‘You can’t choose? You can’t tell them where you want to go?’ You can’t give it up for us?
‘I go where I’m needed.’
I need you. A lump formed in her throat and she could barely force the words out. ‘Eight hundred and how many lives?’
‘Nine hundred and seven now.’
‘Isn’t that enough? When will you stop, Ethan?’ But she knew the answer. It would never be enough for him. She sighed as her heart was crushed. ‘Just don’t disappear into the middle of nowhere and pretend we don’t exist.’
He ran his thumb over her lip and gave her that half-smile she loved so much. ‘I won’t. This is my child and I’ll be there.’
He didn’t promise, though, she noted. He didn’t swear on his grave or profess absolute certainty. And, oh, she could have let herself get carried away by the passion in his eyes. He believed it. Right now he truly did. But she couldn’t believe him. Running away was all he’d known.
* * *
Ethan watched Claire’s hesitant steps down the gangway. Every part of him wanted to call out to her that he wanted her. But she knew that. She knew he wanted her, he just couldn’t give her what she needed.
When she stepped onto the dock she wobbled a little and he started to run along the deck to get to her, to pick her up and bring her back to him. But she rallied and walked confidently towards port security. His heart willed her to look back, just once, so he could see her beautiful face. Although it had been committed to memory over and over when he’d gazed at her during their lovemaking. When he’d watched her laughing, seen the enchantment in her eyes as he’d described all the places he’d been to.
As if she knew he was watching, she turned, shielding her eyes from the sun. She scanned the ship, stopped as her gaze caught his. He raised his hand in a wave but she turned away and disappeared into the port buildings.
She was gone. Gone because he’d made her leave and she probably hated him for that too. His heart was wrung out and his chest felt as if something was crushing it. The way it had felt all those years ago when a building had collapsed on his ribs, only this time the pressure was from inside and he couldn’t push it away. It stole his breath, clamped his gut and made his throat raw with bile.
He’d see her again; he’d make sure of it, because there was no way he’d walk away from his child. But holding her, kissing her?
That was a dream that had evaporated the moment he’d realised just how much he cared for her and that she was falling just as hard for him. Whatever else happened, he needed to make sure he protected her and that meant keeping her at arm’s length, for her own sake. He couldn’t let her fall further for someone who was chasing promises made long ago, making up for lives lost, making his life count for something. Making up for Nick, Liam, Mac and Johnny. Making up to Chase. He couldn’t let her love someone who couldn’t let go of the past no matter how much it cost him.
But judging by the single tear she hadn’t prevented trickling down her cheek as she’d clung to him one last time, she’d already started to care for him. That had to stop right now, and making her leave was the best first step.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
MEDICANE FRANCIS WAS worse than expected. Gusts of over ninety-five miles an hour and freezing, torrential rain meant the ship rocked and rolled and pitched, and for three days they could barely tell which way was up and which was down.
But Ethan didn’t care. For him it was a perfect storm. Cold. Wet. Loss. All over again. And there was nothing he could do about it, stuck here on a moving target, battered and bruised and trying to administer medical care to people pummelled by flying debris, soaked through and seasick.
Rain lashed sideways across the deck and he clipped himself onto the rope, trying to keep upright as he did a check on his huddled passengers. The last boatload they’d picked up were in reasonable health. Trying to keep them dry was futile, but he didn’t want hypothermia to hit.
‘This is one hell of a downpour,’ Akil shouted, even though he was standing right next to Ethan, head dipped against the lashing gale. ‘Your girl got off just in time.’
My girl. Right. ‘She’s not my girl.’
‘Hmm. Could have sworn there was something there. My mistake.’ Akil’s eternal optimism and cheekiness was wearing thin today. ‘Hey, don’t look so glum, mate. Plenty more fish in the sea.’
He didn’t want anyone else. And he couldn’t bear the thought of anyone else touching her. Hadn’t been able to stomach that idea since chasing off that leech in the bar on the first night. He said something to Akil that he’d probably regret later and went to find some quiet, if not any peace.
It was his turn to be alone on the deck, and embrace the blackness as it shrouded them. Where was she now? Had she reached her home? How had her parents reacted? Had she bumped into her ex? How was the baby?
He tried to imagine a life without them in it and he was lost. But, then, he’d been lost a long time.
He missed her. He missed her so much he could barely breathe.
He picked up a coil of rope and started to practise his knots to keep his hands busy and to calm his brain with a repetitive action. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been there when something moved in his peripheral vision and Chase was sliding down the rail to sit next to him. ‘Is it okay...?’
‘Sure. Take a pew. It’s your ship.’ Truly, the last thing he needed was a chat with Chase, but luckily they hadn’t strayed into anything personal since that night at the bar. Hopefully they could sit and brood in companionable silence.
That lasted for about two minutes then Chase inhaled deeply and said, ‘You seem a bit lost these days, Reid. I know we haven’t exactly got along but if there’s anything I can do...’ His voice trailed off, but Ethan understood the sentiment. And clearly straying into personal territory was going to happen, whether he liked it or not.
‘It’s fine. Thanks.’
Chase nodded, didn’t look at him. ‘Do you love her?’
This wasn’t the kind of thing they talked about, this was next level stuff nudging them from old adversaries to colleagues and now to...confidants? That was a huge step. But he was grateful for the chance to say out loud some of the stuff that was going round in his head, driving him half-mad. ‘Hell, Chase, I don’t know. I can’t stop thinking about her. I can’t stop imagining a future with her and it half scares me and excites me at the same time. But love? That’s a big ask.’
‘I know. But maybe you do?’
Love? He’d never known what it felt like. But if it felt like you had pieces of you missing when you weren’t with the person, or that your whole world was better just seeing them smile, then maybe.
He just missed her, right? He just needed to get used to thinking purely about himself again. He just needed to find someone for random sex, like before...before he’d ever met Claire.
But the thought of anything intimate with someone other than Claire made him feel colder than the cruel wind buffeting them in the Mediterranean.
He didn’t want anyone else. He wanted Claire.
It hit him hard. Yes, he loved her and probably had from the moment he’d lifted his head over that menu and watched her in the bar. She made him want to stop chasing halfway round the world, as his world had become her and the child she was carrying. A family?
Hell. That was something he’d never have thought possible and now it was all he could think about. ‘Yes. I do love her.’
‘Does she love you?’
She liked him, he knew that. She kissed him like she was drowning in him. Little things—attention, glances, caring, her eyes that had looked so haunted and bereft as she’d left. But maybe that had been for the end of her dream? ‘I don’t know.’
‘Go to her. Find out.’
‘I can’t. You need me here.’
‘Is that what you want me to say? You want me to stop y
ou?’ Chase shook his head. ‘You said you can’t stop thinking about her. I don’t want anyone on this ship who isn’t one hundred per cent focused.’
If he went to her he couldn’t do this and he had to do this. He’d made a solemn promise. ‘I’ll focus.’
Chase nodded. ‘If you’re so keen to come back then you can, when your head’s in the right space. There’s always a place for you here.’
‘Because I owe you more, right?’
‘No, you don’t owe me anything. Except maybe to take a chance on something good when it comes your way, and start living. Maybe this is what your second chance is all about.’
Ethan ran the rope through his fingers, feeling the rough edges of splayed cord. If he ran the rope fast enough his palm would grow red and hot. He wanted to feel that burn as a physical ache rather than the one inside his heart. ‘But what about Nick?’
‘It’s not about Nick, it’s about you. You have to live a life worth something. That’s all.’ Now Chase turned his eyes on him, full glare. ‘Having a family is a pretty good example of that, don’t you think?’
Yes. But could he do that? Could he stop? Could he be enough as a father and a husband? Maybe he already was.
Reality hit him. He was just like all those refugees he saved; fleeing from something dark, trying to find something better, to be safe. But the truth was the darkness was inside him and the only light he’d ever felt had been when he’d been with Claire. Maybe it was time to stop running and tether himself to something good, something bright and light.
And just like all those poor souls, he had to take a risk. He dropped the rope and turned to Chase. ‘How soon can you get me off here?’
Five days later...
‘Élisabeth, run in and get a book, I’ll read you a story.’
Claire sat on the veranda, looking out over the ancient village, which was bathed in a dusky pink glow. It had been a hot spring day and there was still warmth in the dying rays. She leaned back in the chair and relished being dry and not endlessly rocking.
And then her heart clenched as she wondered how they’d all managed through the reported storm of the century. How Ethan had managed, mostly. Because he was, always, the first and only person she thought of. For all the good it did it her. She hadn’t heard a thing other than news reports but, then, she hadn’t expected to hear from him. He was true to type, she gave him that. She only wished things could be different.
Her mother came out to check on her for the millionth time that day. ‘Are you sure you’re okay to read to her while I sort out dinner?’
‘Oui, Maman.’
Her mother put her palm to Claire’s cheek and smiled. ‘I love you and I know you’re not happy to be here, but we’re happy to see you. And we’re happy about your news.’ Her parents’ excitement about their first grandchild had almost overwhelmed her. It was good to know she was loved unconditionally regardless of anything she did, and Claire knew she’d feel the same about her little one.
He’ll miss so much. But that was Ethan’s choice. She’d get to see everything first-hand: first breath, first steps, first smile. And all the while wishing he was here and aching for him because she wanted him to know what it felt like to be loved and how wonderful it could be to give your heart and love to someone else.
And, selfishly, she wanted to be loved by him.
She took a breath and blew the hurt away. ‘I am happy about the baby, Maman. Honestly.’
‘Becassine!’ Élisabeth came running out of the house and threw the book onto Claire’s lap. How appropriate. A comic strip about a naive girl who had countless adventures. And who didn’t get pregnant in any of them. Claire smiled wryly. ‘Come sit still.’
She started to turn the pages, but her little sister was restless and kept looking down the huge limestone steps that wove through the village. ‘Élisabeth, I can’t read if you’re going to wiggle. It’s like being back on the ship.’ Where her heart was, with him. She’d left a piece of herself there in his hands.
Her sister sat up straight and pointed down the hill. ‘Who’s that man? Why is he staring at you?’
‘Which ma...?’ Claire’s voice faltered as she saw a tall sandy-haired figure striding up the steps towards her. Her heart skipped and jittered. ‘Ethan?’
‘You didn’t tell me there were so many steps,’ he called from about twenty feet away.
‘Wait until you get to the chapel at the top. We’re only halfway up.’
Ethan was here? In the mountains?
Her heart beat so fast she wasn’t sure she would be alive by the time he reached her. Was he here for her? No, he was here for the baby. Surely. She wiggled her sister from her lap. ‘Élisabeth, pop inside for a few minutes.’ She was far too young to witness this, whichever way it went.
‘Why?’ Élisabeth wound a finger into her hair. ‘You said you’d read a story.’
‘I will. Later. Every book on the shelf. Just, please, please go inside.’ Claire couldn’t drag her eyes from him as he climbed towards her, but she managed to control herself and didn’t run down into his arms. He wasn’t holding them out. ‘Ethan?’
She hoped it sounded unaffected, even though she knew it was filled with the pain and longing and love she felt for him.
He stopped a few feet from her, but there still wasn’t a smile; instead he looked concerned and solemn. Terrified, actually, and she was immediately thrown back to how he’d looked when he’d first stepped into the lift. Always the lift. It had been both her downfall and the best thing in her life. ‘How are you, Claire?’
‘We are fine.’ She made an effort to make sure she included the baby in this because if he’d come back for her he’d be kissing her right now, wouldn’t he?
‘Good. Great.’ His shoulders relaxed but only a little.
Maybe he wasn’t here for either of them? Maybe he had bad news? Her heart was thundering now. ‘What’s the matter? Why are you so serious?’
‘Because love is a serious business, Claire. It needs to be done right.’
‘Love?’ She was concerned she might need a cardiologist soon, the way her heart was rattling along.
‘I haven’t done it right, Claire. I tried hard not to see it and to pretend I wasn’t growing feelings for you, but I can’t run away from them, not when they’re inside me.’
‘You love me.’ It felt as if the sun was coming out inside her chest.
‘I love you both.’ His voice cracked a little and she could see his hands clenched and she knew he wanted to hold her, but was weighing up her reaction because she’d never told him her feelings either. ‘I love you because of the way you grasp life and look for the good in everyone. The way you open your heart and give more than is needed. Not like me. I count the number of people I’ve saved, Claire. Not how well they live. Or how well I live. I closed myself off from feeling anything because I didn’t want to have to face more pain, but what I didn’t realise was that when you block out pain you block out every other emotion too. You made me feel something for the first time and I couldn’t fight it. Fear. Panic. Excitement. Desire. Love. I love you and I want to be with you.’
Wow. Her throat felt thick and raw. She cut through the distance between them and put her hands to his face. ‘I love you too, Ethan.’
‘You do? I wasn’t sure...’ He slid his arms around her waist and tugged her close.
He wasn’t sure because he had never had it, he didn’t know how love felt. She blinked the tears away. ‘I love you and I’ll prove that to you every day.’ She pressed her mouth to his and showed him just how much she loved him in her kiss.
When she pulled away she asked him their question. The one that had bonded them from the beginning, because she had to know how things might work out for them. Love was one thing, but geography was very important too with a baby in tow. ‘Ethan, I know you hate France and I’m so glad
you’re here for me, but where do you want to be?’
She held her breath, wondering whether he could truly give up his life for a family.
But he didn’t hesitate as he took hold of her hand and held it to his heart. ‘Right here. By your side. Wherever you are, I’ll be with you and our child. I may not know anything about being a good parent, but I’m willing to try and to learn.’
‘You’ll be a wonderful father, Ethan.’
‘And a good husband too, I hope.’
‘A husband?’ It was early days for them both, even though she knew he was her forever guy.
As if he’d read her mind, he whispered onto her throat, ‘I know it’s probably too soon and we’ll have a lot to work out but I’ve been thinking...a lot.’
‘What about?’
‘It’s weird, I’ve been chasing around Africa, trying to make everything right by Nick and my seventeen-year-old self, but there’s something about this place that makes me feel like I’m me.’ He shrugged. ‘I lost who I was in France and now I’m finding things I want here too. I was thinking about applying for work at the refugee centre, maybe we could make a home in Marseille?’
‘It is very claustrophobic here.’ She pointed to the wide-open spaces between the mountains, the huge blue Alpine sky.
He didn’t follow her eyeline, he just gazed at her. ‘I only need to look at you anyway. You and the baby.’
‘You might have to go out at some point.’
‘If I can see the sea and the horizon and feel the space then I’ll be free, Claire. Free with you. And then, maybe, some time when we’re ready we can go visit all those places you want to go to. If you’ll have me?’
‘Of course I will, Ethan.’ She pressed her lips against his, relishing his strength and his taste and the feel of him in her arms and the love in his touch. ‘I love you so much.’
Saved by Their One-Night Baby Page 17
