by Tara Brent
“Sorry,” I said on my son’s behalf, but Andrew just rolled his eyes.
“It’s hardly a burden,” he promised, “Now don’t think you can escape from telling me about last night,” he said, changing the subject and making me face our inevitable conversation. “Tell me what happened with Rick. Did you sleep with him?” he asked mischievously, narrowing his eyes at me.
My face must have said it all. I could feel myself blush, my cheeks heating with the knowledge of what I’d done last night.
“Oh my God, you did!” he exclaimed, suddenly excited and looking a lot more awake than he had a few moments ago. “You have to tell me what happened! I knew you would end up sleeping with him! You like him!” He turned on the couch, sitting so he was facing me and pinned me with another stare. There would be no escaping this.
“It... I had a nice time,” I said.
It was hard to summarise how I was feeling. I’d been so happy but it hadn’t taken long for my mood to sour. So despite my earlier happiness, I was feeling a little disheartened.
I’d had such a lovely evening. For a moment I’d allowed myself to forget everything – all of this silly mess that I had gotten myself into. I was able to spend time with Rick, to just enjoy myself for the first time in years. I didn’t want to admit how much I had liked it. I felt so very conflicted with everything that was going on.
“Really?” he asked, “because you don’t look it. Why aren’t you smiling?” he asked, genuinely perplexed at my gloomy behavior.
“I don’t know, I just... I feel so stupid. I try so hard to keep a clear head around him, to not fall under his spell and then as soon as I see him it’s like I’m a high schooler again. I just... I turn stupid,” I admitted.
“You’re not stupid,” he instantly assured me. “It’s because you like him so much. Why are you being so hard on yourself?” he asked me.
“I just... you know why.” I sighed.
It was hard to admit my feelings out loud, everything sounded so complicated in my mind. Where could I even start to explain it, even to someone like Andrew who was an absolute sweetheart to me? I knew that he wouldn’t judge me, but still, something stopped me from being able to voice what I was feeling.
“Because of Benny?” he asked, plucking how I was feeling right out of my mind.
I nodded, feeling terrible. It all came back to Benny.
“You know it’s okay to like Rick,” Andrew told me. “You can’t hate him forever, if anything, you should come clean to him about all of this. I think the stress of keeping this secret is killing you.”
He was right, I knew he was. But how could I fix this? What was I supposed to do? Call him and say, ‘Oh, by the way, Rick, I didn’t actually get an abortion three years ago. I kept the baby and you have a kid. Surprise?’ Yeah, that would not go down well at all. It was probably better if I just carried on as I was – a single mom, though deep inside me, there was a voice nagging me, telling me that Andrew was right.
You can’t keep this up forever. You deserve to be happy! And you’re the one that hurts the most: Plus you’re keeping Rick from his son and stopping Benny from having a dad.
I groaned into my hands. This whole situation was awful. “I know, I just...” I tried to explain. I was probably complicating it in my mind, I probably needed to just do it – rip it off like a Band-Aid, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It was hard to admit that I had made mistakes and I was worried about not only Rick’s reaction, but the entirety of my family as well. “I need time to think about this. I need to clear my head.”
“You have time, Sam, you have as much time as you need. You don’t have to do it right this second. I mean, it’s not like he’ll find out. No-one knows who Benny’s real dad is. Well, apart from me, but it’s not like I’m going to tell the guy.”
Yes, Andrew had never met Rick even though he had visited home with me several times over the years. He’d met Josh and both of my parents, but since I avoided Rick like the plague, he’d never even caught sight of him, thank God. I wasn’t really looking forward to the exchange because as supportive as Andrew was, he could also be quite overprotective. If Rick started being his usual jerk self around Andrew, then he’d probably tell him quite creatively where to shove it. Not like I could blame him, I was exactly the same when it came to Rick – there was no filter between my brain and mouth.
“I know, it’s just a lot to deal with. I never asked for any of this. I never asked to get pregnant and I never thought I would be here. I mean, before all this happened I couldn’t even tell a white lie, let alone something like this, now I feel I’m just lost in this big web of lies and it’s difficult for me to keep up with it all.” It was true, I’d been terrible at anything remotely deceitful.
Now, look at me. I’m lying to everyone: to my parents and Josh, to Rick, and worst of all, to Benny. My lies were exhausting.
He was at the age where he didn’t understand family dynamics, so he’s never asked anything about his dad. But I knew I was on borrowed time. Give it a few months and he would be at preschool and mixing with other kids, he was bound to notice that other children had dads, and when he inevitably asked me, what was I supposed to say. Lying by omission and lying to his face were two very different things. I didn’t want him to grow up hating me. Benny was my whole world. I knew something was going to have to change, but I just wasn’t sure how.
“I hate to suggest it, but have you thought about seeing a therapist? I mean, they help you work through things like this? Right?”
I looked at him surprised at the suggestion. I hadn’t. I hadn’t ever thought of doing anything like that. Andrew’s words made me think a lot. There had to be other women in this situation, surely? I couldn’t be the only person in the world who had messed up and had gotten carried away in some lies. I wasn’t a bad person. I was just trying to protect myself and my child. I had all the best intentions, but maybe I needed a little help with the execution of these things.
Everything just felt so hard! How could I begin to tell someone something like this? Though, surely they must have heard it all before? It was their job after all. I didn’t want to hear the judgment or to see the pity on people’s faces. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I just didn’t know how to stop, especially since I had the best of intentions.
“It’s probably not as complicated as you think it is, Sam. You could tell him, you’d feel better if you got everything off your chest.”
Even the idea of it gave me anxiety.
“I know you are right,” I agreed with a sigh, “but I just need some time to think about it and figure out what I want. Last night with Rick, it...”
I felt my eyes filling with tears as I became emotional about how I was feeling about him.
“Last night was perfect,” I said. “But, I just don’t know where to go from here.” I started crying, the past twenty-four hours seemed to catch up with me, that and the three hours sleep I’d had last night.
“You don’t have to make any decisions now, Sam, just rest, okay? Why don’t you go get into bed and I’ll sleep down here? I’ll get up with Benny in the morning, don’t worry about it. Just get some sleep and relax.”
I hugged Andrew, so grateful for his offer.
“Are you sure?” I asked him, but he was already grabbing a cushion and getting comfortable on the couch.
“Get out before I kick you off the couch,” he warned with a small smile before closing his eyes.
I hovered for a few moments before saying, “Thanks, Andrew,” before I left to go upstairs, ready to collapse into bed.
Chapter 22
Rick
It was midday by the time I left the hotel. I’d used their spa, I’d taken full advantage of their gym, had a swim and used the sauna... it had been exactly what I needed to clear my head and to try and figure out what I was going to do about Samantha.
No matter how much I tried to talk myself out of it, I knew that I needed to go over to her house and just
be frank with her. I needed to just say it and lay all the cards on the table, it would not be easy, but it was what I needed to do. I’d just go over there and tell her that I wanted to be with her. I wasn’t going to get anywhere if I didn’t tell her exactly what I was trying to accomplish with her at my side.
The words swirled around my head... ‘Samantha, I’m still in love with you.’ ‘The biggest mistake of my life was letting you go.’ ‘I should have never let you get an abortion by yourself.’ ‘You’re right, I was an idiot and I’m sorry.’ ‘I just want to make it up to you.’ I was going to sound like a Hallmark movie, but what else could I say? There was no way of putting across what I wanted to say without being corny.
I had psyched myself up about it and I needed to do it while I had the confidence. I felt like if I didn’t, we would keep playing these games back and forth with each other. I didn’t want that. I was serious. I just wanted to be with her. I wished I had figured it all out sooner.
I drove to her house, reciting the words over and over and thinking about how I was going to fix this. By the time I had pulled up outside her house, I felt full of adrenaline. I was ready. I rang her doorbell and braced myself for whatever snarky one-liner she was about to throw at me.
The door swung open and I was ready. This is it. My moment. But for a second, I stared confused. I looked at the door, my eyes flicking to the number plate which shined on the door.
Yes, it’s the right number.
“Is... Is Samantha there?” I asked, feeling completely thrown off.
A guy I didn't recognize was staring at me face to face. He was tall like me, but he had dark blonde hair and blue eyes. He frowned at my words.
“Why? Who's asking?” He narrowed his eyes at me and then crossed his arms. He looked at me suspiciously before stepping outside, just as Samantha had yesterday, and then closing the door behind us. I tried to peek into the house but I had no luck. The door was firmly shut behind us and I found myself being stared down.
“Oh, well, I just wanted to talk to her about something. Is she home?” I asked again, insistently. All the time wondering who the hell is this guy?
The guy merely looked me up and down but then he made a face as if he was realizing something. Instead of actually acknowledging what I said, he tilted his head slightly.
“You’re not Rick, are you?” he asked.
For a moment I felt like I was being punked. I pretty much knew everyone in Sam’s life. I knew her whole family and her friends... so who was this guy? And why was he at Samantha’s house? I was sure that Josh was going to jump out from somewhere laughing and exclaim that he was winding me up.
But no such thing happened.
“Yes, I’m Rick Carlson,” I said, holding out my hand in an invitation to shake but the other guy just looked at it for a second.
“What do you want?” he asked, clearly unimpressed that I was standing outside.
“Oh, well—”
There was a sound from inside.
“I think you should just leave,” he interrupted, looking well and truly pissed off. He glanced towards the door for a second. “You’re not welcome here.”
I faltered.
Was this... Did Samantha have a boyfriend? ...was she married?
I wracked my brain, trying to think if she had even once mentioned that she was single, but I came up with nothing. I’d remembered looking at her ring finger when I’d very first seen her and finding no band, but I was sure lots of couples did the modern things and passed on rings.
Something didn’t sit right with the situation and I started to feel awkward.
I thought about asking, but was it really the best idea to show up at Samantha’s house and to accost her potential boyfriend/husband. I didn’t want to get her in trouble, so I backed off, feeling defeated.
“Okay, man, no problem. I’ll message her,” I said disheartened before turning and leaving.
The guy rolled his eyes before stepping back inside and I felt like I’d been kicked in the gut. I had so many questions but now I was unsure about talking to Samantha.
There was only one place that I could go.
***
Charlie looked like shit as I walked in his house using my own key. He was sprawled across his sofa, half hanging off it and clearly still very hungover despite the time of the day. I gave him a little kick with my foot and he groaned before collapsing completely onto the floor. He looked up at me with bleary eyes and clearly confused.
“What’s up, man?” he asked, “I didn’t really see much of you last night...”
“I hear you basically emptied the open bar though,” I joked, unwilling to get around to the true issue.
“Yeah, it was a good night, that Lexi is something else, heh?” he asked, sitting up, “I mean, she’s totally wild.”
I shrugged. Normally I was able to have a good laugh but I somehow didn’t feel up to it. “Did you know Samantha Jenkins is living back here?” I asked, the words immediately spilling out from his mouth.
Charlie looked confused at me. “Right, right, I’m getting up. I’m gonna need coffee for this conversation, aren’t I?” He sighed before pulling himself up.
***
Fifteen minutes later, the two of us were at the McDonalds which was around the corner. We ordered some lunch using the self-service machines and then the two of us tucked in. I didn’t realize how hungry I was but it made sense since I’d worked out at the gym for like two hours that morning.
“So spill, dude. I knew there was gonna be trouble the moment she was back.”
I took offense to the words and I rolled my eyes. “She’s not trouble,” I denied.
“I didn’t say she was trouble, I said there would be trouble. And I’m guessing that I’m right. So, what happened then after I saw you two last night?” he asked, taking a big mouth of his cheeseburger.
“I...”
Now that I was here, I wasn’t sure that I wanted to actually tell him what I thought, especially since it would be proving him right. But then, I couldn’t talk to Josh about this, there was no way – Sam was his sister! It would mean admitting a lot of things that I was ashamed of and there would be a lot of questions.
“I think she’s married,” I said, while I could gather the courage. I didn’t know if I was right or not, I might be jumping to conclusions, but it wouldn’t be the first time I’d accidentally slept with someone who was already spoken for when I was drunk.
Charlie glared at me. “So?” he asked with a shrug. “Why do you care? Still crushing on her after all these years?” Charlie knew how I felt about her. Unable to talk to Josh about it, I had told him when she left for college.
I glared at him. He knew what I was going to say. He wasn’t dumb. He’d seen me kiss her, he’d seen us dancing...
“And don’t tell me... you slept with her,” he continued, knowing how predictable I was.
“Yeah, I did. Last night,” I admitted because there was no reason to lie to him. Charlie literally would not care at all, even if she was married.
“Well, if she’s married, then I hope it was worth it,” he said looking like he didn’t want to be in my shoes and I couldn’t blame him. “Because there’s no way this is gonna end well.”
“I thought I was gonna get my ass kicked,” I admitted.
He looked up at me, shooting me a shocked expression. “So, you met him then? When? This morning?”
“Well, I dunno, man. I just—” I didn’t know how to explain without sounding like a stalker.
“Start from the beginning, what actually happened? You’re not even making sense.”
He was right. I felt all over the place. I think I was a little in shock if I was being honest with myself. So much had happened over the past few days that I felt like my head was spinning.
“I... She came to the party last night...” I started.
“Well, you know that I know that,” he replied with a small grin. “You two looked pretty cozy.”
<
br /> “Yeah,” I said with a breathless laugh, “we were. I had a really good time with her. Not just...” I trailed off not wanting to say anything disrespectful, hoping he would know what I meant, “I felt like we really connected. We... we danced, we had a drink... we talked. I thought I was on the way to fixing things between us.”
Charlie didn’t say anything, but he waited for me to continue which I was grateful for since I was debating actually telling him the whole story. I’d kept the secret of what had happened between the two of us all these years. And now the guilt was weighing heavy on me. I knew it was the same secret that was destroying us, or at least, I had thought so. Now I didn’t know what to think if she was married.
Why did she give me a chance? Why did she sleep with me if she had moved on?
But it did make sense of why she would just suddenly leave with no notice. It was no wonder that she regretted what had happened. I didn’t know, and I wasn’t willing to ruin her marriage or relationship to get answers. Ultimately, I wanted Samantha to be happy.
I’d already been selfish enough.
“I didn’t tell you the whole story,” I admitted, talking into my coffee. “I wanted to, but to be honest I was terrified. I was young and stupid and I did something really dumb.” I stared at the table.
Charlie frowned at me and put his burger down as he realized I was being completely serious. “What are you talking about?” he asked me, his voice a little hushed. “What did you do?” He glanced around the room and then leaned over the table, sitting closer to me.
It was hard to say it out loud, but I had to accept that it was the mistake that I had made. Denying it and living with it like a dark secret was not healthy for me. It was making me miserable. It was probably what was always dragging me down, why something I couldn’t put my finger on always felt... off.
