His dad doesn’t say anything.
“About what, Dad?”
“You know what.”
“You can’t even say it, can you? About me being gay?”
No response.
“Because I’m gay, Dad? Is that your problem? That I didn’t tell you? Why do you think I hid it?”
“Hey—” Blake’s dad grabs his arm.
Blake shoves his dad back, hard.
“Why do you think?” Blake yells. “Because you’d hate me if you knew! Because you’d say disgusting things to me until I’d wish I were dead!”
His dad stays quiet.
“Do you have any idea what it’s like to know your own father hates you?” Blake yells even louder. “You’re supposed to love me! That’s your job! I’m gay and you can’t even say it. You can’t admit who I really am.”
I want to run over and hug Blake and never let him go. I could not be more impressed with him. He’s finally saying all the things he’s wanted to say for so long. He’s overcome his fear.
Now would be a good time for Blake’s dad to tell Blake that he loves him and he’s here for him, no matter what. That he accepts Blake for who he is because Blake is his son. That Blake should come home.
Blake’s dad doesn’t say any of those things.
He just leaves. Just walks right out the door.
“Good thing I have Uncle Rick,” Blake says. Then he sits down on the floor and cries.
I go over to Blake and hug him. He’s shaking.
“I’m here for you,” I say. “Whatever you need.”
It’s such a relief that Uncle Rick is taking care of Blake. He accepts Blake for who he is unconditionally, the way you’re supposed to with family. Uncle Rick respects that Blake’s dad is his brother, but he hates the way Blake has been mistreated.
That’s the tricky thing about being bonded to someone for life. Blake and his dad are bonded like I’m bonded with Erin. We’re irrevocably tied together by history, a history that can never be erased. Even if you want to deny it, even if you want to pretend it never existed, it will always be a part of you. It will always, in some way, define who you are.
42
According to most people, fall starts on the first day of school. I disagree. I think that fall starts when you feel it in the air. Like today, how it’s all crisp and cool outside.
It’s official. Every last part of summer is over.
It’s been hard to stay in my room for more than a few minutes. It’s like I can’t deal with confined spaces anymore. I need wide open areas, where I can run far away if I have to. That’s why I’m doing my homework on the front porch, spread out on the wicker couch with a blanket over my lap.
I think about how Blake stood up to his dad. He was so afraid of his dad for all those years. Then yesterday, everything changed. Blake faced his worst fear. If he hadn’t finally confronted his dad, Blake’s future would probably be a lot different.
Which means that we do have at least some control over our fate. If Blake can finally say all the things he’s been keeping in for so long, after so many years of heartache and pain, then I can definitely deal with this. My fear of facing Erin is nothing compared to what Blake went through. I can change my fate just like Blake did.
If I want things to change, I can’t just sit around wishing they would change. I have to make them change.
I jump up and run inside. When I call Erin, I’m surprised that she actually answers.
“Where are you?” I say.
“Why?”
“Just where are you?”
“The Fountain.”
“Meet me at Green Pond in fifteen minutes.”
“What do—”
I hang up. This can only be done in person.
Green Pond is too far away for me to get there in time on my bike. Of course Dad’s car isn’t here, so I have to take the stick.
Driving over to meet Erin, I get angrier by the minute. I’m so angry I stall like seven times. The last time I restart the car, I practically rip the stick shift out and smash it against the windshield.
When I get there, she’s already waiting for me. I can’t tell anything from her expression.
I slam my door. Hard.
Erin’s by the edge of the pond, holding some pebbles. I saw her trying to skim some on the water when I pulled up. Neither one of us has ever been able to master skimming stones. We keep trying anyway.
“Why are you still being like this?” I go.
“Like what?”
“Like someone I don’t even know anymore.”
Erin drops the pebbles. She brushes her hand on her jeans. “Aren’t you the one who stole my boyfriend?”
“No. I started going out with your ex-boyfriend after he broke up with you. You should really get your facts straight.”
“You shouldn’t have hooked up with Jason at all. What kind of friend are you?”
“You’re so self-centered! The world doesn’t revolve around you! God. You just . . . you don’t realize how you affect people. You never take responsibility for what you do. It’s always about what you want. Well, guess what? The rest of us want things, too. Not everything is about you!”
I can’t believe I just said all that. I wanted to come over here to make up with Erin, not make her even angrier at me.
“I don’t have to listen to this,” Erin goes. “I’m leaving.”
“No!” I grab her arm.
“Ow!”
“Listen!” I say. “I can’t apologize anymore! I’ve already said I’m sorry. There’s nothing else I can do. I can’t change the way things are. And you know what? Even if I could, I wouldn’t want to. I’m sorry that Jason broke up with you. But staying away from him hasn’t solved anything.”
Erin pulls her arm away.
But she doesn’t leave.
She stays.
Erin’s been acting like I’m the only one who did something wrong. How about what she did with Jason’s email? It’s one thing to be mad at your friend. It’s a whole other thing to get the rest of the world hating her, too.
“How could you forward Jason’s email like that?” I ask.
“I know it was bad. I was just . . . beyond angry.”
“It’s not fair how everyone hates me.”
“I took it to the extreme,” Erin says. “I’m sorry.”
I watch her turn one of her rings. She’s nervous, but trying to hide it. Maybe Erin’s not as fearless as I always thought she was.
And that’s when I realize how much I miss her. I just miss her so much.
My throat gets all tight. My eyes fill with tears.
“How much longer are you going to let this come between us?” I say. “We were already growing apart way before this. I know you felt it, too.”
All of a sudden, Erin starts crying.
“That website thing was wrong,” she says. “It shouldn’t have happened.”
“Did you start it?”
“No. But I know who did. I got her to take it down.”
“Who was it?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
A wave of exhaustion hits me. All of my anger has evaporated, leaving me feeling like a wilted flower.
Erin goes, “I don’t like being mad at you.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“I know.”
“Do you?”
“Yeah. I mean, I get it, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.”
“I’m really, really sorry about everything.”
“I heard about what happened yesterday.”
“That was totally Jason’s fault! I told him I didn’t want to talk to him or—”
“I know,” Erin interrupts. “Here’s the thing, though. I don’t know how fair that is.”
“What do you mean?”
“You want to be with him. And he obviously wants to be with you. So it’s not right for me to keep you apart.”
“It’s—”
“Things with
you guys might not work out or whatever, but I don’t want you to blame me for not being together.”
“You don’t hate me anymore?”
Erin smiles a little. It’s the first time I’ve seen her smile since this whole disaster started. “I can’t hate you, Lani. There’s too much history between us.”
This bond that Erin and I have was supposed to mean that we’d always be friends forever. That nothing could ever come between us. Now I’m wondering if our bond is strong enough. Maybe we’ve grown apart so much that the accident doesn’t matter anymore. Maybe the rest of what we have together isn’t enough. I’m not sure if our friendship is strong enough to survive into next year when we’re away at college.
But.
We know each other in a way that no one else can. We share a history that makes us permanently connected. So I have hope for us.
All I can do is hope.
43
Erin and I talked for a long time yesterday. We stayed at the pond until it got dark. Even though it was hard for her, she really made an effort to be friends again.
Yesterday I stopped hiding the way I feel. So today, I am free.
I get on my bike and ride to Jason’s house. I don’t even know if he’s home. I just know that I have to be with him.
The plastic flowers on my bike basket flap in the breeze. I zoom down a hill. The flowers flap harder.
When I knock on Jason’s door, no one answers. Phil barks from inside. I hear him scratching on the door.
“Don’t worry, Phil,” I tell him through the door. “It’s just me.”
Phil stops scratching.
I sit on the front steps, waiting for Jason to come home. A mourning dove hoos. I try to find which tree he’s in.
The sun gets lower. Jason’s still not home.
Then it hits me. I might know where he is.
I ride to the place he took me right before school started. Jason said it’s the best place for walking the train tracks, where he can completely leave the world behind.
I leave my bike next to his Jeep. Then I search the tracks up through the trees. There’s a flash of red shirt. I follow the red shirt. I trip on a branch and come crashing through the tall grass.
“Nice entrance,” Jason says.
“Really? Because I practiced it so many times.”
Jason watches me climb up onto the train tracks.
I don’t know what I was expecting. I guess I wasn’t assuming that everything would be okay. A lot of heavy stuff is still out there. That kiss in the hall. Jason telling me he loves me. Walking away from him. Somehow, despite these things, I was hoping Jason would be relieved that I found my way back to him.
Except he doesn’t look relieved. It’s more like he’s annoyed.
“I’m sorry about what happened,” I say. “I shouldn’t have walked away like that.”
“Then why did you?”
“I was scared. I didn’t want to break my promise to Erin. I talked to her yesterday and . . . we haven’t exactly worked everything out, but at least she realizes that we should be together.”
“She said that?”
“Pretty much, yeah.”
“So . . . what now?”
“Now we can be together.”
Jason looks into the distance where the train tracks disappear among the trees. “Did you ever consider how I felt when you decided we couldn’t see each other anymore?” he said. “Do you have any idea how hard that was for me? Because it really hurt, Lani. I agreed to it because I hated to see you so sad. But you never asked me what I wanted.”
“I know. I’m sorry about that, but I couldn’t see any other way for us to be together.”
“We should have figured it out, both of us. You shut me out. It’s like nothing is ever enough for you. I tell you I love you and you just walk away. How could you do that?”
There’s this panicked feeling in my stomach. Jason was trying to convince me that we should be together despite Erin. Now I have to convince him that I can be in a real relationship.
“I’ve never had a boyfriend before,” I say. “I don’t really know how to handle some things yet. Trust me, I didn’t mean for it to be so one-way between us. I shouldn’t have decided everything by myself. Being with you is all that matters. You have to know that.”
Jason reaches his hand out to me. “Come on,” he says.
We walk down the train tracks, into the distance where they disappear into the trees. Our destination isn’t clear. All I know is that I want to get there together.
The Unknown is scary. I’ll always have some fear about what’s going to happen next. The thing is, the Unknown can also be exciting. Your life could change in an instant anytime. But sometimes, that change is the best thing that will ever happen to you.
Maybe I don’t have to know what my fate is to know that everything will be okay. Maybe the not knowing is how we move forward. Wherever I’m headed, I know it’s exactly where I’m supposed to be.
Acknowledgments
From the instant Lani began telling me her story, I’ve had a very good feeling about this book. Creating a book is always a team effort, so I want to thank the members of my team.
The Sun
None of this would have been possible without my Penguin family. I would like to especially thank Kendra Levin and Regina Hayes, my magnificent editors. Their talent, sensitivity, and insight ensured that this book was shaped into the best version of itself. Warm fuzzies also go out to Jillian Laks, Karen Chaplin, Eileen Kreit, Janet Pascal, Abigail Powers, Susan Casel, Jim Hoover, Jana Singer, Samantha Dell’Olio, Courtney Wood, Kim Pranschke, and Emily Romero.
The World
Books that can help readers improve their lives in both big and small ways make this world a better place. These are the kinds of books I hope to write. My motivation to write for teens was sparked by books that spoke to me in amazing ways. I want to thank the authors who first inspired me to consider helping readers the way they helped me. Eternal thanks to Louise Fitzhugh, Sandra Scoppettone, Judy Blume, Shel Silverstein, and S.E. Hinton. When I felt like I was completely alone, their books were true friends.
The Star
Thanks to my agents, Gillian MacKenzie and Kirsten Wolf, who make magic happen. And ultimate thanks to Pierre, who always believes in me, even when I don’t.
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