by Emily Lowry
“She’s not my girl,” I said. And she never would be. Never could be. Jordyn never wanted to be with me in the real world. She was the one who wanted this to be a secret, to be a summer thing, separate from reality. And I was the one who’d let my heart get in the way of that.
I understood why Luis wanted me to talk to Jordyn. To figure things out. But it felt like things had already been decided, whether or not I liked it. And talking to her? That would only lead to an official breakup.
It was easier to live in denial than deal with the consequences of reality.
44
Jordyn
I sat at the kitchen table and crunched down a third bowl of cereal. While I was eating, my parents came into the kitchen in turns. Dad first. He fished some leftovers out of the fridge without saying a word. Instead, he just stared at his phone the entire time, not meeting my eye. Mom came in next. She gave me a sad look, but also said nothing.
Not that I bothered to say anything to them. They were probably waiting for Chase to get back before talking to either of us about their impending divorce. Or they were just treating me like I was invisible, as per usual. If I wasn’t actively causing problems, I wasn’t seen.
Once mom left the kitchen, I finished my cereal and put the bowl in the sink. I didn’t have time to worry about my parents’ relationship; I was too busy dealing with my own problems. Dylan was on his way over. We were going to have a Talk, capital-T. About our relationship. About where it might be heading.
About how it might be ending.
It was what I had wanted, right? Dylan never fell for anyone, he kept things casual with every girl he dated, so I had dictated our terms from the start. The rules were meant to keep my heart safe: it was a secret thing, one summer only. No feelings involved.
Except there were.
Mine.
I was the idiot who had fallen for Dylan Ramirez.
The doorbell rang and nerves shot through my body.
I walked to the door as slowly as possible. Each step was one step closer to the chopping block. The sooner I answered the door, the sooner everything would end. My heart was already fractured. It wouldn’t take much for it to break.
I took a deep breath and opened the door.
Dylan smiled. There were dark circles under his eyes and creases on his face that reminded me of his father. As soon as he was inside, he wrapped his arms around me in a hug. I thought about resisting, but couldn’t. I was sad, hurt, angry, and the worst part was that the only thing I wanted to fix those feelings was the one thing I was about to lose forever — Dylan himself. So instead of pushing back, I gave in, just for a moment, and circled my arms around him, pulling him tight against me, my hands balled up in the back of his t-shirt. I rested my head on his chest, inhaling his scent, and resisted the urge to cry my heart out.
We held each other for far too long to be ‘just friends.’
Finally, I pulled away, took his hand, and led him to the kitchen. We sat at opposite ends of the table, like two lawyers ready to negotiate a contract. Or a divorce.
I broke the ice. “What are you thinking?”
He sighed heavily. “I’m thinking—”
Before he could finish, I heard the front door swing open.
Dad?
“Guess who’s back! Anyone home?”
It was Chase.
Dylan and I exchanged panicked glances. What were we supposed to do? What were we supposed to say? Chase was home early, and by getting home early, he’d ruined our last chance to figure out our relationship.
Chase entered the kitchen, a big smile on his tanned face. When he saw Dylan and I sitting across from the table, his smile faltered, replaced by a look of suspicion. His gaze zeroed in on my puffy eyes. “Didn’t realize we had company.”
“It’s just Dylan,” I said, standing. I ran over and gave Chase a quick hug. “He barely counts as company. I’m glad you’re home — now I have someone to take him off my hands. Hailey’s supposed to be back soon, so I was going to run over to her place and hang out.”
It was an absolute lie, and if Chase looked into it, it would be very easy to uncover. But I wasn’t ready to face my brother, not yet.
So instead, I grabbed my jacket and disappeared, leaving Dylan to fend for himself.
I wasn’t sure if that was a good idea, either.
45
Dylan
Chase got back early from football camp, interrupting any chance I had to discuss my relationship with Jordyn. Instead, I spent the rest of the afternoon hanging out with Chase and hearing about what he’d learned at camp. For six weeks, he’d had his time split evenly between reviewing game film (with an emphasis on reading different coverages and blitzes), individual drills, and seven on seven scrimmages. During camp, a dozen college scouts watched from the stands.
Normally, I would’ve been happy to talk about football, and just football, for weeks. But I couldn’t get Jordyn out of my mind. Was this how we were going to leave things? Everything felt unfinished, like we were reading a book only to find the ending missing. When Chase asked about Lauren, I laughed it off with a shrug. When he asked about Jordyn, I told him she was doing well at Beachbreak, but nothing beyond that. The guilt in my stomach was a balloon, inflating with each lie I breathed into existence. It would have to pop sometime. And it would be ugly.
The rest of my week was packed with shifts at Beachbreak. Unfortunately, none of them overlapped with Jordyn, so I never got the chance to even see her, much less talk to her. Aside from a handful of texts, it was the longest we’d gone without talking to each other all summer.
Friday morning, I had just finished packing my clothes when a car honked outside. I grabbed my bag and headed out the front door. Chase and Jordyn were waiting in a car in the driveway. Our annual end of summer trip to the Jones’s mountain cabin. This trip was tradition for us and all of our friends, including Hailey, Trey, and Abby.
When we were younger, Chase and Jordyn’s parents had taken us. This year would be the first year we were unchaperoned. I should have been looking forward to it, but I was filled with dread. I considered lying my way out of it, but I’d created enough lies to keep track of already.
I hated lying. Hated doing this to my best friend.
But I had to, for Jordyn.
I hopped in the backseat. “What’s up.”
Chase said nothing. Didn’t even acknowledge me. Instead, he shifted into reverse, backed out of my driveway, then navigated through the neighborhood on the way to the interstate. Jordyn didn’t say anything, either.
As long as I could remember, there had never been tension between the three of us. Never.
Chase sighed. “So. I think I need to ask you guys a question.”
46
Jordyn
Oh no.
It was happening. All of my nightmares were coming together for this singular moment. The bubble Dylan and I had been living in was about to pop, and Chase’s question was the pin that would pop it.
Chase steadied himself. His fingers were white on the steering wheel, his forearms tense. He licked his lips. “There’s a lot of talk on Click about you two. I just want to know right now — is it true?”
What was I supposed to say? What was actually true? I didn’t know. We hadn’t had a chance to figure out our relationship. To figure out what we were. Not only did I not know what was true, I didn’t even know what I wanted to be true.
Like a coward, I stayed quiet and internally pleaded for Dylan to bail me out.
Dylan was silent for a long moment, then cleared his throat. “It’s all made up, dude. You know Click. We were just out doing regular things and people were trying to start some drama.”
We passed a car.
“Good,” Chase said. “Some of those photos were pretty convincing. But it’s Click. Can’t trust it. That’s why I thought I’d ask.”
“Don’t worry about it, dude,” Dylan said. “There is not now, nor will there ever be, something
between me and your sister. Right, Jones?”
He sounded so, so confident. Not now. Not ever. Maybe that was the truth I was avoiding. The one thing I didn’t want to confront.
If nothing was ever going to happen, it was for the best, wasn’t it? Love destroyed everything. It had already done a lot of damage to our friendship. Dylan was just trying to save us.
So why did it hurt so much?
“Looks like you got something right for once, Ramirez,” I snapped. Better to sound angry than to sound sad. Better to be feared than pitied. I connected my phone to the stereo, put on my road trip playlist, and cranked the music.
We were about halfway through the tunes when Chase pulled off the highway to get gas. He went inside to pay, leaving Dylan and I alone for the first time in forever.
There were a thousand things I wanted to say, but all the words felt wrong in my mouth. Once again, I took the coward’s way out and stayed quiet.
“So, is it over?” Dylan asked. His voice was soft as November snow.
“That was the deal we made,” I said. “Chase comes back, we go back to normal.”
There was a long silence between us. I couldn’t even remember what normal was supposed to look like. When you broke up with a friend, did you get to stay friends? Or was everything broken forever?
“Back to normal,” Dylan whispered.
Chase emerged from the gas station and jogged back to the car. He frowned. “What’s the matter with you two? Didn’t get much sleep? Come on. This weekend is always the best part of summer.”
It used to be.
But Dylan had been the best part of summer. The sarcastic comments and stolen kisses at Beachbreak. The Slip ‘n Slide. The carnival Love Doctor that matched us together. Everything that I loved about this summer revolved around Dylan.
Sadly, summer was over.
47
Jordyn
I laid on the bottom bunk bed while Hailey snored softly above me. I tried rolling over, tried flipping my pillow to the cool side, counting sheep, and about a hundred other things that were supposed to put me to sleep, but nothing worked. There was a storm inside my head, and every time I felt close to drifting off, there’d be another crack of lightning and rumble of thunder to keep me awake.
How could such a quiet breakup be so loud?
We arrived at the cabin late at night. Hailey, Trey, and Abby arrived shortly after. They had carpooled up in Trey’s rickety van after Abby and Trey finished work for the day. I was over the moon to see my best friend, but I couldn’t shake the sadness welling inside me as the evening went on. We sat around the table, played cards, ate snacks, and told stories about our summers. Not the full story, obviously. For most of the night, I was sitting right next to Dylan. But I couldn’t do anything. Couldn’t punch him in the shoulder. Couldn’t reach out and touch him. Something that used to be so natural was now gone, ruined.
I was surrounded by people I loved, but I felt completely alone.
I sighed in the darkness and rubbed my eyes. If I wasn’t going to get any sleep, there was no point in lying here and listening to my best friend snore the night away. I slipped out from under the covers, changed into my bikini, and exited, closing the bedroom door softly behind me.
Our cabin was in the mountains outside of Denver, up near Howls Lake. Mom and Dad bought the cabin when they found out she was pregnant, and it had been in our family ever since. So many of my earliest childhood memories, my favorite memories, took place on this mountain. Hiking with Chase. Trying to push Chase down a hill. Swimming with Dylan. Trying — in vain — to dunk his head beneath the water. The three of us, walking along the gravel road that led to the tiny village with the adorable ice cream shop.
I slowly crept through the darkness of the cabin, pausing to look at the framed photos. Summer memories, mom called them. There were so, so many of them. And unlike the photos that hung on our walls at home, these were actually happy. The smiles — mine, Chase’s, Mom’s, Dad’s, and Dylan’s — were real.
My chest hurt and my eyes stung. I was a ghost walking through scattered memories. Now I couldn’t even think about all the time I spent with Dylan, even before we were dating, without hurting. Apparently, it only took a handful of dates to ruin my childhood memories.
I stole a towel from the bathroom, wrapped it around my waist, then slipped outside. Even in August, the mountain air was cool against my skin. The stars were bright and there was no moon. My teeth chattered slightly as I picked my way along the rock path. It was thirty feet long and wound through a cluster of pine trees. At the end of the path was a covered hot tub.
At least, it was supposed to be covered.
But, to my surprise, the cover was leaning against a tree and someone was sitting in the hot tub.
My heart stopped.
Dylan.
His eyes were closed, his head leaning back. He looked comfortable. Relaxed. I briefly debated whether or not I should bother him. He must have been having trouble sleeping too.
I chickened out. I turned to leave, accidentally stepping on a branch.
It snapped.
Dylan’s head jolted up. He saw me and his expression softened. “Jones.”
“Hey,” I said, my voice barely carrying over the jets. “I couldn’t sleep, so I was… it’s okay, I’ll just go inside.”
Dylan shook his head. “It’s all good. You can come in. Or I can get out. I’ve been out here for a while now, anyway.”
“You can stay. We’re supposed to still be friends, right?”
“Right.” I hated how uncertain he sounded.
I took off my towel and hung it from a tree branch. I climbed the stairs, then slowly lowered myself into the hot tub. Hot water bubbled around me, massaged my body, and melted the tension from my muscles and my mind. I stretched my legs, accidentally hitting Dylan with my foot. “Sorry,” I said quickly.
“It’s okay.” As he spoke, he shifted so he was on the exact opposite side of the hot tub.
For a long while, neither of us said anything. There was just too much we needed to talk about, too much to put into words. This time, I broke the silence.
“How’ve you been?” I asked.
Dylan ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. “Honestly, I’ve been better, Jones.”
I wanted to swim across the hot tub. To take him in my arms and tell him everything would be okay. To kiss him. But instead, I anchored myself to the side, where it was safe. There was no need to make this more complicated than it already was. “Me too.”
Dylan rested his head on the hot tub, staring up at the stars. “What are you doing tomorrow?”
“Hailey, Trey and I are going to check out the shops and have a picnic by the lake. You?”
“Chase and Abby want to go hiking. I’ll probably tag along. Maybe throw the ball around later.”
“Cool.”
Ugh. It felt like trying to make conversation with someone I’d just met for the first time instead of someone I’d known my entire life. There were so many questions I wanted to ask him, but it was so hard to spit the words out of my mouth. Was he feeling the same way? Why was it suddenly so hard to talk to him now?
You know why. Because love ruins everything.
It did.
I knew with more certainty than ever in my life that it did. Two people could like each other, but as soon as they fell in love, their relationship was destroyed.
Just like mom and dad.
And now me and Dylan.
You never learn, Jordyn.
I felt another pain in my chest. I needed to get out of here. Now. No one got to see me cry. I couldn’t be cool, unshakable Jordyn if I cried.
I faked a yawn. “Time for bed. Good night.”
Before Dylan could protest, before he could even say good night, I was up and out of the hot tub.
I’d ruined our friendship.
I’d ruined my everything.
48
Dylan
Jordyn spla
shed out of the hot tub, grabbed her towel, and dashed into the darkness before I even realized what was happening. I put my head in my hands. I didn’t blame her for running off. Not when I’d been so awkward. I didn’t know what I was supposed to say. What I was allowed to say. Over the past few weeks, we’d destroyed the lines between a friendship and a relationship, and now we were awkwardly trying to re-establish them with disastrous results.
A cool mountain breeze rustled through the trees.
Alone once more, I stared at the stars. Jordyn had looked sad the whole day. Gone was our playful banter, the subtle jabs, the sly winks. But somehow worse than that, it felt like her competitive fire had been extinguished. Her competitiveness made her Jordyn, and the end of our relationship had snuffed out that flame.
“Get it together,” I muttered to myself. She was the most amazing person I’d ever met. She was strong. She would bounce back. And as much as I wanted to find her, to hold her, to tell her how incredible she was, I knew I couldn’t cross that line. Not again. Not when it had almost destroyed our friendship.
I climbed out of the hot tub, put the cover back on, then went to bed. My night was sleepless; no matter how much I tossed and turned, the only thing that changed was the red numbers on the alarm clock. Was Jordyn sleeping? Or had I ruined her night, too?
At some point, I must have fallen asleep, because I woke to the sun on my face. It was past ten and I could smell bacon and fresh coffee. I put on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, slapped on some deodorant, quickly brushed my teeth, then went downstairs to the kitchen.
Chase stood over the stove, a spatula in hand, scrambling eggs and poking at bacon. Abby was sitting on the counter next to the toaster, diligently putting bread in, toasting it, then buttering it and setting it on a plate. There was a jug of orange juice next to her.
