She doesn’t understand. “I wanted my first time to be when, where and with a person I chose. Not with the father of the man I loved.” I sniffle loudly, “I wanted it to be with Carter.”
“Carter, or Hellfire as he’s now known, keeps asking about you. He wants to know you’re okay. You can still be with him if you want to.”
“I was a virgin.” I tell her again.
She tries to stifle her laugh, but fails. “Everyone knows that.”
I shudder. When Blackie had dismissed me, I hurriedly got into my clothes, not realising I was bleeding, and had forgotten I was wearing white pants. Yeah, everyone who’d seen me that night would have been well aware. All those bikers. I bet they’re still laughing now.
“Apart from not sleeping, how are you? You look pale, Mo,” she observes.
That would probably be from not eating, and not going out. “I keep being sick, I think I’m coming down with something.”
Her eyes sharpen. “And it’s been, what, three weeks now?”
I nod.
Her lips purse, then she announces she’s got to go, but she’ll be back. True to her word, it’s not long before she returns. With a pregnancy test. Wild-eyed I stare at it, and at her. It sounds crazy, but I never considered that might be the reason I’m feeling unwell. I just put it down to stress. Now she’s put the idea in my head, I’m terrified. Going completely cold, I realise I need to know. Picking it up with shaking hands, I take it into the bathroom. A few minutes later, having done what the instructions told me, I take it back out, setting it down on the dresser.
When it’s time, it’s Jeannie who picks it up. The answer is written on her face. I’m going to have a lasting memory of that night.
Unless I do something about it.
“How much money have you got?” I ask her. “Can you lend me some?”
Her expression shows she’s joined the dots together. “You want an abortion?”
I can’t have the baby of a man who’s raped me. Can’t have that reminder in my life. Though it goes against everything I’ve ever thought. It’s the only option, as long as I can get the money together.
“Blackie should pay,” she tells me. “He caused this. I presume he didn’t use a condom?”
He hadn’t. He hadn’t given me the chance to ask him. I was too busy saying no.
Her mouth narrows. “I’ll help. Let me think how to do this. Don’t worry, okay?”
Don’t worry? Has she lost her mind? What else could I do?
Even now I rub my stomach, the memory of the horror of finding out I was carrying the baby of my rapist returning to me. I was seventeen. Too young to be a single mother, too immature, even had I had a man by my side. Too young to cope. Too young to be able to afford to do anything else. The only certainty was I’d be homeless if my parents found out. They were a dichotomy of alcoholics and religious nuts.
If I’d been sleepless before, it was worse that night. When Jeannie had called and asked me around to her house the following morning, I couldn’t refuse to go, I was out of options. She’d said she would help. All my teenage-self could do was hope she had answers on how I could get the money I needed.
What I hadn’t expected was to find Carter, Hellfire now, waiting for me.
I spin on my heels, not wanting to speak to him. Now, even more, unable to face him.
“Moira. Wait.” He doesn’t give me a chance, following me back down the path, his long legs covering more ground than my own. He catches me, his arms hold me tight, his familiar scent and warmth surrounding me. “I know it all,” he says fast, as though he’s only got moments to speak. “I love you, Moira. What Blackie did? I’ve no words to tell you how I feel. But we’ve both got to work through it, deal with it. And that’s best done together. I love you, Moira. I want you to be mine. Nothing’s changed except for that barrier my fuckin’ father put between us.”
He can’t know everything. He’d run a mile if he did. There’s no easy way to tell him. “I can’t, not now. I’m pregnant, Carter. Pregnant. I want an abortion.”
“I know.” His nose nuzzles my cheek. “I know. And whatever happens, we’re in this together. My fault you came to the club, I didn’t warn you sufficiently, didn’t explain. But I’m a patched member now, babe, the old rules don’t apply. You’re mine, everyone knows and respects that. Ain’t gonna be anyone put a hand on you again.”
I don’t believe him. Don’t want him, or his club. “Your father…”
He interrupts. “He’s dead.”
“Dead?” I repeat incredulously, unable to believe it.
He holds me at arm’s length, one hand smoothing my face. “What he did to you? Couldn’t be left walkin’.”
“You killed him?”
“We all had a hand in it, babe. Not one of my brothers condoned what he’d done. Prospect or not, he’d laid hands on a brother’s woman. Hands which weren’t wanted.”
It was a fucked up situation. There I was, unable to deny I wanted to be with the man who’d said he had already claimed me. A man whose father had raped me, stolen my virginity. A man who’d killed his father because of the actions he’d taken that night. On top of that, I had his brother incubating in my stomach. But somehow he wanted me, and he was going to have me, no obstacle too great to be put in his way. Hellfire proved he had a strength of character, a determination inside him that many other men didn’t have.
Fifteen years later it hadn’t surprised me that when Furnace came off his bike and was pronounced dead at the scene, that it was Hellfire who was voted in as the new president. Just like that morning when he’d solved my problems, he’d stepped up, showing his strength yet again. A force to be reckoned with, no problem too difficult to be solved.
My decision, he’d told me, about the baby. He’d stand by me either way, he’d deal with whatever road we would take. It might have been just a few cells at that moment, but being able to see a path ahead where I could keep it changed everything. I hadn’t had to explain. When Hell had placed his hand on my stomach, I knew the choice, and commitment, had been made without the need for discussion.
We married without fuss a week after I found out I was expecting. Our son, who was to become Demon, born as far as anyone else knew, a month early. I’d moved into the clubhouse the day of our wedding, surprised at my welcome, but then, Hellfire had smoothed the way. Blackie, it seemed, had been wiped out of existence, his name never mentioned, or at least, not in my hearing. The room I’d been raped in, now taken over by Furnace. I’d never stepped foot in it again.
More unexpected, I became friends with the men, quickly they’d ceased to frighten me. They might be rough and tough bikers, but in many ways, were still boys underneath, playing tricks and pranks on each other. Furnace was a good prez, Hellfire, when he’d got his chance to have his turn, even better.
Demon prospected when he turned eighteen with my blessing, like the man he knew as his father, quickly moving up through the ranks, only a few years passing before he became VP. Hellfire and Demon worked well together, were a strength to the club. Their views coinciding on most things, where they differed, each willing to listen to the other. I’d often wondered whether it was because they were brothers, not father and son.
Though that secret, Hellfire and I had agreed, we’d take with us to the grave.
Chapter 8
Paladin
My gaze follows Jayden as she enters the Tucson clubhouse. She looks around, spots me, and starts heading over. I can tell by the serious expression on her face that she’s got something to get off her mind. There’s not much she can hide from me, I’ve spent the last two years and more watching her, learning about her. Falling ever deeper in love with her.
As she draws closer, I kick out a chair. A quick nod of thanks, and then she sits down, immediately leaning forward and putting her elbows on the table, clasping her hands in front of her. It would be hard not to notice her eyes look sunken as though she’s had a sleepless night.
�
��What’s up?” I ask.
She sighs, presses her lips together, then finally, speaks. “Seems I’ve got to grow up now. Can’t be a kid any longer.”
Music to my fucking ears. Yet how will I cope if she acts adult, and I’m still required to be hands off?
“What’s happened, Doll?” Something has. That’s for sure. “You get into it with Slick and Ella last night?” I’d felt like punching Slick myself. Date night, fuck my ass. I could see how angry she was when she’d left me.
“Slick and El were assholes.”
She won’t be getting any argument from me. Her way of putting it brings a fleeting smile to my face, but it soon slides away. “And?”
“They told me about the Herreras. About the renewed threat.” She glances around, drawing my attention to where a pregnant Sam is playing with Eli, Drummer’s toddler son. Sophie, with an even larger rounded stomach, is walking in holding the hand of Olivia who’s tottering by her side. Her eyes catch those of Marcia who’s sitting on the floor with her eight month old twins happily playing on their mats. Then her head turns slightly, taking in Joker and Lady talking with Darcy, Peg’s expectant wife who’s just come off her firefighting shift. Jayden looks back. “About how me being here is a danger to everyone else.”
What? My face tightens. “I’m sure they didn’t word it like that.”
A shrug. “Maybe not. But that’s what it comes down to, doesn’t it?”
She’s right. It is a grown-up way of looking at it. But I don’t want her to feel she’s got everyone’s safety resting on her shoulders. She’s nervous, constantly scanning the room as if expecting the Herreras are going to appear any moment. “Jay, we’re not even sure they’re going to act on their threat, or even if they actually meant it. We’re just being prepared. Doll, there’s nothing for you to worry about. Every man here would give their lives to keep you safe.”
Her lips thin again. “But that’s what I don’t like. Of course I don’t want the Herreras to take me, but I don’t want anyone getting hurt trying to protect me.” She glances at her clasped hands which are trembling, then up at me. “They mentioned Colorado.”
“They mention why?” I ask, my jaw locked.
A quick look toward me. “Well they are worried if we go off together, they don’t think we’ll be able to keep our hands to ourselves.” The way she says it doesn’t sound like it’s a particularly attractive option.
In a way, I can understand. Much as I’d like the chance to move our relationship on to the next step, the thought it could happen so much quicker than expected has got me off balance too. I sigh. “Even if we wanted to, Jay, probably won’t be as easy as that. Hellfire and his old lady have been married forever. Got grown kids, one I think about my age. I don’t reckon we’ll have completely free rein. It wouldn’t be like we’d be moving in together.”
As her head tilts, I see a fleeting expression of relief. “We didn’t get around to discussing details. What is the plan, then?”
Drummer had filled me in after his conversation with the Colorado prez. “I’ll be patching over as a member and will bunk down in the clubhouse. You’ll be staying with Hellfire and his old lady in their house off the compound.”
“I’m not sure I like the sound of that.” She’s shaking her head. “Staying with strangers.”
I nod, she wouldn’t. Living with people we don’t know will be hard for the both of us, particularly at the start. My hand starts to move, I force it to stop. I’d do anything to reach over the table and take hers, but we’re not alone in the clubroom. Word will get back to Drummer and Slick, my innocent action could be misinterpreted. I can’t wait to go somewhere where we can be ourselves. In Colorado, nothing can stop us physically demonstrating our affection for each other, once the next few months have passed, and Jayden’s reached her seventeenth birthday.
As she bites her lip, worried, I rush to reassure her, “Promise you this, Jay. You don’t get on with Hellfire’s old lady? I’ll find somewhere else for the both of us.”
“Pal, I…”
“Doll, I’ll do whatever you want to keep you happy. Always have. That’s not going to change.”
“I’m not ready to play happy families, Pal. El will want me to continue school.”
“Jay, you’re still young. I know that. Your education is important. I want you to continue it too. Get your diploma, then decide what you want out of life.”
Once again she looks around at the room filled with old ladies and babies. Heart has just walked in, making a beeline for his wriggling twins, Grunt, the fucking overgrown mutt, bounding along behind. I see her hands twitching as though she’s eager to go and help. She’ll make a great mom one day. Fucking loves kids.
“I’ll miss this.” She seems to have forgotten about her education.
“So will I,” I tell her truthfully. “Hard for me to move as it is for you. The men here? Well, they’re all the family I’ve ever known.”
Her look is older than her years, she pales a little as she offers bravely. “You don’t have to come, Pal. Slick and Ella have offered to start somewhere new.”
“I’m twenty-one, Jay. Young enough to make a fresh start. Only been with the club three years. Slick’s been here forever. Be much harder asking him to move. And where would they go? None of the other chapters have had an influx of old ladies and kids like this one. Ella’s best here with the support of the other women around her.”
There’s a moment of silence, her teeth worry her lip again, then, with visible reluctance, she agrees. “El doesn’t need the stress of a move. Not before the baby’s born.”
There’s something about her today that unsettles me. Part of me expected her to jump at the chance of us starting some place new together. She’s worried. Not just about packing our bags and starting all over again in a new place. “Speak to me, Jay.”
“It’s just…” Her hands flutter, then she starts again. “You and me, Pal. What are you expecting? Here, we’ve not been allowed to be anything but friends. If we go to Colorado, can we just continue the same way? I don’t think I’m ready for anything else.”
I rear back. I had wondered, when it came down to it, she might not want me. But hearing her suggest she’s uncertain about progressing our relationship, I realise I hadn’t been prepared. It affects me like a knife twisting in my gut. Perhaps she’s scared of going as she thinks I’ll be making assumptions? I’m pleased when she stays quiet and gives me a moment to gather my thoughts.
Raising my chin toward her, I finally answer her question. “I’ll be there for you, Jay, however you want me. As a friend? Sure, yeah, I can do that. Got a lot of practice there. Want us to start dating? Absolutely. I’d love that. But you’re getting ahead of yourself if you’re talking about becoming lovers.” I pause, lean forward, and now do take hold of her hands, fuck what anyone might think. “We’ll do this as any other couple. I told you I’d wait for you, and I have. Not even been tempted by anyone else. But…” As she takes a deep breath, I tighten my grip as a sign I don’t want to be interrupted. “You owe me nothing, okay? If I’ve waited in vain, that’s on me, not you. If you want to go out with other boys instead? Hell, it might hurt, but I’ll understand. You need the time and space to make up your mind, I’ll give it to you. Can’t say I won’t be upset if you don’t choose me in the end, but I’ll deal. Okay?”
Her brow furrows. “Don’t you want me?”
That’s what she heard? Rapidly I rerun the conversation in my head. Can’t see where I said words to that effect. “Jay, I could be jailed for the thoughts I have about you, so get that out of your fuckin’ little head, okay?”
I smirk, I can’t help it. Her face has gone bright red. She looks adorable, and I just want to kiss her. Maybe, when we get to Colorado, I can.
Jayden tugged at every protective instinct I had from the moment I met her. When I’d first heard her story, I’d wanted to gather her up into my arms and never let anything hurt her again. I knew my desires toward
her were wrong, she was fourteen, jailbait. While Drummer and Slick had warned me of the dire consequences should I act on my feelings toward her, they needn’t have told me. I knew what I felt toward her was wrong. She needed time to heal, to go to therapy, to deal with what had happened to her. To grow, to mature. I’d been determined to wait for her. I knew even then my feelings toward her would never change. All these long months, years, that I’ve waited, I’ve watched out for her. Been her friend. It’s up to her to indicate whether she wants me to be more.
Maybe in Colorado, we’ll have a chance to find out.
It’s easy to see she’s shocked and overwhelmed with everything being dropped on her like this. I don’t want to crowd her or pressure her. I stand, seeing the pool table is free. “Want to let me beat you?”
My suggestion we shelve this heavy conversation for now is greeted with a quick smile, a recognition I’m giving her space to consider everything I’d just laid on her.
“Beat me? In your dreams,” she scoffs, as she too gets to her feet.
Our conversation ends up being put on the back burner. Not just for now, but for months. As the days and weeks pass with nothing more than oblique threats from the Herreras, nothing more is mentioned. The suggestion of us moving to Colorado seems to have been put aside indefinitely.
Mouse is here and there at the moment, we never seem to know when he’s going to be around. He’s got something going on. As concerned brothers, we wish he’d open up so we can help him. Can’t fault the man, he still does his job for us. Part of that is keeping an ear out for chatter on the Herreras. If they are indeed coming for Jayden, there continues to be no suggestion of it in the info he’s found.
The idea of me taking Jayden away to keep her safe loses the urgency it had. As the days go by, it appears we’d been passed an empty threat. Satisfying myself that the clock is ticking on, if I have to stay in Tucson and wait until she’s eighteen, well, that’s what I’ll do. I’ll wait forever if necessary.
Jayden’s the one girl I want. As soon as I’d been patched in, the sweet butts started cosying up to me, but eventually gave me up as a lost cause. I wasn’t going to betray her. Even the hangarounds that come to our parties hold no interest for me. My fear in the dead of the night is that in the end, she might not want me. But even that thought doesn’t make me break the promise I’d made to her that night so long ago.
Paladin's Hell Page 7
