by Kate L. Mary
“I hate him,” I say again and squeeze my eyes shut tighter, trying to keep the memories of that night away. Since I’ve started spending time with Jared, the nightmares have eased, but deep down I know I’ll never be able to forget what happened.
And all too soon, those nightmares will be my daily reality.
Jared’s arms tighten around me, but the sensation I get from it is one of comfort. Like me, he has to be thinking about my wedding. Only five days now. My chest aches whenever I think about it. How will I ever get through it, and how will I ever be able to let go of Jared?
His lips brush the top of my head, and I squeeze my eyes shut tighter, fighting to hold back the tears.
“I can’t live without you, Willow,” he says. “Leave with me, I’m begging you.
The tears spill over, and suddenly I’m sobbing against his chest as he gently strokes my head, whispering that he’ll take care of me. Begging me to let him. I want to give in. To leave with him right now. But my mother... Father David was telling the truth when he said he’d kill her. I know he was. How can I make this decision, knowing it means my mother will suffer?
Jared moves, shifting until we’re both sitting on the ground facing one another. His hands are still on my shoulders, but his grip is gentle. “Why can’t you just let her go?” It’s dark, but slivers of moonlight have penetrated the branches surrounding us, allowing me to see the desperation in his eyes. The pleading. “After everything she’s let happen to you, why can’t you accept that she doesn’t deserve your protection?”
I’m sobbing, and I can’t speak. He’s right. I’ve taken care of her my whole life, waited for her to love me in return. But she hasn’t. Deep down, there’s a part of me still trying to earn her love, desperately searching for the one thing that will make her care about me.
“I just want her to love me,” I say between sobs.
His eyes grow wide, and his expression softens. “She’s never told you she loves you?”
The tears are still streaming down my cheeks. “No one has ever loved me,” I tell him. “I’ve been alive for almost eighteen years, and no one has ever shown me what it’s like to really be loved.”
I want to say until you, but I bite down on the words. This is something we haven’t said, something I don’t even know if I feel because I have no idea what love actually feels like. Even if I was certain, though, I’m not sure if I’d want to let the words out. It might just make all this too hard. Might crush me once I’m David’s wife and can no longer see Jared.
Of course, there’s also the possibility that hearing the words come out of Jared’s mouth would set me free.
His eyes fill with tears, and it makes my own flow faster. I had no idea it was even possible. This time I don’t sob, this time I let them run down my cheeks silently, not even bothering to try to hold them in. I can’t look away from him, and I can’t stop thinking about my future. And my mother.
“Come with me, Willow, and promise I will do everything in my power to show you what real love is.”
It’s not an admission of feelings, but it’s the closest we can get at this point, having known each other for such a short amount of time, having almost no certainty of what the future holds. It sounds so nice, leaving with him, letting him love me, and for a brief second I find I don’t care what happens to my mother. All I care about is being with Jared for the rest of my life and leaving this place far behind.
Then the guilt returns, squeezing my insides until I can’t breathe. “I have to think about it.”
Jared gives me the crooked smile I love so much, but this time it’s cloaked in sadness. “Take all the time you need. Just remember that I’m likely to kill David if I have to watch you marry him.”
I laugh even though I suspect he’s only half-joking, and wipe my tear-stained face with the back of my hand. “It’s getting late.”
“I guess you’re right.”
Jared sighs and reluctantly gets to his feet, grabbing my hand so he can help me up. He releases it the second we’re standing, and even though I miss the warmth of his touch, I’m grateful for how thoughtful he is. Thankful that in everything he does, in every move he makes, he seems to be considering how it will make me feel. If it will scare me. If it will overwhelm me.
We walk to the edge of the orchards together.
“You go first,” Jared says.
He hesitates, his eyes holding mine, and I give him a small nod, realizing he’s asking for permission. When he wraps me in his arms, it’s brief, but it will help warm me until we’re together again.
“I’ll come to the hospital tomorrow night,” he says when he pulls away. “I know you won’t be able to meet me at the willow tree.”
“Every moment we’re apart is torture,” I tell him before running from the trees, heading back to my house.
Morning comes too soon, and I have a difficult time getting out of bed, but thinking about meeting Jared tonight motivates me to get moving, and a hot shower wakes me up even more.
My day at the hospital is consumed by thoughts of running away with Jared. I want to, I really do, but the agreement I have with Father David stops me every time I get close to making the decision. Still, the day moves on, and the more I think about it, the more determined I become. There’s nothing but pain for me here, and now that I know what it means to have someone really care about me, it’s even worse. Thinking about giving myself to David after all the happy moments Jared and I have spent together is almost unbearable.
I replay the last few years of my life as I work. My empty childhood, my betrothal, running away and being brought back, and then my punishment, which almost killed me. Every indifferent thought or look my mother has given me over the years. The way she turned a blind eye to George’s abuse. All of it comes back to her, and I realize that all these years I’ve been waiting for something that will never happen. My mother will never care about me the way I need her to. Never.
But Jared can. Does. He can give me what I’ve always wanted, can help me heal and make me feel whole again. Why would I throw that away when it’s mine for the taking?
“Sister Willow.” The harsh voice of Dr. Jones breaks through my thoughts, and I lift my head to meet his cool gaze. I was so lost in my thoughts I hadn’t noticed how late it was, but the doctor is already on his way out. “Be sure you get an inventory of the medical supplies. With your marriage coming, I have no doubt that Brother David will want you home earlier, so we need to be on top of things.”
My hands freeze in the middle of gathering the charts. Dr. Jones is right. After I’m married, David will need me home to fix him dinner. I won’t be able to drag out my duties, and I won’t be able to sneak out in the middle of the night because he’ll be next to me. In bed. Every night for the rest of my life. Seeing Jared will be impossible.
“Yes, Dr. Jones,” I murmur, lowering my head when my bottom lip begins to quiver.
The doctor leaves without another word, and for a moment, I can’t move.
This can’t be the sum of my life. Me, constantly under David’s thumb. Serving him. Doing whatever he wants, whenever he wants it.
Just thinking about it makes me understand why Mother Ruth took her own life.
My mind moves to Jared and the private moments we’ve shared. Under the protection of the willow tree, we had our own little world. It was brief but wonderful, and having a glimpse of the way things should be has ruined me for this life. I can’t stay here. I can’t allow David to steal every ounce of happiness I’ve ever experienced. I can’t allow him to touch me when I know there’s a tangible alternative.
“I have to leave,” I say out loud.
The moment the words have left my lips, a weight is lifted off me. This is what I was meant to do. All these years, living this hell of a life, listening to Father David talk about God and telling us we’re here for a purpose, this is the first time I believe. Not in his god or his words, but that there’s a purpose in my life. All the horrible th
ings I’ve been through have brought me to Jared, and even though I’ll always bear the scars they left behind, it has all been worth it if I can spend the rest of my life with him.
Thinking about what this decision will mean for my mother makes my stomach turn inside out, but I now know I can’t face the future without Jared. I’ll just have to learn to live with the guilt. Somehow.
With the decision made, I find that I’m practically dancing as I clean up the hospital, waiting for Jared to show up. It isn’t long, and the second he walks through the double doors, I throw myself in his arms.
He laughs, and when he pulls back, surprise and happiness play across his face. “You must have missed me a lot.”
“I’ve decided I want to leave with you,” I say, smiling until my cheeks ache.
Jared takes a small step back, holding me at arm’s length while his eyes search mine. Then his face breaks out into a huge grin and he pulls me against him again. I can tell it’s on impulse when he pulls back and kisses me, because after less than a second, he breaks away. He lets me go and takes a step back, his eyes wide as they search my face, but I’m still smiling. I can’t stop.
Not only did the kiss not scare me, it also seemed to awaken something in me. A need for this man that I’ve been refusing to embrace completely. It bubbles up inside me now, refusing to be quieted, and I find my feet moving forward as if they have a mind of their own. Jared watches me, my own feelings mirrored in his eyes. I stop with only a couple inches of space between us, close enough that I can almost feel his chest move with each breath he pulls in. We stare at each other, mesmerized, and then, as if controlled by some force I can’t even name, I lift myself up on the tips of my toes and press my lips against his.
Jared follows my lead, moving his mouth with mine. The kiss is slow but deep, at least for me. When his hands slide up my arms, the touch is timid and as light as a feather. His thumbs draw circles on my arms while our lips perform a delicate dance, and the two sensations work together to create a feeling inside me that has no place within these walls, no business existing under Father David’s rule. It’s the most perfect moment anyone has ever experienced, and it’s mine.
I pull away probably too soon for Jared, but I find I can’t go on because I’m out of breath and my head is spinning. His hands are still on my arms when his gray eyes search mine. He doesn’t say a thing, but I know what he’s asking.
“I’m fine,” I tell him. “Better than fine. I’m ready to plan our next move.”
We work side by side, cleaning up the hospital and talking as we go. Jared weaves a future that doesn’t seem real, and yet I know anything is possible if we can just make it out of here. He describes a house, small but cozy, with a back yard where we can lie together under the sun and out in the open with no fear of being caught. The more he talks, the bigger his smile grows, as does my own. I’ve never pictured a future as bright as the one he’s laid out.
“We have so much to look forward to,” he says as we head down the hall.
There has never been a time in my life when I smiled like this, but I can’t stop the happiness from bursting out of me, because he’s right. We have our whole lives in front of us now.
I turn lights off as we head for the reception area. Jared and I got through everything Dr. Jones asked me to do, but I’m not even sure why. It doesn’t matter if I make the doctor happy or not, because soon I will be gone, and he’ll have to deal with all this on his own.
In the lobby, Jared and I stop next to the reception desk. His hand is resting on the counter when I cover it with mine, lacing our fingers together. He stares at our entwined hands for a moment before gently tugging on my arm. It isn’t hard enough to force me to move if I don’t want to, but I step forward anyway and allow him to pull me against his chest. He doesn’t let go of my hand, but wraps the other one around me in a half embrace that makes me feel protected yet in control of the situation. I close my eyes and listen to his heart as it beats against my cheek.
“When do we leave?” I ask.
If only I’d made the decision earlier, we could be leaving now. Tonight. Heading out to start our lives together instead of going home to houses that have become worse than a prison cell.
“Tomorrow night?” Jared’s voice echoes through his chest, and I smile.
“The sooner the better.”
“Good, I’ll get some things together, and we can meet at midnight. I don’t want to take much. Running with a lot of things will just weigh us down, but we should be prepared.”
At this point, I’d do anything he wanted as long as he took me away from here and made good on his promise.
“You should get going,” I say.
He sweeps a strand of hair behind my ear, his fingertips brushing my cheek, and a pleasant shiver runs down my spine. “I know.”
He gives my shoulders a light squeeze before stepping away, and I open my eyes so I can look up at him. Leaving him now that we’ve made the decision to go hurts worse than ever before, but I tell myself it won’t be for long.
“Tomorrow will come before you know it,” he says, almost like he’s reading my mind.
“Good.”
Jared’s gaze moves to my lips. I don’t know if he even realizes he’s doing it, but I do know I want to kiss him probably as much as he wants to kiss me. The step I take toward him is tentative, though, the heat already rising to my cheeks as if what we’re doing is wrong instead of the most perfect thing that’s ever happened to me. This time when I stand on my tiptoes, Jared’s hands go to my hips. His grip is firm, but not forceful, so I close my eyes and give in to the need to be near him. Our lips touch, and the kiss, fueled by the knowledge that we’ll soon be together, is sweeter than any of the ones before.
I’m in the middle of thinking about how I could stay like this forever, in Jared’s arms with our mouths moving together in harmony, when the whoosh of a door opening shatters the moment.
My eyes fly open as I spin toward the sound, and just like that building I saw on Annabel’s television all those years ago, my heart nearly explodes.
David is standing in the doorway, frozen in place. His gaze moves from me to Jared’s hands, resting on my hips, and then back to my face. My fiancé blinks like he isn’t sure what he’s seeing, but less than a second later, his dark eyes seem to ice over. The frosty rage burning there sends a tremor shooting through me, and I find myself grasping at Jared for support. David’s eyes narrow, and I realize that not only am I holding onto Jared like he’s the only thing keeping me standing, but his hands are still on my hips.
When David moves, I stumble away, slipping from Jared’s grasp in a desperate attempt to put space between my fiancé and me. With the way his mouth is scrunched up, he looks like he’s on the verge of growling. The reception desk is behind me, and even though it gives me something to hold onto, I can’t help feeling cornered. Between the desk at my back and David’s intense gaze, there’s nowhere to go.
When Father David steps through the door behind his son, the room starts to spin.
I wobble, and Jared reaches out to steady me. His fingers close around my elbow, and David’s entire body jerks. He charges forward and yanks me out of Jared’s grasp, his fingers digging into my arm and making me cry out as he drags me away.
When David’s hand makes contact with my cheek, I’m caught so off guard that a scream rips its way out of me.
After that, everything happens fast, making it impossible to focus. Jared snarls as I twist in David’s grasp. My cheek stings, and pain throbs in my arm where fingers dig into my flesh. Jared moves, and I yell at him to stop, not wanting him to interfere, not wanting him to get hurt for me. His fist makes contact with David’s face, and the world tilts as my fiancé falls. I stumble when his hands slip away, nearly dropping to the ground as well, but Jared catches me, and his warmth seems to bring everything back into focus, only the reality of what’s happening isn’t welcome.
We were supposed to get away, to
have a future, but that isn’t going to happen now. Against my will, I begin to sob. It’s over. I waited too long, and now it’s over. Father David will never let us go after this.
I’m shaking and clinging to Jared’s shirt, and for once he doesn’t hesitate to pull me against him. His lips brush my ear when he whispers, “I’ll get you out, I swear. No matter what happens next, I will get you out of here.”
A hand wraps around my arm, and I’m ripped away from Jared, and then I find myself once again in David’s grasp. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Father David walking toward Jared, the wrench in his hand seemingly highlighted by the lights shining down from above. I struggle against the tight grip on my arm, shrieking for him to stop, but Father David doesn’t even glance my way. His eyes are too focused on Jared.
He swings the wrench, and I reach out like I can stop the impact, but I’m powerless. The metal makes contact with Jared’s temple, and I watch in horror as blood trickles down the side of his face. His beautiful gray eyes roll back in his head, and then he drops to the floor, motionless, and it feels like the room is going to collapse.
“Jared!” I fight to break free, but David only digs his fingers deeper into my arm. Jared isn’t moving. I have to get to him. Tears come to my eyes, and I fight harder, but I don’t make any progress. “Let me go, let me go! Jared, get up, please!”
I can’t control the tears, and I can’t get away. David yanks me from the room, and I stumble as the world around me blurs. Desperately, I try to look back as I’m dragged away. I need to see Jared. I need to know if he’s dead or alive.
Just before the doors swing shut, I catch a glimpse of his motionless body.
If he’s dead, I may as well be dead, too.
David drags me down the stairs, not saying a word, and every step takes effort. My feet don’t seem to be working, but when I stumble, David is there to jerk me back up. We reach the first floor, but he doesn’t take me outside. Instead, he pulls me deeper into the building.
