***
It was too early to clamp my eyes, the day’s zest had to be savoured on to the edge of the night. I looked up to the sky through the window and a breach in the clouds exposed a star. It was captivating, one star gave hope to a lonesome dark world like mine. I followed it till it disappeared. I replayed the clip of me and Shienna at the beach, it nurtured the growing feelings. I wondered if this day could ever be re-lived. I buried my face into my hands to cast a cover over the echo of emotions that seem to be escaping. Could it be, this battle between past and present has me on the frontline? I found myself being overcame by the crushing waves of emotions. The further I wanted to dive in, the higher reality built a wall of defence. Why mother? Why father? You left me with an opened wound. It hindered the process to heal, to move on and feel a rapture from a dose of love. What if love leads to another seclusion?
***
The sun sent its warmth into the room. I heard chattering downstairs, the voices muttered till silence broke them apart.
“Lojen are you awake” it sounded like a mimic.
“Yes... Grandma?”
The impersonator’s laugh made me realise who it was.
“Shienna, it’s too early,” I grumbled.
“You caught me but why are you still in bed? The sun is up. And it’s almost one.”
“Are you serious? Not again.”
“Can I come in?”
“You're not here for me so... no. You can go to grandma's room.”
“She went out... she didn't say where though. Although she did say I should babysit for her.”
“Babysit? She's still at it. Anyways wait for me downstairs, I need to change.”
I hurried with loud steps. Allowing my heart rate to settle from its excitement. “Wow.” She wore a dress with a flower print design. Her back was facing me as she continued to admire the painting on the wall. I reached out and tapped her. She turned swiftly, our body met together. The hug was firm, and soft like a woollen pillow. Her head rested on my shoulder. It was as if a magic wand had hypnotized my body into another world where perfection existed. Together with a fairy dust, sprinkled in my eyes. Only from shutting my eyes could its refined fullness be captured.
“Okay,” she whispered, I had been enclosed in a glass reverie which shattered. We both smiled, and dumbness caught my tongue. Our gesture left to speak whilst every capable sound was muted. Shienna beheld a sad secret. A secret concealed. I could tell by her façade, and dejected smile. There was a trace of tears at the corner of her eyes.
“Everything okay with you?” I asked.
“Yes why?”
“You seem unhappy, like someone died.”
“Really? I hadn't noticed.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes Lojen. I’m fine. There’s absolutely nothing wrong.”
My attention was caught by the table, a rose was missing. “Was grandma holding a rose?”
She paused for a while and realised I knew where it was going.
“Yes...”
“I knew, I knew.” My hands twitched. I walked back and forth. I was unrest by the amnesia I had developed. “How could I forget?”
“What Lojen? You’re acting out of character.”
“Maleen told you, didn't she?” I snapped.
“Told me what? And please don’t raise your tone at me.”
“Why do you pretend?” I scowled.
“You can’t blame her…She thought you had already told me, and she didn't want to remind you of it today because she saw how happy you were. Your grandma cares about you.”
Emotions rushed through me, I didn't know how to contain them. No doubt, tears were about to raid, I strived to hold my fort but it was as though a tempest had been bestowed on me. My only choice was to forfeit, and allowed the river to flow from my insatiable soul. I wiped every drop till it stopped, my face was against the wall to cover up my pride's imperfections. I could perceive my father's words: “tears should not be held back in an act of pride.”
“I'm so sorry Lojen. It must be hard for you but I’m sure your parents are in good place.”
Her arms were around me, and her tears I felt trail on my back. It helped provide respite from the vaguely strong ache. Regardless, I could no longer mask the signs, and ideas that bellowed within the stillness of the moment. I confessed with a touch on her cheeks that I yearned for a kiss. To taste her lips that pervaded a strawberry scent as we were now at a distance to reward our pre-longings through the connection of our senses. I was lost in an atmosphere, which slowly began to confine surrealism into reality, an invisible force pulled us closer and closer. Till she laid a kiss atop my cheeks. And another nearer to my lips. I quaked and shivered, anticipating the sound of my heartbeat against her chest. The sound stopped as though death was thrust into it but reappeared whilst she pulled away. Our eyes met again.
“Do you want to take a walk to the beach?” Shienna said with a pleasant look.
“But it’s about to rain.”
“How do you know?” she asked cautiously.
“I heard the sound of thunder.”
“You are hearing things, because I certainly did not.”
“Close your eyes,” I whispered.
She obeyed trustfully. I leaned into her, placing a kiss on her bottom lip. A sudden electrifying sensation flashed like lightning. Her hand found its niche on my face and my hands held firmly onto her waist. I shifted her closer.
“Wait, you don’t even know me” she whispered into my ears, allowing her cheeks to touch mine.
“I will get to know you… with time.”
“It’s complicated, hard to understand. A lot has happened. Not easy to explain or leave such a past, but I am trying.”
“Any worse than mine?”
“I am unsure Lojen, from my view—just as bad. Things creep up once in a while and I can’t allow it to hurt you. You have a soft, and caring heart.”
“I’m already hurt and you near is a worthy a sacrifice. When I met you I knew I had encountered hope. Nothing will change between us.”
Shienna gazed into my eyes as her smile lit her dimples alive. “I guess this is not over?”
“Not till death separates us.”
“There is something I need to tell you first Lojen.” She said with repentance.
“Yeah sure, you can tell me.”
A car reeved outside the house. “Thanks for the ride, good to see you again old friend.” Grandma Maleen loud voice pierced into the airy house. She was home. And it seemed her charisma was not buried and left in the graveyard.
“Thanks for informing me grandma.” I said sarcastically, hugging her as she made her way in.
“I love you too child, but don’t mention it. Everyone said hi, even old aunt Hagga. She still hasn’t lost her sense of humour. A crow died on her grave, I know she cursed that innocent bird down. She must have been hungry from all that sleeping. Lord help her soul,” she chortled in great pleasure, whilst Shienna covered her mouth in an effort to hold in the burst of amusement.
“I need to go now Grandma Maleen.”
“Already?” Grandma Maleen asked surprised.
“Yeah, having a visitor.”
“Hmm alright, you have a good day child.”
“Visitor?” I asked, astounded by the strangeness in her deviation to leave. She had something to tell me and I wanted to know.
“Yeah, sorry was meant to tell you earlier but just crossed my mind.”
“I will walk you and you had something you were going to say to me.”
She lifted one half of her lips to comply partially. “Another time.” The change in her mood caused a stir in my mind. But I refused to over-think.
***
Rain began to sprinkle, the clouds gathered in superiority to hide the sun’s glee. A tone of despair left to dwell in the damp air. Shienna’s strangeness grew as we reached further away from my house. She forced me to turn back—without a reason. How could I listen? She
was becoming a part of me and her worries were becoming my own.
“I’m sorry but leave me alone!” she screamed, “go home…please!”
I tried to hold onto her arms but she pushed me away, I persisted and caused her to react viciously. She pushed me again and I found myself at the mercy of a puddle. But that wasn’t going to stop me as I chased after her. The breeze evolved into a gale, rain poured down like falling needles. Our clothes became drenched. She jogged to save herself from being consumed. Yet still I followed. All the while, she was urging me to depart. She stopped suddenly. Walking back sharply towards me, she held my wrist stiffly. She spoke with a change of tone, a fleck of worry in her eyes. Shienna stammered:
“We’re going back to the house.”
“Why?” I asked with a hasher approach.
“Let’s just go, ok?”
“No, no I’m not moving till you explain why you are behaving like this. I have no problem with the rain.”
“Not now Lojen…I’m begging you, just—”
A car pulled over to the side, the rain dripped over its red-blood body. “Is it the same car I see most of the time? It seems so.” The windows rolled down.
“You should go Lojen,” she muttered aggressively whilst tugging my shirt.
“Shien!” a manly voice bellowed, “I have been waiting at your door. You dare keep me waiting?”
His tall figure sprang out of the car. He wore a black suit, scruffy by the neck, and a low cut goatee. His pupils surrounded by irritated blood vessels that swelled. Excessive fragrance could not mask the strange aroma spreading.
“Who are you? Who is this brat, Shien? Talk!” He shouted, pointing a hostile finger in my direction.
“Look at you Narl, you are high…again—just leave. I want nothing to do with you.”
“Shut up, shut up!” Narl stomped his foot on the floor violently and the water under his feet splashed in all directions.
I could not translate the situation into a common language to be understood. “She has a boyfriend?” Instinctively I relocated myself in front of Shienna. Or Shien as she is known by another. They shouted from end to end, I was scared and shivering from the coldness of the rain. This was not going to end with sunshine and rainbows.
I turned to glance at Shienna, and Narl’s laughter was the last thing I heard. A high pitch sound penetrated my ears. The concrete pavement adjusted to meet me. I blinked twice and I was shut into a dark mist. “Noooo” was the last voice I heard drown into stillness. Maybe I spoke too soon about, “till death separates us.” Because now, death might have taken me away, I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. At least I have met her visitor.
***
The darkness cleared and I found myself in a place. A road… A long road. I had lost my sanity in a gamble to return to a life I had lost. No resurrection to be humane again. I couldn’t even find peace in the simple pleasure. Love. Where I was, there was nothing under the sun as captivating as the sun itself. “I’m a creature left with just a soul. On a road, a long road. What awaits for me at the end? Death? I’m already dead, and it is without worth.”
I walked, a slow walk on a wistful and withered landscape. I’m exhausted, thirsty and hungry. I could hear a voice, far away. It called me. But I won’t answer. “Lojen it called me, what an irritating name.” I should continue walking till I reached the edge. I must, I will, I shall. The voice begged me, a sweet contagious voice. I knew the voice, I knew… “But who is it?”
Dark clouds block the sun, and it rained. The rain is bitter, and salty. “Come back home Lojen, please” it called out again, I wish it would stop begging me, though its voice was a syrup on my tongue that cleared the bitter taste. “I have no home. I’m dead, aren’t I? Dead people have no home, dead people have no heart. Everything around me is dead, not a thing with a glimpse of green. Just a lot of mud and dirt.”
I walked and walked. The road bent and twisted—there was nothing at the end, just more road. Boredom inclined me to lose more of my sanity. I passed along the road and picked up some dirt, I held it, and stared at it with some degree of fascination. I stirred it, it was warm. I could see its grains that vibrated. “Yes it is amazing in a world where much is a void.” It took my mind off the voice which kept penetrating into my journey.
Dark clouds came again, the sun blinked and it cried. A drop of its tears fell into my hand. It changed the complexion of the sand. Fascination crept into my eyes again, tiredness was no longer made known. Hunger ate itself and thirst quenched by the drooling. The rain stopped, and I felt something pinch my hand. Roots, stems grew with a bud on top. You could imagine, I questioned my sanity to an even greater extent. After a while a flower blossomed. It was beautiful, such beauty I had never seen. “Or have I?” It had petals like a tulip and was crimson like a rose. The roots grew around my hand and it squeezed it. I heard something beating, a heart… a vein. The world around me was fading into a black space. I saw stars, clouding together into one big light. I heard a heartbeat, I heard a beep. “I’m alive.”
“Lojen, wake up,” a saddened voice called out.
A burst of images whipped across my mind. Faces.
“Grandma?” I try to shout but the murmur I could not even catch.
“You are not dying before me child, get yourself up.”
I felt my lips move, I strained to smile. Even in my ordeal, Grandma Maleen keeps me amused. The only face I so far remembered. I knew her and I wanted to tell her I loved her.
“I want you to know, I miss you dearly. After your parents passed away, I wasn’t sure how you would react but I’m glad how you turned out. I’m more than proud of you.” She said gravelly.
***
I saw the sun rose and fell for the tenth time, the seconds I had lost count of. The minutes I could not breach. My satisfaction dwindled to its least, what am I living for? A part of me craved to be reformed. I couldn't figure it out, despite several huffed and puffed. I resumed in surveillance, searching the ends of the empty room. I couldn’t find the anomaly. What was stolen? Frustration kindled in my fist, a lasting gap in my heart widened.
“Shie...Shien—Shie,” I try to force out.
“Shienna? The name you trying to say?” Grandma Maleen said as she sat on a stool beside my bed.
“Yes, how did you know?”
“Because she's the girl you once knew and she was here by your side till you woke up. Have you forgotten her? The boy has lost his mind.”
I paused momentarily confused, grandma stared like she desired to say more but hesitated.
“Just tell me grandma, who is she?”
“Take it easy my child, you're still recovering.”
“Tell me grandma, I don't feel whole.”
“Rest child, but if you must know then take a walk. Clear your head and find what you're looking for—before it leaves you.”
“Take a walk?”
A memory clenched onto my thought: beach, cliff, tides. Shienna.
***
I headed down a road, to somewhere I had known, I had been. It had to be the right way. I followed my heart's compass till I stumbled on a house, it was large and white, decorated with flowers on its side. Flower... Shienna.
“Shienna!” I cried out loud, banging on her door. The door clicked opened.
“Lojen, Shienna left a while ago. How are you feeling?” Mr Geen said compassionately.
“Where did she go?”
“Didn't she tell you? She's going to stay with her aunt. She's probably at the dock by now.”
“The dock?” I urged.
“It’s a long trip by foot.”
“Can you take me Mr Geen, please? I need to see her.”
“Yes of course, but I can't promise you it will end well. My wife is not much of a fan.”
“Please we have to leave now.”
I was in pursuit after a piece of me which could by now, forever be gone. Far away beyond the extension of my voice, of my sight, and of my emotions. I fidge
ted—tapping the floor of the car. Anxiety had my body animated—nerve wrecked. Every passing moment triggered a metal meltdown, I could not utter a word. What should I say? Was I too late?
I saw her, and recognised a glimpse of her as I stood near the fence separating me from the sea. Shienna was seated in the ferry. She saw me and waved, it was her. Her hand wiped a tear and I raised my hand, hopeless. Her mother held onto her, we stared at each other till the ferry was too far to be seen in the mist.
“Sorry Lojen but she has been through a lot, even I cannot speak of. I wish I had been a better father. Shienna’s mother is very protective of her, thinking that idiot Narl—excuse my language— would take care of her. His suit and flashy car are just a mask to deceive—he certainly did a good job according to my wife. I never liked him. Shienna speaks of you a lot though, too much if you ask me. I supposed she agreed to leave to stop her past from hurting you. That's something to be grateful about. She is old enough to decide where her heart belongs.” Mr Geen said, as he watched his daughter leave. He turned back towards his car and placed his hand on my shoulder before he walked away.
***
Mr Geen dropped me off at home, I couldn't knock. There was no appetite to go on. I departed to the spot where we last were at the beach. Memories rushed back and I opened my arms to it. I was at the very edge of the cliff, at the tip of a decision. I gazed into the distance. I was broken—fort buried. Jumping may solve the problem, it might bring her back. If I drowned, at least I would meet her at the funeral. I basked under the red sun still concluding. Birds skittered nearby.
“Lojen—” I heard a scream faintly, the wind blew against my ears, and carried the voice with it. I moved closer to the edge of the cliff. I was ready. A pebble dropped and I watched it till it sunk. I'm next. But afraid, I should wait... A little while.
“Don't…” a voice spoke passionately yet remorseful, the frequency and depth matched the sweet voice I longed for. Shienna held me ransom in her arms. “I was scared. But I can't imagine myself running forever without knowing... What if. Forgive me Lojen.”
Something moved in me. It erased the obscurity, clearer I saw her face. The dimples, black mark and treads of hair that curled to the shoulders.
“I tried to escape this world so that I could find you,” I said as I tried to gather the pieces of this jigsaw puzzle. I gazed into her eyes. “But here you are, next to me. There are a million ways I could die but one way to your heart and that's the path I want to walk on. I want to live whatever nightmare you have been through. I will be the dream that keeps you hoping for tomorrow. Stop running, and let us run together.”
Stay Unbroken Page 2
