“Oh, thank you, Lilly. That’s so nice of you!” She opened the door to let us in. She smiled at me, but didn’t seem to know my name. I was embarrassed at how much that bothered me, and blushed instead of providing it.
I realized this was the first time I had ever been inside of his house now that it wasn’t the Stevenson’s anymore. Over the summer, we’d only ever hung out at Lilly’s house. We walked through the living room as Mrs. Baker took the pie back into the kitchen and started taking out dishes and spoons. Most of the counters were still filled with Thanksgiving leftovers but not as much as at my house. We usually cooked for thirty people instead of the fifteen that were actually there.
Everything looked so much more lived-in than it had before. The carpets were still mostly white though there were a few rugs thrown over certain high traffic areas. Before, it had just been Mr. and Mrs. Stevenson and Emily. It was incredible how much more stuff three kids had versus one. It reminded me of the difference between Lilly’s house and my own.
Her house was always so much cleaner than mine. That’s why I liked hanging out there. Everyone else just liked her big backyard. Though sometimes I did find it a little too neat. Even after all these years, I was always a little hesitant to walk around and use certain pieces of furniture or dishes without asking. There were even a few rooms in her house I don’t think I’d ever been in. The fancy dining room, for example, had been off limits for years.
Josh’s house felt more like mine. It was still clean, but just fuller in a way that it hadn’t been before. There was a pile of shoes by the door instead of a neat row of three pairs. Jackets poked out of the hall closet. Books were stacked along the stairs.
As I stepped forward to take a closer look at the books, Josh thundered down the stairs and knocked one of the piles over. He bent to pick them up, and something almost like excitement crossed his face when he saw me. My heart skipped a beat. But the look disappeared when he saw Lilly, and his face was neutral and pleasant. My heart was suddenly pounding. He was dressed in green sweats from the football team, only mildly hideous with an orange stripe down one leg. His eyes were out-of-control dazzling. It just seemed really unfair to everyone else in the world with green eyes.
“Hi, Josh!” said Lilly, her voice thankfully free of any Anna Nicole undertones. The presence of his mom must be keeping her under control. “I brought over some pie to share with your family.”
“Thanks,” he said, coming to investigate at the kitchen table.
I honestly didn’t like shoofly pie that much, but Lilly’s mom made it every year. Everyone else seemed to like it. I thought it was kind of weird. But I always had a piece, to be polite, so she thought I liked it. I wondered if that’s what everyone else did and now it had been too many years to say anything. Traditions could be funny like that.
Matt and Abby had come running when they’d heard Lilly’s voice and the word ‘pie’. They looked on eagerly as their mom set out plates on the counter. Lilly proudly served up large slices to everyone and, despite having already eaten my obligatory piece earlier, I took another so as to not reveal my dislike of it in front of everyone. Lilly looked around the table as everyone tried it, biting her lip while waiting for their reactions.
Matt’s was first, and he promptly spat it out with a disgusted face.
“Ew, Lilly, I thought you said this was good.”
“Matt!” cried his mother. “That’s not very nice. It’s a very good pie.”
Abby seemed to like it and was munching away happily. I saw Josh purse his lips and glance at Lilly, who was looking severely disappointed at Matt’s reaction. Josh didn’t say anything, but kept eating. He didn’t seem to be enjoying it with the same gusto as Mr. and Mrs. Baker.
“This is just like my grandmother used to make,” she was saying with a happy sigh. “I’ll be sure to call your mother to thank her.”
“Oh, I made this one on my own,” said Lilly with a false modesty I could see right through but that I knew came off as genuine to people who didn’t know her as well. I could also see that she was still upset about Matt’s reaction, but the praise from Mrs. Baker was making up for that. I almost wished I didn’t know her as well as I did, so that I wouldn’t be so upset by how she was acting. “She’s been teaching me some of her favorite recipes.”
“What a nice creative duo you make,” said Mr. Baker. “She should open a bakery and you could play clarinet for the customers.” He chuckled.
“And Josh could sing!” called Matt from the kitchen. He’d gotten up to rummage around in the fridge, his pie abandoned at the table.
Josh’s cheeks were tinged with red.
“I’m not that good, Matt,” he said, his mouth full of pie. He swallowed and made the tiniest of frowns, making his forehead furrow in an inexplicably adorable way.
“We’re all going to see you at the concert next week,” Matt said, peeking his head back into the dining room. “And you, Leah.”
Now it was my cheeks that were turning red.
“Josh says you have a big solo,” said Mrs. Baker kindly. “That’s very exciting.”
I nodded, my mouth thankfully full of shoofly pie, so I didn’t have to say how it was not exciting at all and I was completely terrified. I glanced at Josh and he gave me a half smile that made me almost melt right down to the floor in front of his parents and Lilly. I looked down at my plate, embarrassed. Lilly was right next to me. Calm down.
“Well, it’s about time for the game,” said Mr. Baker, standing up. “Thank you for the pie, Lilly.”
“Yay, football!” cried Matt, running over from the kitchen with a stack of cookies in his hand.
Josh got out of his chair and started clearing plates. Lilly hopped up to help him.
“Josh, were you going to watch, too?” she asked, her voice surprisingly even. The influence of his parents there must have been stronger than I realized. I felt a flare of jealousy at how easily she was improving their already good impression of her. I wasn’t doing so great. I had barely spoken since we’d arrived, having been too occupied with blushing and staring at Josh.
He stopped, a plate in each hand, halfway to the kitchen sink.
“Um, I was. Why?”
“Well, Lilly and I usually watch Home Alone the night of Thanksgiving to kick off the Christmas movie season,” she said. “We thought you might like to join us.”
“Oh! Home Alone! I love that movie!” Abby cried, jumping up and down. She put her hands to her face and started running around the room, screaming. From her seat at the table, Mrs. Baker put a hand to her head and sighed.
“That’s enough, Abby,” said Lilly, her stern babysitter voice coming out. Abby stopped immediately, and Mrs. Baker gave her a grateful smile. “Maybe if you ask your mom and dad nicely, they’ll let you watch, too.”
She turned and smiled widely, looking surprisingly like Josh with her wide, slightly goofy grin, even with a few missing teeth.
“If you girls don’t mind watching here,” said Mrs. Baker. “It would be a big help so that I could finish cleaning up.”
“You all can watch in the den,” said Mr. Baker. “Matt, are you with me in the living room?”
Matt hesitated.
“Josh, what are you going to do?”
He looked to Josh standing at the sink, rinsing dishes.
“I’m going to help Mom clean up,” he said, keeping his head down. She smiled at him.
“You don’t need to do that,” she said, standing up and waving him away from the sink. “You were already a big help this morning. Go watch something.”
He looked up, glancing from Matt to me to Lilly. I tried to keep my expression as neutral as possible. I wanted him to watch with us. Of course I did. Seeing him now made me realize I wanted to be as close to him as possible, as often as possible. But I looked over at Lilly and her expression was one of pure hope. She wasn’t even trying to hide it. She wanted him just as much as I did, if that was even possible. She’d never known w
hat it was like to kiss him, whereas I did, and I knew I could never have it again. She had all the hope and none of the disappointment.
After what felt like an eternity, he turned to his father.
“I’ll watch the game,” he said with an undecipherable sigh that made me crazy. Was he disappointed? Annoyed? Matt followed him happily out into the living room.
As I watched him walk out, I found myself breathing my own sigh, but it was one of relief. I was disappointed, sure, but now I could relax and enjoy the movie instead of spending it stressing out. It had already been a long day of that.
Lilly tried to hide her own disappointment from Abby who looked very excited to be watching a movie with “the big girls” as she said.
I was still happy to keep our tradition alive, but the crossed arms and pouty face of Lilly the entire time kind of ruined it. After the movie, we said goodbye to Mrs. Baker, who was in the kitchen with a book, and waved goodbye to the boys in the living room. Josh barely looked up from the screen.
Lilly let out a long, pained sigh as soon as the door was closed. There had been an awful lot of sighing today.
“Lilly, I thought we weren’t trying to make anything happen with Josh,” I reminded her. I felt my conscience biting at my heart as I said it. Though, to be fair, I had not in any way actively tried to make him kiss me, I reassured myself for the hundredth time. So far it still hadn’t made me feel less guilty about it. “What’s the big deal?”
She shrugged and started walking down the street towards her house, her feet dragging.
“I just haven’t seen him that much since school started, and you get to see him in choir every day,” she said, her voice just on the other side of a whine.
“I haven’t been talking to him that much,” I said honestly. He hadn’t been by my locker since the day he drove me home. “And the ride was just that one time. It’s really not that much.”
“I know,” she said sadly. She was walking slowly, her hands shoved into the pockets of her Old Navy pea coat.
“And what about Jeff?”
Even in the darkness, I could see her blush.
“It’s nothing,” she said, tossing her hair and turning her head slightly away. “It’s not a big deal.”
It was making me crazy that she wasn’t opening up more about him. She’d never been so secretive about someone, so it was hard to tell if that meant she liked him a lot or not at all. I was guessing – and hoping - it was the former since if she didn’t like him at all, why hide that?
We parted ways in front of her house, and we confirmed the time to meet up to head to Blockbuster the next day to pick up Christmas Story and The Santa Clause. I hoped that continuing our own tradition would make her forget about her failed attempt to start a new one with Josh.
Chapter Fourteen
After Thanksgiving, time seemed to speed up. In the blink of an eye it was suddenly the week of the concert, and my anxiety that had been bubbling away for weeks finally overflowed. Lilly had been pretty quiet about both Josh and Jeff, though she was so focused on school and her own band concert that it didn’t really mean anything. It felt like everything was happening all at once. Exams, the concerts, everyone talking about their plans for winter formal. I tried to focus on one thing at a time.
I could tell how annoyed Brandon was with my distraction during our last lesson before the concert. I kept missing the high notes, my voice just petering out.
“You need more air, Leah,” he said and came up behind me to straighten my back. He did this often, and it was never an exciting, hopeful touch, the way the handholding incident had been. It really was like he was a totally different person when he was teaching. It usually helped keep me focused, but today, it was making my anxiety worse.
“Brandon, can we stop for just a second?” I asked, not waiting for his answer before I sat down in one of the chairs. I was still amazed at how long I could stand now. That first week of choir practice had exhausted me, standing and singing for so long. Now I did it without thinking. Except right now, I needed a break.
I put my head in my hands, shaking it back and forth slowly.
“I can’t do this,” I moaned.
“Of course you can,” he said, coming to sit next to me. His hand was on my back again, but now gently rubbing. I tried to make myself feel something, anything, at his touch. I took my hands away from my face and looked into his eyes, so serious and blue. He was definitely not looking at me like a teacher would. This was serious in another way. A way that I couldn’t brush off, pretending to not understand, the way I had when he’d held my hand.
“Just try to think of something else,” he said, his hand still on my back. I took a deep breath.
“Like what?”
“Like winter formal.”
I blinked. What did that have to do with singing?
“That’s ages away. Not until after Christmas,” I said, furrowing my brow in confusion. “And I’m not going, so I don’t really need to think about it. Though I might go help Lilly pick a dress.”
“Oh, so you don’t want to go?” He drew his hand away and looked down, his face turning red. I got a sinking feeling in my stomach. He’d been about to ask me to go with him. I rushed to explain, not wanting to hurt his feelings.
“I don’t really go to dances,” I said, wrinkling my nose. “Homecoming, winter formal, junior prom. It’s just not my thing. I’m surprised it’s yours.”
He looked up and gave a weak smile.
“I’m a senior, so I figured I’d go to everything this year,” he said. “The dances, the football games, the basketball games. Make sure I have that full high school experience before heading off to college.”
I suddenly thought of Jenn and her high school experience. Was she not enjoying her senior year the way she hoped she would? Maybe that was the source of her constant crankiness.
“Well, you definitely got me thinking about something else,” I said with a smile, trying to lighten the mood. “Let’s go through it one more time.”
We did it three more times before we were both satisfied. I was as close to perfect as possible. I knew all the words, the breaths, and the emotions behind the piece. Now I just had to make it through three more days of school without collapsing into a puddle of anxiety and everything would be fine.
The big night had finally arrived. I paced around the choir room, ignoring Amanda’s suggestion that I sit next to her and relax. My stomach was in knots. I tugged at the collar of my blouse while attempting to unbutton the tiny little top buttons without much success. My throat felt tight, and the room was hot. Everyone was milling around, talking and laughing. The air was buzzing with excited anticipation. Melissa was staring at me, her eyes narrow slits. It wasn’t helping my nerves.
When Mr. Price came in the door, I was suddenly overwhelmed with a sick feeling in my stomach. It was more than just knots. I ran for it, pushing past Melissa on my way to the door. I heard someone yell ‘watch out, she’s gonna hurl!’ and Amanda calling after me, but I was focused on making it to the bathroom before the measly dinner I’d managed to choke down came back up.
Once my stomach was painfully empty, I sat on the tile floor, the coolness of the tiles seeping through my tights. I had miraculously avoided getting anything on my outfit. The dark green blouse actually looked kind of pretty, despite how uncomfortable it was. The guys were lucky and just had to wear green ties. I regretted my choice of wearing a skirt, though. My legs were definitely getting cold.
I heard a soft tap on the door to the stall.
“Leah?” I heard Amanda say quietly. “It’s okay to be nervous. I always am before a big concert.”
“Are you nervous now?” My voice was cracking. I swallowed hard.
“Well, no, but this isn’t really a big concert. It’s just for family and stuff. It’s not a competition.”
“You say that like it’s so easy,” I moaned, leaning my head against my knees. “Maybe it is for you, after so many years of
doing it, but this is my first time doing anything.”
“I know,” she said. “You’ll be great, really.”
I breathed deeply and tried to get a handle on the swirling vortex that had replaced my stomach.
“I think I saw your parents come in,” she said. “I know they’ll be excited to see you perform.”
I sat up, surprised. Had she really seen them? I knew from the big calendar on our fridge that Jenn had a match tonight in another city, so I didn’t think my parents would be able to come. They had wished me luck at dinner but hadn’t mentioned they were coming. I had only talked about the solo once, so I didn’t think they’d remember it. Was it really possible that they were actually here to see me?
I stood up, wiping my mouth with some toilet paper, and opened the door. I headed straight to the sink for a long drink of water. I took the deepest breath I had all night, and turned around. Amanda smiled, and smoothed back my hair before nodding. The massive amounts of hairspray I’d used had miraculously kept my curls under control. I followed her out into the hall where the rest of the choir was ready and waiting to go into the auditorium. Mr. Price gave me an encouraging pat on the shoulder, and both Brandon and Josh gave me smiles and thumbs up. I started to feel a little better.
My heart leapt when I passed by my parents as we made our way down the aisle toward the stage. My chest swelled with happiness, my face breaking into a wide smile.
I felt a final jittery jump of my stomach as Mr. Price held up his hand for us to begin and took a deep breath to calm it. The first notes poured out of me, my lungs filled with a hesitant joy at being able to show my parents what I was able to do.
I couldn’t believe how I managed to remember everything, but the music just took over. It was all inside me, somehow. My lips knew every word, my voice was strong and in control. It was the most incredible feeling. When I heard the applause after the first song, I felt a sense of pride that I’d never experienced. They were clapping for me. Well, for the entire choir, not just me, but to be a part of a group that was getting this kind of appreciation was new and wonderful. Now I knew why Jenn tried so hard to win on the field.
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