Fazire watched her closely for a moment, nodded, although it was clear to see he was not convinced, likely seeing the stronger other half, and then he floated down the stairs even though she’d asked him not to do any of his genie antics in front of the workmen. Fazire really didn’t like stairs, going up or going down. Luckily the workmen were too busy to notice.
The next week, Nate’s temporary office in Bristol was ready for him and life changed again in the seafront terraced house.
Nate was a force of nature not living in the house. He filled it with his quiet dynamic when he actually spent time there.
Fazire’s genie pout switched immediately to open hostility. If he’d been allowed to do magic, there would have been hell to pay. Instead, he burnt Nate’s toast all week even though Tash’s and Lily’s was perfection, accidentally misplaced Nate’s car keys twice and kept moving Nate’s mobile phone to various deep regions in the house.
This last backfired as Nate would ring his phone with Lily’s mobile and Tash would run around the house trying to find it just like it was a game. Fazire would watch this with an expression that clearly said, “Foiled”.
Tash, on the other hand, moved directly from blossoming under the loving care of the possibility of a complete family unit straight to full, glorious bloom when that family became a reality.
Nate still worked ungodly hours but he was always there for breakfast even getting up first to wake Tash for school, this not only allowed Lily to sleep in but also had the unprecedented bonus of the usually morning-grumpy Tash flying out of bed full of energy and good cheer. And he was always home at the very latest to put Tash to bed.
This he did by laying in it with her, his big body stretched out on her girlie comforter, holding one side of her book while she rested her head on his chest and held the other. In this position he listened to her read.
He could and did, to Tash’s delight, she was a superior reader for her age and liked to show off her skill, do this for hours. They did it even sometimes until after her bedtime which Lily allowed, telling herself they were both making up time.
Lily would watch them surreptitiously, she couldn’t help it. Her daughter was so full of joyful happiness; it was a pleasure to see.
And secretly Lily loved watching Nate with Tash. She’d dreamed of it for years, thinking it would never be a reality. And the reality, for Tash, was better than any dream Lily could create.
As for Lily, Nate’s being home more often meant making up time in an entirely different way.
Just as eight years before, they didn’t share their deepest secrets, hopes, wishes and dreams over romantic dinners or during pillow talk. Just as eight years before, they barely talked at all. But just like eight years before, they made love. A lot. Nate couldn’t seem to get enough of her. This Lily understood because she seemed equally to want him more after every time they’d been together.
However, this time it was different. This time she held herself back or she tried, it was difficult. It was Nate, her wish, her romantic hero come alive (again). This time she enjoyed the beauty of their lovemaking, participated in it, allowed him to teach her new things and take her to new heights but she never let herself go or mostly she didn’t, well, perhaps sometimes she managed to think about trying not to let herself go before she let herself go.
And sometimes, something would happen. Something profound and extraordinary. Something Lily didn’t understand but she desperately wanted to even though she told herself over and over again that she didn’t.
Some door would open to Nate’s heavily-guarded soul, allowing her to catch a glimpse and then it would shut before she got a good look inside. Just like when he’d run his lips across the scar on her belly.
Once, in the heat of the moment, his hand was between her legs making her ache with longing and he was kissing her in a way that caused her to stop breathing and then he’d shifted over her. In a smooth, swift movement, he’d entered her and she so loved to have him inside.
She’d put her hands to either side of his face, lost in the moment of being joined with him. She looked him in the eyes and said exactly what was in her heart.
“You’re so beautiful.”
His whole body stopped, went statue-still and he’d stared at her before saying something strange and heartbreaking.
“Only you see that, Lily.”
It was Lily’s turn to go statue-still but Nate didn’t allow her to stay that way for long. His mouth took hers in a fierce kiss and his hands coaxed her back to squirming underneath him.
After, when he’d tucked her back to his front and buried his face in her hair, she thought about what he’d said.
Lily couldn’t imagine Nate, so confident, so powerful, would think that only she, Lily, saw his beauty. It was plain for everyone to see and everyone looked, mainly women.
At the very least he had to know how Victor and Laura felt about him. And now Tash.
She wanted to talk to him about it, tried to find the words but three things stopped her.
Firstly, Nate himself. Even if she had found the words, he wouldn’t have answered. He wouldn’t open up to her, hadn’t done it before and wouldn’t do it now. Not that Lily had tried but she couldn’t bear the thought of the door being slammed in her face.
She had no idea why he had let her go all those years before. Even though he thought she left him, why he had not come after her looking for answers, for they were his due, no one just ups and leaves for no reason. It was simply not good form.
Lily still found the idea of her ever leaving him utterly ridiculous. But he thought she had and Lily had a strong feeling it had something to do with why he was so closed off, shut down, locked away.
Secondly, she wasn’t sure she wanted to know what was in his soul. After Victor’s dire words, Lily feared it, whatever-it-was. Even though she desperately wanted to know, she also just as desperately did not.
This brought her to the third reason, how she would react if she knew what was behind that guarded door to his heart. Worrying about it meant she cared about him and getting him to open it may mean her needing to open hers. And that she wasn’t sure she could do again even though, if she was honest with herself, she knew that it was happening already. It was, quite simply, Nate.
All of this made her want to shout at him, beg him to speak to her, trust her with whatever it was that was behind that closed door to his soul.
Because if he just told her, if he made the first step then she would know he trusted her. It would be like a gift. Almost like the gift of Tash.
It also made her want to kick him in the shin for being so bloody-minded.
Lily did not shout at him or kick him in the shin as much as she wanted to do both.
Instead, she did the next best thing.
She talked to his mother. She didn’t mean to, but it happened all the same. And it didn’t go very well at all.
The Roberts had decided to come on the weekends. This they decided without much input from Nate or Lily, it was simply just going to happen. This, Lily knew, was in order to see and get to know Tash. But also it was to see Nate. Since they’d adopted him, he’d been a regular fixture in their lives. Without their other two children, they were alone together.
Coming to the second weekend that Nate was in Somerset, he was strangely tense. He always seemed aware, on edge, attuned to everything around him. However that weekend it was magnified and all this seemed entirely centred on Lily.
Nate was now in the occasional habit of holding one of his hands at her hip, his fingers biting into the flesh there as if they wanted to fuse with her skin. But that weekend, anytime she was within touching distance, his hand went to her, his fingers pressing into her. Further, he seemed unable to let her out of his sight, levelling his dark gaze on her as if he wanted to pin her to the spot, as if he expected she’d go up in a puff of smoke at any minute.
“I tell you, Victor is driving me up the wall,” Laura complained, breaking Lily out of h
er reverie as they walked along the seafront to have coffees and cakes at The Witches Dozen.
Nate and Tash were strolling ahead of the pack, hand-in-hand. This sight gave Lily a sense of contentment which she told herself she felt for Tash.
Victor and Fazire were striding behind Nate and Tash.
There had been serious animosity between Victor and Fazire, even more than Fazire held against Nate but Fazire was beginning to lose his battle against Nate. It was difficult to continue to be hostile against someone who did not react, at all, whatsoever.
However that day, Fazire and Victor seemed to have reached a détente. A détente which was quickly eroding as Victor was trying to convince Fazire to turn his obsessive love of baseball to soccer.
Laura, Maxine and Lily were lagging behind, way behind, and Lily was keeping a close eye on Fazire who, she could tell, was about to blow.
Laura and Lily hadn’t needed words to put their relationship back on track. The Saturday before, when the Roberts came to visit, without a word Lily had put her arms around Laura and Laura immediately burst into sloppy tears. Lily joined her, they’d cried themselves spent in each other’s arms then they’d leaned back, took one look at the other’s face and burst out laughing.
That had been that.
Laura went on with her rant. “He’s supposed to be semi-retired but he’d go into the office every day. Now, with Nate not being there, he doesn’t go. Instead he stays home and asks questions. ‘Laura, where’s such-and-such?’ or ‘Laura, where’s so-and-so?’ And then, ‘Why in bloody hell do you keep it there?’ Even though it’s been there for twenty-five years and he’s never questioned it before.”
Maxine was laughing quietly and Lily was watching closely as Victor was comparing George Best to Ryne Sandberg and Fazire’s face was turning alarmingly purple.
“Then he moves it to where he thinks it’s better suited to be and then I can’t find it and have to ask him. I kid you not; I plotted his murder yesterday while eating a full bag of Malteasers. It’s the perfect murder and I’m pretty sure I could get away with it.”
Maxine stopped chuckling quietly to let out a burst of raucous laughter and Lily smiled as she caught Laura’s hand to give it a reassuring squeeze.
Nate and Tash both looked around at the sound of Maxie’s laughter and Lily transferred her smile to her daughter. Then she swung it to Nate and it faltered.
He didn’t return her smile. He didn’t seem to be enjoying their jaunt during a sunny summer day. Nor did he seem happy that his whole family was together. He seemed wary, guarded, or more guarded than usual, and even poised for action.
What action that would be, Lily could not fathom.
“I think there’s something wrong with Nate,” Lily blurted out and Maxie and Laura turned startled eyes to her at the sound of the concern in her voice on what seemed such a happy day.
She watched as Nate turned away and guided Tash into the coffee shop just as Fazire cried, “Sandberg was an All Star, Golden Glove, MVP. He could do much more than kick a ball with his foot!”
At Fazire’s words, Victor’s face started to turn alarmingly purple.
“What do you mean, Lily?” Laura asked, cutting Lily’s attention away from Fazire’s heated outburst and Victor’s not surprising response.
Lily stopped dead on the pavement and watched Nate and Tash disappear into The Dozen. Laura and Maxie stopped too and Lily turned to them, looking from one woman to the other.
“I don’t know, I can’t describe it. He’s not the most happy-go-lucky person in the world. He’s always on edge in a way. But lately, he seems somehow…” she paused, fighting for words and not finding them, “more on edge.” She finished lamely.
Both Laura and Maxine shifted their gazes to the door of the coffee shop which Victor and Fazire were walking through both men’s arms gesticulating wildly. Then the women’s gazes swung to look at each other. Then they moved to look at Lily.
“Lily,” Laura said, “my son is a rather…” she seemed at a loss for words too and continued, “intense man.”
“You can say that again,” Maxie mumbled.
“I know that.” Lily lifted her hand to pull her hair back from her face and held it at the crown at the back of her head, tugging at it gently in frustration. “I can’t explain it so I’ll demonstrate it.”
Both women nodded encouragingly in perfect synch.
Lily carried on. “Whenever he’s near enough to touch me, he puts his hand at my waist like this…”
Lily dropped her hand and put one on both women’s hips, just like Nate did, her fingers pressing into their skin.
As Lily’s hands dropped away, Maxine said helpfully, “I think, sweetling, Nate is somewhat, er,” her gaze slid to Laura and then back to Lily, “possessive.”
“I know that too!” Lily cried and then continued. “But it’s not that. I swear it’s like he wants to fuse with me. I can’t explain it but it isn’t only that. He’s started to look at me like, I don’t know, like he thinks I’m going to… to… disappear, go up in smoke. Poof!” She exclaimed, lifting both of her hands to the sides of her face and splaying them dramatically with a whoosh.
Laura’s face slowly lit with understanding and Lily pounced on it immediately.
“What?”
Laura looked toward the coffee house and then back at Lily. Her understanding now tinged with something bittersweet and alarmingly sad, making Lily’s heart beat a little faster in hopes of learning something and in fear of what she might learn.
“It’s your anniversary,” she whispered.
“My what?” Lily asked, not expecting to hear that.
However, whatever Laura was talking about also dawned on Maxine.
“Dearie me, that it is,” Maxine breathed and she, too, looked in the direction of The Dozen, her face contemplative.
“What?” Lily exclaimed.
Laura put her hand out to touch Lily’s arm. “My darling, the last time… before…” She broke off and shook her head as if to clear it. Then she closed her eyes for a long moment clearly struggling with herself about something. When she opened them, they were bright and direct. “You disappeared after two weeks.”
Lily stared at her still confused. “And?”
Laura’s hand squeezed Lily’s arm. “And it’s been two weeks,” Laura finished as if that explained everything.
Lily shook her head, still not comprehending and Laura moved closer to her.
“The last time you were together, you disappeared into thin air after two weeks. Nathaniel left home in the morning and you were there. He came back in the evening and you were gone, not a trace of you left, just like you disappeared in a puff of smoke.” She paused as Lily’s eyes widened in understanding. “Now you’ve been back together for two weeks and Nathaniel, well, Nathaniel would know the significance of that. He’d remember it, he remembers everything.”
“But Laura, I didn’t disappear. We…” Lily stopped and bit her lip, then forged ahead. “We don’t have to go into that. But Nate knows that I didn’t go anywhere then and I’m not going anywhere now.”
Maxine chimed in. “The mind plays tricks on us, sweetling. We can know something rationally but not believe it. Trust me, I’m the most irrationally rational person there is, or is that the most rationally irrational?” she asked Laura and Laura gave her a weak smile.
“This is ridiculous, Nate can’t think…” She didn’t finish, couldn’t fathom it. He was there, she was there, Tash was there, the Roberts, even Fazire seemed to be behaving himself, or as close as Fazire could get. Then she started again. “I’m not going to go anywhere.”
Laura cut in. “There are things about Nate you don’t know.”
It was at these words that Lily’s frustration at not knowing about Nate, not understanding why his shields were up, why the impenetrable armour shrouded his heart, broke through like a rocket.
“Yes, you’re right. There is a lot that I don’t know about Nate,” she cli
pped out in a low, angry voice. “A lot he doesn’t say, a lot he doesn’t share. He didn’t let me in eight years ago and he isn’t letting me in now. And not letting me in before meant that he let me go. Do you know what that means for now? How that makes me feel? Especially now, with Tash? I’m living with a complete stranger!”
“Lily –” Laura interrupted but Lily continued, on a roll and it was difficult stopping one of Lily’s rolls.
“He didn’t trust me then and he doesn’t trust me now and I’m telling you, I’m sick of it. I can’t ask, because he won’t tell me. I can’t –”
“Lily –” It was Maxine this time but Lily was not to be stopped.
“It’s like… like, he’s encased in ice and a suit of steel. I can’t reach him. Even if I were to try to pick away at it, take a blow torch to it, somehow he’s just… simply… removed.”
Laura moved in closer, grabbed both of Lily’s arms and gave her a bit of a shake.
“Lily, quiet!” she whispered urgently. “You’re making a scene and they may come out.”
“I don’t care!” Lily quite liked the idea of a scene. Maybe if she made a scene she might get somewhere.
Laura shook her head again and started to look panicked.
Then Lily grabbed hold of Laura the same way Laura was holding her. “You have to tell me, Laura. If you know what it is, what’s behind that door that Nate has so firmly closed, you have to tell me.”
Laura shook her head, her panic turning strangely to fear.
“Please, you must,” Lily begged.
“I can’t. It’s not my place. He’d never forgive me. He hides it. He puts so much effort into hiding it, like it was wrong, like it was dirty. Yet he seems somehow… proud of it. But he’d never forgive me if I told you, never. And, Lily, I couldn’t bear to lose him, he’s the only child I have left.”
There it was again, “wrong” Laura said, “dirty”. And Victor had said “Nathaniel suffered”. All these ominous words that described him and Lily, who he was supposed to be marrying, spending the rest of his life with, who was the mother of his child, didn’t seem to have the right to know.
Three Wishes Page 28
