But three days off was probably the best thing she could wish for right now. Since being back on the boat she’d felt weird. It wasn’t just the longing looks at Ethan and the ones right back at her from him, she felt physically exhausted and queasy and just...strange. She figured what she needed was space. From him. From this. From her thoughts, really.
The end of the shift eventually dragged within her grasp and after writing up all her notes she climbed the metal steps and stepped out onto the deck. The gentle breeze billowed her jacket and she tugged it close, wishing it was Ethan’s arms around her and then berating herself. Because what part of freedom and adventure was falling for a guy who was walking off this ship and heading straight to his comfort place without her?
Her stomach roiled and she clutched the railing, hauling greedy gulps of fresh air deep into her lungs.
Did sexual frustration give you nausea?
‘Hey.’ It was Kristina, carrying two mugs of steaming coffee. She offered one to Claire. ‘I hope you don’t mind me bringing this over. I saw you from the galley and wondered if you might need a debrief. Or a hot drink. Or both.’
‘Thanks.’ Claire took a sip of coffee and felt her stomach turn over. Holding her cup against her chest, she grimaced. ‘Maybe water might be better.’
‘Everything okay? Only you’re holding onto the rail as if it’s a life raft.’
She just couldn’t shift this gnawing ache in her belly. ‘I don’t know. Do you think it’s normal for seasickness to keep coming back?’
‘You’re not feeling well?’
‘A little queasy and my head feels mushy, like I have to work hard to concentrate. Must be seasickness, right?’
‘Claire, this is the calmest sea we’ve sailed on.’ Kristina used her cup to indicate the flat turquoise water, with barely any waves, just the gentle swell from the ship’s wake. Her friend’s eyes narrowed a little as she smiled kindly. ‘Maybe there’s another reason why you feel sick?’
Claire shrugged. ‘Food poisoning? A bug? It must be a bug I just can’t shake. There’s been enough people on and off this boat, I could have caught it from anyone.’
‘Sure. But no one else has a stomach bug.’ There was something else in Kristina’s eyes. She was looking at Claire the knowing way a woman looked at another woman. ‘But maybe you’re right. Maybe it’s...something else entirely?’
What did she mean?
Then the penny dropped. Claire’s stomach tightened and her heart rate thudded. When was her period due?
If she was honest, being on the ship she hadn’t paid any attention to her regular routine but surely it was due any time around now. Everything had been turned upside down, including her heart. She checked the calendar on her phone. She was late. Three. Days. Late. She stared at the little boxes of dates on her screen and breathed out, hoping this was a mistake or a nightmare, that this wasn’t happening. When she looked up Kristina was still there, smiling softly.
‘No,’ Claire said, a little more vehemently than she’d intended. She couldn’t be pregnant. Couldn’t. ‘It’s not that. Honestly. I’ve got a few cramps now, actually. A bit of PMT too.’
Which may explain the weird mood swings, nausea, sore boobs. Yes. Sore boobs now she thought about it. Definitely PMT.
‘Uh-huh. Okay.’ Kristina put her hand on Claire’s back. ‘It’s none of my business, but if you want to talk or anything I’m here.’
‘Thanks. Just the change of routine, right? That happens.’ They’d used protection.
Kristina nodded. ‘It certainly does.’
Pregnant?
No. No. No. No. No. Claire briefly squeezed her eyes closed and forced the threat of tears away. ‘No. It’s fine. I’m not...you know.’ She couldn’t say the word out loud. ‘I’m sure of it. I can’t be.’
Luckily Kristina was a mind-reader. ‘Okay, as long as you’re sure.’
It had been one time. Once. ‘Please don’t say anything to Chase or anyone else.’
‘Of course not. It’s none of my business.’ Kristina’s eyes flicked to the place where Chase sat every evening and she looked torn by loyalties. ‘But I have to say this as a friend and a medic, so bear with me. If you ever were pregnant you’d have to tell him as soon as you knew for sure, because there’s too much of a risk to you and the baby here. You know how it is—it can be dangerous if we hit stormy seas and you get thrown about, plus infection, diseases...’
Kristina was right. If she really was pregnant then her job would be over. This adventure. Excitement. Freedom.
God. Freedom with a baby in tow. It just wouldn’t be possible. ‘I’m fairly sure women have been pregnant on a ship before.’
‘They have, and we’d look after you, but I don’t know about being on a rescue ship, Claire.’ Kristina smiled, her voice soft in the same way she spoke to traumatised patients. ‘Do you want to do a test just to make sure?’
‘No. It’s fine. It’s probably too early anyway.’ Claire pressed her palm to her belly—as flat as a pancake. If she concentrated hard she could feel soft cramps, right? Her period would start in the next day or so; she was just late. ‘I won’t be. Seriously, I can’t be. I want this job too much. I have a whole new life ahead of me.’
Not in me. Please.
‘Okay. Remember that I’m here to talk to.’ Kristina nodded, gathered both cups into her hands then started to walk away. ‘Any time.’
‘Thanks, I know.’ At least there wasn’t any judgement there. Not like she’d get if she went home with her tail between her legs and a baby in her belly after all her talk of escape. How would she face her ex then? And her parents?
It couldn’t happen. She stared out at the beautiful calm sea that stretched for miles and miles, and the excitement she usually felt at the view didn’t even register. Now all she saw was distance between her and everything she wanted to do.
Impossible. Claire shuddered and turned away from the water, her head reeling with shock. She needed to get her thoughts around this on her own. Luckily Fatima was still working so Claire would have the cabin to herself to think, rest, hope. She marched across the deck, but a sandy head appeared at the top of the metal steps she was about to descend.
No. Her heart twisted. She couldn’t deal with Ethan now. Not with this. What would he think? What would he say? A pregnancy would scatter everything they both wanted to the four winds. They hadn’t planned for that. But he was heading up the steps towards her and she couldn’t turn and walk away without looking rude or inviting further questions.
She raised her eyebrows in salutation, trying to be polite and calm when inside she was a panicking mess. If she had his baby then she’d always have a connection to him wherever he was—and it likely wouldn’t be with her, probably not even in the same hemisphere, but he would always be in her heart and in her head. She’d never be able to forget him or put him down as a fun fling, not with this kind of consequence.
Even so, his smile warmed her as he stopped near the top of the steps. ‘Claire. Hi. How’s your day going?’
To total crap. Worrying about whether I have your child inside me. ‘Oh, you know. Busy.’
‘You okay?’ He frowned and little lines formed round his eyes. He had sleep creases on his cheek as if he’d not long woken up. And the thought of him being in bed made her upset stomach feel a little more giddy.
She grabbed the stair rail just for something to hold onto that wasn’t him. ‘I’m fine, thanks. Why?’
‘You seem tense.’
Perceptive. Her blood pressure was probably reaching crisis point. What should she say? Anything? Nothing until she knew for sure? A pregnancy test might not be accurate right now and she didn’t want a false positive to put them both into a tailspin. It wasn’t fair to push them into a situation neither of them wanted until she had definite information.
So she stuck with wo
rk stuff. ‘We had a guy with a nasty fever earlier. We managed to bring it down but I don’t know for how long. Hope it turns out to be nothing. I know you mainly deal with the kids, but if you get a chance could you look in on him? He’s called Fuaad.’
‘Sure. There’s a very hazy line here. I do what’s needed regardless of the patient’s age.’ A little frown line appeared on Ethan’s forehead. ‘You seem upset. Is something wrong? Did something bad happen?’
Bad? The thought of being pregnant was insane. She shook her head. ‘I thought you were rostered on the early shift with me, so I was confused when Kristina turned up. She said you’d swapped to night duty now.’
‘Ah.’ He shoved his fingers through his hair. ‘I should have said something to you before. Chase said he was short of night staff and I thought, Why not?’
‘So it’s nothing to do with...’ She hesitated. ‘Us?’ Trying not to think that us may well be more than just the two of them.
He slowly blew out a breath. ‘I thought we could do with some space. You know, the trigger thing. Just a precaution.’
‘Sure. Of course. Good idea.’ So it was because of her. Her heart fisted tight in her chest. His eyes roamed her face, first her eyes then her mouth, and heat spread through her, making her already uneven heartbeat jitter and thump. How could she feel upset and turned on at the same time?
His frown deepened. ‘I’m thinking you don’t agree.’
‘I do. We talked about it. It’s fine.’ It wasn’t fine. Truth was, she felt immeasurably shaken and she needed to get away for some headspace. But he was putting so much space between them it would never be breached and she was trying to work out how to tell him she might need that space breached—for the rest of their lives.
He was doing that half-smile thing and his words were at odds with his eyes and with the kiss. And all she wanted was to kiss him. But she didn’t and he kept on talking. ‘Because if we don’t rein things in we’ll both be out of a job and bang goes that freedom and adventure you’re having.’
‘I see. Right.’ Her throat felt raw. The job could well be on the line anyway because of giving in to her foolish desires. She stepped aside to let him come up to the top step, then started to go down. ‘Got to go. Have a good shift.’
But his hand went to her back and he turned her to face him. ‘Hey. I thought it was what you wanted. Why are you dashing off?’
‘Heading for a shower then some rest.’ Tears were threatening so she hurried down the stairs. Just giving you the space you want.
CHAPTER EIGHT
ETHAN DROPPED HIS bag at the hotel reception desk and waited to check in, watching Fatima, Kristina and Claire in the line ahead of him, laughing. But Claire turned and when she saw him she smiled, giving an eye roll that seemed to say, This place, eh?
Did she think it was dangerous to be here, the way he did? The next few days were going to be torture if he couldn’t touch her—and he couldn’t. He’d stepped back and he was going to stay on the right side of that line for both of their sakes.
Claire said something to Fatima and Kristina and they nodded and wandered towards the lift, then she came over to him.
There had been a group lunch down at the marina to kill time before check-in and he’d managed to sit at a different end of the table to her, but now she was impossible to avoid. She smiled warily and he knew it was his fault she felt she had to tiptoe around him after their conversation yesterday. But swapping shifts had seemed the best course of action if they were going to get out of this assignment unscathed. ‘Hey, Ethan. I...er... I’m sorry I ducked off so quickly yesterday, I was knackered.’
‘Understandable. It’s been chaotic these last few days.’ After the way they’d once melted into each other’s arms he hated the stiff politeness between them now but it had to be done, especially here where the spectre of that lift and the sex hung over them. ‘Fuaad said to say thank you for looking after him.’
She brightened and some of the stiffness melted. ‘He’s okay now?’’
‘His temperature’s still very labile but he’s being transferred to Marseille hospital and hopefully they’ll find out what’s wrong with him.’
‘Just a weird bug then?’
‘Probably some kind of systemic tropical infection. You see it a lot in Africa.’
Something slid across her eyes. Fear? ‘Do you think it’s contagious?’
‘Depends what it is. I assume we all used the right infection control protocols?’
‘Of course.’ She ran her hand across her belly and frowned. ‘I was just wondering if we could find out the specific diagnosis.’
‘We’ll probably never find out. Once they leave our care we generally don’t get to see them again, unless they come back to work with us, like Akil and Fatima did. I’ll do some digging, though, if you’re worried.’
‘It would be good to know what we were dealing with.’ She bit her bottom lip. ‘For future reference, you know. So we can spot the symptoms more quickly next time.’
There was more to it, he thought, but didn’t know what. Maybe this was her first contact with such an illness. ‘Are you feeling better? You seemed on edge yesterday.’
‘I’ll be fine once I get my legs to work properly. Ship lag again.’ She gave a mock stumble and her smile was as wobbly as her legs. ‘You?’
‘As good as I can be.’ He rolled his eyes, the way she had. This place, eh?
‘Oh. Because you’re in France? Of course.’ Then she looked across the foyer and smiled that sexy smile that had every part of him straining for her. ‘And the lift?’
‘All of the above.’ There were many things here to make him uneasy, not least the memories of pleasure and pain.
He took his key card from the manager and wandered towards the door to the stairwell, preparing his weary legs for the climb to the eleventh floor and hoping the prospect of exercise might make her step away. Then he wouldn’t be so tempted to put a Do Not Disturb sign on the lift, crawl in there with her and have a repeat run.
He’d never ever believed he’d be craving to crawl into a tight space like that again.
But Claire was still by his side. ‘Just wanted to mention that the girls and I are going out shopping, but then we’re heading to a restaurant in the marina for dinner. Do you want to come? I think Chase will be there, and Akil and some of the crew, so you wouldn’t be outnumbered by women.’
Chase, who had sat silently throughout the lunch and who had disappeared before anyone could invite him out later. Wise man. ‘I’ve had no sleep. I’m just going to hit the sack and see what time I wake up.’
‘Should I text you the name of the restaurant?’ Brighter eyes. Hopeful smile.
‘Sure.’
Her smile wavered. ‘You won’t come, though, will you?’
‘I don’t know.’
Trouble was, he wanted to. Everything about spending three glorious days with Claire appealed, but after their kiss he knew he was getting in too deep and he could see she was too. If him swapping shifts had upset her then she’d be even more affected when they said goodbye at the end. This was her fun adventure and he didn’t want to turn it sour, so it was better to haul up that barrier to protect them both from hurt further down the line.
He said his goodbyes and ran up the stairs. The shades were down. The sheets were cool. And he tried to sleep.
But sleep wasn’t coming any time soon and he tossed and turned and tried to get rid of the images flicking through his head like an old movie reel; the lift, her smile, snow, blackness, her smile...
Or maybe he did sleep because he found himself waking with a start in the darkened room. Nine forty-two. He’d slept the afternoon away and half of the evening, and had missed dinner. And she was probably thinking he’d done that to avoid her.
Had he? He’d been intent on keeping Claire at arm’s length, but in dist
ancing himself from Claire he’d inadvertently removed himself from his team—which was never a good thing to do. Camaraderie was important on missions like this and group outings usually enhanced team spirit.
He imagined them all out at dinner and wondered whether he should just lighten up and join them; Claire laughing, little glances in Ethan’s direction. The excruciating pain of desire, and not being able to touch her. Fatima making everyone’s conversation easier with her knowledge of so many languages and slick interpretation skills. Akil the joker. Kristina with her solid calm. And possibly Chase.
Chase sitting a little distant from them all, watching and not saying much, as was his style. He hadn’t always been like that. Once he’d been fiery and forthright. He’d been assertive bordering on aggressive in his competitiveness. He’d been a fierce friend to Nick and a hard adversary to be around.
By isolating himself in his room, had he been avoiding the possibility of getting closer to Chase too? Of finally breaking down the barriers that were so huge between them?
Claire had said he should. Was it even possible?
It never seemed so on the ship, but maybe it was possible now they were back in France, where it had all begun. And ended. And perhaps, if they managed to speak about any of it, they could both move forward.
Ethan looked up at the ceiling, but instead of seeing the hotel light fitting he saw rubble and wires and darkness.
Black. Cold. Ice. The beat to his life these past years.
Stop. He sat up and flicked the lights on. It has to stop.
Was this what filled Chase’s thoughts as he sat alone on the deck? Was this what walked through his dreams, his life? Was this what he wore as armour every single day, fuelling every thought and action and tainting everything? Because if the future was going to be all this on repeat, Ethan didn’t want any part of it.
Saved by Their One-Night Baby Page 11
