by Kimbra Swain
“Not here and not now,” he said.
As much as I wanted to demand that he tell me, I held my tongue. The old Grace would have lashed out at him, but I refused to allow the darkness to overtake me again. Besides my children and Dylan, Levi was the most important person in my life. I hated to admit it, but he kept me going over the last weeks. He never let me drift into the sadness that swirls around me. The ache of Dylan’s absence chewed at my soul day and night. In a role reversal for the ages, I was the one lowering my head to stare at my feet.
The tingle increased to a thrum, and I felt his warm hand on my neck again. His words were spoken into my hair as he leaned into me. “Do you want me to tell you right now? Right here in the woods? I’ll take off all my clothes and show you every mark on my body. Is that what you want?”
“Levi,” I muttered. His directness was throwing me off.
“I will do whatever you command me to do,” he said.
“That’s not what I want,” I said.
“I get it. You are worried about me and my mental state. I swear to you that none of that matters because I’m here with you and the kids. Everything else is secondary for me. If it comes to the point where I need to tell you what happened down there, then I will. Until then, you have to trust that I’m fine,” he said, confidently.
Maybe my original observation was wrong. Perhaps he had endured the torture in the Otherworld and came out on the other side more mature and controlled. I hoped that to be true. It certainly seemed like it. But that didn’t mean that he wouldn’t still be my brooding bard. If he grew out of that, I would be disappointed.
“Now, are you ready to go get that dog and go home?” he asked.
Lifting my eyes to his, I saw the light of playfulness in them. Damn him. He enjoyed rattling my sensibilities. “Yes,” I said.
“Good. Let’s go,” he said.
The dachshund tore through the new house clicking his nails on the hardwood floors. He sniffed every nook and cranny looking for whatever crumbs he could find. I poured him a bowl of dog food and filled one with water. He turned his nose up at it, then continued to search the house. Occasionally, he would stop and lick Winnie who had plopped herself down in the middle of the living room floor with a bunch of dolls. They were having a fashion show.
I had just finished feeding Aydan when Levi’s father came in.
“Good evening, William,” I said. “There are some leftovers in the fridge if you are hungry.”
“Thank you, Grace. I’m not hungry right now. Maybe later. Where is Levi?” he asked.
“I’m here, Father,” Levi said from his room upstairs.
William climbed the stairs as if he were on a mission to talk to Levi. He didn’t seem inebriated at all. However, his eyes were bloodshot. I wondered what had gotten into him to come home this early, but I tried to remind myself that he wasn’t part of those under my protection. At least he hadn’t asked for it. I had the impression he was waiting on death to claim him, but as a fairy, he could be waiting on that for a very long time.
I tried not to think of my own grief every time I looked at him, but it couldn’t be helped. This man had loved his wife with everything he had. That’s how I loved Dylan. Part of me knew that it was possible that he would never return. That he would never spend one night in this house with us. Would I end up a soulless shell like William?
“Winnie, pick up the crayons, it’s time for bed,” I said, dismissing the dark thoughts. I had to make this a conscious fight to dismiss the cold despair that might drive me to the brink of someone I didn’t want to be.
“Aw, do I have to?” she asked.
“Yes, ma’am. Right now,” I replied.
She picked up the crayons, and I went with her upstairs to her room. I helped her put pajamas on and get settled into the bed. “Can Uncle Levi read the bedtime story?”
“No, he’s busy right now. May I read it? I really want to,” I replied.
“Sure,” she said with a smile. She was so easy to please sometimes. Occasionally, she was showing some defiance, but as every parent in town told me, that was completely normal for a child her age. She would be 7 soon. In fact, her birthday was in just a couple of weeks. There was a party to be planned. A Unicorn party, of course. Levi had suggested I break out my crown. I told him to stick it where the sun don’t shine. That conversation devolved into one that I never imagined having with my bard.
After we finished the book, I clicked off the light. The room was illuminated with the glow in the dark stars that she and Astor had attached to the ceiling. Across the room, a lamp shaped like a horned stallion sparkled in the darkness.
“Night, Momma,” she said.
“Night, Winnie,” I replied.
“Night, Daddy. I hope you come home soon,” she said in the darkness.
I ground my teeth together so hard that my jaw hurt. A pain shot through my body, and I ducked out of her room gasping for breath. My child missed her father, and there was absolutely nothing I could do right now to get him back for her. It was possible that I’d never get him back. The door clicked shut, and I turned to go to my bedroom. Levi stood in the middle of the hallway looking at me.
“Grace, you okay?” he asked.
“I’m fine. Where did your father go?” I asked.
“Don’t change the subject,” he muttered.
“Levi, no. I’m not fine, but there is absolutely nothing I can do about that right now,” I sobbed.
“He left,” he responded to my previous question.
“Everything okay?” I asked.
“He’s talking about leaving town, but I convinced him to stay. He’s going to see if Remy can find him his own place in town,” he said, turning back to his room.
“Levi, why don’t you like your father?” I asked.
“Because he came here looking to get something back that he lost. Something that he will never get back. I understand that it’s the nature of his being, but…”
“You are afraid it will be you one day,” I said, reading his emotions.
“You know, this thing between us, Grace, sometimes it’s great. Sometimes it scares the shit out of me,” he said. I was stunned not knowing what to say to his admission. The soft click of his bedroom door closing cleared my daze. He left his statement hanging in the air between us.
I stalked downstairs to find Astor cleaning the kitchen. “Would you just stop that?” I said.
“Someone has to do it,” he smiled.
“Let me help,” I responded. I picked up a dish towel and began to wipe off dishes that had just finished in the dishwasher. Astor was a fabulous cook, but watching his hulking form putting china in the cabinets reminded me that he was a knight. He needed the commission of a knight.
“I have to earn my keep,” he said, almost as if he read my thoughts.
“Tell me what happened in Summer,” I said. “After I passed out.”
He paused as he put the last plate into the cabinet. “You sure?”
“You’ve never held back with telling me anything,” I said.
“I know, but you have to understand. I was dead for some of it. I can only tell you what they told me, and what I know to be the truth,” he said.
“I like the truth. I especially like it when it comes from you. I don’t have to doubt it,” I said.
He smiled as a blush rushed across his freckled cheeks. Breathing a heavy sigh, he walked into the living room taking a seat in my recliner. I let him do it. He was a huge man, and he always looked uncomfortable in the other seats. I took a seat next to Aydan sleeping in his bassinet.
“Lachlan, er, I mean, Tennyson made the decision. He said Elaine made her choice and knew the consequences. The thing was, I had made a choice too. A choice to protect you. It was a good death, and they took it from me. Don’t get me wrong. I’m thankful to be here, but a male should have never been chosen over that female’s life,” he said.
“I didn’t know Rowan very well, but I’m sure her
death was hard on Tennyson,” I said. “I’m thankful you are here, but I know you aren’t happy. I thought perhaps you might be interested in working with Troy and the police. They are like our knights around here. Our protectors. You fill that role very well.”
“You need me,” he said.
“I have plenty of help. I want you to do something for you,” I replied.
“Tennyson actually offered me a job,” he said. “But I know his business isn’t always the most righteous. He swore that he would not tarnish my integrity, but I would be associated with him no matter what he had me doing. Do you think that Mr. Maynard would allow me to try it out?”
“I’m sure that he would,” I replied.
“Dylan was the lawman here, wasn’t he?” he asked without holding back. Anytime that Astor mentioned Dylan it was with the utmost respect for a man that he didn’t know. He didn’t shy away from the fact that Dylan wasn’t here. I preferred that to the tip-toeing everyone else did about Dylan. I knew Astor’s heart to be pure, not just his body. “Perhaps I can drive the red car in the garage.”
“The what?” I asked.
“There is a fancy red car in the garage. I assumed it was yours,” he said.
I jumped up and ran through the kitchen to the door leading to the garage. We always parked the truck outside because with every previous home being mobile, I’d never had a garage. I hadn’t even looked in it since we moved in. I threw open the door. In the darkness, I could make out the sleek shape of the Camaro. Testing the light switch on the wall just outside the door, the fluorescent light illuminated Dylan’s car. I couldn’t remember where we had left the car, because we had taken the truck to Troy and Amanda’s wedding. It didn’t go down with the trailer though. It must have been in this garage since we moved into the house.
“It’s a really nice car,” Astor said.
“It’s Dylan’s car,” I replied.
“Oh, Grace, I’m sorry,” he said, but I waved him off. There was no way he could have known. A small shelf with hooks hung next to the doorway. A remote flip-out key hung from one of the pegs. I grabbed it, popping the trunk. When I peered inside, I found what I was looking for.
A long, heaving sigh escaped my lips as I grabbed the leather jacket from the trunk. I smelled the leather and peppermint before I even got my hands on it. The soft leather brushed under my fingertips. I heaved again, but this time it was a sob. There was also a box containing the pistols I’d given him at Christmas. Astor stood in the doorway, not knowing what to say.
“Move it, Scarlett.” Levi’s voice commanded the knight. He slipped sideways letting Levi pass.
“It was here the whole time,” I said.
“Damn,” Levi muttered as he wrapped me up in a hug. My body shuddered with sobs. Dylan’s jacket was wedged between us. I remembered those days when I first thought Dylan was dead. I had carried around the jacket as a reminder of him. A reminder of what could have been. But then we got to have our time together. Holding it now felt different.
Inside the house, the waking cry of a baby echoed through the garage. Levi started coaxing me back inside. “Let’s go get Aydan,” he said.
I let him lead me back into the living room. He scooped up Aydan to help shush his cries. It was time to feed him once more before bed. Then, Winnie appeared on the stairway.
“Momma,” she muttered. “Is my brother okay?”
“Yeah, he’s fine,” I choked out.
Levi looked from me to Winnie. Astor, the gentle soul that he was, said, “Come on, little Winnie. Let’s get you tucked back into bed, so your Momma can feed your brother.” He never wanted to be in the room with me when I fed Aydan. It was a propriety thing, I supposed. I wasn’t shy about it, but I knew that everyone, even fairies, had certain sensibilities about things. Astor followed Winnie up the stairs as Levi swayed back and forth with Aydan.
I clutched the jacket in my hands as I looked at Levi rocking Dylan’s child. The jacket felt very different. It felt empty.
I woke up in the gliding chair next to Aydan’s crib. After feeding him last night, Levi and I took him upstairs to his room. I refused to leave him, and Levi didn’t push the issue. The truth was that I hadn’t slept in a proper bed since we moved into the house. Whenever I went into the master bedroom, it felt empty. It was missing something. Actually, someone. I slept on the couch or in the chair next to Aydan’s bed.
When I moved, the leather jacket laying over me shifted. I caught it before it hit the floor. I couldn’t do this again. Holding on to this thing as if I hoped hard enough, he would come home. Aydan slept soundly, so I tip-toed out of the room into the next room. I opened the closet that should have been Dylan’s. Inside there was nothing but empty hangers. I took one, sliding the jacket over the plastic. Placing it in that closet was one of the toughest things I ever had to do.
Despite my royal blood, I was a girl from the trailer park. One thing I’d learned many years ago was that sometimes you gotta lock your problems in a closet, and only let them out one at a time before they overwhelm you. That wasn’t an option for me now. However, if I could lock Astor, Levi, my father, a nasty Summer queen or two, the whole Winter realm, a dead man with no eyes, and a fairy city nestled in the heart of Alabama in that closet, I would. Instead, I just locked my grief away for a time. There would come a day when the evidence would prove that he was dead or that I’d give up hope. I wasn’t to that point yet, but that leather jacket represented a distraction that would harm not only myself but my children. I chose my children over my grief.
Sucking in deep breaths, I built my fortitude for the day. Then, I took a shower. Even the mundane things of life held a stinging agony. I loved baths, but since the trailer went down into the swamp, I hadn’t had one. Quick showers, then back to being a mom. Occasionally, a queen.
When I arrived downstairs, the kitchen was a mess of pans and flour, but Levi, Astor, and Winnie sat at the dining room table chowing down on pancakes.
“Momma! The knight made pancakes!” she exclaimed. She had heard me refer to him as a knight and it stuck with her. Astor found pride in it, so I didn’t correct her.
“Join us, Grace. They are really good. Little Orphan Annie knows how to cook,” he grinned.
“Astor. Not Annie. And I’m not an orphan,” Astor explained to Levi. Not a clue.
“Damn,” I muttered as Levi broke into laughter. Winnie laughed too, but I was sure that she didn’t get the joke. When I sat down across from Levi, he calmed his uproar. Astor served my plate. I’d learned there was no stopping him with things like that. He felt it was his duty to wait on me. He was the best-looking waiter I’d ever seen. He wasn’t a bad-looking nanny either. Across the table, Levi grunted. “You hear what you want to hear.”
“Maybe,” he smiled. “Council meeting is today. I think there will be a lot of people there.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Dead human body isn’t good for any of us,” Levi explained.
“I’ll stay with the children,” Astor said.
When Levi and I talked about protecting the children, we agreed that there were only a few people we would trust to leave them with. Astor was one of those people, of course. Who better to protect your children than a former Knight of the Round Table, as well as, First Knight of the Tree of Life. Although the house was completely warded when we moved in, Levi and I both added extra layers of our own kind of magic to the ward. Astor had done some painting to help with the protection, but I didn’t get a chance to ask exactly what he had done. It didn’t matter. More defense was always better.
“Thank you, Knight,” I replied.
“Perhaps you would consider visiting your father soon. I would like to see him,” he said.
“Sure. We can go out there later. I haven’t talked to him since we returned. I’ve been trying to curb my anger with him,” I said. My father had a lot of explaining to do as to why he hid who he really was from me for all of my long life. It seemed to me that it wouldn�
�t have changed my perspective on him. He was my father. He allowed his council to banish me. Granted they were being manipulated by the Summer Queen, but that was the difference between my father and I. This town didn’t mean shit to me compared to my children. Shady Grove would burn if it meant I had to save my child. As for now, the happiness and safety of my children rested in my protection of Shady Grove. So, here I was, and here I would stay.
“Grace,” Levi scolded me picking up on my thoughts. “There are people in this town that mean a lot to you. Don’t let Dylan’s absence make you forget yourself.”
“That’s just it, Levi. This is who I am,” I said.
“No. It isn’t.” I left it alone. There was no arguing with him.
“He will not be happy to see me,” Astor said. “But I feel like I shouldn’t cower in fear. I made my decision to tell you everything. I will live with the consequences.”
“There won’t be consequences,” I said as I started to clear the table.
“He will be angry,” he replied.
“You are my servant now, right?” I asked.
Levi smiled. He knew that my father couldn’t touch Astor as long as his blood oath covered him.
“I see what you are saying,” he said. “I shall still go and apologize properly.”
“Do you regret telling me?” I asked.
“No, Grace,” he said.
“Then there will be no apologies. Astor, you will learn that I do things differently than most monarchs. My father included. I don’t give a rip what he thinks. You are my knight,” I said.
He beamed with pride at the statement.
“I do recall you adamantly denying that he was your knight,” Levi said.
“No one asked you,” I replied.
He huffed suppressing his laugh. He was right. When we were in the hospital, I denied that the knight belonged to me. But Astor, whether I had planned it or not, was part of the family now. My big fairy family kept getting larger. I hated his situation. He seemed so out of place in Summer. He wasn’t vindictive or conniving. Now here in Shady Grove, he was resigned to be a nanny.
