“Leave me alone, Jax! Let go. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
I let her go. O finally catches up.
“Sophia, please. Wait. I didn’t tell you everything,” O says. Sophia turns on her heel to walk away but then stops.
“And what is it that you left out? How you’re going to have this glamorous wedding for my mother and her wealthy fiancé here at the house? And how much fun you two will have planning all the details? And picking out the dress?”
“No.” O shakes her head. Sophia doesn’t understand. “No, not at all. That’s the thing. Your mom doesn’t want a big wedding. It’s going to be hardly a wedding at all. More like a special occasion dinner. They’re just going to say their vows, and then we’ll all have dinner. No one’s coming besides you and us. And the only reason I think Jax and I are even invited is because we live at this house.”
Sophia hesitates. I feel her processing all the information.
“She doesn’t want a wedding?” she finally asks.
O shakes her head. “No, not at all.”
“Not at all?” I ask. A wave of relief covers me from head to toe.
“I knew you’d be ecstatic about this, too,” O says, pointing to me. “He’s not one for lavish parties.”
Chapter 41 - Sophia
When we have a fight…
I can’t believe the roller coaster of emotions that I went through when I heard about my mom’s wedding. I’d agreed to go horseback riding with Jax because I’ve reached the end of my rope regarding reasonable excuses. He has become really suspicious of practically everything I do ever since the Ryan emails, and I needed to find a way to reconnect with him. We haven’t had sex since I got that first email from Ryan. And that’s unacceptable.
Walking over to the barn, I was trembling. Shaking like a leaf on a cool autumn day. I heard somewhere the horses can tell right away if you’re not being honest, and I was terrified that my secret from Jax would come to the surface. Then, just when I was worrying about the whole Ryan debacle, a whole other thing shook my world.
My mom is getting married. She’s actually doing it.
And she’s coming here. I’m not exactly sure how I feel about this last part. O is excited. She’s over the moon to be exact. But me? I don’t know.
“Are you okay?” Jax asks. I turn to face him. I’d completely forgotten that he was in the room. How long had I been staring into space like this?
“Yeah.” I flash him a quick smile. “Fine.”
“Not so sure,” he says, picking up his phone.
In the span of only a few weeks, we have managed to become an old married couple. Not sure how all of this took place, but suddenly, there is an ocean between us, even though there are only inches that separate our bodies.
Only a few weeks ago, just lying this close to him would’ve sent shivers over my whole body. All I would’ve thought about is how to find just the location for my arm so that I can brush up against him accidentally. But now. Now things are different. My mind is elsewhere. On two things specifically. My mom’s impending nuptials and Ryan’s disconcerting emails.
“Sophia? What can I do? What’s wrong?” He puts his phone away and faces me.
“I want this to work,” he says. I’m covered in cold sweat.
“What do you mean? I want this to work, too. Very much so.”
“I’m not so sure.” He shrugs. “Things are so different between us now. It’s like you’re running away from me or something. Every time I see you, you make some excuse to avoid me. To not spend time with me.”
“No, no, I don’t.” I don’t know what else to say but deny the truth.
“Yes, yes, you do.” He’s not letting me get off that easily. “There’s something going on that you’re not telling me.”
I shake my head.
“Why are you lying to me, Sophia? Why?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Really? Really? You’re going to go there?” He gets up and takes his phone. I shrug and wait.
“And what about these emails? You got two other emails from Ryan after that first one. He’s apologizing. He wants to see you.”
The whole world goes silent. I feel like I was punched in my stomach. How does he know about the other emails?
“Are you going through my phone?”
“Yes, I did. I’m sorry about that. But you were acting very weird, Sophia. I had to do something. I had to find out what was wrong.”
I can’t speak. My mouth is parched and I feel like I’m going to pass out any second now. “I can’t believe you went through my phone.”
“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry about that. But please tell me what’s going on with Ryan. At first, I thought it was nothing. Just some ex. But your behavior after you got the emails just got stranger and stranger. Now I know that something’s going on.”
I can’t say a word. I feel like I’m choking. I also want to choke him.
“No,” I finally manage. “Nothing’s going on.”
It’s not true. A part of me is screaming on the inside to tell him. Tell him the truth. It’s not as bad as he’s imagining it to be, but my fear is not letting me. I’m too scared to tell the truth. So all I can do is lie. And get mad.
“There’s nothing going on, Jax. Not with Ryan and me. But I can’t believe you went through my phone. Are you that fuckin’ insecure? Are you that much of a coward?”
I’m riling myself up to make all of this his fault. It’s not right, but blaming him is all I can do in this situation. There’s a look of disappointment in his eyes. Quickly, it turns into anger.
“I thought you were better than this, Sophia. I thought that we had something real.”
“We do. But we can’t continue to have it without you trusting me.”
“I do trust you,” he whispers. “At least, I did until right now. I know that something is going on. With you and Ryan. Otherwise, you wouldn’t react like this.”
“You don’t know shit,” I say and turn away from him. Just tell him the truth. The truth. It’s not that bad. It will stop him from thinking all these bad things about you. About you and Ryan. I try to find the words, but nothing comes out.
“There is no me and Ryan. He’s some ex. That’s it,” I finally manage to utter.
“Why is he writing you? What does he want?”
I can’t even imagine. I can’t let my mind go there. Shivers run up my spine, and I start to shake. Jax doesn’t know what he’s talking about. What he’s asking me to say.
“What is he apologizing for, Sophia? What happened between you two?” he asks carefully. He can probably sense my anxiousness. The depths of which he will hopefully never know.
“Nothing really.” I shrug. But I have to offer him more than that. “Okay, we dated. For a bit. Not long. And then I broke up with him. That’s it.”
I pray that that’s enough information. But it’s not.
“So what is he apologizing for?”
I need to offer him more. Tell him the truth, I say to myself over and over again while Jax waits patiently.
“He just didn’t take it very well, that’s it,” I finally say. I can’t look Jax in the eye. I feel like he can sense the truth just by looking at me. When we finally do make eye contact, I realize that he can’t. His expression is completely blank. Like one of those that Buddhist monks have when they reach enlightenment. I saw a documentary on them recently on Netflix, and it clearly left an impression.
“Is that all?” Jax asks quietly.
“Yes.” I nod. Please leave this alone. Please. Please. Pretty please.
“You’re full of shit, Sophia. You know that?”
His words hit me so hard, they knock the breath out of me.
“It’s true,” I whisper.
“No. No, it’s not. You know that. And I know that,” he says and walks away.
When he reaches the door, I start after him.
“Jax, please.”
/> “We have nothing else to talk about, Sophia. Unless you want to tell me the truth.”
“This is the truth.” I start to sob. Please believe me.
“No, it’s not.” He shakes his head and walks out.
Big fat tears start to roll down my face. I’m a coward. I’m a freak. Why couldn’t I just tell him the truth? I love this man. I did nothing wrong. And yet, something kept me silent.
Of course, I know perfectly well what it was that kept me silent.
Pain. Shame.
To admit what happened was to make it true again. It was to contaminate this house with all that darkness and hopelessness. No, I couldn’t do that. I can’t do that.
But was that worth this? Worth Jax thinking that Ryan and I were anything at all? Worth Jax having doubts about me and how much I love him?
Love. It’s nice to hear this word. I love him, too. I’ve known I loved him for a long time now. And until the emails, I was pretty sure that he loved me, too. Shit. Shit. Shit. How could I screw this up so badly? I bury my head in my knees and cry until all sense of time disappears.
Chapter 42 - Sophia
When we don’t speak…
One day passed. And then another. And then another five. Jax and I still didn’t speak. He avoided me in the hallways and ate dinner and lunch at different times from me. O still spoke to me, thankfully, and she was sweet and kind and a friend that I really needed.
“I think I’m going to leave soon,” I tell O at dinner on the sixth day of our silence.
“What? No!”
“Yes.” I nod. “After the wedding.”
The wedding is in two days. My mom is arriving tomorrow morning. I tried to get out of it. I tried to get her to move it to somewhere else. But O interfered. She said that she didn’t care that Jax and I were no longer together or were having drama. Danielle was her friend, and the wedding was not getting cancelled just because things got a little tense.
“No, you can’t leave!”
“I have to. I don’t think Jax and I are together anymore. He won’t say a word to me. And I just can’t stay here like this. I don’t really know what I’m doing here.”
“But you’re my friend, too. Please stay. Stay until after the birth, at least.”
I think about it for a moment. She’s due in two months, but I don’t think I can manage here for that long.
“I don’t know, O. I’d love to. But this thing with Jax and me is serious. He won’t say a word to me. I don’t think I can stay here for two more months like that.”
“Are you sure you can’t work it out?”
O knows about Ryan. At least, as much as Jax does. And that’s enough. I can’t share any more than that.
I nod. “I don’t know what he wants from me. He doesn’t believe me when I tell him the truth. What else can I do?”
O shrugs. She feels my pain. I can tell by the hurt expression on her face. The problem is that I know what else I can do. I can tell him the truth. The real truth. The one that he feels is somewhere below the surface of all our conversations. The only problem is that I’m a coward, and I can’t bring myself to tell him any of it. I can’t bring myself to say any of it out loud.
And the worst part of all this is that I’m willing to give up the best thing that ever happened to me because I’m such a coward. It makes me sick to my stomach.
My mom arrives the following morning. She is as radiant as I’ve ever seen her. Her hair shines in the sunlight, and her skin has a beautiful glow to it. Her eyes are wide, and she’s wearing fake eyelashes that make them look triple their normal size. And there’s something else. I can’t quite put my finger on it.
“Hello darlings.” She hugs me and then O. “Oh, what a beautiful place you have here! It seems to get more gorgeous every time I visit.”
When she embraces O, I finally realize what it is that adds to her beauty. Her lips. They aren’t pursed from tension and anxiety anymore. Instead, they are calm and relaxed. Glowing just like the rest of her.
“Here, let me introduce you to my darling husband to be. Luke!”
A distinguished man with a few gray hairs on the sides extends his hand. I’m about to shake it, but instead he brings it up to his lips and kisses the back of my hand.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Sophia,” Luke says with a slight French accent. His words are soothing.
I watch my mom introduce Luke to O, Mr. Whitewater, and eventually Jax, who all respond warmly to his calm demeanor. After all the introductions are made, Luke takes my mother’s hand and tells everyone what a pleasure it is to meet her friends.
There’s a genuine goodness to his way of being in the world. He hugs my mother when he doesn’t have to, as if he is drawn to her by some invisible magnet. Not long ago, Jax and I had this same way of being. It’s called being in love. Even before O takes my mom and me upstairs for the dress fittings and the men head to the other part of the house to try on tuxedos, I know that what my mom and Luke have is real.
“So what do you think?” Mom takes my arm on our way up the stairs.
“I like him,” I say. “He seems to really love you.”
“Oh, sweetie.” She wraps her arms around my shoulders. A wave of relief sweeps over her face. It’s like she has been holding her breath, and now she can let it out.
It makes me happy that I can provide this sense of relief for my mom. And it makes me even happier that, at this moment, I’m not lying. I’m telling the truth. It feels good. So good, that for a brief moment, I consider telling Jax the truth.
“C’mon, let’s go.” O takes my hand. “Danielle, I can’t wait to see you try on the dresses that I picked out for you.”
My mom stares at her dumbfounded. “I thought I would just wear something I already have. I have this little yellow summer dress that Luke got me in Paris.”
The smile nearly vanishes from O’s face, but she is quick to recover.
“Yes, of course. Whatever you’d like. But since the dresses are already upstairs, maybe you’d like to take a look?” O says with a mischievous look in her eye.
I’m sure that that look has served O very well over the years and has had quite an effect on many men.
My mom’s eyes light up. She has always loved shopping. Even when we had absolutely no money, she would go to Target or Ross and browse the aisles. Inevitably, she would come home with some crazy marked down pair of jeans or a beautiful top, which she only paid five dollars for.
“When did you have time to get dresses?” I ask on our way up the stairs.
“Oh, you don’t think I was just lying around here all day doing nothing, did you? I’ve been hard at work planning this little shindig ever since I heard of it.”
I shake my head and smile. I’m glad that there are women like O in the world. Women who get immense pleasure from planning and organizing events. I’m glad, mainly, for selfish reasons. Because I don’t have that event planning gene, and if the world was made up of people like me, then civilization would be doomed.
Chapter 43 - Sophia
When I watch her try on dresses…
I wait on the couch in O’s room for my mom to try on her first dress. O is in the walk-in closet with her because, according to O, “trying on wedding dresses is a three or four woman job, but we’ll manage.”
I offered to help out, but both of them insisted that I stay put.
Finally, my mom comes out. My jaw drops. That’s not an exaggeration. It actually drops open, as if I’m in one of those old school cartoons.
The woman before me is tall and elegant and looks like she’s ten years younger than my mom actually is.
“So? What do you think?” my mom asks, smoothing the large taffeta skirt of the wedding dress with her hands.
“Beautiful,” I manage to say. Tears come to my eyes, but I try to hold them off. I can’t believe that this is my mother standing before me. I’ve never seen her this beautiful and radiant. This effervescent.
“Yes, you do
look lovely, Danielle,” O cuts in. “But there’s another one that I think might be a little bit more you.”
“Another one?” I ask.
“Yes, how many dresses do you think I got exactly? Just one? What kind of fitting would this be?” O tosses her hair and rolls her eyes. I smile.
When my mom disappears into the dressing room, O turns to me.
“You really like that dress?”
I nod.
“I think the skirt is a little full. It makes her look a little bit like a recently groomed poodle.”
I nod. I don’t know what to say. That was the most extravagant thing I’ve ever seen in real life, and I’m in awe of its grandeur.
Before I get the chance to gather my thoughts, my mom comes out again. This time, she’s wearing a long gown that hugs her hips and makes her look as if she were six feet tall.
“This is an A-line dress,” O explains. “It accentuates your figure a lot more, giving you a very, very nice shape. What do you think, Danielle?”
This time, it is my mom who has tears in her eyes. She wipes them off with the back of her hand.
“I’m sorry. So sorry, I didn’t want to just disintegrate into a puddle, but it’s beautiful.”
“Well, this is it then,” O says, decidedly.
“This is it? Aren’t there more dresses to try on?” I ask.
“You don’t know the first thing about shopping for a wedding dress. Do you, Sophia?” O asks.
“No, why?”
“Well, if you did, then you’d know that the first dress that makes the bride-to-be cry is the dress. No ifs, ands, or buts. This isn’t a science, darling. This is an art. And the first dress that produces that reaction is the one!”
We both turn to my mom. She’s staring at herself in the mirror. She’s never looked lovelier, and she knows it. Tears are streaming down her face. Tears of happiness and joy. The kind I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen. The kind that I really wish my little sister was here for.
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