by Amy Brent
I thought carefully about Madeline as I drove home. I thought her to be in her early twenties, perhaps twenty-five. That wasn’t grossly younger than I was, but we were in different places in life. Was I even ready to think about another woman in my life? Was it proper to feel this way for someone? What were the rules when you were a widower?
I had no damn idea. I didn’t think that anyone would replace what my wife had been to me, but I also knew that she didn’t want me alone. Laura told me as much in her last days when she was still lucid. We talked a lot then. It was a struggle to see her with the hospice nurse moving around her bed in the last few days when we couldn’t talk at all.
It was even harder to say goodbye, but I did it with strength in my voice until I knew that she was gone. I didn’t want her to see me break. I took a short time off work after her death but returned quickly, needing to stay busy and distracted. I spent a lot of time at work and the gym, coming home to the big house tired so I’d fall right asleep. It wasn’t always successful, but it was getting easier with time. I was going to be okay.
My parents just lived a few hours away, and I visited them a lot. It made my mom happy to see me, and they were getting older now themselves, so I cherished the time. Dad was a surgeon as well in his day and very well-known, making it tough to follow in his shoes sometimes. Maybe that is why I never had kids since Dad was gone a lot and it was Mom raising my brother Lucas and me mostly on her own. Laura had been a lawyer, so she worked long hours as well. We were just career people.
I pulled into my garage and turned the key to silence the engine, sitting quietly in the three-car garage for a moment as the door closed behind me. It was a beautiful modern house with four bedrooms, three bathrooms and a basement that we’d turned into a theater. There was a pool in the backyard with a spa as well. We liked to relax after work. I paid the house off with her insurance once it was settled and considered selling it some days. I didn’t need all this room for just myself, and I could take the money from the sale and fix up something smaller, like a two bedroom. I didn’t need all of this.
I sighed as I walked inside and went over to the Vitamix to fix a post workout smoothie. I added equal amounts of vegetables, fruits, and a scoop of protein powder before turning it on and staring out of the window at the spacious backyard. It was beautiful but so much for just me and the emptiness of the house seemed to thicken as I took a slow breath.
There were a lot of women at the hospital willing to help me through the loss of my wife in some creative ways. I’d been propositioned by doctors, nurses and even the occasional patient. It was immediate once the news of Laura’s passing got around the hospital, and disgusting in some of its forms. I was a man and had needs, but I wasn’t looking to jump into bed the second that Laura’s coffin was in the ground. I had more class than that and to be honest, nobody peaked my interest that way that Madeline did until now.
What did that mean?
I showered and sipped my smoothie as I watched a hockey game on television. My Hawks weren’t in the playoffs this year, but I appreciated the sport enough to watch other teams and enjoy it. I liked a little of all the sports and found it relaxing after a long day. I hadn’t spent a lot of time in the theater after Laura died, since watching movies was our thing to do together. Now I watched everything in the living room or the big master bedroom, often falling asleep to the soft noise and light of the screen.
I did have needs. I would readily admit that, and I turned on my laptop in bed to find something to work my cock to. I found some amateur porn with a blonde that resembled Madeline, stroking myself as I watched a man take her on her knees. She screamed as he fucked her hard and I grabbed a tissue as I felt the pressure in my balls. What would Madeline sound like in bed? Would she be adorably shy like she was today, or did she have a crazy streak in her?
The hospital drama filled my head as I imagined being in a sexual relationship with Madeline. The rumors ran rampant around the building, and I dreaded the thought of it as I thought about friends that had been dragged through it already. Was I ready for that after so many years of a comfortable, private relationship? Was I willing to be in the spotlight that way?
I groaned as I came, imagining a lot of erotic scenarios in my head as I shot into the Kleenex. Even the one-night stand that I did have while away for a conference wasn’t this powerful, and I felt a hell of a lot less guilt getting myself off. Being with someone else was strange after being so used to my wife.
I wasn’t sure if I was ready for it even now.
CHAPTER 4
Madeline
I woke up early and ran to the gym before work, feeling inspired by the night before. Declan wasn’t there, and I looked down at the outfit that I’d matched today and laughed to myself. It was still healthy to be here, right? I did a little longer on one of the elliptical machines and a few weights before running home to shower. I braided my hair in a loose plait over my shoulder and lined my eyes with a molten gray liner before adding a layer of mascara. I told myself that this wasn’t for Declan as I searched my drawer for something for my lips, settling on a pink lipstick. I rarely wore makeup to work since I would sweat it off running around, but it was good to try for the patients. A happy nurse that looked put together made for content patients. That is what I was going to tell myself.
I pulled on my dark pink scrubs and a pair of sneakers that would support my feet for the long day ahead of me. I locked my door and walked to my car as I looked at the bright sun in the sky while locking my door. I’d eaten a plate of eggs and bacon before leaving and shoved some snacks in my purse to grab when I had some free time. I could grab dinner in the cafeteria if I had time, but that was rare on most nights.
I walked in and locked up my stuff, clocked in at the main desk and glanced around to see what needed to be done. I was here long enough to recognize people but not know all the names and I searched for people I’d talked to the most. I was curious about Declan, but I didn’t want to appear nosy. It needed to be casual if possible.
Was that even possible?
I saw Lily typing something into the computer and headed her way to offer my help. I liked to know what was happening when I got here, so I always made a point of asking. “Hi, Lily. Is there anything that I need to do right away?” I asked as she glanced at me with a smile on her freckled face.
“Enjoy the peace for a minute. You never know what will happen around this place,” Lily winked at me as I laughed softly. She was right. I went to a computer and read what was going on, also checking on Suzie. She was still here under observation, and I considered getting her a little stuffed animal from the gift shop to drop off on a break. She’d like that, wouldn’t she?
Maybe it was too much for an ER nurse to do. I didn’t think that the little girl remembered me from last night with all that she’d been through. I glanced at Lily, wondering if I should ask her when a voice came over the radio. “Here we go,” Lily said as she grabbed it. There was a multi-vehicle car accident nearby, and the ambulances were headed our way. I took a deep breath and walked out with Lily to where they would be arriving to see what we were in for. I think that I saw more shootings and accidents than anything else, so I was well versed with them now.
We were finishing, and I took a drink of water before I headed back to the main desk. People came in one after the other, and I was surprised when I realized that four hours had passed. Lily told me to get some fresh air, and I walked outside, leaning against the wall as I took the night in. There was a lot of activity out here with cars and ambulances parked wildly, and I took a slow, deep breath. Between the ambulances and the walk-ins, I was exhausted.
“Madeline,” said a male voice as I blinked and looked up to see Declan walking towards me.
“Hi. What are you doing out here?” I asked as he smiled.
“I make a point of getting fresh air as much as I can. I am in this particular spot because I just did a consult in your area.” He stopped in front of me and
stared down at me as his eyes searched my face. “How is your night?”
“Busy, but I chose the ER in part for that reason. I am used to keeping myself occupied,” I admitted, knowing that it was true. Even as a kid, I was always busy, and my aunt and mother teased me for it. I suspected that it had to do with my dad leaving even without a long history to remember him by. I was drawn towards men that I met along the way like teachers, finding wisdom in them. I liked older guys when I was at the dating age, and I blushed at the thought. Here I was again.
“I picked surgery because that is what my father did,” Declan murmured as I smiled at him.
“My mom is still a nurse to this day. I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, does it?” I asked as he laughed with me. The heat between us was evident in the cool air around us, making me heat up rapidly as I struggled to take a breath.
“No, it would seem not. What time does your shift end?” Declan asked as I widened my eyes.
“Not until three in the morning,” I replied as disappointment flashed across his face.
“Too bad. I am working until eight,” Declan said as I felt what I’d seen in his eyes flood my body. Disappointment. What was wrong with me? Men didn’t get to me like this.
“Yeah,” I breathed as he looked around and then glanced down at my lips. My pager buzzed, and I jumped violently before looking down at it. “I have to go back in.”
“I’ll be at the gym after I get off, somewhere around nine,” he told me as I looked up and met his heated gaze.
“Maybe I’ll see you there,” I replied before I pushed away from the wall and stood closer to him.
The kisses that I’d shared with men before now played through my mind as I walked back to the ER and was directed to a room with a sick little boy. Unfortunately, I recognized his symptoms as the flu that was going around and told the doctor that came in what I was thinking. She read over the charts and nodded at me with a wink before turning to the little boy.
I thought about the fact that I’d never slept with a man. I’d dated and come close, but I feared that final step. I knew that it would hurt and wanted it to be special, as well as experience it with someone that made me really want it. It felt silly being my age and a virgin, but I just didn’t readily admit it to anyone. I didn’t reveal a lot to anyone, staying introverted and keeping to myself most of the time.
Kelly came in later that night, and I watched as she and Lily laughed over something on the computer. They were close, and I hadn’t been that way with a lot of people in my life. I was close to Mom and Shelly and a few individuals in college, but we all ended up at different jobs. That was how life was, and I considered the idea that I was ready for a close friend and maybe a man in my life. Well, not just any man.
I did manage to grab a soft, pink teddy bear from the gift shop and passed Declan as I headed to Suzie’s room. He looked at the bear and then into my face as I smiled at him, turning the corner to peer into her room. Her aunt was sitting with her, and I stepped quietly so I wouldn’t scare her. “Oh. Hi,” she said as she rubbed her eyes, the circles dark and prominent underneath them. She looked at the bear with surprise in her weary eyes and smiled gently. Suzie was sleeping so she wouldn’t know who gave it to her, but I smiled at her aunt.
“Can you give this to her for me? I thought that it might brighten her day some.” I handed her the bear, and she looked at it with wonder before meeting my eyes.
“Yes, of course. This is so sweet. Thank you.” She stood to hug me, catching me off guard as her arms wrapped tightly around me. She cried a little, and I stilled before embracing her in return. “She’s coming home with me in two days. My family is moving her stuff over to the apartment now, so everything will be ready for her.”
“That’s great,” I told her as we parted, and she sighed.
“I still have no idea what I am doing, but she trusted me. I have to try.” The woman wiped tears from her eyes, and I smiled and nodded. When I turned to leave, I saw Declan leaning against the counter across from the room, watching everything with a soft expression on his face.
CHAPTER 5
Declan
Madeline came out with a shy expression on her face. “Was she a patient of yours before this?” I asked her as she licked her pink lips and nodded. “That was kind of you.”
“She lost her mom to a drunk driver. Her aunt is taking care of her now and I just…felt bad. I wanted to do something nice,” Madeline replied as she shrugged helplessly. “Is that too much?”
“No. It’s nice to see,” I assured Madeline as she met my eyes and nodded. “They’ll remember you, Madeline.”
“I hope so,” she said as she glanced towards the ER. “I should get back.”
I looked at her for a long moment as I struggled with my feelings. Madeline was sweet, but she made me hard as a fucking rock at the same time, and it was mixing me up inside. “Meet me at the gym, if you’re awake. We can get breakfast after.”
“I will try to be there around eight thirty,” she told me before slinking off to head back to work. I saw a doctor walk by as she left and give me a curious look. Of course, it had to be one of the ones that hit on me first and had the biggest mouth in the hospital.
Great. Madeline was going to be a part of the rumor mill before anything even happened. I turned to go prepare for a brain surgery, going into my focused mood for the procedure that had nothing to do with the drama in the building. I remembered my father telling me that all that mattered was the patient and their well-being. That was my job, and they depended on me for that. I walked into the room and glanced at the staff helping me, noticing a few new faces watching from the window as I took a deep breath.
This was just a young woman that had a tumor. This surgery could save her and rid her of cancer, with all hopes that it wouldn’t return. I thought about all the doctors that did this without feeling and respect, and the image of Madeline carrying that bear in her hands came to mind as I smiled. She had a strong feeling for her work, and it drew me closer to her.
Focus, Declan. Save it for any other time than here
. I got back into the moment and completed the long surgery before I left the room. I washed up and looked at the clock to see that I was an hour shy of being finished. I let out a long sigh and went to get some water as some of the doctors observing stepped over to congratulate me on a smooth surgery. I thanked them and got my drink before I went to speak to the family and assure them that everything went well.
I clocked out and changed into my clothes for the gym before leaving. My bottle of water was in the car, and I took a long sip before driving to the gym, just wanting Madeline to be there. I wanted to get to know her since she was one of the only people I had truly connected with at the hospital through my sense of compassion. I parked in the lot of the gym and went inside, going to find a treadmill for a run to release the day from my body. The exercise was as much therapy as it was for my physical health. It was a way to wear myself out and wind down in some odd way. Walking into the gym, I noted that it wasn’t too crowded as I looked over the cardio room to see if I could be next to Madeline.
If she showed up.
I picked one in the corner of the room that was a bit more private. I wanted to be able to talk to Madeline today. I wanted to know what was in those pretty eyes of hers and why she was so kind. Being a nurse was about caring for others, but they didn’t all take it to the level that Madeline did. They all didn’t bring bears that they bought to patients that had left the area of the hospital that they worked in.
It was something that I’d done a time or two when patients really got under my skin. It was something that Laura had done for clients when she was still alive, and before that, I’d never met anybody with that quality about them. I felt like I needed to hold onto it with Madeline somehow despite that feeling that it was wrong, or perhaps too soon.
The medical industry was a money maker for a lot of people. Some kids went to college for all that
time to make the salary, even if a lot of it went to student loans. They felt like they were important to the world and that they were sometimes better than everyone else because of their job. It was bullshit. My father loved his job, and I do as well. I met a lot of people that were impressed with the title and the money, but for me, it was a job that was in my heart.
I sounded like a sappy teenager instead of an older man. I got the treadmill going and started to run, waking up my senses for a bit and giving me a surge of adrenaline. I held back on looking around too much to see if she was arriving but glanced rapidly over when someone stepped onto the treadmill beside me. Blonde hair greeted me, and those green eyes that haunted my mind ever since she’d bumped into me shone as she smiled at me. “Hey,” Madeline greeted me as she set her bottle in its place and turned on the machine. “How was the rest of your shift?”
“I did a brain surgery. It went well but it was long,” I admitted as I shook my head. “Yours?”
