by Kevin C Noel
Arianne glowered at her lover as though he had slapped her face and stood up to put on her robe furiously. “So, you’re just going to keep using me? What am I to you, Ricky? A friend you fuck?”
“Quiet down, your parents will hear,” Garrick cautioned. But Arianne was beyond rational reflection in her fury. She had thrown his clothes straight at him.
“If that’s what I am to you, leave now!”
Garrick had put on his trousers then walked up to his raging lover and held her hands. She struggled at first but calmed down eventually. “You mean more to me than anything in the world, Anne. I am deeply in love with you. I start and end my days thinking of you. The mere thought of losing you makes me sick.” She looked up at him with dewy eyes, begging him without a word to swear to everything he said. He kissed her again. For those few golden minutes, he had found himself in an environment contrasting the one he visited periodically during his panic attacks. A different kind of joy. A joy so rare and precious. He knew he would love her forever. The world was their only stumbling block.
Garrick envisaged a world where he was beyond petty bullies, unaffectionate families and trifling concerns. A world where he would have Arianne for the rest of his life. A world of their own.
Deep in thought, Garrick sauntered to work early the next morning. It was clear Arianne was gradually getting fed up with the surreptitiousness of their relationship. They were progressing into something he had refused to consider a possibility barely four months earlier—they had fallen in love with each other. And this made her restless. Restlessness led to undesirable circumstances. She could have easily gotten into a heated exchange with Dennis and let it slip. “I’ve been sleeping with Garrick!” she would say, and Garrick would be murdered. The thought made his stomach swirl.
It was barely dawn when local businessmen opened their shops. He walked into the convenient store, Theodore’s, and headed straight for the door with a dark blue “Employees Only” sticker pasted on it. As he donned his apron in the locker-room, a corpulent man with a bushy moustache walked in and shook his head as he noticed Garrick. His eyes were red and swollen as if he spent the greater part of the previous night playing very heated drinking games. Garrick smiled to himself lightly as he pictured it. That would explain the beer belly, he thought.
“You’re in early. You got a problem with sleep, kid?” asked Mr. Theodore.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead, sir,” Garrick joked.
Mr. Lawrence Theodore was the only resident of Reading who didn’t have a problem with Garrick for simply existing. He had lived in town for two years and Garrick was the first applicant for the post of cleaner—which he saw as another opportunity to stay away from home. Mr. Theodore had grown fond of the reticent young man who cleaned his store diligently and had promoted him to stay behind the counter.
He tapped Garrick on the shoulder. “Go get anything you want for breakfast. It’s on me.”
Garrick smiled nervously. “Thank you, Mr. Theodore.” He helped himself to a bowl of cereal and proceeded to do some inventory when he heard the bell ring as the store’s door was opened. He looked up and saw his frail substitute history teacher looking around curiously.
“Oh? I know you, don’t I?”
Garrick nodded his head shyly. “Yes—yes sir. I’m Garrick Hartmann.”
“Hartmann? Ah yes,” he said as he hit his head as though he’d only just remembered him. “You’re the one who had the epileptic fit in my class the other day.”
“I’m sorry about that, Mr. LeGrey.” The two looked at each other for a few minutes without a word. This gradually made way for a rather awkward and comfortless atmosphere. Garrick noted the man’s sickly features. Octavius was sweating profusely; his left arm constantly vibrated; and he seemed incapable of standing upright. “Would you like to have a seat or something?” Garrick asked. “You don’t look too good.”
“Why thank you. I’m afraid I’ve been feeling a little under the weather of late. If I’m not better by Sunday I’m afraid your substitute may need a substitute,” he joked.
Garrick retrieved a stool from behind the counter and placed it behind him to sit down. Once he was seated and had wiped the sweat from his brow with a handkerchief, he looked up at the perplexed teenager. In him he saw an old friend and a part of himself. He tried very hard to hide the euphoria building up in him and coughed slightly. “You work here every day?”
“No—was there something you wanted to buy, sir?”
“Please, call me Octavius. And yes, actually.” Octavius handed him a small notepad in which he had jotted down a grocery list in his distinctive cursive handwriting. Garrick took a glimpse of it and proceeded to pack the groceries for him. “So, Hartmann,” he continued as Garrick continued picking out items from the list. “I took particular note of you the other day.”
Garrick stopped and looked askance at the frail young man. “You did, sir? —I mean, Octavius?”
Octavius beamed at him. “Yes.” For a while Garrick stood still, and then went back to work. “I noted how hard you try to avoid attention. You conceal your face with the collar of your jacket, and you avoid eye-contact with anyone around you. It’s almost as if you wished you were invisible.”
Garrick smiled lightly as he took a moment to imagine such a thing. “That would be something, sir.”
“I suppose. You strike me as a young man with a secret—and you live each day avoiding the smallest gesture that could give it away.”
Garrick had stopped working again. Was he talking about Arianne? “I… I’m not keeping… I…” Garrick stuttered irrepressibly.
“‘No secret can be kept in the civilized world. Society is a masked ball where everyone hides his real character and reveals it by hiding'."
Fear and suspicion transformed into mirth and excitement. Completely neglecting the point of the conversation, Garrick completed the quote, " 'If a man wishes to conceal anything he carries, those whom he meets know that he conceals somewhat, and usually know what he conceals'- Emerson!"
“Very good! Looks like we have ourselves an erudite.”
“I have a lot of free time,” Garrick joked. “Actually, I took a liking to the works of Emerson and Thoreau last summer.”
“And you can easily pick out excerpts from their works?” Garrick nodded. “You must have an eidetic memory, my young friend.”
Garrick shyly ducked his head. “I don’t know about that, Mr. LeGrey.”
“I said you could call me Octavius.”
“Right.”
Octavius inched forward. “So, why do you try so hard to be invisible?”
Garrick paused for a moment. He wasn’t sure if he felt comfortable discussing such a matter with a new substitute teacher. “I tend to get…hurt when I’m noticed.”
The curious substitute chuckled as he stood up slowly and collected his brown bag of groceries from Garrick. “It’s a bloody shame what a little envy can do to people.”
“Envy?”
Octavius paid and had begun to leave the store when he turned and said: “They obviously see something in you that you don’t see yourself. They might not even be conscious of it, but your dormant greatness intimidates them all. You enjoy the rest of your weekend, Hartmann.”
Garrick waved at his queer teacher confusedly. What on earth had he meant by his dormant greatness? There were many words he would have used to describe himself: scraggy, eccentric, inept, or introverted. But never GREAT! He shrugged as he turned back to his duties as more customers walked into the store. He completely dismissed Octavius’ harebrained theory. “Me? Garrick Hartmann? Great? Hah!” he scoffed. “Bullshit!”
4
Celina leaned on the windowsill from her bedroom as she observed her self-effacing cousin who sat on the front porch lost in thought as usual. She could never fathom what the creep thought of for hours on end almost every evening. His life wasn’t exactly a magnificent thrill ride. His closest friend was probably his two-year-old brother,
after all.
Her life, on the other hand, was closely bordering on perfection. She was the most popular girl at school; she was dating the most popular boy at school; and she was certain of getting into any college of her choice courtesy of her loving uncle Jared’s money. Her uncle Jared was loving indeed. So loving she could get him to do or believe anything she wanted, much to Garrick’s chagrin. She couldn’t care less.
And her father—her absentee father—he dropped her off to live with the Hartmanns when she was only eleven to travel to parts unknown to use his skills as a surgeon to help those in need. He was a regular good guy. Despite her many benefits, she wasn’t especially fond of being the only Hagen in a house full of Hartmanns. Besides, Jared was only her father’s half-brother.
She missed her dear daddy. So much she was willing to tear Garrick away from his. She never could admit to herself why she had hated him so much. From the first day they were introduced, she just couldn’t stand him. She was embarrassed to have such a sickly boy as a cousin, she supposed.
What the hell was he thinking about? Why did he look so peaceful staring at the empty street? He was just so creepy! Her inner busybody insisted on going down to find out what was on his mind.
As she had expected, Garrick did not acknowledge her presence as she stood behind him on the porch. He was exceptionally talented at effacing her from the portrait of his life. This only exacerbated her inquietude.
“What the hell is it that you keep thinking about?”
No answer.
“I’m talking to yah, yah little creep!”
Garrick still feigned muteness.
Celina sat down beside him and pondered on a clever way to get him to talk. She couldn’t dismiss her desperation to get some reaction out of him. It was as if she had a curious childish urge to just bother him.
“Heard about Dennis and Arianne?” His lover’s name caught his attention as he looked askance at her with his pale brown eyes. “She broke up with him.” His eyes widened in disbelief. How could she? He thought. Their cover was at risk!
Once she noted the shocked expression on his face, Celina stood up and began to guffaw out of control. “I knew it!” she screamed animatedly. “I knew it. You have a thing for McMahon!”
Garrick attempted to feign indifference as he stood up. “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
“Dennis was right! He always suspected you had a thing for his girl,” she laughed out.
“So, they haven’t broken up?” He asked irksomely. “You’re just messing with me?”
“No, she really did break up with him. But don’t go thinking there’s an opening for you, Garrick. She’s not in your league and there’s no way Dennis would ever let you be his replacement—even if she went crazy and fell for you.”
Garrick stifled a giggle. “Of course,” he said. “Now if you don’t mind, I’d like to be alone.”
Celina initially folded her arms and glared at him in defiance, but then she realized she was only being silly hanging around her lame cousin and decided to leave him. “Alone,” she said as she opened the front door. “That’s all you’ll ever be, Garrick.”
As she shut the door, Garrick struggled to come to terms with his emotions. It was a curious mixture of excitement and worry. The love of his life was single and finally his, but she wasn’t his as well because Celina was right. Dennis would never let it happen. But he let himself dream for a moment. What if she was finally his and no one could do a thing about it? What if Arianne was destined to be his life partner? What if she was his missing bone? She could be the final piece of his perplexing puzzle—the last and only piece which would bring a semblance of meaning to his seemingly meaningless life. That would be pure and unadulterated luck.
But luck wasn’t something that could ever be associated with Garrick. Yes, he agreed such an attitude toward life was counterproductive, especially considering how he was hoping for a full ride to Dartmouth after high school. He knew what he needed more than ever was a large chunk of good luck for such a thing to happen considering the highly competitive nature of the university. He had to be positive for once. He had to believe that Arianne and Dartmouth could be his. He had to believe that he could leave this life behind. Leave Reading behind.
There was a turtle by the name of Bert
and Bert the turtle was very alert;
when danger threatened him, he never got hurt
he knew just what to do...
He ducked!
And covered!
Ducked!
And covered! He did what we all must learn to do
You and you and you and you!'
Duck, and cover!'
No one was sure why Principal Devin had insisted on showing the entire senior class the “Duck and Cover” video again on that dreary afternoon, but no one was particularly unnerved by the idea. It wasn’t that they enjoyed watching the uninspired cartoon, but the prospect of sitting down pretending to learn was much better than sitting down and listening to a teacher, constantly dreading the prospect of being picked on to answer a question out of the blue.
Garrick, who wasn’t exactly fond of anything (except Arianne), regarded the tape as a laughable attempt to give American children the slightest bit of hope in the event of a nuclear strike. ‘Sure,’ he thought, ‘the reds could drop a nice big bomb a couple miles from our school and all we’d need to do to survive and live to fight another day is duck and cover? Hah!’ He was probably one of three people in the entire class that would’ve preferred a proper lesson.
The film wasn’t the only thing that made him uncomfortable that day. He could feel Arianne’s eyes on him every few minutes. They hadn’t had a chance to talk since she broke up with Dennis two weeks earlier and he could sense she was gearing up to drop a major bomb on him. At this point, Garrick fathomed, all she’d be interested in talking about would be making their relationship public. If he disagreed, what they had would end swiftly. So, what did he care for the most? His safety or being with the girl he loved?
As expected, the less than hesitant Arianne cornered Garrick in the hallway after school. She wasn’t smiling and didn’t look particularly pleased as he’d imagined she would. “It’s been two weeks already. Did you hear?” She asked sternly. Garrick didn’t answer immediately. Instead, he spent a few minutes looking around to make sure no one in Celina’s crew was watching.
“I heard. What happened?”
“Caught him with some junior.”
“Shit.”
“It was in his car. I threw a couple things at him. I wasn’t angry, though. I just had to make it look like I really gave a damn. It was the perfect opportunity to break it off. Walk me home?”
Garrick was stunned for a moment and had begun to stutter. Then, after a few moments of babbling, he pulled himself together and saw no harm in walking a classmate home. They didn’t discuss a future together on the way. Garrick didn’t want to because he was afraid he’d get carried away, while Arianne hadn’t mentioned it because she felt Garrick wouldn’t want to discuss it. This mental battle within the two of them led to an uncomfortable silence between them. She pretended to be keenly interested in a small stain on the side of her shoe and made no attempt to stop and wipe it off. She just observed it and took note of its pale reddish texture. Her escort, on the other hand, plotted out various ways to approach the matter and judged them in terms of possible effectiveness. It was when they’d gotten to the McMahon’s gate that Garrick had finally mustered up the strength to say something.
“What happens now?” He asked. Arianne had opened her mouth to answer when he cut in. “I mean, you’re single now. Shouldn’t we, I don’t know, take advantage of the situation?”
Arianne grinned. “I think we should,” she said.
Garrick chuckled uncomfortably and retrieved a big brown envelope from his bag. “I got this yesterday,” he said as he handed her the acceptance letter. “Looks like I’m going to Dartmouth.” The excitement in hi
s voice was unfamiliar to him, but he liked it. Arianne seemed to note it too and was so overcome by joy she jumped on Garrick and hugged him. He wasn’t cautious of his surroundings this time. For once he allowed himself the semblance of a normal life. A life where the guy gets the girl of his dreams, gets into the college of his dreams, and gets to rejoice about it in public with the girl of his dreams—real world be damned.
“Come away with me!” Arianne’s beaming turned into a state of confusion. Garrick didn’t even know how the words came out of his mouth and was apologetic the moment he formed them. How could he be so selfish? He had gotten carried away like he knew he would. He didn’t even consider her feelings or her own future. Arianne was going to California after graduation and he knew that! How could he just ask her to…?
“Yes!”
He had paused in thought and action for some time. He stared at her grinning face in absolute shock. “What?”
“I’ll come away with you. I love you, Garrick.”
A warm tear had rolled down his cheek. “I love you too.”
Arianne’s mom spoiled the mood by calling her in. She pecked him and made him promise to visit her that night, then she ran into the house as he still stood at the gate watching her. For the first time, Garrick didn’t feel like he was cursed. The night was darkest before the dawn and he’d seen the darkest parts of his life, he was sure of it. Was this his dawn? Was all going to be well from then on? He began to see nothing but possibilities.
“YOU SON OF A BITCH!” The threatening call came from behind him. He recognized Dennis’ voice all too well but still, with a glimmer of false hope the insult was directed elsewhere, he looked over his shoulder and saw him, Lester and the jock whose name still escaped Garrick. They were walking toward him with malevolent intent. “You trying to steal her from me now that you think we’re done, you commie bastard?”
