by Nikki Ash
Contents
Playlist
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty-One
Chapter Thirty-Two
Chapter Thirty-Three
Chapter Thirty-Four
Chapter Thirty-Five
Chapter Thirty-Six
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Epilogue
Other books by Nikki Ash
About the Author
My Kind of Love © 2020 Nikki Ash
All rights reserved
Editing by Emily E. Lawrence Editing
Cover design by: Jersey Girl Designs
Cover photograph by: Sarah Eirew Photography
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is coincidental.
In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher constitute unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at [email protected]. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.
Play on Apple Music
Give Your Heart a Break-Demi Lovato
Careless- NEFFEX
Beautiful Trauma-Pink
Lose-Kane Brown
Your Song- Rita Ora
If You Want Love- NF
Little Moments- Brad Paisley
No Air- Jordin Sparks
Wanted-Hunter Hayes
Let Me Go- 3 Doors Down
You & I- One Direction
Never Stop-SafetySuit
In Case You Didn’t Know-Brett Young
I Do (Cherish You)- 98 Degrees
Baby- Justin Bieber
I’m the One- DJ Khaled
Cold Water- Major Lazer
Eyes On You-Chase Rice
Perfect- Ed Sheeran
Here’s to never Growing Up-Avril Lavigne
Feels Great-Cheat Codes
Middle of a Memory-Cole Swindell
You Should Be Here- Cole Swindell
Nightmare- Halsey
Lonely If You Are- Chase Rice
We Found Love-Rihanna
Be Alright-Dean Louis
Sorry Not Sorry-Demi Lovato
How Do You Sleep? Sam Smith
Like I’m Gonna Lose You- Meghan Trainer
This Love- Camila Cabello
It’s Your Love- Tim McGraw & Faith Hill
Stay- Rihanna
Goodbye- Jagged Edge
My Girl- Dylan Scott
To Michelle, for seeing something in Ryan I didn’t even see myself.
Ryan
“So, that’s it? You’re just going to pack up and leave without saying a word?”
I stuff the last of my toiletries into my duffel bag and pull the strings to close it. After taking a calming breath, I set the bag on the ground and give my wife my full attention. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
Her brown eyes are filled with tears and her eyes are puffy from crying. I hate that my leaving is hurting her, but it’s out of my hands. Being in the military means leaving. She knew this when we married six years ago. When I left on my first deployment fresh out of high school. She knew it the following four times I was deployed after that.
“I guess I don’t want you to say anything.” Laura sighs, her eyes closing in hurt and frustration. “I want you to stay… I want you to want to stay.” She’s standing in the middle of my bedroom in her aqua-colored work scrubs, her hair pulled back in a ponytail. She’s a beautiful, smart, educated woman, and I wish I could feel something more for her than friendship, but I don’t. I wish I could give her what she wants, say what she needs me to say, but I’ve never lied to her, and I’m not about to start now.
When I don’t say anything, she opens her eyes and several tears fall. “I can’t do this anymore,” she whispers. “I love you so much, Ryan, but you’ll never love me back.”
“You know I love you,” I argue, but the conviction in my voice isn’t there because she isn’t referring to that kind of love. The love I felt for her in high school when I asked her to marry me. We were eighteen and about to graduate. Foster care fucked her over and she was on her own, on the streets. She was getting mixed up with the wrong crowd, and I couldn’t let it happen. She was my best friend—still is my best friend—and I refused to let circumstance destroy her. So, I asked her to marry me. Being my wife meant she would be taken care of. She would have a roof over her head, food in her belly, health insurance. She would be able to go to school and be safe.
She said yes, and after signing a prenup—something my dad insisted on—we said our I do’s. Three months later, I shipped out on my first deployment.
“I’ll always be grateful for what you did for me,” she says, taking my hands in hers. “I don’t even want to imagine where I would be if you hadn’t saved me.” She presses a soft kiss to the corner of my mouth, and I will myself to feel something, anything for my wife that amounts to more than friendship. But there’s nothing more.
“It’s because of you I was able to get my degree, be able to provide for myself,” she says, her lips upturning into a sad smile.
“You got more than a degree,” I joke. “You’re a fucking doctor.” I’m so damn proud of this woman. She came from a home similar to the one I was born into—drug addicts and neglect—but unlike me, who had Bentley and Kayla there to adopt me, before I was even old enough to understand how shitty life could be, she had no one—except me.
Laura laughs, a single tear sliding down her cheek. “A nurse practitioner,” she corrects with an eye roll.
“Same shit.” I shrug, wiping the tear from her face. I hate to see her cry. All I want is for her to be happy.
“I thought over time you would love me the way I love you,” she says, steering the conversation back on track. “I thought you would come home from being away and miss me and want me.” She swallows thickly. “But you never did. You’re away more than you’re home.”
“Tell me how to fix it,” I offer. I never set out to be a shitty husband. My intentions were honorable, but I was young and didn’t know what I was getting myself into. My dad warned me not to marry her. He said he would allow me to use some of the money from my trust fund to set her up. But throwing money at her felt ungenuine. Marrying her meant giving her a family, only in the end, I guess I never really gave her that either.
“That’s just it,” she says. “You can’t
fix it. You didn’t do anything wrong. You can’t make yourself feel a certain way. And I’m starting to think the reason why you keep volunteering to go on these tours is to stay away from me.”
I open my mouth to argue, but she shakes her head. “Ryan, five tours in six years isn’t normal. I looked it up. You’re choosing to go. Most husbands don’t want to go, but you can’t wait to.”
She’s right, but it’s not because of her. It’s all I know. It’s what makes sense to me. Growing up—once I was adopted by my parents—I was raised in a loving household. My parents are married and in love, and are damn good parents. My older sisters, Faith and Chloe, never treated me like the annoying little brother. I went to the best schools and was given everything I could ever want.
But I never felt like I truly fit in. Something deep inside me craved something more. I can’t explain it. It was like my body and mind were at war with each other, both on the losing side. I wondered if maybe it was genetic, like my bio parents were broken, so I was too. So, I did the only thing I could think of—I ran—used the military as a way to escape and not have to deal with reality. While serving, I took classes and received my engineering degree. I worked my way up the ranks, proved myself, and eventually became a sergeant in the Special Forces. When I’m at work, I feel like everything just clicks, like I have a purpose.
“When I get back, we can talk,” I tell her, unsure what else to say. I have to be at the base in less than twenty minutes. I have men who depend on and need me.
“When you get back, I won’t be here.” She doesn’t say the words with malice, but as a matter-of-fact. We’re married, but everything we have is technically mine, and the prenup protects me completely. The cars, the house, the money—everything is mine. She never asked to be on anything, and I always just handled it all.
“You can have the house. It’s paid off. I’ll have the deed transferred to you.” It’s only right. She’s lived here since we got married and moved to Carson City. She’s decorated and furnished it the way she likes, and it’s only five minutes from the hospital she works at. “And your car too, of course. You can have that.”
She nods once, her lips forming a flat line. “And what about our marriage? I would like to find someone…” she says slowly. “Someone who wants the same things as me. I want to start a family. And I would never cheat on you.” I know she wouldn’t. Laura is as loyal as they come. She’s the perfect wife, and I fucking suck for not being able to love her like she deserves.
“I’ll have someone draw up the papers for us to sign.” The last thing I want is for her to be stuck with me for another year while I’m gone. She deserves everything life has to offer, and I hate that I can’t be the one to give it all to her.
She nods again and then wraps her arms around my neck, hugging me tight. “One day you’re going to fall in love and you won’t want to run away,” she whispers into my ear. “You’ll want to be with the woman you love. But first, you have to stop running so you can meet her.”
She backs up slightly and grants me a soft smile, then kisses my cheek. “Be safe, Ryan.”
Micaela
“I can’t believe you’re graduating tomorrow.” Lexi, my best friend and pseudo cousin, takes a hit off the joint she brought with her as a graduation gift and passes it to me.
I take a small hit, since I’m not usually one to get high, and nod. “This will be you next year.” I pass the joint to Georgia, my other pseudo cousin and best friend. “Both of you, right?”
“Yep,” Lexi says, speaking for her younger sister like she often does. “Georgia took extra classes and we’ll be walking across the stage together. We’ll both be free from educational hell in twelve months.”
Without taking a hit, Georgia passes the joint to Lexi. “I’d hardly call it hell. We go to a private school that costs more a year than most pay for their house.” She rolls her eyes playfully. “Our lunch is catered and includes items like sushi and Thai, and we have a Starbucks… an actual Starbucks in the quad.”
I laugh at that, but don’t argue. She’s not wrong. Lexi and Georgia live in Los Angeles and attend one of the most prestigious private schools on the West Coast. Similar to the one I attend here in Las Vegas… well, did attend. As of tomorrow at ten o’clock I will officially be a high school graduate. And come August I’ll be a freshman at the University of Las Vegas.
“Semantics.” Lexi takes another hit. “I can’t wait to be done with high school. It’s such a waste. I don’t need a diploma to do what I want to do.”
“You need one to go to college,” Georgia points out.
Lexi rolls her eyes. “Maybe I won’t go.” She shrugs, making Georgia and me laugh. We all know Lexi is all talk. She’s a daddy’s girl through and through, and Tristan Scott has made it clear a college education is important, which means Lexi Scott will be getting one, whether she likes it or not.
“Go where?” a male voice booms, making us shriek in shock. Lexi tosses the joint off the balcony, and I jump to my feet to make sure my parents aren’t down there. When I see the coast is clear, I spin around and fly into Ian’s strong arms.
“I can’t believe you’re here!” I wrap my arms around his neck and he lifts me up, twirling us around. The fresh scent of his cologne has me sighing in contentment. I haven’t seen him in person in over five months, since Christmas. Sure, we video chat and message, but nothing is like being in his arms.
I pepper kisses all over his face while he walks us into my room. He sits on my bed, leaning against the headboard, with me straddling his lap. Lexi and Georgia follow us in, but don’t sit, instead heading straight for the door.
“You guys don’t have to leave on my account,” Ian says, his brown eyes never leaving mine.
“Yes, they do,” I tell him, making them laugh. My time with Ian is limited, and I can see Lexi and Georgia any time I want.
“Yes, we do,” they agree.
“We’ll see you tomorrow at the graduation,” Lexi adds.
The second they’re out of the room and the door is shut, my lips connect with his and butterflies tickle my belly.
“I’ve missed you,” he says once we separate.
“I didn’t think you’d be able to make it.”
“I made it.”
“I can see that.” I kiss him again.
Ian pulls me off his lap and moves us down the bed so we’re lying on our sides and facing each other. “I couldn’t miss your big day.” He moves a wayward strand of hair out of my face and tucks it behind my ear. “I put in for it months ago, but I wanted to surprise you.”
“I’m surprised.”
“Good.” He pulls me toward him and kisses my cheek.
“I can’t believe you’re really here,” I say, shocked and excited that Ian was actually able to make it to my graduation. “How long are you here for?”
“I have to be back Sunday night.”
Ian was one year ahead of me. We met my freshman year in Algebra II. We hit it off immediately and he asked me out. I knew the first time we kissed, Ian was the one, and four years later, we’re still going strong, despite the distance between us. When Ian graduated last year, he signed up to become a Navy SEAL. It’s a grueling program that can run anywhere from a year and a half to two years. Most don’t even make it through, but he’s already made it through boot camp, BUD/S (Basic Underwater Demolition SEALS training), and is in the final stage—SQT (SEAL Qualification Training). If he makes it through SQT, he’ll officially be a Navy SEAL, and shortly after, he’ll leave for his first deployment. Ian has wanted to become a SEAL his entire life. His father and grandfather were both Navy SEALs.
“Are you staying with your parents?” I ask, running my fingers along his shaved head. Every time I’m around him, I find myself having to touch him in some way, knowing when he leaves it’ll be months before I get to touch him again.
“Yeah, Mom asked if you want to come over tonight for dinner since we’ll be here tomorrow night for your graduat
ion party.”
“Of course.” I kiss his cheek then trail more kisses along his jawline and neck. “But right now, I need you inside of me.” I reach for the button of his jeans, but he grabs my hand and stops me.
“Your dad is right downstairs.”
“So, we’ve snuck it plenty of times, and in case you forgot, I’m eighteen years old.” I roll him onto his back, and when I straddle his hips, something hard pushes against my leg. “Are you happy to see me?” I joke, getting off to see what it is.
Ian laughs and sits up. “I am, but that’s not what you felt.” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small red box.
“Is that… what I think it is?” My heart picks up speed at the thought of Ian proposing.
“Maybe.” He smirks playfully. “First, tell me again about our five-year plan.”
I want to snatch the box out of his hand and open it, but instead go along with his little game. “Fine.” I huff, making him laugh. “Our five-year plan ends with us married. The end.”
Ian chuckles. “Nope, tell me all about it.”
“You already know it,” I whine. “Let me see what’s in the box.”
“Once you explain the plan.”
I cross my arms over my chest and pout, but he just smiles. “You graduate from high school and spend the next couple years becoming a Navy SEAL. During that time, I finish my senior year of high school and start college at the University of Las Vegas. Once you become a SEAL and are assigned to one of the locations, we’ll get engaged and I’ll transfer to the college near the base so we can live together. We’re hoping it will be in San Diego so I can apply for the internship with Scripps, so I can study marine biology while I finish up my degree. Once I’ve graduated we’ll get married.”
