by Nate Dallas
Specify that you would like a private room, even if there is no other upgrade. Tell them your wife is going all natural with no anesthesia. Then let them know that she screams at an amazing pitch, cusses like a drunken sailor, and has a tendency to throw things when under stress. Do whatever you have to do to get a private room. OK, don’t lie about that either, but close the sale in whatever way you can. You may have to deliver cookies and be extremely polite to the gatekeeper at the hospital a few weeks in advance. Seriously though, even if everything is super smooth, you do not want to share this experience with total strangers, especially when they are four feet away behind a thin, 80’s inspired, pastel curtain. Request a private room, and ask for the most spacious one. It never hurts to ask.
Once you are registered and have the VIP lounge on lock, you need to lay out an action plan to get there when the code red is activated; I mean, when she starts active labor. It’s good to have an L&D bag packed for the last month or two of the pregnancy. Most first-timers will make it to full term (at least 38 weeks), but it’s certainly common to start laboring a week or two before the due date. Many women have early contractions that do not lead to labor. These alarming events may create a false-alarm visit or two. However, don’t be selfish! If your wife is having contractions and wants to go to the hospital to get monitored, go. Even if it’s 3:30 a.m., go. There is too much at stake not to check it out. One of my best buddies, Chuck, delivered his second baby girl (he’s not an OB/GYN) in the front seat of his car, in the hospital parking lot, because they didn’t make it in time. The automobile birth didn’t result from negligence or ignorance; everything just progressed very quickly. As cool as this may sound to receive such an accolade, it’s not a good plan for you, Mom, or the new baby. I told my man Chuck that I thought it was awesome for three reasons: He had just been inducted into a new level of manhood that very few men will ever achieve. He now had an amazing story and a unique bond with his daughter that will live forever. I think he saved like $9,000 in delivery fees. He quickly and emphatically informed me that he didn’t recommend trying it that way, that he never wanted to do it again, and the surprisingly menial discount was nowhere near worth it. I still thought he was a rock star, for whatever that’s worth. Regardless, the take-home lesson is to err on the safe side and always be ready to go. Just know that real labor contractions are usually pretty painful and can escalate rapidly.
So, what’s in the to-go bag that you keep ready? There are two separate collections that you need to assemble. One is a “comfort” bag; the other is a “save you some serious dough” bag. For the “comfort” bag, just think of all the essentials you and the Mrs. will need. Treat it like a three-day stay in a lousy motel with bad food, no rest, and constant interruptions. Hey, at least room service is one button away at all times. You need clothes, toiletries, and all the normal stuff. It’s also wise to take pillows and blankets for yourself. They likely won’t have a bed for you, even though you will be there for a few nights. Hospital floors are nasty, so some cheap (possibly throw-away) slippers are a good idea. Small bills for late night vending machines are good to have. Don’t forget chargers and electronics. Some form of entertainment is nice too. Magazines, tablets, laptop, books, snacks, and a few water bottles are always beneficial to have on hand.
Now for a few things that you probably haven’t thought about. These two paragraphs will pay for this book and the thank you card that you will send me, including priority postage. This hack is also known as the “save you some serious dough” bag. At the hospital, they charge you ridiculous amounts of money for EVERYTHING. If you open a $1 mini-box of Kleenex™, they probably call it sanitation fabric and charge you $78 for it. A few things she will need, but you do not want on your hospital bill, include socks, a thermos (for drinking), a squeezable/squirt-able water bottle (for rinsing the southern hemisphere), baby diapers, and wait for it… adult diapers. Ok, maybe not technically adult diapers, but huge feminine pads and some oversized, cheap undies. I know this is foreign to you, but get your wife to ask another mom about it. After delivery, she must wear the pad, often with ice in it, in a stretchable pair of mesh underwear. She must also rinse a few times per day with the squirt bottle. On our last visit, they filled a baby diaper with ice and made that the ice pack. They probably billed us for “thermodynamic compression dressing” and charged $287 for it. You can pick this stuff up for $20 and save $500.
The next little gem that you need to know about is the so-called “self-medication pack.” The package is a triad of simple pills that will be given after delivery. The medicinal cocktail consists of acetaminophen (Tylenol™), ibuprofen (Advil™), and Colace™. These are all available without a prescription in any drug store. Acetaminophen is for pain, ibuprofen is for inflammation, and the final one is a stool softener. If the hospital gives you these three things to take yourself during recovery, it will cost you about $300. If you pick them up at the local pharmacy, they cost about $8. If you have all the supplies yourself, you save a bunch of money. My wife always tells each nurse as they enter the room for the first time, “Don’t give us anything that is optional. Don’t open any packages of anything without telling me. I’m not trying to be rude or pushy, just trying to save some money.” They usually laugh and then cooperate, saving us anywhere from $500-$2,000 over a three-day period. In the end, the nurses all appreciate the extra effort we make. They almost always dismiss us with a bag full of freebies and samples to take home. One time we received an entire pad of baby formula and diaper vouchers worth about $600. Some even bigger, bottom-line savers will come in a few chapters. I will remind you about this later once you get to the big show.
Another ingredient for a seamless labor transition is a travel plan with a backup route. Know the fastest way to get to the hospital and a secondary plan in case of traffic. It’s also beneficial to go ahead and make a call list of important people that need to know what’s going on when the big day arrives. If the expectant mother is whisked away to surgery in an instant, you need to have already discussed the contact plan and have the necessary info tucked away. You need to know who needs to know, and how to reach them. Group texts are convenient but can get out of hand rapidly. One great hack is to get a friend to run quarterback for you on messaging. Give a close friend or family member the contact list, and just send her updates so that she can relay the info to everyone. That way, no one gets upset with you “missing moments” because you are on your phone, and no one on the list gets accidentally left out in all the pandemonium. If they do get left out, you can blame someone else. You were busy. Again, don’t send messages or put anything on social media unless your wife explicitly approves of it first. She’s about to be deranged and emotional, and you don’t need any ammunition for the crazy cannon that may be smoking in a few hours, days, or weeks.
If there are complications during the third trimester, attempt to remain calm. Talk about what you are feeling, and try to be positive. Pray together, and reaffirm your appreciation and respect for your wife. I can tell you first-hand that receiving disappointing news from doctors and nurses about the pregnancy is strenuous. Your mind races, and you immediately go to the worst-case scenarios. We have received news of placenta previa, malpositioned babies, concerning blood levels, worrisome vital signs, mysterious cells on biopsies, and everything in between. Just know that many times, doctors and nurses are wrong. They are doing the best they can with the diagnostics and experience that they have, but they are still fallible humans. When there is a legitimate problem, there is likely a remedy.
My wife’s grandmother, Nita, was told that she would certainly die if she tried to give birth to her daughter (my mother-in-law). This dreadful diagnosis came after a previous son was born with major complications that resulted in childhood death. In an act of faith, courage, and true devotion, Nita let the doctor know that she would not terminate a pregnancy. She said that if she, herself, died in the process, that she would accept that. My mother-in-law was born without an
y problems to either party, and as a result, I received an incredible wife years later. Either the doctors miscalculated, or there was a miracle. Both can certainly occur, and they happen every day.
We have anguished over the news and potential problems many times, but we have been delighted to find that many of them never manifested in any tangible issue. We had a breech baby flip at the last second, long after doctors said it wasn’t possible. We have had bad biopsies of lesions that just later disappeared. We witnessed the delivery of a badly damaged placenta, preceded by a perfectly normal baby delivery and totally healthy child. We continue to see a child that was diagnosed with severe, possibly fatal, brain damage, perform normally his entire life without any problems. Miracles? Misdiagnoses? You decide. I like believing the prior. Nonetheless, keep fighting, and keep praying.
8 HOURS BC
It’s Go Time
It’s time. It’s finally time! 15 minutes, 9 minutes, 6. Pain.
Yes! Let’s do this. Oh man, here we go! Are we ready?
We? Am I ready?
Too late, time to go! Pretend that you know what to do.
So you are waiting and waiting and then finally, contractions start getting more frequent and more intense. I know we covered some of this before, but I want to reiterate that most every woman thinks she is in labor before she actually is, especially the first time around. That fact will make no difference to you or your wife when action starts. It’s an intense situation, and it should still be taken seriously. If it’s the real thing, don’t worry, we have a plan. To confirm that it’s not a false alarm, you need to keep an accurate log of what’s happening. Write down the time when a contraction starts, how long it lasts, and then record a pain rating on a scale from 1 to 10, with 10 being the worst. There’s got to be an app for that. The pain scale will change in the very near future, but for now, just write what she says. Call the hospital or OB on call when she thinks she’s starting labor. By then, you should have a pretty good record in the log of what has been happening with her contractions. They will ask you how many, how often, and how intense the contractions have been over the last hour. They are looking for frequent, consistent, intensifying events that indicate real labor. Increasing pain is a significant sign. In a real labor contraction, a woman probably cannot speak in the middle of it because of the pain. Initially, the hospital staff may tell you not to come yet, but to wait until the events are closer together or more intense, or whatever their criteria is. For liability sake, some facilities make you come in every time you call. Just be cool, keep an accurate record, and follow the instructions from the professionals. When you reach the limits that they told you to look out for, it’s time to move. The criteria for heading to the hospital usually includes a painful, consistent contraction, that is repeating every five minutes or less. The timing depends on how far along you are in the pregnancy, how far you are from the hospital, and a few other possible factors unique to this pregnancy. The doctor or midwife will let you know the criteria. When it’s time, execute the plan. Don’t freak out and forget something in a panic, but don’t dilly-dally either.
If you are prepared, just grab the pre-packed bags and escort your hero wife to the vehicle of choice. Grab a cup of ice on the way out too. She may want it before you make it to the hospital. It’s impossible to refrain from getting too excited during this part. Don’t drive like a maniac or say anything stupid. Try to stay level-headed. Tend to every request from your woman, who is now in a state of shock and intense pain. Everything runs smoother if you are on your game. She needs to see you in control and confident in your preparation. Do not snap at her if she gets testy. Err on the side of being gracious and compassionate. She is in a bad state, and it’s now escalating by the minute. Call the OB’s office if you haven’t done so already. Let them know your progress and request that they call the hospital to let them know that you are in labor and on the way. Next, call the hospital and let them know that you are on the way, that you just spoke with your doctor, and that you have already pre-registered. (You did that, right?) Stay calm, and be polite. Your attitude will certainly affect the way people will treat you. That goes for everything in life, especially events where you need nurses. The hospital workers have some major leverage over you. Do not give them any reason to dislike you. They are the gatekeepers to the room, the meds, and the professionals that you are so desperately seeking. Be kind, speak softly, and be grateful. “Yes, ma’am” and “thank you” go a long way. Your model behavior will be remarkable in contrast to the other couples that are barking orders and impulsively expressing the first thing that comes to mind. Don’t be surprised if you get to quietly skip a few of those people in line. Acting like a frustrated drill sergeant never helps.
When you arrive at the hospital, you will likely be disappointed that no one else but you two think this is an urgent matter. Remember, they see excited couples every day, and most of the time, they send the expectant parents back home because of a false alarm. Either way, stick to the plan, and make your way to the check-in desk. Let them know again that you have already pre-registered and that your wife is most definitely in active labor. It is also good to mention that you just got off the phone with (namedrop) your OB/GYN, and she should have already called to let the staff know that you were on the way to have this baby. They still will not be in a hurry unless your new child is literally hanging from your wife’s nightgown. Don’t worry. You likely have more time than you think, and if not, at least you are in the proper building to handle everything now.
There are some misconceptions about what to expect when her water breaks. This is when the amniotic sac ruptures, signaling that it’s probably time to have a baby. Your girl has probably been having fears and bad dreams about this happening in the grocery store or in the communion line at High Mass. Contrary to what we hear and see in movies and not-so-much-reality shows, it is actually rare to happen in this fashion. If it does, it’s not Niagara Falls as people will inaccurately portray it—it’s usually just a trickle. Sometimes her water will break at home. Sometimes it happens en route to the hospital. Most times it happens naturally, in the hospital bed, after a series of heavy contractions. If it does not happen naturally, the doctor will manually break her water by inserting a piercing instrument when it’s time for labor and delivery. It’s not a big deal. They will let you know when it’s time. This is actually encouraging because it means that things are about to speed up.
Back to the hospital check-in. Eventually, they will get you to a room and hook up all the usual monitoring equipment. You will probably be disappointed that this doesn’t look like a room where you should have a baby. That’s because it’s not the final destination. This is the monitoring room where you will likely sit for 10-90 minutes, watching your wife get increasingly more uncomfortable, wondering if anyone is even watching the monitors at the nurse’s station down the hall. You may be sharing this space with a few other couples. The staff is still just weeding out the patients that are not in real labor yet. Again, they will not have the same urgency as you two would prefer. The waiting really sucks for you. It’s hard to watch your wife in pain and know that there is little that you can offer to help. The discomfort only increases with time, and so does your blood pressure. Don’t get mad at the staff. Just be present to and compassionate for the mother of your child. Let her know that you are grateful for her and proud of her. Providing a hand to squeeze and a sip of cold water may be all you can offer. As things progress, and the painful situation starts escalating, you will get moved to a room where people actually birth babies. If your wife is planning to have an epidural, which you know I support 100%, it’s OK to remind the nurse a time or two that you definitely want one as soon as possible. My wife would order her epidural before we even got in the car to go to the hospital if it were an option. She constantly, but tactfully, reminds each new person who enters the room that she is ready for it ASAP.
After rolling into the new spot, which likely has a little mor
e space and a few cooler gadgets around, it is officially go time. It’s likely that you still won’t see your doctor or midwife for quite a while, but at least you are in a room that is labeled “Labor and Delivery.” You are already laboring. Now it’s time to achieve the second part—delivery. It’s likely not quite time yet, and as you anxiously watch the hospital staff come and go, there is still no sign of someone who actually delivers humans from the birth canal. More monitoring, prepping, measuring, and waiting ensues. Remember, the goal is 100% effacement and 10 centimeters dilation. That’s when the pushing starts. The wait for these two stats could be non-existent or last for more than a day. Be forewarned, it often takes longer with the first baby. Sometimes, the staff will get the laboring mother to sit up, change positions, take a walk down the hall, or do a CrossFit™ routine to move things along. Activity and pressure can help speed up the pace and convince the labor to kick into the next gear. They will let you know if it’s a good idea to change anything. Don’t do any box jumps or kettle bell swings with her without professional permission. The excursion from 4 centimeters to 10 is not fun to watch. Your wife will be hurting in a way that she cannot have prepared for. You feel useless standing there while she does all the work and endures all the pain. It sucks. But once the epidural is in, everything is cool again. It’s magical and has to be on the top of the list of modern medicine’s greatest breakthroughs. Sure, delivery can be done without it, and most certainly has been done that way many, many times. I personally don’t want my wife to have to ever deliver without one.
