by J. K. Holt
Loren could very well have the answers, if they could only rouse him. Maybe, just maybe, Tess could do it. And yet. And yet…well, there it was, the cold fact that refused to budge- Tess was terrified. Sitting next to Loren, trying to grab onto his consciousness, to find him within his own mind and draw him out- it hadn’t seemed so difficult at the moment. But then Tess had gone back to the Gull and closed her eyes, and the nightmares had flooded in. Loren, looking down at her like vermin as she’d struggled against the ties on her wrists; punching her in the ribs with as little emotion as one would hit a bag of flour. Was this the type of person she really wanted to draw back out again?
And what if the lampreys came for them? They wouldn’t underestimate Tess and the group again, if they decided they were worth silencing for good. There was a danger here that could not be ignored.
As much as the situation scared her, Tess also couldn’t avoid the fact that it was possible the answers to both her current existence in this world and what the lampreys were chasing might end up in the same place. The blurring machine hadn’t worked on her- her difference was now quantifiable. What else might she discover through Loren that could help her understand how she’d ended up here in Alitura to begin with?
Tess rubbed her ribs absently, noting the way they felt less tender every day. A yellow bruise was all that was left on her skin from the ordeal. Soon, the physical injuries would be healed. And the invisible ones would continue.
This town was full of people with those types of injuries. The walking emotionally-wounded. Dray and Ashe, and the shell of their father a visible reminder of the loss they’d suffered. Rosie now, too- without Russ, her twin, the lighter side to counter her broodiness and anger. The lampreys were doing more than blurring people- they were erasing the very spirit of the town. Even the living were fading.
The realization brought such profound sadness to Tess that she shuddered, pulling her arms tighter around her legs as she absorbed the magnitude of the pain being inflicted here. No matter what world she found herself in, each seemed to carry the same theme- the unfairness of it all.
“Oh, Maggie,” Tess whispered. “What should I do?”
The ghost of her mother flickered in her memories, and she squeezed her eyes shut. “I miss you.”
Low, so low, but still Tess could make it out-
I’m right here, love.
“That’s a lie.”
Depends on how you look at it.
Tess pulled in a deep breath, considering. “I want to help them.”
Then help.
“It’s not that simple.”
Of course it is. It’s only more complicated if you make it that way. Conquer your fear or it will rule you, babe. Just think one step ahead. Simplify it, make it manageable. That’s how you push the fear away.
Tess frowned. “I’m not sure what to do next. I suppose I need to figure out a way to get Loren to wake up. If that’s even possible. But I don’t know how…. And there’s no one who could help.”
No one?
Well…
Tess sat there for a long while, talking to the ghost of her mother. Thinking things through.
∞ ∞ ∞
Dray wasn’t at the bakery, but Emme was, working the front while Tulla presumably kept watch over Loren in back. At the sight of her friend, Tess smiled. Emme snuck her a free scone after finishing with a customer and they caught up quickly at a small table beside the display cases in the spare few minutes between.
Quirky and sweet, Emme was still a bit of a mystery to Tess. She seemed so engaging, her manner both playful and inviting, that Tess often forgot that she knew very little about her. Where was ‘home’ for Emme? Tess knew that she worked at the bakery and had grown up with the Reed brothers, but beyond that, there was very little. And now was not the time or place to ask, though Tess tucked her questions away for later.
Emme cut to the chase after Tess had finished her snack. “So, was it me you came to see?”
“Not exactly,” Tess admitted sheepishly.
Emme waved off the implied apology. “This last week has been hell for us all. I’m not bothered. Dray, then?”
Tess stammered at the implication. “Well, yes but only because I have some questions for him- about Loren.”
Emme’s grin had widened at Tess’s discomfort but faded at the mention of Loren. She glanced about the shop to ensure they were alone, then leaned closer. “This Loren business is ghastly, Tess. I feel like I’m just keeping death watch at this point. I mean, half the time I want to kick him where he lays, for what he’s done to us all, and you’ve more right than most on that account. But the other half of the time- well, it feels wrong, even given what he’s done to us. Even if he’s an awful human being, he’s just disappeared to the rest of the world. What if… I mean, what if someone’s missing him? And they never know what happened to him? If he dies, I don’t think Tulla and the others have thought through what we do from there. And I hate thinking that someone somewhere might never know what became of him. It’s eating at me.”
Tess hadn’t considered that. “Have you talked to Tulla about it?”
“I’ve mentioned it a couple times, but I don’t think she cares. And Ashe might, if given the chance, but I’ve barely seen him recently. He, Dray, and Fish are either over at the Spilling Inn keeping Rosie company or prowling the town at all times, trying to root out any trouble before it finds us. And every time one of them comes back they’re always disappointed when they find nothing’s changed with Loren. I feel like I’m just perpetually letting someone down.”
Emme smiled then, a brittle thing, and Tess felt for the first time how much this ordeal was wearing on her. She reached out and took Emme’s hand. “I’m sorry.”
A customer entered, and Emme threw back on the façade of perky shopkeeper while she attended to them. Tess studied her- she was oddly convincing at her act and Tess wondered how much experience Emme had with masking her true feelings from the outside world.
Emme returned with a rag in hand to wipe the table clean as Tess rose to leave. Tess said, “Let me know if you need anything, okay? I’m around. And I’d like to help.”
“Of course,” Emme replied. “And, I know I’m not Dray, but I could try to help answer your question as well- the one that brought you here. If it’s urgent.”
Tess paused, and Emme backtracked. “Or not, if it’s private somehow. I just thought-”
“No, Emme. It’s not. It’s just, I’m not sure how to phrase it. Or even what the question is. I know it sounds crazy when I put it that way,” Tess sighed.
Emme’s mischievous smile returned. “Whatever excuse you want to use is fine, Tess. Tell you what, when he darts back in like he usually does at some point during the day, I’ll tell him you came by looking for him. I’m sure he’d head right to the Muddy Gull if I told him that. Sound good?”
Though she hated to wait, now that she’d made up her mind, Tess saw the wisdom to Emme’s suggestion. She had no idea where Dray was, and she didn’t want to go to the Spilling Inn and look for him. Not when Rosie would be there. Heck, they weren’t on the best of terms before Russ got blurred protecting Tess.
She returned to the Gull and found Gowan in a particularly heated dispute with a regular customer named Geoff Gordon. Tess knew Mr. Gordon to be a bit of a nuisance- he often showed up and spent an hour or so engaging in some back and forth with Gowan about his lack of selection of particular items, or lectured Gowan on clearer and more convenient ways to organize the shop. Then, without fail, Mr. Gordon would buy something worth very little, complaining while he did so, or leave having purchased nothing at all, and for the next hour Tess would watch Gowan anxiously for signs of a stroke.
The size of the bulging vein in Gowan’s throat told Tess that they’d been at it for quite a while already, and she quickly stepped in to offer her services in assisting. Gowan stalked off to his rooms above the shop, likely to practice some deep breathing, and with his sparring partn
er gone, Mr. Gordon quickly grew tired of attempting to pull Tess into an argument and left. Tess rolled her eyes at his departure and set herself up behind the till with one of Gowan’s books while she waited for Dray.
He appeared an hour later, slipping in as another customer left, filling the shadows with his aura. It flickered when he was anxious or agitated, but it was steady now, and its presence was soothing. Tess was certain they were alone, but she checked the shop again anyways, and slipped upstairs quickly as well, to ascertain if Gowan was indeed taking a nap. Once reassured, she flipped the sign on the front to “Closed” and locked the door. Dray raised an eyebrow.
“You’ve turned me into a paranoid wreck,” she replied at his gesture. “Anyway, better safe than sorry.”
“Alright. What is it, then?”
“Nice to see you, too,” Tess said, a bit more bitterness in her voice than she’d wanted to allow.
“I- right, sorry. It’s just that Emme mentioned you-”
“I know. It’s fine. Thanks for coming so quickly.” Tess attempted to slow her heartbeat, which had begun to creep upwards, though due to the company or the looming topic she wasn’t certain.
“Is this about Loren?” Dray asked. “Were you able to-” he waved his hands generally around his head.
“No, but it is about that. I tried last night. And I thought a couple times that I might be close to something, but… well, he kept kind of slipping away from me. And I’m not sure what else I can do.”
Dray studied her. “But you think you were close?”
Tess blew out her breath. “I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not.”
He tapped his fingers along the glass of the case, thinking. “Did you try to replicate what you’d done with me?”
“Seriously?” Tess was incredulous. “Dray, they’d just blurred you. I was out of my mind desperate at that moment. I was only trying to save you. I cared so much about saving you. How on earth could I replicate that with Loren?”
Dray’s eyes had dropped as she spoke, and Tess wondered why for a moment before realizing the implications of her feelings for him. She fought a blush that was rising and kept talking, though she knew the information to come was no less embarrassing.
“I don’t know where to go with him. I feel like I was partly able to do that with you out of the intensity of the moment, but also…” Tess struggled to find the words. “I guess it comes down to my feeling connected to you before then. I knew what the substance of you felt like, if that makes any sense. I don’t know Loren. I’m not sure I’d know what his energy really looked or felt like if I ran across it. It’s… well it’s like I have a map but no key to make sense of it. I need the key first.”
Dray stood in quiet contemplation, and Tess could see he was chewing on something. Finally, he frowned. “I think you need to talk with Fish.”
“Fish? Why?”
Dray grimaced. “It’s not for me to tell. But I think it’s possible he might have the key.”
“Oh. Alright.” Tess was confused but trusted Dray’s instinct. “Where and when can I find him?”
“An hour after dawn, tomorrow. You remember where we docked Della, north of the harbor? He’ll be coming back from some early fishing, if the waves aren’t too rough. Either way, you’ll find him there. I’ll let him know you’re coming.” He rapped his knuckles on the glass case in front of him absently. “Was that all?”
“Oh. Yeah, I guess so. Sorry if I kept you.”
His eyes softened. “It’s not like that. But I’d like to go find Fish now, to prepare him. He might take some convincing.”
“Sure, whatever you need to do.” Tess felt antsy, and rose from her seat. “Besides, I should open the shop again. If Gowan comes down and realizes I closed it off for a private meeting I’ll be hearing about it for a week.”
A hint of a smile touched his lips. He walked with her to the door, and stood in the frame as she flipped the sign back to “Open”. As she was closing it behind him, he stuck his foot in the door jam. “It was, by the way.”
“It was what?”
“Nice to see you.” He pulled his foot back. “I’ll check on you again when I get the chance. Keep yourself safe, Tess. Please.”
Tess wasn’t sure how to respond. Apparently, he wasn’t expecting any- he turned and walked away before she could open her mouth.
∞ ∞ ∞
Of the gang, Edric Drowden, known as Fish, had seemed to Tess the most alive. He radiated energy, and his easygoing manner instantly put others at ease. His face, with eyes deep set between two large and Dumbo-like ears, was smattered with freckles, and his gap tooth smile put in mind an impish child. He was wholly loveable. And he’d accepted Tess at the first meeting between them with no reservations, no judgments.
Tess was glad she would get to see him. The last time they were aboard Della, he and Dray were fighting the waves to return to shore, desperate to put space between themselves and the Blackbirder, the lamprey’s ship that they had just stolen Tess from. But now, pulled amongst the reeds and anchored above the high tide mark, Della barely seemed seaworthy, as small as she was- a good reminder that looks could be deceiving. She lay unassuming, flipped hull-side up, as Fish sat on top of her and folded a net across his broad legs. He watched her, smiling, as she drew nearer. A small pile of mud-colored fish lay on the bank, a chain looped through their mouths and out their gills.
“Hullo, there.” Fish offered her his hand and pulled her up to sit beside him along the ridge of wood. Her feet slipped on the slimy hull, but she half caught, half fell into a seated position.
“Caught something, I see,” Tess said, inclining her head towards the fish.
“Aye. They were sluggish this morning. They’ll make a good stew.”
“What kind are they?”
Fish grinned. Finished with his net, he tossed it gently to the sand and set his elbows on his knees, hands dangling in front of him. “Sometimes I forget you’re a grounder, until you ask a question like that. They’re cod.”
“Right. And why are we sitting up here, instead of on the ground?”
“View’s better.”
Tess grunted, doubtful that two feet of elevation change made much of a difference. She took stock of the vista- grey upon grey as the clouds converged with the rolling sea. “What’s the real reason?”
Fish laughed, glancing sideways at her. “Might be I just wanted to see you flounder around trying to get to the top.”
“Ha-ha.” Tess squinted as she looked out past the breakers, trying to spy a shadow on the horizon, a break in the water that might indicate a large ship.
Fish read her thoughts. “It’s not there. It’ll be at the Dimple this time of day, coming back just before nightfall. Like clockwork, every day.” His voice was flat as he spoke, out of character from his normal exuberance.
“How cold do you think the water is, this time of year?” Tess mused.
Fish squinted as he considered. “Twelve to fifteen degrees maybe.”
Tess quickly calculated to Fahrenheit in her head. Below sixty. It had felt like knives slicing across her already bruised body. She shivered in response to the memory. “I never really got to thank you for that night.”
He leaned into her. “No need. Probably the last time I’ll get to play the gallant rescuer, anyways. Besides, I never could say no to Dray. He’ll be the death of me one day.”
“Don’t say that,” Tess responded. It felt too close to the truth to be funny.
“Oh, don’t worry. I plan on being around for a long while.”
“I hope so,” Tess murmured.
Fish slid down from the boat then, his butt landing in the sand as his breath left him with an oomph and he laughed. Tess, more mindful of her ribs, slid as well, letting her feet catch and cushion her landing. Infinitely more comfortable with her butt in the sand instead of balancing on cold and slick wood, she leaned back and plucked a reed from a nearby strand. “So, did Dray tell you why I’m here?”
“Do you not want to talk about this?”
“Not in the least. But Dray seems to think it will help.”
Irritated, Tess flicked the reed back into the sand and turned to face Fish dead on. “Enough with Dray. I know you love him, and he’s your best friend. But loyalty only takes a person so far. What do you want? Everyone in this group seems to be caught in some type of never-ending orbit around the Reeds. It’s not fair to the rest of you if it isn’t what you want, too. And if Dray is as close a friend as you say he is, he’ll have to understand that. I mean, if he can’t, what kind of friend is he, anyways?”
Fish sat through her tirade, smiling when she’d finished. “There, now. Feel better?”
“I’m serious, Fish!”
“I know you are.” Fish patted her knee. “But you’re missing so many pieces here.”
Tess snorted. “What else is new? All I’m ever missing around you all is pieces. I’m beginning to think this whole rotting place is just one unanswerable puzzle.”
“You might be right.” Fish’s voice was far-away, his eyes caught on the horizon. “You might just be.”
Tess didn’t want to push. She was consternated and tired, and dammit, she didn’t want to push. She considered leaving, but thinking of the effort to rise made her ribs clench, so she picked at the grass instead and practiced deep-breathing. She pulled the rough flowers across the sand and traced a slow circle, then another. She considered her anger towards the Reeds and tried to tease apart the reason for the outburst in her mind.
