Which was fair. I’d be angry too if I were him.
For a moment I contemplated following him and continuing to try to fix this mess, but I realized it would only probably make it worse. Soren needed some time to cool down.
I ended up wandering around the palace, making sure to give Soren his distance as I did so. The place was so large and cavernous that I found myself constantly wishing to be back in Soren’s manor in the High North, not here. In all likelihood I would never see it again. It wasn’t like Soren could retire from being the Erlking and me, the stag.
How ironic to finally accept a place as your home before having to leave it for another. I missed the wood and iron, the simple and not-so-simple designs carved into everything. It was the type of decoration that was subtle but intricate, and I’d spend hours sometimes looking at them, following them with my fingers. And the work. No matter what race or species you were, you worked, and here, the boredom was killing me. Or, well, it would’ve been if it weren’t for a particular voice in my head.
I sighed. But his manor wasn’t a place we could go back to anymore.
I ended up in the stables, watching the horses as they slept. They were such magnificent animals, but they still were painful to look at ever since I’d lost my horse, Panic. He’d been bonded to me, we’d been closer than rider and horse, we were something different all together. But still, ever since I became the stag, animals liked me a lot more than they did when I wasn’t. Which was saying something because I was the kid who used to get chased by vicious geese daily, and unfortunately, I couldn’t put arrows through due to them being our farm animals. I smiled at the memory.
One of the horses nickered and leaned down to push their nose against mine, and I stroked the soft, velvety skin there. “Hello,” I said.
“Hi.”
I nearly jumped out of my skin at the reply that definitely had not come from a horse. My eyes darted around before latching onto a figure hiding up in the rafters of the stables. He smiled at me, and I scowled back.
“You nearly gave me a heart attack, Rose!”
Rosamund shrugged and with catlike grace, dropped from the rafters to the ground. “You’re the stag. I don’t think you can have heart attacks.”
“You know what I mean,” I huffed in frustration. “What the hell were you doing up there anyway?”
“Well,” Rose replied, “I saw Soren sulking in the armory, and I figured that meant you also must be sulking but in a different place, and so Seppo and I battled for who gets to talk to whom, and I was lucky enough not to get the person who can literally rip hearts out of bodies with his bare hands.”
Oh gods. Soren was going to kill Seppo if he tried anything. I shook my head. Not my hunting party, not my hunters.
“You two can be so absolutely petty and stubborn when you want to be. Like, as much as I would say goblinkind is not known for our good communication skills, you and Soren kind of make the bar go to an entirely different level.”
“We have good communication skills!” I said, glaring.
“Yeah, that’s exactly why neither of you can admit when there’s a problem, and instead pretend nothing is wrong until you both come to your senses and actually say something,” Rose said, voice dripping with acid.
“Okay, we have some snares, but I’m not about to get relationship advice from someone who chased a horse around the Permafrost all day as a present for someone not even born yet.”
Rosamund had the gall to look offended. “We had that situation completely under control.”
“Under control, my ass,” I muttered. “Look, I tried talking to him, and it ended up a disaster. So, now what?” I leaned my head back against the stall door and closed my eyes as a headache began to brew beneath my eyelids.
“So, now you wait until both of you have cooled down and you try again. And then the next time, you know not to hide things like this from each other for months,” Rosamund said in a voice serious enough I contemplated punching him. “Seppo and I had a bit of that problem when we first started seeing each other. He was worried about what others would think since he was already judged for being a halfling. For months I didn’t know why he pulled away, until it occurred to me to ask him.” A satisfied smile grew on his face. “And all it took was ensuring I’d rip the spine out of anyone who dared mistreat him, for it all to be better.” I had to keep myself from rolling my eyes. Why did all heartwarming goblin stories still revolve around violence?
“I hate it when you’re right,” I mumbled. “I’ll try again once we’re both in a better place. I know it must be hard for him. Both what I found out, and learning that I’ve kept secrets from him.”
“Yeah, Diaval filled Seppo and me in,” Rose said. “You know we have your back. And Soren’s. Things will work out, you’ll see.” He patted my shoulder before standing. “I better make sure Seppo is still alive. Between you threatening to push him off mountains and shove weapons up his ass, and Soren being … Soren, I’m surprised he doesn’t resemble a scared rabbit every time he’s around you two.”
“Seppo is a good goblin,” I said, slightly guilty. “I don’t mean to scare him. The Hunt was … tense.”
Rose snorted. “Hence why I stayed out of it. Also, don’t feel too bad. Part of Seppo’s entire charm is his ability to annoy and instigate fights wherever he goes. It’s what makes him so attractive.”
I laughed softly. “Whatever you say.”
Rosamund put a hand on my knee, and I held back a flinch. All this time, and sometimes it was still hard for me to have casual physical contact, especially with a male. Goblin, human, it didn’t matter. Though parts of my trauma had healed, much of it still was left to go, and that didn’t include the bits being ripped open again by Lydian’s revelations.
The near-emotionlessness of the stag’s sense of duty was almost completely worn off, and I had to grip my hands into fists and dig my fingers into the palms of my hands to stop them from shaking. It didn’t matter, I told myself. The same message still applied, even when I was more of my human self. I couldn’t change the horrors of my past, but I could still fix the problems of the future. I still had the power to fix what was happening now. If it meant arguing with Soren or working with Lydian, so be it. It had to be done. I was only human—well, sort of—and I couldn’t fix or change what was done to me. But I could choose whatever I did next. I had the choice.
I had to keep repeating this mantra in my head. Sooner or later, it would stick, and my heart would calm down from its racing in my chest. Because I knew it was safe, even if my hypervigilance told me to dash away and hide from the situation like a frightened rabbit.
Rose noticed my flinch and took his hand away. “Sorry,” he apologized.
“It’s not your fault. One day I won’t flinch, not today,” I said, standing and stretching my cramped calf muscles. The horse in the stall I’d been sitting against brought its head down to greet me, and I rubbed its nose. It was the troublemaker that Seppo and Rosamund had been chasing. “Look at you,” I cooed at the animal. “Such a good girl.”
“A good girl who nearly gave me a black eye,” Rose said.
“It’s not my fault you don’t understand how horses work,” I said, continuing to stroke the horse’s nose. I sighed. Would that I could be with the animal forever. But there were conversations to be had and people to have them with. “Soren’s alone now,” I said, feeling through the weak link that we had between us. He wasn’t overly angry, and it didn’t feel like he’d broken anything, or at least, he hadn’t broken Seppo, so that was a good sign. It was time to go and try for round two. “I think Seppo is all right. You know Soren wouldn’t actually hurt his friends.”
Rose smirked. “I know, I know. But it’s fun to make fun of him and his poor impulse control. Plus, maybe you’ve never encountered Soren in a fit of true rage. He’s pretty good at not doing that around you, but none of us get the same courtesy, and while I’m sure the brute would never kill me, it’s absolutely terr
ifying to behold.”
I smiled. “I’ll take your word for it.”
I left the stables feeling somewhat better about the situation. A little more lighthearted where before I swore my entire body was weighed down with lead. Soren and I had a relationship that was strong as iron, and it would survive this. We would talk, and, considering what Rosamund said, we would talk more often. If two pigheaded people had to be in a relationship and make it work, it was us.
I couldn’t hide my surprise at seeing Soren staring at the doorway to our chambers by the time I got there. He caught me in his gaze and managed to look slightly embarrassed. “It’s silly,” he said, “but opening it’s … hard. Knowing what we have to speak about.”
I nodded. “I understand.” Striding forward, I gently pushed the door open.
Both of us situated ourselves on chairs, turning to face each other. For a moment, all we did was stare, neither of us able to think of the correct words or get them to come out.
I managed to start. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I should’ve told you in the beginning. But I was scared. I wanted to prove that I could handle it on my own. That I wasn’t still some vulnerable child, y’know? And then Diaval found out because she could see his specter and that led to the others finding out, and soon, Seppo, Rose, and she knew, and you didn’t, and I didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t because I didn’t trust you or don’t love you. I do. So much. I’d kept the secret and waved off telling you until now, and you were right when you said it’s harder to tell someone something the longer you keep it a secret. But I was scared.”
Soren nodded, a pensive look on his face. “I can understand that. I know you weren’t trying to hurt me. But,” he sighed, “I wish … if there is one thing I want for us, Janneke, it’s for you to feel safe. I know you might never feel completely safe … but I want to be there when you don’t. I don’t want you to feel the need to hide from me when you’re vulnerable because you don’t want to add on to my burdens or you’re scared. If you can’t carry it alone, I’ll help you carry it. Because I love you.”
Warmth trickled inside my chest, and I smiled softly. “I’ll try. Next time something happens. Next time I’m scared or feeling vulnerable. I’ll try to remember to speak to you and that me speaking to you doesn’t make me weak.”
One of Soren’s rare smiles graced his face. “That’s all I ask.”
I leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek before he turned his head to meet my lips. It was a soft kiss, a gentle kiss, a tender kiss of forgiveness that didn’t need to be spoken. I didn’t want to break away, but I knew I had to, because our conversation wasn’t over yet.
Both of us sat back in our chairs, and neither of us needed the link to feel the absolute dread at the discussion ahead.
“So,” Soren said, leaning forward. “About Lydian.”
7
THE WORLDENDERS
“BEFORE I SAY anything about what I learned,” I said, “I want to say it doesn’t matter. No matter what he knew or saw, he did terrible things of his own volition to both of us. And what he did was wrong, even if he saw the future, he was still wrong to do what he did.”
I’d been repeating this over and over in my head ever since the end of my discussion with him, knowing that if I didn’t, it would be so easy to cross over into territory where I would blame myself and go back to the horrible self-loathing I’d been fighting to keep away. No matter what, he had no right.
Soren may not have been on the physical end of Lydian’s tortured visions, but he was one of the major parts that they circled around. The last known direct bloodline of the original Erlking, who bonded with the first incarnation of the stag, had now become Erlking himself, bonding with the newest incarnation of the stag, setting off the start of the instability that would cause the end of the world. Blood through blood.
That … that was a burden he was going to have to bear and carry on his shoulders, and I didn’t need to be the stag to know it wouldn’t be easy on him. I wished I could have lessened some of the pain he surely was about to feel.
Soren nodded in agreement. “Continue.”
I laced my hands together in my lap. “Lydian was always … off. I don’t know how off he was in the beginning, but literally everyone has been reassuring me that what happened to him wasn’t what made him a bad, evil person with a twisted sense of everything. It made that part of him worse.
“You said people in your family can sometimes see visions of the future. Your father and grandfather could, but Lydian couldn’t and it enraged him, so he went to the svartlelf caves and demanded to have the gift of sight to a much younger Donnar. He crossed the line too far, and Donnar cursed him with the knowledge of everything here and now, in the future, of the past, every heartbeat and sway of the wind and future of blades of grass. He broke his mind further by making sure he could never tell anyone what he saw, not flat out.”
Soren winced, then frowned. “That actually makes a lot of sense, unfortunately. Why my father said he took a turn for the worse after entering the caverns.”
“One of the things he saw was you and me.”
“Yes, I remember what you said. I’m related to the first Erlking through my mother, and my bloodline coming back into power along with you becoming the stag started Ragnarök. Together we tried to save the world but doomed it instead, and only Lydian knew the truth.” The tone in his voice had lowered and was the only way I could tell he was upset by this. Otherwise, his face remained passive and stoic.
That wasn’t good. I knew Soren, and I didn’t have to guess about the pain he was feeling right now. Because I’d dealt with it myself many times before. Reaching out, I grabbed his hand in mine and squeezed reassuringly. “Soren, you can’t blame yourself. You can’t hate yourself for this.”
“Why not?” he bit out. “Why did the stag even choose me if I was going to destroy everything? Why shouldn’t I hate myself?”
I leaned forward. “Because the stag saw something worthy in you. I see something worthy in you. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be the Erlking.” He turned his face away and I turned it back, my hand resting on his cheek. I stared into his lilac eyes, saw the shimmer of pain in them. “You can’t blame yourself. You can’t hate yourself. I know that. I’ve spent a hundred years hating myself for things I couldn’t control, and now I realize that’s no way to live. Because then, they’ve won.”
For so long self-hatred had held me back, and even now I struggled not to be as hard on myself. I wouldn’t let Soren fall down the same rabbit hole if I could help it. Because once you fell down, it was a grueling, never-ending climb back up.
“You really believe that?” he said, uncharacteristically quiet.
“I have to,” I said. “I have to believe there’s some type of reason that we are where we are right now. That what’s happening to the world is something that maybe we caused, through no fault of our own, but years of prophecy instead—but also, something we can change. If we can’t hold onto the belief that this fight matters because we’re fighting it—because even if we can’t control what our bloodlines did, we can control what they do now—then we fucking have already let everything and everyone against us win by default. And I don’t care if it’s Lydian or the end of the world, neither of those things are going to win. Okay. Focus on that. Please.”
He gave a small sigh, then nodded. “I’ll try. I … I’ve never been unsure of myself like this until now.”
I couldn’t help but giggle. “You’re normally pretty full of yourself. But it’s endearing, don’t worry.”
He shot me a cocky grin. “I’m glad you find my arrogance attractive. I’ll remember that next time you claim I’m going to turn your hair white with exasperation.”
I fingered a curl of my hair, staring with disdain at the white streak. There were only a few, and I hoped they didn’t continue to turn. Though it had nothing to do with Soren causing me stress. I was finally beginning to like my appearance. Maybe I’d never fully accept m
y scars, but I could appreciate them, and looking in the mirror and seeing a reflection so similar to my father’s, dark skin and hair amidst the snowy landscape, no longer filled me with misplaced guilt, but pride. I hoped my hair stayed the same color for the most part even if a few white streaks marked the stag’s power inside of me.
“You’re not the one currently turning my hair white. I seem to be doing that well enough on my own.”
Soren leaned forward until our foreheads pressed against each other, and I could feel his soft breath tickling my face. My hand fell away from his cheek as we fell into a kiss, and I bit back a moan as desire flooded through me. One of his hands tangled itself into my hair as we rose together, only to fall back on the sleeping platform. He carefully kept his weight off me as our kiss deepened and his other hand gripped my hip hard, pulling me in toward him. When we embraced this time, I couldn’t stifle the sounds coming from deep in my throat. I let myself get lost in his body, in his touch, and let the worries of the past few days melt away.
* * *
AFTER THAT, WE lay there for a while, breathing hard and covered in sweat. Soren’s fingers absently rubbed my shoulders and I leaned into his body, one leg between his, allowing him to shield me from the world. There were many times where being short was annoying and a hindrance, and this was definitely not one of them. I loved the way I could feel so totally protected by him. Even with all the chaos going on, it was one thing I could always rely on. And I was also glad that I even accepted those feelings in the first place, knowing before the Hunt, anything other than coldness would have been unbelievable.
He pressed his pale blue lips to my forehead, and I buried my head in his chest. “We’re going to have to get up and make a game plan soon,” I mumbled into his body. “Tell the people that we trust. Figure out what we’re going to do, how.”
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