I was what he wanted.
I chose not to dwell on the fact that doing this with me had come as the result of some sort of battle he’d won against his common sense.
Again against my better judgement I opened my mouth. “Hearing you call me an object of your desire is doing things to me, Professor Denis.”
That look on his face, like he was caught between finding me utterly fuckable and somewhat obnoxious, made the butterflies in my stomach come out to play once again. But he didn’t answer, just let the information he’d volunteered sit there between us.
I decided to retreat then, feeling scared of pushing him to a place where he would pull up his defenses again.
I wanted this Patrice, my Patrice, around just a little longer, so I went back to safer waters.
“So dinner was uneventful, then?” He lifted a shoulder and then brought his arm under his head, making those big muscles shift and flex when he moved.
“Yeah, my mom’s husband is out of town this week at a conference, so I missed him.” He chuckled at that for a second and then dipped his head.
“He helps run interference with my mom whenever she gets militant about my locs or tattoos, going to church, my nose ring, wearing sweats or whatever thing I’m doing that drives her crazy.”
His tone was light but there was a tightness in his jaw, which told me that maybe it bothered him more than he’d like to admit.
“She doesn’t like your tattoos?”
Another shrug. “She thinks they give people the wrong idea of the kind of person I am. Like they’re going to make assumptions based on that.”
My gut instinct was to make a joke. Whenever anything came a little too close to heaviness or baggage between me and Patrice, I quickly lightened the mood. Never giving him a reason to feel weighed down when he was with me. I didn’t want to now. I wanted to know.
“Do they?”
He scoffed then and his eyes, which could be serious, or disinterested at times, but never unkind, turned cold. “Of course they do. But no matter how my hair is or what I’m wearing, people will always make assumptions.” His voice was strained like talking about this took him back to a place of endless frustration. He stopped and looked away for a second and when his eyes landed on me, they were soft again, the frustration back wherever he usually kept it under the surface. “People will always think they know who I am, and almost always they will be wrong.”
“People suck.” It was such a dumbass response and not nearly enough, but Patrice chuckled, and a real smile tipped up those lush lips.
“They do.”
I wanted to ask more, about how that was for him. How he handled it without being angry all the time. But I didn’t. Wanting to stretch out this moment, I asked something trivial.
“So what are you doing tomorrow?”
I thought I saw a glimpse of disappointment in his eyes at my obvious attempt to change the subject. It stung, but it felt like it was too late to take it back.
He must’ve caught something in my face. “Are you okay?”
I smiled at him tempted to reach out and touch the screen, wanting to feel closer.
“I’m fine. You didn’t say what you’re doing tomorrow?” I asked again. Not even sure why I insisted on asking the question.
He shook his head gently and sighed. “Driving back afternoonish actually. I need to get some stuff done for my classes next week and I won’t get anything done here. I also told Ari I’d meet him for an early dinner. So I’ll be around.” There was too much promise in that answer for me not to pounce on it.
“You want to come over for a drink after, maybe some dessert?”
That sounded a lot more salacious than I’d intended, but he didn’t exactly look put off, and I went with it. “I promise I won’t jump you, I mean unless you really want me to.”
He laughed at that, and I lit up inside. “I told you I will always be down for someone else making me food, and I have a wicked sweet tooth. I’ll bring some wine.”
I shook my head at his answer. “You don’t need to.”
“I want to. I’ll text you when I get back. I should be back in town by 5:00 p.m. or so.”
“Okay,” I said, trying very hard not to grin.
After that Patrice’s eyes got droopy like he was going to doze off. “I think I need to get to bed. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
That wasn’t a question or a maybe, it was a statement of fact, and it was hard to contain myself. “Okay.”
We signed off and I lay in bed thinking about the call, the intensity of the phone sex. The way my body responded to Patrice even when he wasn’t in the room. How much I wanted him all the time.
If it were up to me we would’ve burned the candle at both ends long ago. But Patrice didn’t operate like that, he was methodical and careful and I couldn’t blame him.
I thought about seeing him the next day and right under the want and need, there was fear. I was scared, of whether in the end, no matter how hot were together, Patrice didn’t want me like I wanted him.
Chapter Eight
Patrice
Resisting Easton had started to feel like a full-time job, and I had plenty of work already.
That was the line I was feeding myself as I drove into Ithaca. I’d left earlier than I anticipated from the city, so I’d get there before 5:00 p.m. My mom had been disappointed, but when I told her it was because I needed to make sure I planned my lessons, she immediately backed off. I felt guilty about it, but my thirst for Easton had been in overdrive since last night. It was like once the dam broke, I couldn’t think of anything other than getting my hands on him.
I was sitting there mulling all this when a call from Ari came in. I picked up, wondering if he needed to reschedule for dinner, and spoke before he had a chance to talk. “I’m pretty close. I should be in town soon.” The long silence on his end gave me pause, and when he finally spoke I immediately knew something was very wrong.
“I’m sorry to bother you.” His usual elegant and lilting accent sounded thicker in his distressed state.
“Aristide, est-ce que tout va bien?” Since I’d met him while helping Nesto with the truck we’d fallen into the habit of speaking in French, both of our native tongues. He usually teased me about me losing my accent, but the long pause after my greeting started to worry me.
“Non. I am not good.”
My heart sank at the finality. “Did something happen with Nesto?”
He answered quickly, as if just realizing that I would think that. “No, he’s fine. Everyone is fine. I just.” He let out a long shuddering breath. “The police stopped me.”
I hit the brakes then, trying to find a place to stop. I needed to be still while I listened to Ari. I looked around, disoriented as panic took over.
I was on a small county road still about ten miles outside of Ithaca and it was deserted, so I pulled to a stop and after a deep breath I spoke again. “When?”
“Like twenty minutes ago.” It was almost 5:00 p.m. and had just started to get dark in the last few minutes.
“What happened?”
“I was coming back from dropping Yin at his house. We worked at the restaurant this morning. Since we have brunch now on weekends, we were there early and finished around 4:00 p.m. I stayed at his house for a bit longer than I should have.” He cleared his throat then, and even in the midst of this shitty moment I smiled hearing how his voice filled with affection whenever his spoke of his boyfriend. “I was rushing to make sure I could stop home before meeting you. I told my uncle I would bring him some dinner from work. I was going faster than I usually drive. They pulled me over right outside of Trumansburg.”
“Did anything bad happen during the stop?” I waited in silence, dreading what he’d say next.
“They were rude, and asked me to get out of the car, but they didn�
�t hurt me. I did everything you and Nesto told me.”
When they’d been over helping with the move, Ari shared he was scared of driving on his own. He’d bought Nesto’s old Prius when Nes upgraded to an SUV some months back, but was still very careful on the road. Nesto and I had talked to him about what he should do if he ever got stopped, told him about the videos he could watch.
“I was just scared.” His voice sounded small and I felt so damn sorry he’d had to go through that. “When they asked for my ID, I almost panicked. I have my license, but I heard they’ve been asking for papers. All I have is my work authorization. I was worried they’d see it and ask me about Batavia.” His voice shook when he mentioned the detention center he’d been held in for over a year. I closed my eyes as my own heartbeat throbbed in my ears. It made me sick to my stomach to hear that he’d gone through that.
I didn’t want this for him.
When he spoke again, his voice, which was usually so strong and jovial, sounded tiny and terrified. “I thought they would call my uncle and you know how he is. He would’ve been furious to know I was driving back from Yin’s house. He keeps threatening me that he won’t help me with my Green Card if I don’t stop being friends with him.”
My mood sank even further at the mention of Ari’s uncle. I knew the man wasn’t evil, but he was certainly going out of his way to be an asshole. I had a feeling his uncle was using this to scare him and that he was not necessarily able to do all the shit he was threatening Ari with.
“Where are you now?”
“I’m at the employee parking lot of OuNYe. I didn’t know where to go and didn’t want to scare Yin.”
Poor kid.
I did some quick mental math on what the best course of action was. I didn’t want him to get on the road again if he was still freaked out. “I’m only like ten minutes out of town, why don’t you call Yin and tell him I’ll pick him up. You can walk over to my place. We’ll order some Thai food and watch a movie. Is that okay or do you need to be home for anything?”
“No, I can tell my uncle I’m sleeping at a friend’s house.” He didn’t sound like he was thrilled about that conversation. But he seemed to be happy with the dinner and movie at my place idea, so I went with it.
“Thanks, Patrice. I am so embarrassed to call you like this, but I didn’t want to bother Nesto and Jude on Nesto’s night off. They had plans to go to that new place on Seneca Lake and I know they would’ve cancelled if I told them what happened. They’ve already done too much for me.”
I shook my head as though he could see me still struggling to keep the sharp anger that was bubbling up from coming through in my voice. “I’m glad you called. I’ll see you soon.”
As I powered up the SUV again and got on the road to go pick up Yin, I tried hard to calm myself. I didn’t need to put my own shit on Ari, but someone was going to have to put the sheriff’s department on blast about this nonsense. Because the longer this went on unchecked... It was only a matter of time before a tragedy happened.
Of course my mind went straight to Easton, and his job in particular. When we’d talked about it before, we’d both tiptoed around the topic and eventually fully dropped it when it was obvious it would ruin our conversation. I compromised because I wanted to spend time with him. Because I let my own wants become more important than my values. I knew this was all bigger than the both of us, but unlike Easton, for me it wasn’t about a cause or a job. This was about my community, my purpose. I could not get involved with someone who would muddy the waters of what was important to me.
I needed to focus on my work, on my activism. Easton was not the person for me. There were things I needed to do that would get too messy if I pursued a relationship with him.
So what if I wanted Easton. So what if he made me feel good. I was still me and he was still him. Our worlds were still at odds, and that was not something I could ignore, no matter how much I wanted to.
I pulled up to Yin’s apartment building where I knew from dropping him off a couple of times, he lived with his two older sisters. I had barely brought the SUV to a full stop when Yin ran up and yanked the car door open. He got in the car with a backpack on this shoulder, his usually sunny face drawn and worried. “You have everything you need for a sleepover?” I asked with a hell of a lot more lightness than I felt.
He looked like he was about to cry. “Yes,” he said, pointing at a small leather backpack. “Thank you for picking me up. I didn’t want Ari coming to get me. He might get into an accident,” he said as he wiped his eyes. “He’s too upset. My sister was going to drive me on her way to work, but she doesn’t leave for another hour.”
“No problem. You want to call in the order for dinner? Thai?” He nodded and pulled out his phone.
We spent the last few minutes of the drive in the negotiations of placing a dinner order and by the time I drove my SUV into the underground parking of my building, we were both feeling a little less on edge.
Ari was waiting for us when we walked up to the building. He and Yin embraced, hard. I imagined with what they’ve both gone through just to get to the States that they were deeply aware of how fragile life could be. They’d been apart for maybe an hour, but they were touching as if it’d been years. It was a relief to see them be a comfort for each other.
As we reached my door I noticed a note taped to my door. I knew who it was from before I even read it. My heart sank and my stomach flipped before I could make out the words. It was only a couple of lines, letting me know he was home and I could come up whenever I got in. But the frustration and fear of the last hour were more than I could ignore. I ushered Yin and Ari into my apartment then pulled out my phone. I quickly tapped out a text, ruthlessly ignoring the ache in my chest as I did so.
Sorry to tell you last minute, but I won’t make it tonight. Have a good rest of your weekend.
After that I turned off my phone.
I looked at the couch where Ari and Yin were sitting. They were talking quietly, their heads so close together their foreheads touched, and I decided this would be where I’d place my energy for now. I needed to focus on the places where I was needed.
“What would you guys like to watch? There’s a bunch of new stuff on Netflix or we can buy something?”
Yin perked up and Ari shook his head. “Bébé, I’m not watching To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before again.”
Yin scrunched his face like he couldn’t understand how a person could be that heartless. “But we haven’t seen it in a really long time.”
Ari rolled his eyes and put his arm around his boyfriend. “Three weeks is not a long time. We saw it when we babysat your niece.”
Yin huffed again and I couldn’t help but laugh, despite the hole in my stomach.
“How about Black Panther?” They both seemed pleased with that answer, and before they changed their mind, I fired up the movie.
“We can pause it when the food comes.” I turned around and noticed they were already settled in on the sofa with a throw over them. Comfortable in my house, and I felt glad that at least I could provide Ari a space where he could be himself while he figured things out.
I couldn’t use my attraction for Easton as a distraction anymore. No matter how much I ached to run upstairs and apologize for leaving him hanging, for hurting him. It was better to do this now than later, before we were both too emotionally invested. It felt like a betrayal to even think like this, but my own wants could not take precedence this time.
Easton
I didn’t see his face, but I didn’t need to. I would recognize those shoulders anywhere. Patrice was embracing another man outside of the building at 10:00 a.m. the morning after cancelling on our plans with zero explanation. From my living room window I had a front-row seat of the unfolding scene. He stood there, his face serious, both hands in his pockets as he watched the man drive off, and then went back inside. I f
elt like the skin on my face was burning, jealousy and humiliation coursing through me.
I was a fucking fool.
Patrice wasn’t busy working like I told myself when I got his text last night as I frantically ran around preparing the elaborate dessert I’d ended up shoving into the fridge untouched.
He was with someone else.
All that shit he said on the phone the other night was just that...shit he’d said. I had to finally get it through my stupid fucking head that Patrice and I weren’t doing the same thing. We were nowhere near the same page, and I need to leave this alone.
And yet, before I knew it I was running down the two flights of stairs to his place and knocking on his door. I didn’t even have the excuse of being drunk. Gearing up for a big case in less than two weeks meant I couldn’t afford to kill my productivity with hangovers.
So within seconds I was in front of Patrice’s apartment door, knocking on it like I had a right to, with all of one mimosa in my system. I had no idea what I thought I was doing, but I felt so hurt.
I needed to hear from him why he’d strung me along like that.
When he finally opened the door, I saw a blend of surprise and weariness on his face. Not exactly what I was hoping for, but not exactly unexpected either. Besides I didn’t come expecting a warm welcome, I’d come to give Dr. Denis a piece of my mind. Before he said anything he brought up his arm so he could look at the watch on his wrist. When he saw the time he raised an eyebrow in question. Like that was supposed to embarrass me.
“How can I help you, Easton?”
That aloofness cut deep, and for a moment I hesitated. I’d wanted to believe there was something between us, but when I saw him shut down like this, I faltered. His cool eyes made me wonder made me feel so pathetic. I breathed through the heat I knew would probably creep up on my face if I didn’t calm down.
“Just wanted to say I hoped you had a nice date.” I was practically spitting out the words, but the look of confusion on his face mollified me a bit. Once I was done, I didn’t even give him a chance to respond and before I humiliated myself more, I started turning away.
American Love Story (Dreamers) Page 11
