When they died, and he was once again all alone, Edward Jonathan St. James felt an enormous emptiness that would forever after define his life. Edward now bitterly understood that it was the way of the world to enter this life alone and alone is how we surely must leave it. But in between, we can find such joy, such happiness that is solely the province of family and loving hearts.
One chapter in Edward’s life had closed but in time he would meet his Anna and his life would forever change again. And once again, it would be love and family that would heal his soul.
Chapter 16
It was an odd configuration that developed between the St. James and Suarez families some twenty-five years ago, initially born out of need and, in some sense, desperation. As the two families came together in the early years, it became clear that the central “soul” of the five family members was Maria, and the least reliable, at least in terms of any useful family input, was Edward himself. Many on the outside pegged Edward as cool and detached, while Maria was universally viewed warm and friendly. Both views were, in context, equal parts of right and wrong. Their family dynamic was unusual but it worked and worked well.
Edward, as he would readily admit, wasn’t the most cheerful or friendly chap on the planet. He lacked the bonhomie of many of his more accomplished academic colleagues. Edward could be rude, self-absorbed and egotistical to his colleagues, associates and the outside world in general. Few understood him in the way Maria did, having journeyed with him from the death of his wife, Anna, to his present-day key roles as the patron of the Eight Families and, professionally, as the head and leading luminary of the Antiquities Research Group at the Victoria Institute. He was, in the view of many, one of the early pioneers who helped bring the field of forensic archeology into mainstream academic acceptance.
As a father, there were times that he didn’t understand what was expected of him. Anna had always told him what a great father he would be and what a marvelous adventure they had embarked upon. In his mind, he knew everything would be OK just as long as Anna was with him. He himself feared this part of his life as something foreign and mysterious. He once asked Anna what he needed to do to be a good father, expecting some lengthy discourse on what to do day by day. He thought that perhaps there was a well-researched book on the subject and he could learn simply by reading.
“Be present in your son’s life every day and love him. That’s all you will ever need to do.” Anna may as well have spoken secret incantations in Swahili; the simplicity of her insight eluded him for many years. He needed help; with the Suarez family he was never alone.
Edward may not have understood then what Anna meant but he loved her so much, trusted her so deeply that he was certain he could one day come to understand the lessons she had somehow already learned.
Edward didn’t try to be difficult to get along with; it was simply the way he was. Too many years of inattention to his emotional growth had molded and suffused negative patterns and habits into a life that radiated out on even those closest to him. To those who liked Edward, he was the quintessential “absent minded professor”; his insensitive conduct bore little resemblance to the good person he was inside. To those who were less understanding, he was a giant, miserable sucking asshole.
***
Very often, as Adam was growing up, he often saw his father in the latter camp. Adam looked around his family and saw Edward as the outlier, the one family object that was unlike all the others. His Dad could explain things, wonderful and interesting academic things but he knew almost nothing about what it was like, or even what it meant “to just be a kid”. His Dad, he believed, seemed incapable of the emotional insight virtually every parent felt when watching his kid play ball or star in the school play. And Adam was beginning to see himself at the early stages of becoming just like his father. That, he decided, was not a good thing.
***
When Edward originally met Hannah Andrews Parker, he paid little attention to his son’s new girlfriend. At 6’1 and an athletic specimen, Adam had dated a little, all local girls, and it seemed to Edward that the “new one” would last about as long as the steady stream of “old ones”. But a year or so later, there were no “new ones” and the “old one” was still hanging around. At Maria’s urging, Edward began to curb his natural inclination to ignore the girlfriend and his son’s growing social life and began to take a keener interest in this Hannah Parker.
Slowly, and over time, he got to know Hannah and he began to like her and her family a great deal. Edward even flew to Seattle to have dinner with Hannah and her parents when Adam was unexpectedly sent on assignment and had to cancel one of their “get togethers”.
To the outside world, Edward’s behavior was quite unremarkable. To Edward’s family, his behavior was quite exceptional. To Edward, it was research.
In the end, Edward came to realize that Hannah might be for Adam what Anna had been for him ... everything. After that, Hannah became his daughter too and Edward simply assumed that events would eventually unfold as they had in his life. In time, Hannah and Adam would marry and be immensely happy. And Adam would have a chance at the lifetime of happiness that had been so heartlessly denied to him.
Edward could be cool emotionally and distant, even to family, but this was something he just knew had to be true.
When he heard the news that “Hannah and Adam” might no longer be a couple, Edward felt the same panic he had himself experienced all those many years ago. It was as if it was happening to him all over again. It wasn’t, he told himself. Still, why did he suddenly feel so alarmed?
***
“Dad, I’m home. You here, you crazy old man?” Adam had called him his “crazy old man” from the time he was little, and it was strangely comforting to Edward.
“Living room, reading your trip notes.” Edward tried to hold back, but he just couldn’t. “Mom called. What’s all this nonsense about you and Hannah, anyway?”
Adam and Rod hung up their coats and drifted into a semi-darkened room, some background light coming from a crackling fake fire place. Edward was reclined on the couch, his face oddly lit by the glow from his laptop. His hair disheveled, he looked a little like a mad scientist from a ‘50’s monster movie, bad makeup and all.
“It’s nothing Dad, nothing that can’t be fixed. I just need to talk to her again.” Adam didn’t believe this, but he hoped his father would. It would be easier that way.
“You’re sure about that, are you?”
“Of course. Hannah knows how much I love her. Things will be alright and back to normal very soon. You’ll see.”
“Not according to Mom.” Edward stopped pretending to be reading and looked up at his boy, his reading glasses tenuously perched precariously on the tip of his nose.
“I don’t want to argue, Dad.” Adam was curt with his father, as they often were with each other. “Can we just drop this for now? I’m home and I’m tired and just need some time … to think.”
“Alright, let’s drop it – for now. But if you want to talk, I want to listen. I know I’m not very good at listening – at least that’s what your Mom says. And I know you think I’m going to lecture you, but I’m not. This time I’ll just listen if that’s what you want me to do.”
“We can talk soon then. Maybe tomorrow.”
Adam turned away, mentally exhausted, thinking he might go right to bed and talk to his Mom in the morning.
“Adam.” Edward said as his eyes dropped back to the computer screen. “You know, she’s the only one I ever really liked. And I love you too, son, in case I don’t say that as often as I should. You do know that, don’t you?”
“You may be a fucked up total mess, Dad, and irresponsible in more ways than I can count, but there are two things I know for sure about you: you’re definitely my Dad and you definitely love me. Let’s try taking it a little easier on each other for the next little while. I’d appreciate the extra time and space, and the mental effort
.”
“Of course, son. See you in the morning.”
Who was this guy claiming to be his father, Adam thought? It wasn’t like his father, Adam thought, to just “leave things alone”.
But Edward had no intention of leaving things alone and he would eventually have his say when the time came. He loved his son but didn’t understand what the hell his boy was doing. How could he be so stupid as to risk losing Hannah? But Maria’s instructions had been very clear, and he would abide by those instructions, at least for the next little while.
Maria had counseled, “Leave Adam alone and let him come to you. When he is ready to talk, he will. Pushing him to talk now through the pain and confusion would be unfair and unwise. Especially since you aren’t any better at this than he is. Just leave him be.”
Rod was chaperoning to make sure that Edward and Adam behaved themselves and maintained some semblance of a tenuous peace. And they had. For now. He watched Adam as he headed down the hallway in the direction of his room, then left to go home. He called his Mom after he got in his car and told her that Adam would stop by in the morning. Then he drove home to Cindy and his girls.
Tonight, had been quiet but Rod knew it wouldn’t last long. Adam and Dad had always been at each other, tooth and nail, and he never completely understood why. Maria’s theory had always been that Edward saw in his son what he had seen in himself as a young man. She was certain that Edward, with his highly rational mind that had served him so well in his work, thought that his son was somehow “fated” genetically or otherwise to make the same mistakes and suffer the same misfortunes as he had as a young man.
Edward worried about his son but often felt helpless and ignorant when dealing with his son’s emotional needs. He just wanted Adam to be happy. He wanted to fix things. He wanted to fix his son.
He couldn’t. He didn’t know how.
Chapter 17
Hannah had gone from absolute fury to simple anger, then back again as she tried to reign in her conflicting emotions in the days following the Anniversary debacle. As was her custom, she had planned everything for that special day meticulously, right down to the smallest detail. She had made all the arrangements, with a tiny bit of help from her girlfriends, so she could assure herself that even the tiniest facet of the tiniest detail was ready and arranged. Unknown to Adam, the Barrows Bay crowd, including Agustin, was coming en masse. Hannah wanted this day to be special, and to share it with the man she loved so deeply. In response, Adam had assured Hannah that nothing would get in the way: he would be there for sure this time; she could totally count on him.
Adam was, of course, a no-show that day, and the humiliation and betrayal she felt rested squarely in the hands of her best friend and soul mate. Hannah herself didn’t use gushy superlatives when referring to her boyfriend of seven years; she was well aware of his shortcomings in the responsibility department. She had begun growing tired, perhaps as early as several years ago, of his frequent absences, disappearances and excuses. Hannah loved him and respected him and felt keenly the pain of separation when they were apart.
But Hannah had also reached the point of utter frustration and knew something would have to change and change soon. If it didn’t, she was certain her head would explode.
Initially she could imagine Adam in all sorts of uncomfortable scenarios in which she queried him about what an utter fool he was, why he didn’t truly understand what he was risking and what amends could he possibly promise to make things right. Of course, he would first have to understand why she was angry and that’s what would make her head explode. He just didn’t get it and probably never would.
Kaboom!
Talking to him, she realized, would be a waste of time. Adam could easily mouth the words she knew held no real meaning to him. And although she sometimes felt that they “communicated” well enough for a young couple, she came to understand that they often ascribed very different meanings to the same words.
God, she realized one day, how could she have let this go on for so long? She finally concluded she had been delusional over a man she now realized she barely knew or understood.
Her reaction had been normal: some tears, then some more, a little drunk talk with her girlfriends, tough talk with her Mom and no talk with Adam. She’d show him! A new boyfriend, made-to-order, was all she needed to get past her uncaring, irresponsible and indifferent mess of a now ex-boyfriend. Then she would move on after teaching him the lesson of his life and find happiness in the arms of a new and improved replacement.
Her Mom said little; her Dad hid in his workshop. Hannah’s girlfriends had no idea which Hannah would show up on their occasional outings: “crying chocolate mess” Hannah or tough “line up the tequilas” Hannah.
God, I’m so fucked, she thought one morning. I still love that asshole. Now what? In typical rational/irrational Hannah fashion she came to her Adam “aha” moment. Words, promises, commitments, reservations, thank you notes, and all other manner of outward signs of being in a loving relationship would get her nowhere with him.
Then she remembered.
As a child, Hannah’s Mom and Dad had been part of a new parenting wave in the late 80’s and early 90’s. Her Mom’s favorite expression when dealing with little headstrong Hannah who didn’t want to do one thing or another was to say, “I love you, but I don’t love your behavior right now.” Some mild form of punishment was then doled out emphasizing who the boss in the household really was.
Mom never withheld love or affection from her Hannah, but toys, playtime, TV and electronics were fair game in reorienting inappropriate behavior. Very often just the thought of “Mom is mad at me” was enough to give little Hannah second thoughts. Hannah, as a little girl, didn’t like upsetting her Mom or her Dad.
While she found herself questioning her “solution”, treating Adam as the emotionally immature and selfish/self-centered child he was, she steeled herself against the litany of favorite old excuses: ‘I’m sorry’, ‘I’ll never do that again’ and, for her, the ever popular ‘you don’t need to tell me twice’. She knew these would inevitably be his first line of standard put offs. She had heard them all before, usually rotating one meaningless excuse after another in succession.
Hannah thought through the “Adam question” and decided two things had to change and it would likely take some time. She wasn’t at all sure this was the way to go or whether it was the right thing to do. But she decided that this effort wasn’t as much designed to save the relationship as it was to find out if anything she believed about him, and ‘them’ as a couple, was true. She had to know who he really was inside.
First, Adam hated conflict, especially emotional conflict. He avoided all conflict, not just with her but with his own family too. Not that there wasn’t conflict, there was, and plenty of it. But it seemed to be localized with his father at the epicenter. How could he ever even begin to understand her emotional needs if he, himself, couldn’t understand his own? She felt on the issue of “know thyself”, Adam simply did not. This would have to change, and it was going to be very, very hard. For him, and if she stayed with him, for her.
Second, she knew that Adam loved her very deeply in his own way, but he failed to understand the essential difference between sending flowers afterward and showing up. In her mind, if nothing else, love had to be practical. If something mattered to her, then, by God, it had better matter to him. There were times when Adam just simply failed to understand what she needed from him. Could he be that dense or was he just that selfish?
If Adam couldn’t be with her in the moment, then she could not be with him at all. She just couldn’t. Adam was a good guy, a really good guy she thought, but he could never mean more to her than she meant to him and expect to be happy. She had waited for him to come around. She would wait no longer.
Adam, if he truly loved her, would have to earn his way back into her life. This time the threshold would be high. The only thing that mattered to
Hannah at this point wasn’t what Adam said but what he did. No more meaningless gestures of affection followed by fake remorse after the fact. That seemed to only mask the real lack of deep emotional commitment, what love really meant to her.
Adam needed to be there for Hannah, not just promise to be there. He needed to “show up” because he loved her, and he now recognized that her needs really mattered too. She decided that step one was to put some time and space between her and Adam. It would give her more time to think and reflect, and for Adam to get the clear message of just how serious this situation was.
Hannah expected her life to be turbulent for the foreseeable future and made allowances for pain, tears and self-doubt. But if things continued as is, she could only see things getting much worse. Adam’s bad habits would then become her life too. She wanted more for herself, and for Adam, and for their life together as partners.
Better to know the truth now, she thought, than to wait until it was too late.
Chapter 18
Three months had gone by and Adam was back deep at work again. He had called Hannah almost every day, yet every time his calls went straight to voicemail. He emailed but got no reply. He thought about what Hannah was doing, what she might be feeling and wondered why she wouldn’t answer her phone. He wasn’t jealous; Adam didn’t think that way. But he was puzzled, alarmed, hurt, confused and occasionally angry and, he told himself, still very much in love with her.
His days were filled with equal parts of the fear of losing Hannah, coupled with obsessing about his latest projects. The latter included the one involving a collection of old documents in the strange Library he secured in Tucson together with an even stranger man pretending to be someone else. What was that guy up to anyway?
Discovery Page 9
