by Emily N. Kay
“Apart from the jawline and the perfect hair? I’d say the hateful looks I’ve been receiving lately speaks for itself.” His lips curl into a half smile.
I laugh. The mention of Carter makes me think of Maria, and I have to wonder if things are okay between them. I don’t necessarily think that they will ever get back together, but at least I hope they can still talk.
Speaking of Maria and our extremely awkward first lunch. I had to listen to her ranting about how guys are the worst, and how she’s sick of dating boys and that she wants a man. I had to try my hardest not to give myself away on that. If she finds out I’m seeing a man, whom she’s sort of interested in… our frenemy-ship might end before it even begins. Maybe one day I’ll tell her… if we manage to maintain our truce till that day, that is.
“He’s very charming, isn’t he?” I say as I move closer to him near the fridge, where he’s getting some stuff out. “Were you like him in high school? Charming, irresistible…” I teasingly ask as I slowly trace my hands around his waist from the back.
He sucks in a breath. “I’d say… that sounds more like Tyler.” He gently traces his palm on my arm. “And… I don’t appreciate you saying some guy is charming and irresistible.” Nick suddenly twists to face me, his hands still holding my wrists.
I giggle. “Are you jealous of a high school boy, Mr. Chase?”
“Yes. Super,” he says with a grin. “Cause’ you’re fucking beautiful.”
My face burns. “Don’t say that.” I pout. “You sound like a client when you say things like that.”
Nick’s eyebrows shoot up. “Oh, okay. Then should I say… you’re weird, and funny, and ugly…”
A smile spreads across my face. “That’s more like it.”
For the past few weeks, I’ve been spending my free hours at Nick’s place, which means four or five days a week after school. We would order in (mostly pizzas, sometimes sushi, sometimes Thai), and we would just lay there, cuddling on the couch, and watching TV like an old married couple.
He successfully convinced me (or rather forced me) to watch Game of Thrones. Nick’s already caught up to the latest episode, but he’s more than happy to watch the whole thing with me again.
I’m surprised I even find GOT entertaining. I don’t usually go for this kind of shows––too explicit for my taste. But it’s a good thing that Nick got me into it. Because the show is all I’ve been hearing at school. Jacob would rant about it in Biology with Mika, and Leo would turn around and ask them to shut up. Leo can be quite aggressive when it comes to GOT spoilers.
Today, though… something is off with Nick.
I can see it in his face when he meets me in front of the elevator. The dark circles under his eyes are prominent, like he hasn’t been sleeping well.
Nick pulls me into a hug when we’re in the elevator. Without any words. He breathes me in, burying his face in my hair. That’s when I’m sure… something is seriously wrong.
“Hey, are you okay?” I ask, wrapping my arms around him.
He lets me go when the door opens. Grabbing my hand, he says in his throat, “Let’s talk inside.”
As soon as I’m sitting on the couch, I say, “You’re scaring me. What’s going on?”
Nick lowers himself on the coffee table, his eyes leveled with mine. He rubs his face with his hands. And when he looks up at me, his expression gives me the impression that things are never going to be the same…
“My dad is sick, Alice.”
I suck in a breath. And all I want to do is comfort him––to take his pain away.
“How serious is it?” I ask.
His throat moves as he’s struggling to get the words out. “Prostate cancer.” His voice cracks. “It’s an early state, so… I don’t know how serious it can get, but––”
“I’m so sorry, Nick…” I breathe, holding his hand tightly. My heart breaks for him.
He moves his gaze up to meet mine. “Alice… I have to go back.”
I stop breathing.
“I need to be there for him, throughout the treatment and all…”
My throat closes up, and I can’t form a word.
“When the semester ends, I’m leaving New York…” he says, choking out the words. “I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.” Nick closes his eyes, holding my hand to his lips.
I never understand people who say that “their world is falling apart” when they’re sad or disappointed in something. I’ve never experienced that for myself. Until now. Because that’s exactly how I’m feeling. The images of us that I’ve conjured for the past months––of us walking on Brooklyn Bridge, holding hands just like Zoe and Leo did, and how we’d go to the Park together, how we’d walk down the fifth avenue as a couple, talking, laughing, and kissing––they all seem to fade away now.
It’s like everything just… blinks away in a flash.
“So in two weeks, you’re going back… permanently,” I recap what he just told me, still wrapping my head around this.
Nick is going back, and he’s leaving me, and there will be no us after graduation…
Nick slowly nods. “I had no idea things would turn out this way.”
As much as I want to cry and tell him to stay, I have to be mature about this. His father is sick, so of course Nick has to go back to his family.
“It’s okay, Nick,” I finally will myself to speak, forcing out a smile. “I understand.”
“I’m so sorry…”
I shake my head. “Stop saying that like it’s not your fault. Sometimes things just… happen, and we can’t control it.” I offer him a soft smile.
A corner of his lip twists up into a half smile. “Just like how I can’t control who I fall in love with…”
I stare at him, and my throat swells up.
“I love you, Alice Anderson.” Nick leans closer, his forehead touching mine. I close my eyes, and he says it again––loud and clear, “I love you.”
My vision becomes blurry as tears fall down on my face.
“I’m sorry it took me this long to say it. I was afraid for a long time to… completely lay my feelings out there… After what happened with Hannah, I didn’t wanna say the word like it means nothing.” He pauses and take a shaky breath. “But the thought of leaving you makes me realize how much I love you, and I just… I had to tell you that.”
Tears pour out of my eyes, and I start to sob.
Nick gently brushes my tears away with his thumb. He leans down and kisses me––softly. His hands are running down my back. I can feel all the sorrow and pain and longing in this kiss, and my heart aches with every touch.
Without knowing what I’m doing, I start to unbutton my blouse.
Nick stops and glances down at my peeking black laced bra. “Alice,” he utters with a hoarse voice. “No…”
“I want this, Nick,” I tell him. Then I take off my blouse completely and throw it to the floor.
Nick puts out his hand to stop me. “Alice, wait…”
I furrow my brow at him. “You don’t want this?”
He stares at me. “Of course, I do! Every time I look at you––” Nick exhales, gently stroking my cheek. “But I don’t want you to think that you have to rush into this just because I’m leaving.”
“I’m not rushing into anything,” I say, determined.
“All I’m saying is––I want you to think this through. You’re overwhelmed. You don’t think straight.”
“Nick, I might be young but I’m not stupid,” I say, my eyes never leaving him. “I know what I want.”
His lips curl upward. “I know that. But… technically I’m still your teacher…”
“Oh, so what! We’ve crossed that line way over now.” I roll my eyes. “And are you suggesting that you were planning to do it with me on the last day of school when you’re no longer my teacher?”
He is not denying it.
“But now we don’t have that luxury now, do we?” I add.
Nick holds m
y stare, stunned. He knows that I’m right. It wouldn’t make any difference. Whatever our status, it won’t change who we are or how we feel for each other.
“I mean it, Nick. I want my first time to be with you,” I say again, my face flaming hot––for saying that out loud.
Nick’s gaze drops to my exposed cleavage, just like the first time we’ve met. Only this time I want him to look at it as long and as hard as he wants.
A heartbeat later, our lips are clashing. I kiss him back with the same intensity. My bra snaps loose, and I wriggle it off. Nick takes off his red sweater, revealing hard lines on his abs. I trail my fingers on his bare chest, down to his defined stomach, as he takes in my bare breasts.
“Wow,” he breathes, and blood is rushing up to my face.
He smiles, his eyes glinting, and he kisses me again. This time, more gently. I drag my hand through his hair, ruffling it up.
“You’re so beautiful,” he whispers to my ear as he places his kiss behind it. And I don’t care how it makes him sound like a client. He’s not. I would never do this with my client.
Then Nick lifts me up, my legs around his waist and my hands around his neck. We continue kissing until he gently lowers me on his soft bed.
I watch him take off his pants with my heart beating––so loud I can’t hear anything else.
We’re really doing this. I’m losing my virginity.
Nick is now completely naked before me. I let out a shaky breath as I take this all in, my mouth parted. He then walks to grab something from a top drawer of his dresser. A condom.
His face reddens as he turns around and puts it on. Once he’s done, I chuckle playfully as I reach down to pull out my panties and drop it to the floor. Nick’s gaze follows every motion I make with the sparks back in his eyes. Finally, I unbutton my skirt and let it fall.
My chest is heaving. Anxiety finally starts to sink in.
Oh my God. It’s happening.
“Don’t worry,” Nick tells me as he climbs on to the bed, towering over me. “I’ll be gentle.”
I nod, and he brushes strands of my hair out of my face. He kisses me deeply, his hands cupping my breasts, gently running his thumb over my left nipple. I let out a moan. I can feel my nipples getting hard, and I kiss him back just as hard.
His fingers lace through mine, holding it above my head. I swallow as I slowly pull apart my legs. My chest rises and falls with every breath that I take.
“Relax,” Nick whispers, nibbling me softly on my lower lip.
I inhale and exhale, ready for the pain.
Without warning, he enters me. I cry out with pain. But Nick keeps his promise. He moves slowly, burying his face at the crook of my neck, inhaling my scent, his hot breath burning on my skin.
“You okay?” he murmurs with his cheek next to mine, his hands a firm grip on my wrists above my head.
I wince. It hurts. Everything hurts. But it’s definitely a good kind of hurt.
I give him a little nod. “Keep going,” I utter, biting my lip so I won’t cry out.
He rides me harder, finding a rhythm. Nick rumbles in his throat.
He keeps going and going…
“God, Alice…” he moans. “Oh God…”
Chapter 37
“What are you thinking?” Nick asks as he mindlessly brushes my bare arm with the back of his hand, with my head resting on his chest. The comforter is pulled up to my neck.
I crane my neck to look up at him. “I’m thinking…” I say, “about how my decision to become an escort has led me to this moment––being with my high school teacher.” I smile. “Crazy, right?”
Nick chuckles in response. “Have you ever regretted being an escort?” he asks.
“I regret a lot of things,” I reply. “I regret not participating in more school activities, not making more friends, not dating around more. Basically, I regret not living my high school life to the fullest.”
He shifts. “But you don’t regret being an escort?”
“No,” I answer, and I can feel his curious stare on me. “Sometimes I feel ashamed, but at the same time I feel like it’s the bravest thing I’ve done for myself. I was out of my comfort zone, and it was exhilarating… Being an escort, I felt like a different person, like I wasn’t me anymore, and I kind of liked that.” I pause, and I can hear my own heartbeat. Or Nick’s. I don’t know. “But then I met you… and everything changed.”
His chest rumbles beneath my ear when he chuckles. “How so?”
I blush. “I don’t want to be cheesy, but it’s like… you made me feel like none of it mattered anymore. It’s almost like this whole time I was looking for something, craving for some sort of feelings, and then I finally found it… with you.”
There is a pause, as if Nick is holding his breath. Then he says, “You know, I’ve come to this realization that––everything happens for a reason. I mean, after my failed wedding, I questioned everything. But when I really thought about it… I wouldn’t have known about Hannah’s real intention if I hadn’t proposed, called off the wedding, and overheard her that day.”
“You’re saying that––in the end, things will work out the way they’re supposed to,” I tell him.
“Yeah,” he says. “I mean, if you hadn’t become an escort, and if I didn’t take Nancy’s offer for the job, and if Tyler wasn’t being a pain in the ass, we wouldn’t have met. Well, we’d meet at school, sure, but it wouldn’t be like this. I wouldn’t have gotten to know you this way.”
A wave of warmth floods me.
I smile and prop myself up to face him. “And if you didn’t give Zoe bad grades she wouldn’t have asked for my notes, and I would’ve seen your message, and we wouldn’t be here right now.”
He chuckles. “Exactly.”
“Would you say it’s fate?” I ask playfully.
“Come on, we’re in the biggest city in the world, Alice. What are the odds that you’re my escort that night? If it’s not fate, then I don’t know what is.”
“Fate brought us together, but it’s separating us all the same…”
Nick gives me a sad smile. “Fate is an ass.”
“The biggest ass,” I agree. “So I guess the universe wants you to leave me then. And there’s nothing we can do about it.”
We are silent again.
Nick’s expression suddenly shifts. He then sits up straighter and looks at me directly with a hopeful expression. “Alice…”
“Yeah?”
“Come with me.”
I blink. “What…?”
“Come to LA,” he says, his eyes instantly filled with hope. “It just came to me now… We can make this work.”
“What are you saying?”
“After you graduated you can come to LA. Your dad has a house in Santa Monica, right? I live in West Hollywood. So that’s like, less than an hour drive away. You can go to UCLA just like me. I know you’ll love it there. See how it all works out?” he speaks so fast I had a hard time following. All I heard is LA, Santa Monica, West Hollywood, and UCLA…
I stare at him. “Nick… that sounds crazy.”
“Well maybe I’m crazy! I’m in love with you, Alice. How crazy is that?” He looks at me, wild-eyed. “I’m in love with my student, for God’s sake!”
I swallow down a lump in my throat.
Seeing his desperation––it kills me. In my heart I know that I could be with him. And I want to. I want to fight for him. But that would mean I’d have to leave New York, my mom, my home… And I have to throw my plan of going to NYU out the window. Am I ready to do that? I’ve never felt like such a kid than I am at this moment.
“Nick, I’d love to come to LA to be with you,” I say slowly, watching his smile fading, “but I’m only eighteen…”
Disappointment flashes in his eyes, his shoulders slumping a little. “You’re right. Sometimes I forget how young you are.”
I know he doesn’t mean it as an insult, but his words still sting.
Yes,
I’m still a child…
“It’s not as easy as you think. My whole life is here, Nick. In New York. And I don’t think I’m ready to move to another state and start a new life there, even if it’s with you.” I look down, not wanting to see the hurt in his face. “I mean, my mom doesn’t even know about you…”
He nods slowly, his throat moves. “I understand.”
“It doesn’t mean that I don’t love you,” I say, my stomach twisting upon seeing his defeated face.
Nick’s gaze roams over my face. Then he takes me into his arms, his hand gently stroking my hair. “I know. I know you do,” he whispers in my ear.
I swallow a sob back down. “So, what now? Do we break up when you left, or do we keep in touch, like, I don’t know… be friends or something?”
And I have to laugh at how ridiculous that sounds.
He tugs my hair behind my ear. “I can’t hold you back, Alice… If you’re here, and I’m there,” he says, his voice gentle like he’s talking to a crying child, which is kind of accurate. “Besides, an eighteen-year-old guy can’t be friends with a twenty-eight-year-old girl.” A playful smile flickers on his face.
“But they can be lovers?” I snort. “You sound like you’re ready to move on,” I note, dismissing his attempt at being funny in this situation.
His smile dims. “No. I’m ready for you to move on.”
One minute he wants me to leave everything and be with him, another minute he wants me to move on from him? My head hurts.
“But I’m not ready! I can’t see myself with anyone else but you.” And that thought scares me more than I want to admit. Will I ever love anyone as much as I love Nick?
“I know you think I’m the last person for you. You think that you’ll never meet anyone else. But trust me… you will.” He pauses to look at me. “You’re eighteen. You will meet a whole lot of other people.” His throat bobs, a sad smile hovering on his lips. “You might not realize it now, but I’m just––I’m one of the guys for you.”
“You’re my first,” I correct, my lips wobbling.
“But I won’t be your last.”
I consider his words, and he’s right. I’m still young. I will meet someone else. Eventually. But right now, I know that no one will get me like he does. No one will ever make me feel special like he does.
