“Yes.”
“Are the gods and/or demigods' powers all the same? And I'm on record before you say a peep that there's no way that question is ambiguous or can be answered ambiguously.”
“Are you done asking and telling?”
“Yes.”
“No.”
Who's on second? No, who's on first, what's on second.
Deep cleansing breaths. I'm on a beach and the sand is warm between my toes. “So all the gods … no, forget I said that. Do all of the three gods … no, unlisten to that. In the room that's not really there anymore, do the three gods have different powers?”
“Yes. Convergence, fire bolts, and retronicity.”
I got an answer. Saints be praised. “Do all gods have different and distinct powers?”
“No.”
“No because …”
“I couldn't possibly say why their powers are what they are. I don't even exist.”
“No. No because a god's powers are always unique to the individual god?”
“Ah. No. They may have the same powers as other gods. Why didn't you ask that before?”
“I did … didn't want to confuse you.”
“Thank you.”
“So fire bolts I get. The god tosses bolts of fire. But convergence? What's that?”
“You are more perceptive than I would have thought.”
One … two … three … Nope, not gonna work this time either. “Why is that, friend?”
“I would not have gotten that fire bolts were constrictive waves of pressure meant to crush the target.”
“They are?”
“I know. Just surprised you didn't think they were actual bolts of,” it giggled briefly, “you know, fire.” It giggled a little more.
“Silly you. And convergence?”
“Those gods hurl linear power waves that converge back on themselves at the target.”
A straight answer. Wow. Just wow. “And retroni … retrono…”
“Retronicity.”
“Yes, that one. What is it?”
“Bolts of fire thrown at the target.”
He was jerking my chain. And I was on Candid Camera, wasn't I? This emanation was channeling the spirit of Allen Funt, damn it to hell. “But why not call the bolts of fire bolts of fire and convergence the pressure wave thing?”
“I was not…”
I threw up my hands. “… consulted when the names were handed out. I know.”
“Then why did you…”
Maybe if I turned off the membrane, the three point five gods'd kill us both in a flash. I was ready.
TWELVE
Toño knelt beside the chair Sapale was collapsed in. His hand gently patted her arm as she stared to the far floor and her chest heaved intermittently. They'd been like that for several hours, one not able to speak, and one reluctant to burden the other with words. It had been three days since all contact with Jon was lost.
Finally Toño spoke in a whisper. “He'll be fine. He always is. Always will be.”
Sapale gave no outward sign she was aware of Toño's presence, let alone his kind words.
“In fact, I bet those so-called ancient gods are having a pretty bad time of it right about now.”
Sapale sighed deeply and coughed.
“Can I get you anything? Anyone? Please just say the word and I'll do whatever I can.”
Barely audibly, she mumbled a few broken words.
“Pardon me, my dear. What did you say?”
“Can you reach in my head and turn off my emotions?”
Toño, ever the scientist, angled his head and momentarily pondered her query. Then his humanity caught up and took over. “I would if I could. But there's no way around the pain. It's a part of …”
“Please … please don't say it.” Her words had taken on a sudden force and anger. They were a white squall at sea. “I've lived over two billion years. Most of that time has been spent in misery and anguish. I know sadness is a constant. I know joy is fleeting. I don't need platitudes.”
Toño rested back, determined not to speak unless it was needed. He continued to pat her arm.
After a few minutes she scooched up and took a ragged breath. “I know he's lost to me. That's a given. Do you know what hurts the most? I'll bet you'll never guess in two billion years.” Her rage rose as she spoke.
“No, my dear. I do not know …”
“That he never offered me the chance to die by his side. The selfish bastard. Sure I'd have tried in vain to talk him out of going. But in the end I'd have loaded my rifles and marched into hell with my brood-mate. He … he … he didn't even have the decency …” She collapsed into a fit of tears. If she still needed to breathe, she'd have passed out from the ferocity of her lament.
Toño hugged her tightly and they rocked in unison.
THIRTEEN
Hemdilby stopped flailing her tentacles wildly as she saw no more room to target with her fire bolts. In fact, the next several rooms in every direction were torn to shreds and smoldering at that point. Plus, all that emitting had made her hungry. She needed a snack break.
Bazuranititity, whose retronicity required less energy, slowed his attack to a stop once he noticed Hemdilby had ceased and desisted. He wasn't tired, but he was perpetually lazy and undermotivated. His philosophy was that spending time to help another god was to waste that time.
It took the fully enraged Tefnuf almost a full minute to realize she was the only one still systematically dismembering the Lower Chamber. “Why the devils of all ten hells have you two stopped? He's not dead yet.”
They looked at one another, then both looked back to Tefnuf. Bazuranititity spoke. “First off, there's nothing left to destroy. Second, we never saw anything alive to kill. You did. We were merely passersby.”
“And I can't continue without nourishment. Your powers are more economical than mine. You would have no reason to know what it is to be as powerful as I am.” Hemdilby was, as always, smug and condescending.
“I'll expend some economy on you if you don't keep firing. The human's in here somewhere. He's just hidden really well.”
“There's no here left to hide in. We've obliterated so much of the Lower Chamber that the convocation will probably ask us to rebuild it ourselves,” responded Bazuranititity.
Tefnuf turned to face her erstwhile helpers and rested her serpentine arms on her toast-like hips. “A human, a particularly annoying human by the way, intentionally tripped an antimatter trap and was transfolded here.” She pointed a stumpy snake arm at the tiny island of still-intact flooring. “Before I could forward the puke to DDD, he vanished. He has to be here. Keep firing until he's microdust, or I'll nuke both you lazy asses.”
“You haven't been hitting the sacred sauce hard again, have you?” asked a defiant Bazuranititity. “The conclave has directed you moderate your consumption several times in the recent past.”
“Why you …” She tried to impale him with a power beam. It narrowly missed, probably because she was so shaking mad.
“What's going on here?” boomed Vorc. “I heard all the commotion—damnation, I felt it—and come to find you, Tefnuf, trying to fry a colleague. Have you been hitting …”
Hemdilby threw up multiple tentacles. “Don't finish that sentence. We've enough trouble as it is.”
“Keep moving, Vorc the Dork. Nothing to see here,” responded Tefnuf.
“I will not, and you will answer for your attack on these two gods.”
“Oh, so now I'm taking on the two of them, I am?”
“It appears that way to me,” snapped Vorc.
“Well that's on account of you being a prissy ass sphincter,” she replied.
“Explain yourself at once, or I'll order an extrajudiciary summary execution on the spot.”
“Fine by me as long as it's you we're snuffing out,” Tefnuf responded.
“Everybody calm down and listen,” Bazuranititity said, being atypically helpful. “We were helping Tefnuf kill s
ome human she claims tripped a trap.”
“I did not claim he set one off. He did. Then he disappeared into thin air.”
Vorc looked between the three of them. “You say he was human?” he asked Bazuranititity.
“No way, boss. She said her imaginary friend was human.”
“Is that your story, Hemdilby?” Vorc asked of her.
“Yes, I guess. We were walking by and Tefnuf here was smashing up the Lower Chamber but good. When we came to see what was happening she enlisted our help.”
“So neither of you two saw anything?” Vorc verified.
“No,” they called out as a pair.
Vorc growled loudly. “Humans do not up and disappear. It's not in their playbook.”
“Maybe they don't but this one did. A lot can evolve in the forever we've been away, my pea-brained leader,” replied Tefnuf.
“It would help your case significantly if you left off the sarcasm,” he snarled back.
“First off, I don't have a case to help. I was doing my job. Second, sure I could, but it wouldn't be nearly as fun your way.”
“I've just summoned Fallorip. If there's a human hiding in plain sight they'll be able to tell us. If there is not one present, you and me will have a serious problem.”
“We already do—it's you. And if you think your pet Cerberus is going to prove I'm loony, you got another thing coming to you. All his heads have fleas up their noses.”
“I will be the judge of their performance,” Vorc replied coolly.
A scratching could be heard speeding toward the Lower Chamber. Fallorip was coming. He bolted through the open door and skidded to an awkward stop on the slick metal floor. He nearly knocked Tefnuf over in the process.
“Hey, mind your rabid dog, Vorc. He almost killed me,” protested Tefnuf.
“The unfortunate word there being nearly,” replied the boss god. “Fallorip, Tefnuf claims there's a human somewhere near. See if you can find him.”
Comically the three heads leaned as far from each other as possible, like they were trying to peel themselves apart. They sniffed loudly, flinging their heads rapidly and randomly. Slobber rained everywhere, including into one of Tefnuf's eyes. That brought an immediate pig squeal of protestation from her.
Fallorip dashed hither and yon sniffing and licking. In a few minutes he trotted over to Vorc's side. The central head spoke between pants. “We smell that no human was or is present. We find nothing here that we cannot all plainly see.”
“Useless as I predicted. Even if there isn't one now, there sure as blazes was fifteen minutes ago. His stench has to linger in the air. An idiot without a nose could smell traces.” Tefnuf ramped up her anger to try and deflect the railroading she anticipated was coming next.
Vorc rocked on his heels. “Is there any chance there was a human here leaving faint scents and you're not smelling him?” he asked of Fallorip.
“None, master. We smell scared sauce on the breath of Tefnuf. It is not faint, either. Our senses are working well.”
“Hey,” protested Tefnuf, “I was at lunch when the human popped in. Who doesn't have a little drinkypoo with a meal?”
Slightly out of synch, the three other gods and one Cerberus present replied that they didn't.
Tefnuf pointed accusingly at Fallorip. “Well of course you don't. You're a freaking dog.”
Fallorip scratched one paw nervously on the floor. Then he responded, “Well, dog is god spelled backward.”
“Vorc, get it out of here before I do something I won't regret,” howled Tefnuf.
Vorc bent and petted the hound quickly. “Better head home, champ. I'll be along shortly.”
Without hesitating Fallorip zipped out of the ruined room.
“Tefnuf, I'll see you in my office in half an hour. We will discuss the action plan we'll need to adopt to address your aberrant behavior.”
She slapped her side loudly. “Oh, not another of those limp-dick action plans again. They're even more useless than you, Vorc.”
“Be that as it may, you'll be there in thirty minutes. Each god is a valuable member of this proud team, my proud team. As you are a valued member, it is my task to help you become a more effective, happier member of our family. I'm doing this because I love the team and I value your positive contributions. If one needs to improve to participate at the highest level one can, which is all of our goals, that individual appreciates the benefits afforded them by a structured, paced plan.”
Bazuranititity leaned into one of Hemdilby's auditory openings. “What in Hades did he just say?”
She shook her head almost imperceptibly. “No idea. I think he wants to marry her into his family team.”
“Poor girl. I've seen his family. Talk about inbreeding.”
“Amen,” was Hemdilby's final thought on the subject.
FOURTEEN
“Could you check again? It's been an hour since you last did,” I said to my creepy floating blob. Then my choice of words hit me. “Wait, I meant will you go now and check to see what the current status of the gods attacking me is?”
There was an interlude where the manifestation spun lazily in silence. “I could check. As to will I, the question involves prophecy, does it not? Who's to say what will occur?”
“You're kind of rigid in your interpretation of my questions to you. Are you trying to make me crazy or are you just that concrete?”
“Hmm. I believe yes is the answer to one of those questions. Yes it is.”
“I'm dying of suspense here. Which one?”
“The one about me being rigid.”
“That was a statement, a declarative, not a question.”
“Are you certain?”
“As I can be of anything right about now.”
“That is good to hear.”
Drop it, Jon. He's either mental or he's playing you. “Speaking of hearing, how is it you can hear me? You don't have ears. Or a body for that matter.”
“I do not know. I do, which is sufficient for now.”
“I guess it'll have to be. How about a little recon?”
“Ah yes.” He was out and back in a flash. “They've stopped firing. Now Vorc is scolding Tefnuf.”
“Who's Vorc?”
“He's an ancient god.”
“No,” I said sarcastically. “You sure he's not the pizza delivery boy?”
“There is no pizza delivery here.”
“Is he the head god?”
“First among equals. He sits in the center chair of the conclave.”
“What's he scolding that ugly bitch about?”
“She is struggling to justify her attack on you. None of the others believe you are here.”
“That's the first piece of good news I've gotten since I arrived. These bozos aren't omniscient.”
“No, they would not claim to be. They are not that type of god.”
“That type? How many types are there?”
“I wouldn't know.”
Damn cloud got me again. He was jerking my chain. No one could be that annoying without having it deep in their DNA.
“How about this. I need to defeat these pukes so they can't destroy my universe. Will you, can you, could you, would you help me?”
“Will, can could would I help with what?”
“I need to kill these so-called gods off.”
“You said that already. Where do I come into play?”
“I could use help. Will you pitch in to defeat these bad hombres?”
“Ah. Now I take your question. I can't help because I don't exist. I can't do anything contributory.”
“Sure you can. You already have. You've kept me apprised of actions I could not otherwise follow.”
“Hmm. That is true. I certainly would offer any help I can lend.”
“So you're not a fan of these ancient flabby butts? Not the god of floating blobs yourself, are you?”
“I might be.”
Oh crap. I'd been colluding with the enemy. “So you a
re?”
“I told you I do not know my nature. I could be the god of something since I don't know what I am.”
“Ah, okay.” I let out a deep breath. “You got a name?”
“Most likely.”
“Funny name for an ethereal manifestation.”
He was quiet a second. “Ha.”
“Huh?”
“Ha.”
“I know, I heard you the first time. What do you mean by ha?”
“You made a lame but actual joke. I laughed in response.”
“Oh, you mean ha ha ha.”
“If you say so.”
“Look, where do you fit in around here? You got a job, a task, a raison d'être?”
“I don't fit. I do not exist to fit anywhere.”
“I wish you'd stop saying that. You exist. I'm not talking to myself here. You may be a total freakazoid form of life, but you have to be since you’re helping and annoying the crap outta me.”
“Annoying the crap out of someone is a proof of existence?”
“It always has been in my book.”
“How did you get here? Do you recall that much?”
“No. I've been here so long I can't seem to recall.”
“Do the gods ask you to perform any tasks? Court jester, for example?”
“Hmm. I doubt I'd be an adequate comical entertainer.”
“No shit, Sherlock. I was being sarcastic.”
“As to the gods, I think they completely ignore me.”
“Wait, they either do or don't ignore you. Can't be both.”
“I'm never certain if they see me and ignore me or simply aren't aware I'm present.”
“That's weird.”
“No shit, Sherlock.”
I let the biter get away with the replay. No point over-antagonizing him.
“Okay, let’s move into Phase Two. That's the part where you help me fry these turds.”
What's Phase Three?”
“I escape home.”
“Ha.”
“What, you think that's funny?”
“You weren't joking? You actually hallucinate that you'll live through Phase Two to then attempt what has never been done before and succeed at that?”
Return of the Ancient Gods Page 8
