“When did we become a cliché, Nicholas?” See, I’d gotten the name right that time. I was not going down that road. But I really hadn’t wanted to ask that question. It just slipped out. I just wanted him off my property, and out of my face. And, maybe, even out of my life entirely. But while Denver might be a big city, it still felt like a small town sometimes. I couldn’t avoid him forever unless I moved. And there was no way I was doing that.
“A cliché? You want to talk about clichés? You’re the cliché. You were always a frigid bitch. Why do you think we’re divorced?”
“Excuse me?” I asked, my voice frosty. Huh, I guess I was frigid.
“You heard me. You were always a little nothing. You never wanted to be at my level. That’s why I had to look elsewhere. You didn’t see the big picture. You just wanted to go home and bake and be a fat-ass in the kitchen. Whatever. I had plans. Things that didn’t include you. But you had to get all uptight and be a bitch about it. Because of that, you took half of everything. Everything that was mine. I worked my life for this, and you just took it all. So, yeah, I’m getting my fucking shit out of your garage, and it’s all because of you. You’re the one who did this.”
I didn’t actually think the phrase seeing red was real. But it was like a haze had moved over my eyes. I couldn’t quite comprehend what had just happened. This wasn’t the man I married. This was not the guy I had loved for so many years of my life. This was not the man who was my only love.
What the hell had happened to him?
Maybe that line of coke had fucked him up. Or perhaps he was always this bad deep down. Maybe losing his job and losing so much outside of that had done this. I didn’t know. But I knew I didn’t want any part of it.
“How did this happen?” I asked in a whisper. Damn it. I was exhausted. I had to stop letting my thoughts out like that.
“Maybe if you hadn’t put so many expectations on me, it wouldn’t have been an issue.” He spat out the words, and I involuntarily took a step back. “Perhaps if you had realized I wasn’t the ten-year-old you met on the bus, this wouldn’t be a problem. But, whatever. Becca and I are going to get married. And I’m going to finally get what I deserve. You do you, Erin.”
“Oh,” I whispered. Trying to swallow hard. I had put expectations on him? Like having a job? No, I wasn’t going to say that out loud. I wasn’t going to extend this. I couldn’t prolong this. I just didn’t understand what had happened. I did not know this man in front of me. Becca seemed completely disinterested, but I didn’t care about her. They were going to get married? Fine. Maybe he could finally find what he wanted. Because, apparently, I wasn’t it. Evidently, I had never been it.
I closed the door behind me and pushed past them so I could walk across my yard to the garage. I could have gone through the side, but I unlocked it instead and pressed a few buttons so the garage door opened. My car was inside, and his boxes were off to the side, taking up far too much space. “There they are. I have a dolly too, but I’m going to need that back if you use it.”
“I don’t really give a shit.” Nicholas pushed past me, and Becca trotted along, her attention focused on her phone.
She was dressed to the nines in high-heeled wedges with her hair teased out perfectly. She looked amazing. I wouldn’t fault her for that. I would hold the cheating against her, but I didn’t know her. Not really. I couldn’t hate her. But I didn’t want to be near her either.
I stood, watching to make sure Nicholas didn’t take anything that wasn’t his and then moved off to the side, trying not to stand in a defensive position. But I wanted this done. I just really wanted all of this done.
He finally put everything in the back of his SUV and slammed the hatch.
“That’s all of it.”
“Good. Have a nice life, Nicholas.”
“You know what, God help any man you get your claws into.”
My eyes widened, but I just stared at him. Who was this man?
“I was ten when we met, Nicholas. What kind of claws did I have?”
He just glared at me, and I was done. So done with this. This is why I didn’t want another man. This is why I just wanted to be by myself and figure out who I was without him. So, I just took a step back and threw my hands into the air. “You know what? Fuck it. I’m out. You got your stuff. And we’re done. Have a good life, Nicholas. You, too, Becca. I’m done.”
Nicholas started growling something else, but Becca got into the passenger side of the SUV, and I walked away. I made sure the garage door was closed and locked before locking myself in my house.
The tears fell before I even realized they were coming, and I cursed at myself. I did not want to cry over Nicholas. I had cried enough. I had growled plenty. I had done so much because of him. And because of me. Because not all of this could be on his shoulders. I had been the one to marry him. I had missed the signs. And now, I had to live with the decisions.
I went to my bathroom and wiped my face, willing myself to calm down. I was tired. And I didn’t even have time to really revel in what had happened the night before with Devin because I had to deal with Nicholas.
So much for taking time for myself, right?
As if the heavens knew that tonight would be a weird one, my phone buzzed. I looked down at the readout. Devin was calling.
Maybe I should answer. Perhaps I would do exactly what I had said I would. No emotion. No connections. Just friends. Friends with benefits. They did that in the movies. Maybe I could do that here. I wasn’t going to think about the fact that it rarely worked out on the big screen. It could work out in real life. This wasn’t fiction, after all.
I answered and smiled. Ignoring the stark look on my face in the mirror.
“Hey, I was just thinking about you.”
“Yeah?” he asked, his voice a deep growl that went straight through me. “I think I was doing the same about you. Just wanted to see how you were this morning.”
“I’m fine. Last night was amazing.” I blushed, and just shook my head. He couldn’t see me. But I had a feeling he knew that I was blushing.
“Yeah, it was. Do you want to go for a drink tonight? You said you weren’t working today, but I know you’re working tomorrow.”
“I am, but I could maybe do something a little early.” I didn’t know if I was doing the right thing. But then again, I never knew if I was doing the right thing anymore.
“I can pick you up.”
“That’d be great.” I held back a sigh, collecting my thoughts. I needed to make sure everything was out in the air. It was good to be open and honest in any type of relationship. Even in this kind.
“So, we’re still friends, right? Friends that are just doing this thing. I really have no idea what to say. I suck at this.”
Devin was silent for so long that I was afraid I had said the wrong thing. Apparently, I was really good at fucking things up today.
“I know what you mean. And, yeah, it still works for me. I’ll pick you up. Wear something hot.”
I laughed and got the rest of the details before hanging up and looking down at my phone. Okay, then. I could do this. I wasn’t going to lose myself in this. Everything could just be casual. I wouldn’t fall. And I wouldn’t get hurt. Because when I fell, I got hurt. And I refused to be that person again.
No matter the pain. No matter the cost.
Chapter 8
Devin
I pulled up to Erin’s house and turned off the engine, wondering if I was doing the right thing. I wasn’t good about making decisions when it came to her.
Hell, she was hurting, and yet I just kept showing up. I kept being here. But she didn’t want serious. Did I? I didn’t know. But it was kind of weird going into this, knowing that it wasn’t going anywhere.
Why was I so worried about my feelings in a relationship anyway? It wasn’t as if I actually knew if I truly wanted to be serious or not. Just because Dimitri had been married once, had bitten off more than he could chew with his firs
t wife yet now had the actual love of his life with the second, didn’t mean I needed to get married.
Hell, Caleb and Amelia could each find their other halves before I did. And that would be just fine. Yeah, it would be nice to have someone to come home to. Nice to actually have something steady. But it wasn’t going to be with Erin. She’d made that clear. And I had to be okay with that.
Because she wasn’t anywhere near ready for a relationship. I didn’t want to be her rebound. Even though I was her rebound. In every sense of the word.
We were even using the phrase: friends with benefits. Fuck buddies. That was fine. But I wouldn’t be the rebound who wanted more. I couldn’t let that be me.
I would just have fun. Make sure she knew that she could have fun, too. Go along for the ride.
Dimitri could be happy in his marriage. Amelia could finally tell Tobey that she loved him or whatever. And maybe Caleb would even find someone.
I snorted. Okay, maybe not Caleb. He was a little rougher, a little more dark and dangerous.
That made me crack up. Thinking of my brother as anything but my baby brother? Yeah, not so much.
I got out of the truck, patted my baby, and went to Erin’s front door. She opened it as if she had been waiting for me. I didn’t know how I felt about that. Because I kind of wanted her to be waiting for me. I wanted her to be looking out the window and watching for me.
But I had to back the fuck up right there with those thoughts. Because she wasn’t mine. She couldn’t be mine.
I needed to remember that.
“You look great,” she said, grinning. I looked down at what I wore. I’d pulled on some jeans I’d only worn once that were a little tight around my thighs and butt. But, apparently, they looked good. I’d also pulled on a black T-shirt, one that fit my arms but showed off the ink on both of my sleeves. I didn’t show off my ink too often. Even when it was fucking hot outside. I tried not to look too dangerous when I was dealing with the mail. After all, I had to be the friendly mailman. I couldn’t look like some degenerate criminal.
Not that people with tattoos or piercings were degenerate criminals. But I couldn’t help what people thought. I had a big beard that was still within the dress code of my job. But I didn’t look like a typical mailman. Whatever that meant. And that was fine by me. I liked my ink, and I knew I would likely add more. I went down to a little shop in Denver called Montgomery Ink, and an equally big, bearded dude named Austin took care of me there. His sister, Maya, had done a few tattoos on my back, as well, but Austin usually handled my projects. Although now that I thought about it, I should probably go down south to Colorado Springs where my big brother was. Dimitri had married into the Montgomerys, a twist of fate that I hadn’t really figured on happening. But considering that there were like a thousand Montgomerys in the world, someone was bound to marry into the family. But Dimitri’s wife’s sister and brother owned another tattoo shop called Montgomery Ink Too down in Colorado Springs. Apparently, they were connected or something. Maybe Austin would let me go down there and see what my new family could do.
I pushed those thoughts out of my mind because all I really wanted to do was look at the woman in front of me. She had on tight jeans that looked as if they were painted on with these black and wood-looking wedges, her little red toenails peeking out of the front. With that, she had on a black tank that dipped into a deep V and showed off her magnificent cleavage. And it looked like one of those halter things that I figured would show off some of her back.
It made me want to lick her skin. It made me want to strip off each piece of clothing and maybe just fuck her wearing those shoes and nothing else.
Yeah, that would be good.
I cleared my throat. “You look good, too.”
She blushed and looked down at her hands before playing with her purse. “You were silent for so long, I was afraid I wore something wrong.”
She tucked a piece of her blond hair behind her ear, and I noticed that she wore these dangling earrings that seemed to have a hoop within a hoop. I didn’t really understand how it worked, but they looked nice. I reached out and flicked one. “Nice.”
She laughed. “They looked good in the store. I went to this little boutique called Eden off the 16th Street Mall.”
I grinned wide. “I know the owner. She’s married to my tattoo artist.”
“Small world.” I’ve always wanted to go in there and get a tattoo for myself.”
I licked my lips and ran my gaze over her bare skin. Or at least what she was showing me. I wanted more. Damn it. I had to push that thought out of my head. I just wanted to fuck her. That was it. Fucking and friends. That was all I needed.
“Well, I’ll take you whenever you want to go. They have a long waiting list, but I’m kind of family now.”
“What do you mean?”
“Come on, get in the truck and I’ll explain.”
I walked her over, loving the way she let me put my hands around her hips to help her hop in. Sure, she could have done it on her own. But I liked helping. Any excuse to get my hands on her, right?
“Anyway, my older brother, Dimitri? He married Thea Montgomery. She’s part of the Montgomery family that runs the other Montgomery tattoo shop down south in Colorado Springs. Cousins to those who run the shop in Denver.”
“Oh, wow. I love all the connections. So, are you going down there to get your tattoos now?”
“I was literally just thinking about that. I might. I mean, Austin might tan my hide for that, but it could be worth it. I hear every single one of them is amazing.”
Her gaze raked my arms, and she licked her lips. Yeah, it was going to be really hard to drive with a hard-on. But every time I thought about Erin, especially in those wedges of hers and nothing else, I got a hard-on. So I was being pretty good about driving and trying not to look like my dick was pressing through my jeans.
“They do good work.”
“So, what are you thinking about getting?” I asked, pulling onto the freeway.
“I don’t know. I was thinking some kind of tree with some ravens on my shoulder. I know it seems almost cliché now. But I like it. It’s strong, and it’ll be there for ages. Even when the leaves fall, the branches will always be there. And it grows over time. Plus, I’ve always loved ravens. If I could have a pet one I would, but I don’t want to be too weird.”
I looked over at her and smiled. “That’d be cool actually.”
“I’m so not home enough for that, though. And that’s not really a thing.”
“It could be.”
“You’re right. But I’m fine just watching them from afar. Crows and ravens seem to follow me wherever I go. I used to think that was an omen, but now I think they’re just protecting me. Or maybe I just get a little tired, and I want to think something makes sense and means more when it’s just birds that happen to live near me.”
I reached out and gripped her hand. Our fingers tangled, so I kept them there on the console, grateful that she didn’t pull away. We were friends. Friends who fucked. And that was fine. But I wanted to touch her.
All it did was bring on the anticipation of later, right?
“I think if you need to see signs, then they’re there. And there’s nothing wrong with wanting them. There’s nothing wrong with believing that what you need is out there. I see crows and ravens all the time when I’m out on the job. They’re pretty magnificent. Even if that movie, The Birds, kind of ruined them for a lot of people.”
“They get such a bad rap. If anything, it’s pigeons. Pigeons are the devil.”
She said it with such vehemence, I laughed. “Yeah, I can see that. Especially when they’re downtown. They just lower their heads and charge.”
“I know!” she said on a laugh.
I pulled into the lot of a local bar, one where I could have just a drink and then keep driving. It wouldn’t put me over the legal limit, and I felt safe to do so.
It wasn’t the same place I had seen her in
the sparkly dress. I didn’t want to bring those memories back. And, frankly, I didn’t want her to think of her ex while she was with me. Call me a selfish bastard, but whatever. We might just be friends, we may be doing whatever without strings, but I didn’t want that layered on top of it all. Even though it was as if it were already cooling to my skin.
Because no matter what happened, Erin would see this relationship, and maybe any she had in the future, with a film of Nicholas over it. There was no getting around that. Hell, I would always have my ex-girlfriends in the back of my mind. Even if none of those relationships were as serious. Even if I hadn’t been hurt like Erin had. There’d always be some form of comparison there. There had to be. It was only human.
It didn’t mean I had to like it, though.
I hated it, actually. Fucking hated it.
I went around and helped her out of the truck, her body sliding slowly down mine. I swallowed hard, my cock pressing against her belly. Her eyes widened, and I knew she felt it.
I cleared my throat. “Hell, it’s hard to stay sane when I’m around you.”
“I’m going to take that as a compliment,” she said with a laugh.
I lowered my head and brushed my lips against hers. Just a soft caress, one that sent a shot of need down deep in my belly and pebbled her skin.
I slid my hands down her arms just to warm her up and then pulled away.
“Can’t keep doing that in public. If I do, I’ll probably get a ticket for indecent exposure.” I adjusted myself behind my jeans, grateful that at least these weren’t too tight in the groin. I was going to hurt myself one day because of her.
Maybe I was going to get hurt because of her no matter what.
Fuck. Where had that thought come from? What we had didn’t mean anything serious. I didn’t need to think past what we had now. I had done something like this before. No strings, just friends, just sex. I could do it again.
Breathless With Her: A Less Than Novel Page 9
