’d tear out her heart. Girl, it would just kill her to think you thought that of yourself. She made the ultimate sacrifice for you, don’t let it be for nothin’. Take hold of life and live it beautiful like she wanted you to do.”
I gulped down a sob but it tore through and now I was shivering for a different reason, tears flowing down my face, I pressed my cheek against his chest and wrapped my arms around his girth.
“Now, darlin’, there’s a man outside who’s likely to do somethin’ he’ll regret to men he respects if you don’t get out there and stop it.”
I pulled in my lips but as I did it, without thinking and without hesitation, I pulled free of Duke, walked on my frozen feet through the bedroom, living room, straight to the front door which I yanked open.
Ten feet down the hall I saw the backs of the Hot Bunch (and Tex). Lee, Hank, Mace, Vance, Luke (and Tex) were all there, their body’s held in a way that was just plain scary and the air in the hall was thick and hostile.
They heard the door, turned and parted and I saw Eddie and Hector, Eddie’s back to me, body confronting Hector, Hector facing me.
Eddie turned, Hector’s eyes sliced to me and I started walking forward.
Hector advanced.
I started running.
I ran straight into him and his arms closed around me.
I shoved my face in his chest, my fists gathering the material of his shirt by my cheeks and I cried hard, shoulder-shaking, uncontrollable sobs.
His arms went tighter and the heat of his body enveloped me.
“I’m an idiot,” I said into his chest.
“You’re not an idiot, mi cielo,” he murmured.
I shook my head but kept his shirt in my fists so my face was rubbing against his chest.
“I’m an idiot,” I repeated through my bawling.
“You’re a pain in the ass but you’re not an idiot,” he replied.
I tipped my head back and looked at him. I couldn’t see much of anything, he was blurry through my tears.
“I told you that you were going to have to cut me some slack!” I cried.
He stared down at me. “You movin’ to Greece?”
“No,” I said immediately.
I felt the tension leave his body then one of his hands drifted up my back, up my neck, his fingers sliding into my hair.
His head dipped down and he touched my lips.
“Good,” he said against my mouth. “Now let’s go home.”
Chapter Twenty-One
A Cooler and a Picnic Basket
Sadie
I woke in Hector’s bed, feeling Hector’s heat at my back, his mouth at my shoulder and his hands moving on me.
I sensed it immediately, the urgency and the tingles started.
“Hector?” I whispered.
He answered in Spanish, his mouth at my neck, words I didn’t even understand causing the tingles to grow into shivers.
I turned in his arms, pressing into his body. He fell to his back, pulling me on top of him. One of his hands went into my panties, the fingers of the other one slid into my hair.
I put my mouth to his, his hand put pressure on my head, we kissed and I melted immediately as the kiss shot straight to hot, hungry and wild.
I’d gone to bed wearing my panties and one of his flannel shirts and both were gone within minutes.
Luckily, Hector had gone to bed naked.
I used my mouth on him, his throat, neck, down his chest, my teeth dragging across his nipples, my tongue outlining his tattoo.
Then down further, tracing his abdominal muscles with my lips, all the while my hand was wrapped around him, stroking until, finally, I went down even further.
When I did, I heard his groan and his fingers slid in my hair, pulling it back. While I worked him, my gaze drifted up his chest. I saw him watching me, eyes blazing, a thrill shot through me and I felt the wetness immediately gather between my legs.
He allowed this for awhile then pulled me up so I was on my belly at his side. Before I could turn, he did an ab curl and all of a sudden, he was over me, between my legs, lifting my hips so I was on my knees, he positioned me and then drove inside.
My head flew back, I came up to my hands then lifted my torso, reaching out to grab the headboard as he pounded into me. One of his hands went to cup my breast, finger and thumb doing an amazingly effective nipple roll. His other hand went between my legs, finger honing in on the target. His torso was bent to mine, his face was in my neck, I turned my head to him.
“I love,” I panted, too turned on by what we were doing to think about my words, “being connected to you.”
As an answer, he drove in deep and stayed there, grinding hard, his finger between my legs creating magic.
My head went back again, colliding with his shoulder as the glorious tightness gathered, intensified and exploded. It was so immense, it took me out of time, out of my world, into the world of a real Hector and Sadie, together, connected and everything about them very, very right.
* * * * *
After he finished, he gently pulled out, fell to his back, positioning me on top of him. One of his arms wrapped lightly around my waist, the fingers of his other hand traced mindless patterns on my bottom. My face was in his neck.
“Take hold of life and live it beautiful like she wanted you to do.” Duke’s words sounded in my brain.
“They’re gone,” I whispered.
His arm at my waist tightened, his other hand stopped moving and cupped my behind.
“Sorry?” he asked, his voice rough, probably from what just happened and I felt that roughness somewhere happy and deep.
“My Sadies,” I explained quietly, embarrassed and unsure, I kept my face in his neck and, taking a deep breath, I powered on. “See, like I told you, to get through, I needed the Ice Princess. But these last few weeks, trying to find my way, I created more of them, Attitude Sadie, Take Charge Sadie, Nice Sadie… I tried to find them last night to help me but they’re gone.”
He gave me a squeeze and ordered softly, “Look at me.”
I didn’t want to. No, I really didn’t want to. So I didn’t.
“I don’t think I can,” I told him. “You probably think I’m crazy.”
H
e gave me another squeeze, waiting a moment and then he spoke.
“Mamita, they’re not gone. They’ve always been there, you just discovered them. They’re who you are.”
His words surprised me, mainly because they made sense and I lifted my head to look at him.
“Do you think so?” I asked.
He rolled us so he was mostly on top and his eyes scanned my face.
“Yeah,” he answered. “You’re the most complicated woman I’ve ever met.”
My brows drew together in confusion.
“Is that good?”
He grinned and his eyes went warm.
“Fuck yeah,” he told me through his grin. “Gotta tell you, mi cielo, you missed a few.”
This time, my brows went up.
“I did?”
His mouth touched mine but his eyes stayed open, staring at me. Then his head moved away an inch.
“Yeah. Crazy Sadie. Sweet Sadie. Funny Sadie. And my favorite, the Sadie who just let me fuck her the way I wanted and she got off on it, even more than me.”
Someone, please tell me he did not just say that.
My eyes narrowed.
“I did not get off on it more than you.”
This time he smiled and it was his wicked smile, so, even though I was angry, my belly still melted at the sight.
“You did,” he said.
“I did not,” I retorted.
His hands started moving on me and his mouth came back to mine, not to kiss me but instead he murmured against my lips, “Mamita, don’t you think I can feel you? You’re so wet, you’re slick. You feel like silk. You came hard, you always come hard. I know it, I can feel it. When you do, you get so fuckin’ tight…”
Oh my God!
Even as his words were turning me on (yes, again!), I interrupted him.
“You think a lot of yourself, Hector Chavez,” I snapped, lifting my hands to push at his shoulders, he moved away a few inches but his smile got bigger, whiter and far more glamorous.
“Yeah, and you do too.”
I gasped, outraged.
He bit his lip, watching me then said, “I see I got Attitude Sadie now.” Then his head bent and he nuzzled my neck. “I like her too.”
Rock Chick Regret Page 38
