I wanted to give in to him, to his invitation, but a voice of reason gnawed at me. My stomach fluttered with butterflies, then twisted with knots.
“No, Loki.” I pulled my mouth from his, gasping for breath. I put my hands on his chest and took a step back. “I can’t. I’m sorry.”
“Princess.” Loki watched me walk backwards away from him. His expression was so desperate and vulnerable, it made my chest ache.
“I’m sorry. But I can’t.”
I turned and ran to the palace, afraid that I would change my mind if I hesitated any longer.
27. Sacrifice
The next few days were a blur. I did everything I could to keep my mind off the kiss with Loki. I couldn’t explain it, and I didn’t want to. I just had to put it behind me and move forward with my engagement.
The training with Tove left me with a constant dull headache in the back of my skull. Making arrangements with his mother left me with pain in the remainder of my head. Willa tried her best to work as an intermediary, but Aurora didn’t seem ready to let our earlier conflict go.
Elora was feeling better, so she joined us one afternoon. I thought that would help, but it didn’t. When Aurora wasn’t busy picking at me, she was picking at Elora. And when she wasn’t doing that, they were both picking at me.
I spent most evenings in the library with Duncan, studying as much as I could about the Trylle way of life. I’d found a Tryllic dictionary, and I had to keep leafing through it as it looked through older documents. It was impossible to guess what it meant since the Tryllic didn’t have the English alphabet. For example, the word Tryllic looked like this – Трыллиц.
With the small desk lamp being the only light in the room, I sat at the desk with my nose buried in a book. Duncan was at the shelves, crawling through the acres of books to find ones that he thought would be best. He did know more about their history than I did, but not much more.
“Burning the midnight oil?” Finn asked, scaring me so much I nearly screamed. He stood at the edge of the desk, and I hadn’t even heard him come in.
“Yeah, I guess.” I stared down at the faded pages of the book, keeping myself focused on them instead of Finn.
I hadn’t talked to him since I’d kissed Loki. In a bizarre way, I felt as if I’d cheated on him. That was really silly considering I was engaged to Tove, and whatever Finn and I had was long over. He’d made that perfectly clear.
“I have something I need to go check on,” Duncan said, taking his cue to exit.
He didn’t need to, since I doubted that Finn and I needed privacy, but it was nice that he tried. He gave me a hopeful smile before he slipped out, leaving me alone with Finn.
“What are you looking up?” Finn asked, nodding to the stacks of books on the desk.
“Anything. Everything.” I shrugged. “I figured it was about time I got to know my history.”
“It’s a very large history,” Finn said.
“Yeah. That’s what I’m finding out.” I leaned back in my chair so I could look up at him. The dim light from the lamp left most of his face in shadow, but his expressions were so unreadable anyway, it didn’t really matter.
“The engagement party is tomorrow,” he said. “Shouldn’t you be upstairs primping and preening with Willa?”
“Nope. I get to do that tomorrow morning,” I sighed, thinking of the long day ahead of me tomorrow.
“On that note, a congratulations is in order.”
“Really?” I closed the book I’d been reading and stood up.
I didn’t want to be that close to Finn anymore, so I went over to a shelf and put the book away. I wasn’t sure if it was the right spot, but I needed an excuse to move.
“You’re getting married,” Finn said, his voice cool and even. “Congratulations is appropriate.”
“Whatever.” I shoved the book hard in the case and turned around to face him.
“You can’t be mad at me for being supportive,” Finn said, letting his disbelief tinge his words.
“I can be mad at you for whatever I want.” I leaned against the bookcase. “But I don’t get you at all.”
“What is there to get?” Finn asked.
“You practically ripped my arm off because you thought I was flirting with Loki. But I’m getting married to Tove, and you treat us both like nothing’s happening.”
“That’s entirely different,” Finn shook his head. “The Vittra was bad for you. He would hurt you. Tove is your intended.”
“My intended?” I scoffed. “Were you protecting me for him? Making sure that nobody else tainted me until Tove got me?”
“No, of course not. I was merely protecting you. Your good name, your image.”
“Right. That’s what you were doing when you had your tongue down my throat?”
“I don’t know why you always resort to being so crude.” He lowered his eyes in disapproval.
“I don’t know why you always have to be so proper!” I shot back. “Can you tell me how you really feel for once? I’m marrying somebody else! Don’t you care at all?”
“Of course I care!” Finn yelled, his eyes blazing. “You don’t think it kills me to see you with him? To know that tomorrow, in front of everybody, he’ll put a ring on your finger, letting everyone know that you’ll be his? Forever?”
“Then why aren’t you doing something?” I asked as tears filled my eyes. “Why don’t you at least try to stop me?”
“Because Tove will take care of you. He will defend you.” Finn swallowed hard. “He will be able to do things for you, with you, that I never could. Why would I take that away from you?”
“Because you care about me.”
“It’s because I care about you that I can’t!”
“I don’t believe you.” I shook my head. “You don’t even care when I’m with him. How could you get so angry when I was with Loki? You admitted you were jealous when I hung out with Rhys. But when I’m around Tove, you’re fine.”
“I’m not fine.” He sighed in frustration. “But it doesn’t feel the same when you’re with Tove. It doesn’t bother me as much.”
“How can it not bother you?” I asked, totally dismayed.
“Because you don’t love him,” Finn said finally. “You like him, but you don’t love him, and you won’t.”
“You know that I don’t love him, that I never will, and you’d rather me marry him?” I asked incredulously. “So you thought I loved Loki, or that I could.”
“It’s more than that, Wendy,” Finn shook his head. “Loki would hurt you.”
“But that’s not why you got mad. You were jealous because I might love somebody else.” Anger surged through me. “You’d rather I live a lie than find happiness with someone else.”
“You think you’d find happiness with a Vittra Markis?” Finn scoffed. “He was dangerous, Wendy. I didn’t trust him around you.”
“You didn’t trust him because you knew I cared about him!”
“Yes!” Finn shouted. “And you shouldn’t! He is a bad guy!”
“You don’t know him!” I yelled back.
“Do you want to go run off with him?” His face went stony, trying to hide any hurt he might feel. “Is that what you’re saying? That I prevented you from living a fairy tale with him?”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying.” I swallowed my tears. “I prevented myself from running off with him, because I knew what was best for the kingdom was me staying here. But I can’t believe how selfish you are. You say everything you do is for me, but if that were true, you’d encourage me to go after happiness, instead of trapping me here with you.”
“How have I trapped you here?” Finn asked.
“This!” I gestured between the two of us. “I can’t have you, and I can’t be without you. And I’m stuck in it with no way out. I love you, and I can’t stop, and you don’t even care!”
“Wendy.” He softened and moved towards me. I stepped back and ran into the bookshelf, so I could
n’t go any farther. He reached out to touch me, and I pushed him off.
“No!” I shouted with tears streaming down my face. “I hate that you do this me. I hate how crazy you make me. I hate you!”
He reached out, brushing hair back from my forehead. I jerked my head away, but he didn’t move his hand. He’d moved right in front of me, so his body was against mine. I tried to push against him, but he stayed firm. He wouldn’t move. His hand rested on my face, making me tilt my head up towards him.
His eyes were so black and deep, and they took my breath away the way they always had. With his fingers, he traced along my hairline. The fight inside me disappeared, but the passion still lingered.
“I hate that I do this to you,” Finn said, his voice low and his husky. His eyes were still on mine, and I could feel his breath on my cheeks. “I hate that I make you crazy. I love you.”
He leaned in, kissing me. His mouth pressed hungrily to mine. An intense quivering started in my heart but radiated out all over me, so my whole body shuddered. His stubble scraped against my skin as he kissed me desperately.
His lips traveled to my neck, and I moaned, burying my fingers in his hair. He moved against the shelves, and books tumbled out around us. We went with them, collapsing in a pile.
Finn was on top of me, his hands roaming all over my body, getting much bolder than they ever had before. He pushed up my dress, until the hem was high enough he could reach underneath it. His hand pressed warm against my thigh and moved upward, where it rested on my hip, squeezing.
I slid my hands underneath his shirt, burying my fingers in the flesh of his back, pulling him to me. His kisses were so hungry, as if he starved without me, and they made my entire body tingle.
“Finn!” Thomas’s voice boomed, interrupting us.
Finn stopped kissing me, but he stayed on top of me. His breath came out in ragged gasps, and he stared down at me. Passion smoldered in his eyes, but behind that, I saw terror. He realized that he’d done something terrible and didn’t know what to do.
“Finn!” Thomas yelled again. “Get off her before someone sees you!”
“Yes, sir.” Finn clamored off me, tripping over books as he got to his feet. I pulled down my dress, and got up much more slowly than him.
“Get out of here!” Thomas barked at him. “Get yourself cleaned up!”
“Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.” Finn kept his eyes on the ground. He tried to cast a fleeting glance back at me, but he was too ashamed and simply darted out of the room.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled, unsure of what else to say. I could still taste Finn on my lips, feel his stubble on my cheek. The spot where his hand had been on my hip burned like a fond reminder.
“You don’t need to apologize to me,” Thomas said, and the expression he gave me was much softer than the one he gave his son. “You need to protect yourself, Princess. Go to your room, forget this ever happened, and pray that nobody ever finds out.”
“Yes, of course.” I nodded quickly and stepped carefully over the books. I’d almost made it out when Thomas stopped me.
“My son doesn’t tell me much of his life,” Thomas said, and I paused at the doorway, looking over my shoulder at him. “We’ve never been close. This job is a hard one. It keeps you isolated, and that is something that you and I have in common.”
“I don’t feel that isolated,” I said. “I’m always surrounded.”
“You’ve been fortunate, but it won’t always be that way.” He licked his lips and paused. “Sometimes you have to choose between love and duty. It’s a hard choice, the hardest you’ll ever make, but there is only one right answer.”
“And you’re saying that it’s duty?” I asked.
“I’m saying duty was the right answer for me,” Thomas explained carefully. “And duty will always be the right answer for Finn.”
“Yes,” I nodded, lowering my eyes. “That I know all too well.”
“Trackers are often looked down upon.” He held up his hand to silence me before I could argue. “Not by everyone, but by many. We’re pitied. But it’s an honorable life, living in service of people. Knowing that we are essential to creating a better world for the kingdom.
“The Queen lives in service as much as a tracker, maybe even more so,” Thomas went on. “Her whole life has been given to the people here. There is no greater honor than that. No greater deed. That is going to be your honor, Princess.”
“I know,” I said, feeling even more overwhelmed by the prospect.
“In the end, you find that with sacrifice, you receive more than you give,” he said. “I’ve enjoyed talking with you Princess, but I will let you get to your room.”
“Yes, of course,” I said.
Thomas bowed before me, and I turned away. I ran all the way up to my room, lifting my dress so I wouldn’t trip on my hem. My hair had come loose so it fell around my face, and I was grateful for it. I didn’t need anyone to see the shame on my face or the tears that stained my cheeks.
28. Honor
“You look amazing,” Willa assured my reflection for the hundredth time.
I stood in front of the mirror, and Willa was behind me. I’m sure I appeared as if I was admiring my white gown, but I barely even recognized myself.
The day before my engagement party, I’d cheated on my fiancé, who was a perfectly wonderful guy. He was my friend, and he was Finn’s friend. Tove had been nothing but good to either of us. He didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve having to deal with me.
After Finn and I kissed, I’d wanted to cry and feel sorry for myself because we couldn’t be together. But I couldn’t do that. Not anymore. I was a Princess, with a duty to her kingdom and her fiancé. Tove and Förening deserved more, so I had to be more. I had to become what they needed.
“Come on, Wendy.” Willa grabbed my arm, pulling me away. “The party is about to start. We don’t have time for you to keep staring at yourself.”
I nodded and followed her, thinking I’d have time to compose myself, but as soon as I stepped out of my room, I found Tove waiting by the door.
“Sorry,” he said when he saw my expression. “I didn’t mean to startle you.”
“No, it’s okay.” My mouth felt numb, and it was hard to speak.
“I’ll leave you two lovebirds alone.” Willa winked at me as she walked away.
“I hope it’s not bad luck to see you before the engagement party.” He dug in his pocket. “I’m not sure what the protocol is, but I had to give you something. I thought it’d be better to do it before the party.”
“You didn’t need to get me anything.”
“Yeah, I did.” Tove pulled a ring box out of his pocket. “It’s kinda my job. I should’ve given it to you when I proposed, but that was kind of a lame proposal.”
“I liked it.” I smiled at him. “It was sweet.”
“Well, I hope you like the ring.” He held it out to me, the velvet lid still closed. “My mom hates it.”
“I’m sure I’ll love it then,” I said, and he laughed.
I took the box from him, and with trembling hands, I opened the lid. It was a thick platinum band, designed to look like ivy wrapped around it. A giant emerald was inlaid in the center, with a few smaller diamonds dotting around the band.
“Oh, Tove, it’s beautiful.” As I slid it on my finger, I was actually getting choked up. It was a lovely ring, and such a lovely gesture.
“Yeah?” Tove had a relieved lopsided grin and ran a hand through his hair. “Good. I was really worried. I had no idea what you would think.”
“No, it’s absolutely perfect.” I smiled up at him with tears in my eyes.
“Good.” He bit his lip. “You look really beautiful today.”
“Thank you. You look really good yourself.” I motioned to his nice suit pants and vest. “You clean up good, Markis.”
“Thank you, Princess.” He held out his arm so I could take it. “Shall we head down to our engagement party?”
“We shall,” I said and looped my arm through his. We walked towards the ballroom to become the leaders the Trylle needed.
Ascend Excerpt
Read an excerpt from the final book in the Trylle Trilogy - Ascend
I had my back to the room as I stared out the window. It was a trick I’d learned from my mother to make me seem more in control. Elora had given me lots of tips the past few months, but the ones about commanding a meeting were the most useful.
“Princess, I think you’re being naïve,” the Chancellor said. “You can’t turn the entire society on its head.
“I’m not.” I turned back, giving him a cool gaze, and he lowered his eyes and balled up his handkerchief in his hand.
I surveyed the meeting room, doing my best to seem as cold and imposing as Elora always had. I didn’t plan to be a cruel ruler, but they wouldn’t listen to weakness. If I wanted to make a change here, I had to be firm.
Since Elora had become incapacitated as of late, I’d been running the day to day activities of the palace, including a lot of meetings. I got to see a lot of the same board of advisors.
The Chancellor had been voted into his position by the Trylle people, but as soon as his term was up, I planned to campaign against him as hard as I could. He was a conniving coward, and we needed somebody much stronger in his position.
Garret Strom – my mother’s “confidant” – was here today, but he didn’t always come. Depending on how Elora was doing that day, he often chose to stay and care for her instead of attending these meetings.
My assistant Joss sat at the back of the room, furiously scribbling down notes as we talked. She was a small human girl that grew up in Förening as a mänsklig, and worked as Elora’s secretary. Since I’d been running the palace, I’d inherited Joss as my own assistant.
Duncan, my bodyguard, was stationed by the door, where he stood during all the meetings. He followed me everywhere, like a shadow, and though he was clumsy and small, he was smarter than people gave him credit for. I’d grown to respect and appreciate his presence the last few months, even if he couldn’t completely take the place of my last guard, Finn Holmes.
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