by Alex W Ayala
Admittedly, this is one of the areas where many parents showcase disapproval for the partner of their son or daughter. First impressions usually matter at every place;
In a job interview, first impression is king:
When applying for a bank loan, first impression is important,
When appearing for a scholarship board, first impressions are super important.
I guess the question you are asking is, How do I create a great first impression?
The answer to that question begins at your clothing. The circumstance under which you are visiting his/her parents should determine your clothing. Also, a little bit of advice from your partner will go a long way in helping. You want to know why? Your partner understands her/his parents better than you. If her/his parents are the type that frowns at a certain kind of dressing or hairstyle, she will help you avoid that hairstyle or dressing so that the meeting does not start off on a wrong foot.
After you have sufficiently settled the issue of clothing, you should learn the traditions of your partner's parents. The thing is, traditions differ from family to family and what is obtainable in yours may not be accepted to hers.
Her parents may not like to talk while eating.
His parents may love talking loudly while eating
Her father may be very observant of the kind of glass you use for wine, water, etc
It does not matter what their traditions are, make sure you learn them because it shows that you respect them.
Don't be Cocky
Yeah, I said that.
You see, I have come to realize that for some people, a chance to meet with the parents is the time to show off. They think that by showing off every accolade, they would suddenly acquire all the respect in the world and become loved. Truth is that, while your partner's parents look forward to meeting a confident and successful fellow, they are not looking forward to an evening with a prick.
So, keep your ego in check, will you.
When asked questions about your achievements, answer the question in a modest way and then try to praise your partner more. As always, remember to be kind to them at all times with your words. Offer them thanks for the opportunity to meet and always compliment them for raising a wonderful son/daughter.
Learn to Negotiate
Most marriage counselors have shared some of the bitterest stories that they hear from couples concerning parents. For example, Leila and her husband José may come into the counseling room with bitter words about their families. Leila may accuse José of not wanting to be there with her family for Christmas, while José may still hold on to his assertion that his family has a family tradition that they expect him to uphold.
Do you see the source of the problem here?
It is not Leila's family or José's family tradition that is the source of the problem, rather it is the couple’s inability to negotiate properly. Most families have unique traditions on special occasions which they expect members of the family, married or not, to uphold. Some families organize a kind of neighborhood cookout where the men drink beers and flip beef over fire, while the women organize dishes. Some others decide to travel to a particular country in order to experience new cultures. Sisters may identify a period in the year as the time to get together for their parents, while the boys may set out a time to go hunting, or other activities. The truth is every family has a tradition. However, a perfect lover does not need to always accept to go along with his/her partner's family tradition. Rather, the perfect lover requests for a kind of compromise. By compromise, I mean you can decide to spend Christmas with your partner's parents and then Thanksgiving with your parents. In this way, fairness is guaranteed. I want you to take note of the fact that I used the word, 'request' and not 'demand'. Some partners tend to demand that their own opinions be met without realizing that the other partner feels oppressed. There is absolutely no need to show that you are the bossy one when you can apply a little diplomacy. Think about it!
Chapter 5
Learning the Art of Conflict
Conflicts are realities that we deal with every single day. At home, at the workplace, school, at the ballet class, at the tennis court, there is always going to be someone who would not agree with you. That is the simple reality about life that you have to understand. Some people try to keep conflict away by pleasing everyone they meet but guess what? Conflict comes sooner or later.
You may have already begun to experience conflict in your relationship. Little disagreements range between what to do, where to go and also centered on discussions on some political or economic topics. I want you to first understand that you do not have to share the same ideas with your partner because you come from different backgrounds and a different experience in life. However, the aim of this chapter is to help you adopt the right attitude towards conflicts so that you do not end up breaking off because of it.
Learn to disagree without being disagreeable
Quick fact: Conflicts are usually charged with enough tensions that can explode any minute.
Like I said, conflicts are inevitable during the course of any relationship because there would be points of divergence between your views and your partner's. However, you can be able to avoid escalating the tensions that comes with conflict and you learn the way to. That is what is called disagreeing without being disagreeable.
A perfect lover understands that he/she is disagreeing with the point of her/his partner and not with the individual. There is a big difference and sadly many couples do not know. When you showcase a disagreement for the point being made, you are courteous, and you listen better. I need to hammer on listening for a little while before moving forward.
Generally, people think they listen but they don't. Rather, they let their minds wander off for a period of time and search for the perfect time to butt in with their own opinion. A perfect lover does not do this; rather, there is a patient approach undertaken and it starts from genuinely listening.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how kind are you with your words when you argue with your partner?
If you are always attacking her/his ability to present arguments, I can assure you that you will leave the scene with your relationship in shambles. This is why you should always separate the person from the point she/he is trying to pass across
You don't have to win always!
Quick fact: 80% of people always think they are right even though they are presented with facts to prove otherwise
I don't know about you but that figure seems to be pretty high to me. It tells that at most times, people generally argue from a psychological point of view and do not give a damn about your logical fact. Let us say, for instance, that your girlfriend is a passionate advocate for guns and believes that families should own them. I can assure you that no amount of statistics of gun violence would make her shift her ground because it is psychological in nature.
Get this: I am not saying that people are always irrational when arguing. I am only saying that there is a high chance that your partner would not shift his ground because shifting that ground would mean going against his personal beliefs. It would mean going against what his parent's taught him when he was little.
Now that you know that most arguments are psychological in nature, what do you do?
I believe a perfect lover understands the time to back down from an argument. The perfect lover understands that every fight cannot be won and it is better to stop an argument in order to save a relationship.
So what happens to all the facts?
Truth is, facts may work to an extent but when you wave it too much, your partner may take it as an insult to his/her intelligence.
It's kinda like telling her, "Hey! Are you too dumb to see these facts?"
Trust me, you do not want your partner to think that way.
Understand the value of seeking help
I have noticed a kind of negative trend about most couples and romantic partners. There is this kind of 'us against the world' mentality which mak
es them insulate themselves against every form of help and criticism that comes. While I understand the need to always stand up for your partner, I think the perfect lover opens up her/his relationship sometimes to the scrutinizing eye of experts for help. What I am trying to say at this point is that you should very well ask for help if you are in dire need of it. There is no point trying to hold on to applying a particular cure when you are seeing the same results.
There is an axiom that goes thus, 'no human is an island'. It could as well read, 'no stable relationship is an island'.
Learn to always seek relationship advice from your parents.
Learn to seek for help from marriage counselors if you think you need an honest view from an outsider.
You could also confide in friends that are indeed close to you and family members.
Remember, that no matter the kind of advice they give, you will have to weigh it within yourself and determine to discard the advice or move ahead with it
Chapter 6
Being Open in the Relationship
Openness is one of the most under-rated and least discussed topics when it comes to relationships. For anyone willing to engage in an open experiment, you can check out what are the most discussed topics in romantic relationships and you may not see openness. In the rare occasions when openness is discussed, it focuses on being open after a partner has broken the trust of the relationship by having an outside affair. Does this mean that openness is not important within relationships? And if it is important, what does it mean to you?
I would easily describe openness as an art: a kind of slow art of revealing and a process of allowing your partner to get to know you better. This is not just something that you can run through in a day; it requires a daily effort. Most marriage counselors give a kind of collective view that two partners, who tend to share more, bond on a deeper level than other couples where a partner shares more. The consensus is quite remarkable and provides one key ingredient for anyone to become a perfect lover.
Without further ado, what are you supposed to share with your partner?
Be open with your fears
Now, this is a big one, I must admit because most of us are taught that strong people deal with their fears alone. If you plan on being in a relationship and making it work, you will have to be open about your fears.
What are you scared of when it comes to your partner?
Are you afraid that she may leave when she sees another guy who seems to have more than you?
Are you scared you may not be the perfect woman who will be loved by his parents?
Are you scared of losing your job and her leaving?
Are you scared of not having babies for him after the last abortion that you did?
These are just some questions out of the thousand worries that races through our minds on every given day.
Talk about them!
Then, listen to your partner's thoughts about them and experience a kind of calm response from him/her.
I have to be specific here and address the male readers because most men see opening up as a weakness. You know, sometimes we were taught some wrong things about life that we live our lives based on such deadly mentality. One of such mentality is that real men do not cry and are not expressive of their emotions. The problem with this mentality is that there are many men who have their emotions so bottled up that it is killing them from the inside. Their partners want to know what is going on, but the men keep silent.
You will have to consciously begin to allow your partner into your mental space from this point. Through gradual sharing of your thoughts, you will reach there.
Being Open with your Aspirations
Everyone has aspirations in life regarding many areas. Trent and Maggie are a unique couple I met who had the craziest aspirations ever. Trent wanted to become a golfer like Tiger Woods while his wife wanted to be like Serena Williams and a mother of 6.
That's is kinda weird right?
Well, that is what they want and they are already racing towards achieving it. We are all hardwired to always seek for something that is better. Whether it is in the field of sports, politics, Romance, name it, we always want something better.
The art of Openness requires that you share your dreams and aspirations with your partner. Let them catch a glimpse of the dreams that fuel you and perhaps they will offer the drive that you seek. What you do when you open up your aspirations to your partner is that you are telling them that they matter. It is also like an invitation for them to be a part of the dream and ultimately your success story. I do not know any loving partner who would refuse such an opportunity. Romantic partners who are in the courtship stage of their relationship and about to get married should be more open than everyone else.
Openness in terms of finance is needed- Here, both partners need to state their savings records and also how they spend money. When they reveal these, they will be able to plan efficiently on who would handle what within the marriage. The reckless spender out of the two would be identified and the saver would be known as well.
Openness about family history- Intending couples have got to be totally open about the nature of their families.
What are the basic traditions that their families hold on to so strongly?
What is the nature of the relationship between the parents?
These deep questions require truthful replies because they will set the tone for the marriage and help the couple deal with challenges in the early stages of the marriage.
I want you to note this last statement before this chapter ends:
Don't do it if you will not be truthful.
The art of Openness does not require lies. It is a time when you are naked before your partner: A time when she/he gets to see the real you and show that they understand and care for you. Do not spoil such a unique experience by lying to your partner at all.
Chapter 7
Ending Words
Whoa!
It has been one crazy ride, hasn't it? You may have thought that you are the perfect lover but you now realize that you have your work cut out for you. The truth is that there is no perfect relationship. Forget the wonderful happily-ever-after’s, which are always in Disney films because they hardly exist. However, there are beautiful marriages and sweet relationships. I know you have seen elderlies in their 80s who still love each other dearly and try to kiss each other with their artificial teeth coming off.
Do you know the reason why they reached that age and stayed long with each other?
It was because they tried! The both of them continue to try. In being kind, they keep trying.
In being spontaneous, they keep trying. In being open, they keep trying. In building better relationships with the parents of their spouse, they keep trying. In being romantic, they keep trying.
They keep trying because they realize that the people who reach the top did not reach there once. They kept trying.
Oprah did not become the queen of Showbiz in the year she started; she kept trying, day by day.
Bill Gates and Jeff Bozo did not become the richest men on earth; they kept trying, making the next dollar after dollar and investment after investment.
Beyonce Knowles did not become the Queen of RnB overnight; she kept trying to become better with each song.
Katy Perry and Ed Sheeran did not become two of the most sought-after Popstars in the world; they kept trying.
You will not become a perfect lover because you are human and prone to faults. But, when your partner sees that you keep trying to keep to the principles stated in this book, she/he will continue to commend your efforts.
Make sure that you do not ignore the activities that are stated in this book at any time. When you feel that your relationship is fast losing its spice, pick the book up again and then begin to apply it to your relationship.
I hope you always maintain the spark you felt for your partner when you first knew each other. Also, if you know couples and romantic partners who have
been really struggling, I like you to recommend this book to them. Be sure to share the wonderful stories you have with me via my mail and until then,
Ciao!
