by Laura Scott
When her kids were in middle school and high school, Amy found herself with more time during the day. She started to sell a product line from home and became very successful. She began to realize that she could support herself without Tom. She later had a hysterectomy and had severe complications from the procedure, which required several corrective surgeries. Despite her ill health, her husband insisted that she work in the backyard and maintain the house. And in the midst of the surgeries, when she was not feeling well, he also forced her to have sex with him one night. It was a snapping point for Amy. She asked Tom to accompany her to marriage counseling, but the pleas were ignored. She waited a year until she was well, and then she moved out.
While Tom begged her to come back, he maintained that there was nothing wrong with him, that all of the issues were in her head. When Amy realized that no apologies would accompany his pleas to have her back, she decided to see if she could make it on her own. It hurt like hell, and she faced a good deal of displeasure from her then-college-aged kids, but she simply could not go back.
THE LEFT
The person who has been left was likely aware of signs, blowups, or weird things said, but they may still be stunned by their partner’s decision. They know that there are problems, but they are committed to the marriage. They may have had disappointments of their own, but were getting what they needed or, alternatively, perceived marriage as a permanent state. Splitting up is not an option. They usually still love the person who is leaving. The partner left behind may think or hope that their spouse will come back, and will wait to see what happens, possibly anticipating the return of their partner. A part of them believes that the spouse cannot survive without them. They may do all of the things that the partner had asked, hoping that the partner returns. The left may become highly sexual with the leaver, hoping to regain the relationship.
It’s stunning to the left that they have no voice or power with their separated spouse. The person left behind may be unaware of the depth of the hurt that the leaver has suffered, and likewise, the leaver may not comprehend fully the damage they’ll leave behind.
The reality is that both spouses may see themselves as the one who has been wronged. Every situation is unique.
DENIAL ISN’T JUST A PLACE IN EGYPT
You know what bothers your partner. Now that they’ve left, you may clean up your act and hope they return. You may keep to your shared routines, just in case they come back. You may leave the door unlocked or open, metaphorically or not. You may be so scared of the unknown that you would trade anything for what used to be, even if the way it used to be wasn’t great. The future without your partner may be unimaginable.
CLUES
Before the bomb fell, did you notice changes in your partner? Did your partner make declarations about their future or start talking about what they want? Did your partner suddenly have a problem with your behavior or appear distracted? Or maybe you recall your partner starting a fight out of the blue? If any of this sounds familiar, your partner was probably experimenting with emotionally distancing themselves from you. Those partners who follow this approach often start with condemnations of their partner’s behavior, lots of sighing, and basically acting odd, followed by phases of acting normally.
The partner starting to pull away may lose a good deal of weight (the average weight loss during divorce is thirty pounds), change their hair, and/or buy new clothes. They may begin to go out and not tell you where they are going. It’s quite common for the leaver to tell you that they think they never loved you or question why they got married at all.
Caroline, a thirty-six-year-old stay-at-home mother of three children, said: “I couldn’t believe it when my husband of fourteen years left, but announced that he was moving down the street so that he could see the kids. I knew we had problems, but who didn’t? He wouldn’t give me his apartment number or the address or name of the apartments, because he said he was afraid I would come to look for him. What were we going to tell the neighbors, our families? Why did this happen to me after being so faithful to him for fourteen years? What did I do?”
GAME CHANGER
To say that divorce is a game changer is an understatement. It doesn’t just affect the person who is leaving. Divorce affects the whole family (although the leaver may not be willing to admit this or see it, initially). It changes everything financially, emotionally, and geographically in every other single area of your life. People travel this journey at their own pace and find different ways to work through the changes. It’s a complicated set of resources that you will need to navigate this path, no matter if you are the leaver or the one left behind.
Emily shares: “I was in a car accident and the air bag hit me. I got out of the car and sat by the side of the road. I felt nothing; I guess I was in shock. Even when the gash in my skin really began to bleed, I still couldn’t feel anything. The police and emergency services came, and then after an hour or so, I began to hurt where I had been injured.” Deep shocks to the psyche, like the ending of a marriage, or even a separation, are not so different from a physical injury. It takes a while to play out. You may hear your ex has a new lover, or understand that he or she has moved out, but at first you are numb. It has no meaning. In a couple of days or weeks, strong emotions may start to emerge in response to the news, but not at first. This is normal.
You’re likely to feel a number of emotions when you first realize you’re headed for divorce. We’ll talk about those in the next chapter.
CHAPTER 2
Victim of Love: The Five Stages of Grief
There are five stages of grieving that people experience after a loss such as divorce. Both the leaver and the person left behind will go through the stages of grieving during a separation and divorce. You might experience the phases of grieving in order, but they do not always occur in order. You may experience a small amount of one stage of grieving briefly, but another stage for a longer period of time and more intensely. Every person and situation is different.
You don’t have to do anything to trigger these five stages of grief; they just happen as you are processing the loss of a love or the pain of divorce. Since it’s a process, however, if you can recognize what stage you are in and be aware of how you are feeling, it may help. There is no prescribed time frame for when you will feel what, or how long each stage will last.
Many authors have written about the five stages of grief. If you wish to learn more, please seek additional information; it’s a big topic and only highlighted in this book.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross first authored the five stages of grief. The stages, popularly known by the acronym DABDA, are:
DENIAL
The person left behind is unable to admit that the relationship is over. They may continue to seek the former partner’s attention. Usually the person who is left is the one in denial. He or she thinks, “This cannot be happening to me.” This person believes that if they can wait it out, the relationship will return to normal.
ANGER
Anger is a part of most divorces. The partner left behind may blame the departing partner, or themselves. Once they realize that their partner may not be coming back, they become angry. During this stage, it’s common to think: “Why me?” “This isn’t fair!” “Who is to blame here?” “Why would God let this happen to me?” “Why? Why? Why?” The person going through a separation or divorce might want to strike out or to get even somehow. They usually stop playing nice at this point in the separation. This is a natural response—it’s normal to feel really angry.
The leaver will also express long-held anger at the left; they can be quite nasty for a while. It’s a part of the process of ending the marriage.
BARGAINING
The partner left behind may plead with a departing partner for another chance, promising that the reasons behind the breakup won’t happen again. They will tell the departing partner: “I can change, please give me a chance.” Or they may attempt to renegotiate the terms of the relations
hip. Someone who would never go to counseling before the threat of divorce may suddenly be willing to go to couple’s therapy to save the marriage.
The person may be willing to do anything to avoid the reality of the separation and impending divorce.
DEPRESSION
The partner left behind, as well as the partner who is leaving, is grieving the loss of the marriage. Both will feel very discouraged about everything for a period of time. This is a part of any significant loss. The left feels that all attempts at bargaining did not convince the other partner to stay. Thoughts such as “I am so sad!” or “Why bother with anything?” are common at this stage. It’s like being in a cave: very dark, dreary, and continuous. Remember that this stage, like the others, will pass.
ACCEPTANCE
The partner finally abandons all efforts to renew the relationship. “I can’t fight it, I may as well prepare for it.” “It’s inevitable.” “It will be okay.” In this last stage, individuals embrace an unknown future. At this point in the acceptance process, most people have a more “Zen” view of their divorce as well as their life in general.
WHY IT’S NATURAL TO GRIEVE
While the five stages of grief were first developed to understand how a person processes the reality of impending death, the stages also apply to other serious losses. When your marriage ends, you will grieve. You do not have to do anything to make it happen. The gut-wrenching cry will come out eventually. There will be times when grief might overwhelm you and other times when you might not feel anything. This book recommends that you allow yourself to experience loss so that you can live again.
One thing to know is that grief cannot kill you, although it can stress you out considerably. A divorce is in many ways like a death. A significant person is removed from your everyday life, except for—in some cases—brief contact about kids or at social occasions. People do survive the loss of a spouse, and so can you.
Caleb, a forty-three-year-old mechanical engineer with two preteen girls, had been left by his wife over the Christmas holiday. He was participating in a divorce recovery class and said: “It’s like she died to me. There’s not really any difference. I hear about her, but I haven’t actually seen her in months.”
THE WHY NOTS
You will speculate about how things could have been different—the “why nots.” This is perfectly normal and part of the separation/divorce process. It’s not unusual to be haunted by fears that you could have done something better, or something more to save your marriage. It’s normal to do some soul-searching and try to figure out what happened—to dissect the relationship from every angle.
Divorce presents so many reasons to be hard on yourself: If only I hadn’t gained weight or if only I had made more money, been a better parent, been better in bed, been more of what my partner needed.
One approach is to get out a blank piece of paper and make a list of your “why nots” or what you think you might have done to create the situation and contribute to the challenges you and your partner experienced. It’s a great way to work through your thoughts and perhaps learn something about yourself. If you’re lucky, you might be able to begin to leave some of your concerns behind on the page.
BLOCKS TO HEALING
Watch out for obstacles that can block the emotional healing of successfully moving through divorce. There are two ways that people block grieving. They tackle it, in an attempt to knock it down, like a football player, for fear of hurting too much, or they emotionally distance themselves from parts of their life, which stops the grieving process.
One thing is for certain: You cannot ignore grief; it will not go away. Even if it’s hard, make the commitment to open up. It may hurt intensely, but you will heal faster if you accept your feelings.
If you see your ex or are thinking about them, allow your mind to linger on it rather than shutting it off like a tap or getting so distant from everyone and everything that you no longer feel anything. It’s okay to still feel something for them; allowing yourself to process those feelings will help you heal the grief.
EMOTIONAL BOOT CAMP
Although you might try, you cannot will yourself to feel better.
Roger owns an appliance repair store; he is forty-five, divorced, and shares custody of his two daughters with his ex-wife. Roger is well-liked, bright, and can quickly diagnose problems for his customers. He has dated but hasn’t hit it off with anyone. When friends or family suggest to him that he might miss his wife, he protests: “It’s over! Why does everyone ask me about it? She asked me for a divorce, and I moved out the next day. I refuse to think about it. Who cares?” Roger is an active participant in “emotional boot camp.”
Emotional boot camp is like a liquid bandage: it stops the pain immediately. Some people who are divorcing get to the point where enough is enough and it’s time to move on. They make a decision to get over the failed relationship and do not allow themselves to engage in the grieving process. They shut out thoughts of their ex-partner. Life is a boot camp and they are going to survive, no matter what it takes.
The problem with this approach is that it’s practically impossible to will away the part of your life that was your marriage. If the instinct to be really tough on yourself takes over, just realize that it can work against you in the long run. Trying to pretend otherwise can work against you. It’s best to mourn your loss and allow yourself to process the feelings that surface, because you cannot just skip it. The grief will stay with you and needs to be allowed to come out.
If you do find yourself cutting off any feelings of grief, consider seeing a counselor or enrolling in a divorce recovery class to find out how you are really feeling. It’s important to have a safe place to work through the grief.
HOW GRIEF WORKS BACKWARD
Misunderstanding how grief works can also block emotional progress. This statement may seem strange, but it is true.
Grief works backward.
If you go back in time and allow yourself to remember your spouse, things that they said, or how good they smelled, or some of the good times you had together, it will help you to move on. In measured doses, revisiting the past—looking at wedding photos and pictures of family, for example—can evoke strong emotions that can help you heal.
Grieving is one of the most important gifts you can give yourself, but it doesn’t use a stopwatch.
Taking the time to really experience what happened to you and what you lost is the best ointment for a broken heart. It will hurt to think about the way things were, and it takes a courageous person to do it. But it’s a solid path to getting on with your life.
Be gentle with yourself, and when you want to just “get over it and move on,” give yourself time to go through the multifaceted process of mourning the loss of a love. It really does work if you can “go backward” to remember and embrace who you were and what you have lost.
CHAPTER 3
Your Swimming Pool
Think of your life as a swimming pool and your community, your home, your job, your church, your friends, your children, and your spouse as layers of water combining to fill the pool. You may rely on one layer more than another at a given time, but the main thing that fills up your swimming pool is your spouse. They are a part of most everything that you do. Your life, your social activities, your finances, and even your meals are spent with or centered around that person.
When one person leaves, initially, both spouses are faced with an empty or almost-empty swimming pool. The people who weather a divorce best are those who can find new layers to fill up their swimming pool. One of the points of this book is to give you ideas on how to refill your swimming pool. You can fill your pool by trying new activities, developing an interest in a previous hobby or talent you possess, spending time with your friends and community, or starting a new relationship. Some of the new layers of your swimming pool may be short-term, some others may be long-term. The water may change a lot for a period of time and that’s okay. You are being given the opp
ortunity to refill your swimming pool with whatever will work for you.
One of the hallmarks of success after separation and divorce is being able to make connections to fill up your empty swimming pool to survive and to eventually thrive.
Bridget, a forty-five-year-old junior college teacher with two elementary-school-aged boys, shares: “I filled up my pool with the support I gained in a divorce recovery class, where I made three friends right off the bat who were going through the same thing I was. I also added water by learning how to play the guitar and reminding myself that I had a singing voice that was good enough to win me a scholarship to college. I did read a lot, and I ironed every single piece of cotton clothing in my house. I also walked the greenbelt behind my house for miles and miles with my dog. And I listened to music and cried on the weekends when I didn’t have the kids. I found a great place that played live music on Thursday nights and found a new friend to go with every week. I didn’t date for a year; instead, I used that time to cultivate my relationship with my kids, redid their rooms, and spent a lot of time figuring out how to cook since my ex had done all of the cooking. I learned to enjoy shopping for food and cooking things that I liked. I watched my children like a momma bear who was protective of her cubs, keeping them engaged with board games. I also got rid of all of my underwear because I just had to do that and wanted anyone new that might come into my life to see underwear that no one had ever seen before. I sold several pieces of jewelry that were presents from my ex-husband on eBay. And I burned anything I didn’t need, like old bills and clothes that had belonged to my ex.”
