I have a whole speech planned out, but I leave it at that. She waits for me to continue, but I don’t. Something is making me tongue-tied. I’m never tongue-tied.
“Thank you.” She smiles. We clink glasses.
We don’t speak much through the rest of dinner, and when we do we are consumed with formalities. By the time the dessert arrives, I realize that this wasn’t the best idea. I shouldn’t have made this dinner so formal. She feels awkward, and her awkwardness is making me feel uncomfortable. Politeness and formalities aren’t her style. They’re not mine either. But it had worked on so many girls before that I had convinced myself that it’s the safe way to go.
“Are you okay?” Sophia asks as I walk her back to her room after dinner. She walks a few steps ahead of me, and I watch the way the taffeta under the dress bounces as she walks.
“Yes, of course.” I smile. “Did you have a good time?”
“Yes, I did.” Sophia smiles at me. “Dinner was delicious.”
“And besides dinner?”
“You mean with you?”
I nod.
“Yes, I had a good time. To tell you the truth, I’m really glad you didn’t end up being some eighty-year-old creep.”
I smile and nod. Her eyes twinkle in the dim hallway light. They are pulling me closer.
I take a step forward, and she takes a step back. Suddenly, there’s nowhere to go. Her head hits the back of the wall. I take another step forward.
I take her chin and tilt her head toward mine. Our lips touch, and I run my tongue on the side of her lips. She tastes like honey and lavender. I pull her face closer to mine, and she wraps her hands around my shoulders. I get hard and bury my legs in her taffeta dress.
Our kisses grow stronger and more powerful. My fingers run down her back and up again toward her neck. Then they make their way to the front of her body. She tilts her head back, lost in passion. I run my lips down her neck as my hands cup her breasts and pull down on the straps of her dress.
“Jax,” Sophia whispers.
“Sophia,” I moan, kissing her neck. The urgency in my kisses intensifies, and I run my fingers up her naked leg.
“Jax,” she says, pressing into me. I push back on her and continue to kiss her.
“Jax, stop,” she says.
“No, no, no,” I whisper, continuing to kiss her.
“Jax, stop!” she yells loud into my ear and knees me in the groin.
Shooting pain surges through my body, and I drop to the floor.
“What the hell, Jax?” Sophia yells, her eyebrows furrowed in anger.
“I’m sorry…” I whisper. I can’t say it any louder. I’m lying on my back in the fetal position on the floor. I hear Sophia go into her room and lock the door. After a few moments, the pain subsides, and I manage to scramble up to my feet.
I knock on her door. No one answers. I knock again, and for some reason try the doorknob.
“It’s locked, you asshole!” Sophia says.
“I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry, Sophia.”
“Go away!”
“Please, Sophia. I’m really sorry. You don’t have to let me in…”
“I know that! I mean, what did you think? You invite me here, get me a pretty dress, wine and dine me, and I’ll just do whatever you want? I’m not a whore, Jax.”
“I know,” I say. “I never meant for it to look like that. I just got carried away. I thought we were both feeling something, Sophia. I didn’t mean to take it too far.”
“Well, you did. And you’re an asshole. When a girl says no, it means no. Keep that in mind for the future.”
I’m so embarrassed. I can’t believe this happened. I can’t believe I did that.
“I honestly thought that we were both into it, Sophia. Please. You’ve got to believe me.” My voice cracks a bit at the end.
“Fuck you!” Sophia says. “Oh, yeah, and I’m leaving tomorrow morning.”
She can’t. I will stop her. She has no right. “You are?” I ask. Please don’t, I say silently.
“I’ve decided that I’m not in debt to you,” she says. “You paid for my mom’s treatment knowing that I could never pay you back. And I’m not going to sleep with you. Not even for a quarter of a million dollars. Not for any amount of money.”
She’s right, of course. I did all that knowing that. I just thought that maybe as a thank you. No, that’s not right. I want her to want me. I don’t want her to just sleep with me once. There’s something about her that makes me want more. It’s like she has some sort of spell on me.
“Okay,” I finally say. “I understand. I’m leaving now.”
I walk back to the library. I don’t know where I’m headed. I’m just lost. Distraught. Ashamed. Who was that person back there? Not me, for sure. Sophia’s right. I was an asshole. Am an asshole. She deserves much better than that. Who knows how far I would’ve taken it if she hadn’t kneed me in the balls.
“Agh, I’m such an idiot.” I say out loud. The words echo across the library chamber.
I hit my fist on the built-in bookshelves.
“Dammit!” I say. Now my hand is hurting, and my heart is pounding even faster than before. I take a deep breath and look up.
The bookshelves are stacked three high with old books, but only one stands out. Charlotte Brontë’s Jane Eyre. The library is poorly lit, but this book seems to have a spotlight on it. I look out of the window and see the bright yellow moon looming high in the sky.
She’ll like this, I decide. I pick up the first edition and flip through the pages. She won’t be able to throw this gift away, I decide.
There’s my grandfather’s old writing desk in the corner. I sit down and open the top. I take a small piece of decorative paper from the top shelf and pick up the old ink pen, which miraculously still writes.
* * *
Sophia,
This is a first edition of Jane Eyre. I hope you like it. I hope you accept this gift as my apology. I’m sorry.
Love,
Jax
* * *
I read the note over. Of course, she will know it’s a first edition. It says so in the front. I ball up the piece of paper and toss it in the trash can.
* * *
Sophia,
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do any of that this evening. Well, that’s not true. I did mean to kiss you. I loved kissing you. I loved tasting you on my lips – I want to taste your sweet cunt.
* * *
I read this note over again and again then crumple it up. This is supposed to be an apology. And like all apologies, it will have to be partly true and partly untrue. I can’t say everything I want to say. Otherwise, she won’t accept it.
I write another note. My final note. When I’m finished, I wait for the ink to dry before carefully folding it and placing it in front of the title page. In the back of the writing desk, I find a small box, which ends up being a perfect fit for the book. Now it really looks like a gift.
I walk back to Sophia’s room and knock on the door. She doesn’t answer. I don’t know if she can hear me, but I decide to leave the box right outside. After trying one last time, I finally give up and walk away.
I’ve done all I could. At this point, I have no choice but to accept her decision. Whatever it might be. No matter how much I hate it.
Chapter 16 - Sophia
When he tries to make things right…
I spend the night crying into my pillow. How dare he do that to me? I sob. My pillow is damp from all the tears I shed. I’m not just crying over what happened. I’m crying over what it means. He was such an asshole, and now I can never trust him again. I had to physically push him off me. Who the hell does that? How far would he have gone if I wasn’t strong enough to push him away? To knee him in his balls?
Millions of thoughts swirl in my head. I hate him. And I want to kiss him. And I want to punch him. I want him to knock harder on my door and knock it down. And I want him to go away and leave me alone. M
y makeup is running down my face, and my eyes burn from all the cheap mascara getting into them. Finally, when they start to burn so much that it becomes unbearable, I force myself to go to the bathroom and wash my face.
“Why do you have to be such an asshole?” I say to myself in the mirror as if I’m talking to Jax. “We had such a great dinner. You were lovely. Polite. I was kind of a mess, but you weren’t. You were…a gentleman. And then that. That happened. How can I forgive that?”
I shake my head. No, I can’t forgive that because next time it might be much worse. I sigh.
I tried. I really tried. I came here. I had dinner. I even kissed him. This is all that he could’ve expected from me. It’s okay if I go now. I’ve tried to repay my debt. It didn’t work out. Because of him. So it’s not my fault, right? Right.
There’s a knock at the door. Then another. And another. I don’t answer. I’ve said enough. I don’t want to argue anymore. My mind is made up. In the morning, Mr. Whitewater is ordering me a cab or a driver, and I’m getting out of here.
The following morning, I sleep in late. Late for me, anyway. I’m still in bed at eight a.m. The bed is made of feathers and softness beyond my imagination. I feel like I’ve slept on a cloud, and I’m not looking forward to going home to my thin, uncomfortable mattress at home. I got it for ninety-nine dollars on sale, and it feels like it.
I pull on the most comfortable pair of jeans I own and my favorite turquoise tank top. Someone once told me that I looked great in turquoise, and I’ve stocked my closet with turquoise tops ever since. I always thought they were right, but this morning, I’m not so sure. I look pale and tired. A big part of me is regretting the fact that I’m leaving, but I’m not sure I have the courage to go back on my word.
There’s a light knock on the door.
“Who is it?”
“Good morning, Ms. Cole,” Mr. Whitewater says after I open the door.
“Good morning, Mr. Whitewater,” I say with a yawn.
He looks like he has been awake for hours. His hair is perfectly groomed and coiffed, and his suit is starched and ironed, or whatever one does to suits to keep them wrinkle-free.
“Mr. Grayson told me that you will be leaving this morning. I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Yes, me, too.” I nod. I am sorry. I wish this weren’t happening.
He doesn’t say another word, doesn’t make a move either. I stare at him. What’s wrong? Slowly, his eyes tilt down. I follow them to the floor and see a light pink box.
“Oh, what’s this?” I ask.
“I’m not sure. But it’s for you,” Mr. Whitewater says. He quickly takes a step back and turns away from me to give me some privacy.
I examine the box carefully in my hand. The cardboard looks old and smells a bit like cake. I carefully open the flap and peek in. It’s a book. A book?
I pull out the book and let the box drop to the floor. Oh my God. My heart starts to pound. Is this really what I think it is?
A first edition of Jane Eyre?
The book is rather small and weathered, but otherwise it’s in excellent condition. I open it and run my hand along the smooth spine. I flip through the pages until I get some resistance at the very front. The pages are thicker here. Carefully, I flip the pages one at a time until I get to the title page and discover a note. It’s written on perfumed paper, the kind that you see in expensive paper stores. There’s a delicate floral design gracing each of the ends.
I open the note.
It’s from Jax. I see his name written in beautiful, careful script on the bottom.
* * *
Dear Sophia,
I’m sorry. For everything.
You deserve a lot better than me, of course. But please give me another chance.
* * *
Yours,
Jax
* * *
Yours. I like the sound of that. I’ve never had anyone who was mine in that way. My heart skips a beat again. And then another.
Mr. Whitewater clears his throat, and I remember that he’s still here.
“I think I need a moment, Mr. Whitewater,” I finally manage to utter. I go back into my room and close the door.
“Oh my God,” I whisper. “A first edition of Jane Eyre!”
I press the hardback book to my breasts and inhale its beautiful musty smell. This book has been around for hundreds of years, and now it’s mine. It belongs to me.
But can I accept it if I decide not to stay here? I want to. He owes me an apology, and this is a marvelous apology.
My thoughts drift back to Jax. Suddenly, I remember the softness of his lips and how they danced with mine to a tune that only we heard. I remember how hot I felt in between my legs and how much I wanted him to push up my taffeta skirt and let me wrap my legs around his strong, powerful torso.
He wasn’t alone in feeling what he was feeling. I was there, right along with him. We shared a chemical and electric connection. I was drawn to him as if he were a magnet, and I had trouble pulling away as well. I loved feeling his hardness pushing against me, pressing me to the wall. I wanted to rip off his clothes. I wanted him to rip off mine. And then it was just too much. In a split second, it was suddenly too much.
Chapter 17 - Sophia
When there’s an accident…
I don’t know what I should do. I want to stay, but I also want to go. I want to stay to get to know Jax more. And I want to run away from this place and its games.
The sound of a startled horse scares me, and I walk over to the window. I lift the window and open the shutters. I didn’t notice it last night, but there are stables to the right of me. The horse makes another piercing cry, sending shivers over my body.
“It’s okay, Sebastian. It’s okay, guy,” Jax says. I can’t see him, but his voice is firm and commanding, and I really believe that it’s going to be okay.
Suddenly, they emerge. Jax is dressed in jeans, a pair of brown boots, and a simple white T-shirt. He’s tan, and his sweaty body glistens in the sun. His hair looks wet, either from sweat or water. He’s riding a tall black horse with a thick black mane that flies up with each gallop. They are moving as one. I look closer, and I see that the horse is not wearing a saddle. Jax is riding bareback.
The horse and the rider dance together for a few moments in a circle. The horse kicks up swirls of dust, which in the sunlight look like periwinkle. Then suddenly, the horse shifts his weight and raises his front legs in the air.
“Oh, wow,” I whisper in awe. Jax remains in place on his back holding on by nothing but his powerful thighs. It looks like the horse is going to land on his front legs and morph into a trot, but he doesn’t. Instead, he lands hard on his front hooves and lifts his back hooves up high in the air. Then he does it all again.
My smile fades quickly after I realize that something’s going wrong.
“Oh my God,” I whisper and bring my hands to my face. “No, no, no…”
But it’s too late. The horse bucks one last time, and this time Jax doesn’t hold on. I see him flying through the air. He misses the chain-link fence by less than a foot and lands flat on his back.
“Oh my God!” I scream. My voice echoes around the room, but Jax doesn’t get up.
“Get up! Please get up!” I scream, but he doesn’t.
For a brief second, I consider running to the back of the room, down the long hallway, down the winding staircase, out of the front door, and around the entire ten thousand square foot house, but then I see a simpler way down.
“What are you doing?” Mr. Whitewater enters my room.
I’m already hanging out of the window, half of my body is on the roof of the patio.
“Jax is hurt, call 911!”
I climb down the post of the patio, jump into the orange grove below and run toward Jax.
I finally reach him. His face is so pale that it’s the color of those white Mexican plates from dinner. All the blood has drained from his face, and his lips are blue.
&
nbsp; “Jax? Jax?” I scream. I want to shake him and bring him back to life. But I’m afraid he has broken something in his body, and that will make it worse.
“Jax? Jax? Please wake up. Please, please, please!” I shout, cradling my arms around him.
Mr. Whitewater runs over.
“How is he? Oh my God. He’s unconscious.”
I nod. I don’t know what else to do.
“I just called 911, but they won’t be here for some time.”
“What, why?” I demand to know.
“Twenty minutes at the earliest,” he says and puts the receiver back to his ear. “They say that we shouldn’t move him until they get here. He might’ve broken his back.”
The world fades to black with those words. ‘He might’ve broken his back’ is all I hear in my head over and over again. The paramedics arrive sometime later. They have to scream at me to get out of the way. I don’t move. I don’t even know if I can move. Someone pushes me out of the way, and they take Jax away. They strap him onto a gurney and roll him to the ambulance.
I can’t go along. No one can. They tell me and Mr. Whitewater that we can follow along behind the ambulance if we want.
I’m in a daze. I don’t know what to do. I follow Mr. Whitewater to his car.
“Are you sure you want to come? I thought you were leaving?”
I stare at him. All thoughts of leaving have all but dissipated. I don’t even know what he’s talking about. All I know is that I can’t leave now. I don’t know what’s wrong with him, and I can’t leave until I find out. What if he needs my help?
I’ve spent the last twelve hours in the hospital looking at magazines and mindlessly reading books that I did not understand on my phone. I read the words, but they don’t make any sense. I don’t know who wrote them or for what reason. The only thing that makes sense to me is the pictures. I leaf through the celebrity magazines and pay close attention to which movie stars have lost and gained weight. Which ones are pregnant. Which ones got engaged and which ones got divorced. It’s all things that I used to find interesting, but now none of it makes any sense.
Debt Page 6
