by Daria M Paus
I wished I could believe him, but he didn't know what I knew. He didn't know that Johnny's impulsive getaway to the island had been nothing more than a suicide mission.
No matter how badly I wished I could be there myself, my chapter in his life was over. I just hoped that he’d find a way to go on with his.
Back on land, I watched Rick as he prepared to head back to wherever Johnny had gone. And just as I was about to turn, Ricks' voice made me stop to look back at him.
“He was going to say it, too, you know.”
I frowned, not understanding.
“He loves you, Bree. Letting you go hurts him just as bad,” he said. "Marc will kill me but . . . you deserve to know.”
Words stuck in my throat, and I opened and closed my mouth several times before giving up on speaking.
Rick grinned. “I have to go. Think of what I said, and be patient, all right?”
He left me standing there staring out at the sparkling sea.
My mind tried to make sense of what had happened. What had Rick said? Was it even possible?
Then I nodded to myself. Hadn’t I, on some subconscious level, already known? The way we’d connected; how close we’d grown in just a few days. Closing my eyes, I could still see the emotion on his face as he’d whispered, I’ll miss you. But he'd known it, too, just as clearly as I did. And the tears in his eyes as he’d looked up at me in the darkness of his room had been nothing more than a silent goodbye.
Finding the island had not only saved my life; my sudden presence had also saved his. But it didn’t matter, it wouldn’t change anything. That's correct, the brutal voice in my mind stated.
Sometimes love just ain't enough.
Two months later
Home
Bree
Months passed by and I never heard from Johnny. I wasn't sure whether I’d expected to or not, but his silence hurt. Day after day I’d woken up with the hope of receiving some kind of message from him, but the days went by, and his silence slowly quenched that little flame of hope until nothing was left but charcoal in my heart, and a deep sadness in my belly. He had forgotten about me. Just like he’d told me to forget about him.
Of course, he did, the little voice snapped. Why wouldn’t he?
I’d been stupid to expect anything else. It didn’t stop me from missing him—from thinking of him, remembering him. If I closed my eyes, I could still see him as clearly as if he was standing right before me. Lying alone in bed at night, I imagined him right there with me. I could close my eyes and hear his soft breath in my ear. Or if I really wanted to torture myself, I imagined his lips on mine. I let myself recall those wonderful times together in that way—and relive them. I had a good imagination, so it wasn't hard to fantasize about all the things he’d do to me. How his body would feel in rhythm with mine . . .
It was a comfort at night, but when the morning came and the bright Kentucky sun once again reminded me that it was nothing but wishful thinking and hopeless dreams, I couldn’t help but wish I’d never met him at all.
Absentmindedly I picked up a small stone and threw it across the river. It skipped a few times before sinking into the depths.
The sun shone from a clear, blue sky, and the warmth felt wonderful on my skin. I came here a lot lately; the lone oak by the river had become some sort of a sanctuary. Surrounded by open fields of tall grass gently swaying in the warm breeze, I felt like I could breathe again. The farm lay far behind me across the hills, and no one ever came here. That was one of the reasons I loved this place.
Normally Bella would have carried me here, and sure, I could’ve taken another horse, but I wasn't ready for that yet. This had been our secret getaway, and now she was gone. Just like Johnny, my mind added, making me let out another deep sigh. Just like Johnny.
I picked up another pebble, throwing it into the river. It made a little splash—then it was gone, too.
Thinking back to the day when I’d come home, the corners of my mouth stretched into a weak smile. My family had been so relieved they'd all been crying, and I, well . . . I had bawled openly.
They'd questioned me, and I’d been forced to tell them everything. The sad look on my face had been the only thing convincing them I'd actually told the truth.
I hated the thought of them all knowing how badly I’d fallen for Johnny, but at the same time, I was sure no one could blame me. What girl would not fall for him after a week like that?
Rick had told me to be patient and wait for things to settle, but I’d read about Nancy's accusations in the papers and the bitch clung to her story. I was sure Johnny would have a hard time getting out of the mess she'd created. I had no idea of what would happen to him if Nancy got her way, and it shouldn’t be my concern.
I wanted so badly to hold him in my arms once more and promise him it would be all right. I couldn't do that—because I didn't know if it would. I didn't know anything.
If Nancy didn't admit she’d made it all up, Johnny was in big trouble, even I could figure that out. I could only imagine how much the constant stress must be killing him.
The rhythmic beat of hooves against the hill brought me out of my thoughts. By the sound of it, there were two horses, galloping in a steady rhythm toward me. I didn't look up. Whoever it was would have to come closer if they wanted to get my attention.
The horses stopped. Their soft snorting made me realize they couldn't be more than a few feet away from me. Still, the riders were completely silent. It made me frown, and curiosity finally got the best of me. I turned my head, first only seeing eight muscular horse legs towering over me.
I got to my feet, annoyed at being so oddly interrupted in my session of self-pity.
"What do you want?" I snapped. "Why—" My voice died a quick death as my gaze finally landed on the person in the saddle. My mouth fell open and I could only stare, thinking for sure I imagined him there.
He kept on watching me with those deep brown eyes locked on mine.
When he finally spoke, his voice was just above a whisper.
"Hey."
I blinked, feeling myself slowly coming out of the shock. I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out.
Say somethin', my mind screamed. For God’s sake, speak! I couldn't, not yet. And as I watched him, I realized he hadn't smiled, not even the slightest hint of one. In fact, he looked scared, and the sadness I'd grown so used to seeing in his eyes had spread across his face.
"Johnny," I finally managed to whisper. "What's wrong?"
I was afraid of the answer, but it never came. Instead, he slid off the horse, then hesitated a few seconds before walking up to me. He looked down at me and a small smile tugged at the corner of his lips.
"I missed you,” he said. "I had to come."
I gaped, trying to rule out the possibility of him being nothing but a hallucination. Had I gone crazy? Were the endless nights of imagining him finally playing tricks on my mind?
“Say something,” he whispered.
I couldn’t. I wasn’t even sure he was really there.
He shifted, averting his eyes. “Should I go?”
I slowly reached out a hand to brush it against his arm, and the warmth from his skin made me gasp. “You’re really here.”
He gave me a small nod. “I’m here.”
A hand flew to my mouth and tears sprung to my eyes.
We looked at each other for what felt like an eternity. It was surreal seeing him standing there right before me, just as I’d dreamt for so long.
"I thought you'd forgotten about me."
"No.” He inched closer. "I could never forget you." He took my hand, then looked down at our intertwined fingers. "Trust me, I tried,” he sighed. "I can't have you in my life, but I—" He let go of my hand and stepped away. "I can't live without you, either."
I was at a loss for words.
"I can't take it anymore." He ran a hand through his hair. It had grown longer. "I'm not allowed to leave the fucking state. But here I am." He pressed
a hand to his forehead, taking a few deep breaths.
"Sorry." He gave me a small smile, then went on. “I don’t know what will happen.” He hung his head. “I’m trying to be positive but—" His voice broke, and when he spoke again, it was just a whisper. “I could lose it all.”
“It’s that bad?”
He nodded, clenched his jaw, and looked away.
"Hey." I closed the distance between us, laying a comforting hand on his arm. "It’ll be ok."
Before he could speak, I wrapped my arms around him and he tensed, letting out a ragged breath. His arms hesitated as if he was afraid of touching me, then slowly, he wrapped them around me, letting his body relax in my arms. "I forgot how good you make me feel," he whispered.
Tears filled my eyes, and before I could stop myself, I blurted, "I'll go with you."
The moment the words left my mouth I regretted them. Not that I didn’t mean it. Hell, I’d follow him anywhere, but it was definitely too much, and too soon.
A small gasp slipped from his mouth. He stepped away so he could look at me.
"You’d do that?"
I nodded.
He sighed, then shook his head. "I couldn't do that to you. You don’t know what it's like." That haunted look came over his face again and he looked lost, like he was far away in his own personal nightmare. "They’d rip you apart along with me."
"I'm sorry," I said. "I can’t imagine it."
"No," he said. "You can’t. I don't want you to." He took my hand, holding it for a long time before speaking again. "But thanks."
"Johnny."
He shook his head, silently begging me to leave it, to withhold the sympathy that I knew he needed—but dreaded.
"Bree," he whispered my name. "I . . ."
He played with my thumbnail, avoiding looking directly at me. “I—" He let out a sharp breath, running a hand through his hair to buy himself a few seconds of silence.
"I think I’m in love with you.”
I was stunned. Yes, it seemed he had that effect on me quite often, but this surely took the prize. Was he serious? Could he really?
He must’ve seen the disbelief on my face because he flashed me a quick smile. "Really.” He swallowed, biting his lower lip before continuing. "I should've told you before but I—" He muttered something I couldn’t hear, wiping sweat from his forehead, and I stared at him as he was struggling with the words.
"I just—I’m—" He tried to suck in a few deep breaths, once again running a trembling hand through his hair. Then he flashed me a quick smile and finally managed to gasp. “I’m terrified.”
When I still didn't speak, he turned his gaze away.
"Bree,” he began. "It's good if you don’t love me back. I'd understand. I’d be relieved because I shouldn’t do this to you, but I’m—”
"No!" I yelled, and he flinched.
"I'm just shocked. I—" Did he think I didn't care for him anymore? How could he even think such a thing? "I do love you," I blurted. "I love you." This time I whispered it, but the volume didn't matter, it was the feeling behind it that did. “I’ve missed you.”
I was in his arms before I realized what had happened, and his lips felt just as good as I remembered. Once we started kissing, I didn't want to ever stop. It had been too long, and if we didn't stop soon, things would turn into more than kissing—real fast. Just the thought of it was enough to make me tremble.
"Johnny."
He didn't listen, and why would it matter? We were far from the farm; no one ever came to look for me here. I wasn’t quite sure how Johnny had managed to find me.
The grass tickled my back as I lowered myself onto it, pulling Johnny down with me. The familiar warmth from his body as he moved over me made me think back to the island. I missed our time there, but having him here—now—made the island a distant dream. The place itself wasn't what mattered. It was Johnny. I was sure, being with him could make any place just as beautiful.
The sun painted the sky orange and red as it was about to set over the hills, and the hint of cold in the air didn't bother me. It could have been snowing for all I cared; nothing could ruin this moment as I lay wrapped in Johnny's arms.
"Why two horses?" I asked, glancing up at the animals, who were grazing peacefully in the nearby grass.
Then another thought struck me, and I frowned. "They're not from the farm. Where . . ."
"You see the palomino there?" Johnny gestured for a pretty mare with a golden body and pure white mane and tail. "That's Ladybug—but I call her Lady, and she's yours if you want her."
My mouth fell open.
“Wh . . . what?" I was once again confused and totally amazed at how he never stopped surprising me.
"I remember when you told me about Bella, and . . . well, I thought you'd like Lady; she's a really nice horse."
My eyes once again filled with tears, and I managed to squeeze out a small, "Thank you."
"The brown one, he’s Jackaro, and I was hoping you'd take care of him for me. I'll pay for him of course. Until I come back.”
I turned in his arms, wrapping mine around him. "Of course, I will," I said. "Are you really comin' back?"
"I can't stay away from you."
I smiled, hugging him even tighter.
"I have to fly back tomorrow."
I pulled away and for a moment it looked like he was about to cry. Then he finally glanced back up, meeting my eyes.
"I don't know when this is going to be over, or how it will turn out, but—" His voice broke. "But at least I know that you still care.”
"I love you.” I gave him a sad smile. "And it will be ok." I knew I promised something I couldn’t control, but I hoped it made him feel a little better.
“They could throw me in jail.”
I choked back a sob, refusing to believe it.
“Not for somethin' you didn’t even do.”
He let out a deep sigh. "I might not be able to come for a long time.”
"I'll wait . . . I'll be here when it's over.”
He gave me a sad smile but didn't speak—he didn't need to. I could already see the emotion in his eyes and it couldn't be clearer that my words had touched him deeply. I smiled, feeling my own heart swell with emotion.
∞∞∞
Johnny fell asleep even though he said he didn’t want to miss a second of the time we had together. I didn't have the heart to wake him.
I sat in the darkness of my room, the covers wrapped around my body, and watched him as he slept. Even in sleep he looked troubled and tense.
I clasped my hands over my heart and prayed to whoever was willing to listen, begging for this to be over; for someone to help him through the darkness. If there was one person who deserved to be happy, it was Johnny. I only knew what he’d told me, and I was sure there was an even more tragic backstory which he hadn’t shared with me. But what he'd said, was more than enough. It was more than anyone should have to live with. And if that hadn’t been enough, now he was once again thrown into a hell so much worse than what I’d first imagined.
“Bree?”
His voice snapped me out of my thoughts.
“Hey.” He sat up, reached out a hand to touch my face. “What’s wrong?”
“Just memorizin’ you.”
“I don’t wanna go back,” he whispered. “It’s lovely here—your family, the calm . . . you.” He turned his gaze away. “I always wanted a family like this, but—" His voice broke. “It was never meant for me.”
I struggled to not cry. “We are your family now. You’ll always have a place here. They all love you.”
His voice was thick with emotion as he whispered a broken, “Thank you.”
I lay down on my back, holding out an arm, and he shifted into my embrace naturally. I wrapped both arms around him, letting one travel to his hair to softy run through it in the way he loved.
“Try to sleep.”
“I don’t wanna waste this time,” he whispered into my neck. “Don’t let
me fall asleep.”
“Ok.”
His body relaxed against mine, his weight familiar and comforting.
I closed my eyes, wishing I could freeze time. In just a few hours, dawn would break through the night and we’d have to get up and head for the airport.
“Are you really mine?”
“All yours,” he murmured. “For as long as you want me.”
A soft gasp slipped through my lips, and I didn’t know whether I should feel happy—or sad. How could he even say such a thing? What did he think he was to me? Some kind of toy which I’d throw away once I grew tired of it?
“I’ll never leave you.” I kissed the top of his head. “I love you.”
His smile tickled my skin, and he whispered the words back to me so low I could barely hear him.
“One day I'll tell you everything, if you want to know, I mean.”
I did and didn’t. In fact, I was terrified to learn more about his life, but I also wanted to understand him; to really know him and all of his demons.
“Whenever you’re ready.”
He let out a soft sigh, nuzzling his face a little closer to me and I smiled into the dark. No matter what would happen, I’d be forever grateful for the opportunity to have him in my life. The fact that he came back to me and wanted to stay was more than I’d ever dared to hope for. I’d been so sure, back on the island, that a future with Johnny was just wishful thinking and hopeless dreams. Now he was here, on my farm, in my bed, in my arms, and there was no place in this world he’d rather be. Hell, he’d even told me the exact words. It was unbelievable—but it was true.
Johnny Grey was mine. The Johnny Grey. When I thought of it like that, I was still in awe. But he wasn’t just the movie star with looks to die for, he hadn’t been for a long time. For me, he was just Johnny—my Johnny.
With or without you
Johnny
“Don’t drink so much,” Bree said, and I scoffed at her words.
“Do you want me to survive this trip, or not?” I didn't want to disappoint her, or worry her, or any other shit I was capable of. But I needed this, no doubt about that. In one hour, I’d be flying away from the only good thing in my life. Drinking was the only way to help me cope with the upcoming five-hour flight from Kentucky to LAX, not to mention what waited for me once I arrived. It was safe to say the overconsumption of alcohol was the least of my problems.
