He didn’t reply, though he ran his hand over his hair a few times, lips moving without sound. He looked at her, and if she wasn’t so numb by the conversation, she would have been touched by the vulnerability she saw there.
But she was numb. She had to be. If she wasn’t, the reminder of all the times she’d wanted to forge a relationship with her brother would have consumed her. The hope she’d once had was enmeshed in those memories. She’d desperately wanted to shield herself against her parents, had known that if Lee was behind the shield with her she could be stronger. They would be stronger together. Except Lee chose to wield their parents’ weapons against her, too, even when she’d surrendered.
She wasn’t surrendering any more. It might have seemed as if she was by offering Lee Benjamin, but she knew she wasn’t. She was lifting her shield, protecting herself once more. Because the only way she could truly do that against her brother was by coming to a truce with him. Which meant he needed to make the decision, too.
She could smell the faint smoke of guilt at using Benjamin as a pawn, but maybe he would understand. He might even be grateful that he wouldn’t have to protect her any more.
‘You don’t, um...’ Lee cleared his throat. ‘You don’t have to get Benjamin to work for me.’
She just studied him.
‘I’ll leave you alone. I didn’t realise...’ Now he shook his head. ‘I’ll leave you alone. I promise.’
She almost ran a hand over her stomach before she remembered Lee didn’t know about her pregnancy. She settled for clasping her hands over the bag she’d brought with her.
‘Thank you.’
Neither of them moved. But there was a movement behind Lee. Alexa’s eyes automatically shifted to it, before she realised it was Benjamin. Her body wanted to sag against something, let it hold up her weight as she prepared for another conversation that would leave her raw. It was so different to how her body had responded to Benjamin in the last weeks. With relief, excitement, attraction, desire. She’d felt safer than at any other time in her life.
This interaction with Lee seemed to prove how much safety was an illusion.
Chapter 17
‘Are you okay?’
It was the first thing that came into his mind when he reached her, but he immediately realised it was a stupid question. Of course she wasn’t okay. He could see it in her stance, in her eyes, in the brittle tone of her voice when she lied and told him she was. She looked broken, tired, and he hated the person who’d put that look on her face.
He turned to Lee. ‘Leave.’
Lee looked at Alexa, then back at him. Uncharacteristically withdrawn, he nodded. After one last glance at Alexa, a parting of the lips that made it seem as though he wanted to say something, he turned around and walked away. Benjamin waited until he was out of sight, then turned.
‘Come on, let’s find somewhere to sit down.’
She didn’t fight him on it, and his worry kicked up another notch. But he kept it inside long enough to find a bench. The restaurant was in a vineyard, much like most prestigious restaurants in Cape Town. But instead of looking out onto the vineyard, the restaurant looked out over the stretch of property on the opposite side of it. It was mostly grass and a long deck that went out into a pond. The pond was still, though Benjamin saw the occasional disturbance of water and the rings that resulted from that disturbance. He watched it for a long time, waiting for Alexa to recover from whatever had happened with Lee.
When he thought she might have, he asked, ‘Did that go okay?’
‘He agreed to leave me alone, so I guess so.’
‘That’s what you wanted?’
‘I asked for it.’
But she didn’t say it was what she wanted, and he had a feeling it wasn’t. He wasn’t sure if she knew that though, or if she needed to figure it out. He wasn’t sure about his position in this either: Should he prod? Give her space? Point her in the right direction? None of the options seemed right. He didn’t speak, crippled by the indecision.
‘Did you quit your job?’ she said into the silence.
‘He told you?’
‘Accused me,’ she corrected. ‘Apparently I’ve been using you to get to him.’
‘Sounds diabolical.’
‘You can’t say I didn’t warn you.’ She opened her palms on her lap, looking at them, not him. He should have taken it as sign, prepared himself. Because he didn’t, he was completely taken aback by her next words. ‘I hope you didn’t do this because of me.’
‘No. Of course not.’
‘You didn’t quit because of me?’
‘No.’
‘Then why did you?’
‘I...couldn’t work with him any more. He got you here because he wanted to...’ He broke off at her look. ‘Fine, maybe it had something to do with you. But it wasn’t because of you.’
She threaded her fingers together. ‘You’re going to regret it.’ Her voice was neutral. ‘You’re going to blame me when you regret it.’
‘I won’t.’
‘You will. Unless you can tell me you’re leaving because of more than just me.’
‘I...want to do my own thing.’
‘Liar.’
‘I’m not lying,’ he snapped. Took a breath. ‘I shouldn’t have said that. It was—’ he relaxed his jaw ‘—uncalled for.’
‘It was, especially since it’s the truth.’
‘It’s not fair,’ he replied, barely retaining control over his anger. ‘It was never fair of you to expect me to work with a man I don’t respect any more.’
‘You shouldn’t have let the way he treated me affect your working relationship.’
‘He used me to get to you.’ He stood now. Walked away, trying to keep that control. Came back when it didn’t help him have more of it. ‘Do you know how many people have used me in my life? Too many,’ he answered for her. ‘It was worse that he did it to get to you. It was worse that he was still so terrible to you. How can you ask me to ignore it?’
‘Because of this!’ she exclaimed, shifting to the edge of the bench. ‘You quit your job. The one you love, at the restaurant you built. Don’t you see that? Don’t you see you’re going to lose everything you’ve worked for all because of me?’ She dropped her head. ‘One day you’ll think I used you for this, too. I almost did.’ Her voice was barely above a whisper. ‘I told him that if I got you to work for him again, he had to leave me alone.’
He took the time he needed to work through that.
‘Because you care,’ he said, crouching down so he could see her face. ‘You know what the restaurant means to me.’
‘Maybe. Maybe I did it because it meant getting what I want.’
Her eyes, defiant, met his.
‘You’re saying this to hurt me,’ he said, realising it. ‘You’re pushing me away.’
‘Yes,’ she whispered. ‘You deserve more than me. You deserve someone who can care as much as you do. Selflessly. I... I can’t.’
He froze. Slowly, he rose. He rubbed a hand over his face. ‘Why not?’
‘Can’t you see?’ She was sitting up, spine straight. It looked so out of place against the curved back of the bench. ‘You’re selfless. You protect the people you care about at all costs. Even if you’re lying to them.’
He could hardly deny it when that was exactly what he’d done that day.
‘I’ve been alone most of my life. I’m used to thinking about myself. More importantly—’ she took a deep breath ‘—I can’t trust someone who won’t tell me the truth. And I can’t keep worrying that I’m keeping you from doing what you want to do. But if I don’t, you’ll keep putting yourself last.’
‘It’s not... I’m not...’ He exhaled. ‘Why don’t we talk about you being unable to accept when people try to care for you?’
She bit her lip. ‘Okay. Wh
at about it would you like to discuss?’
It took him a moment to get over his surprise.
‘Why?’
‘Why can’t I accept people caring for me?’ she asked. He nodded. A short moment later, she continued. ‘Because it goes away. In some shape or form, I’ll discover I can’t trust them. It goes away, Ben.’ There was a quick inhale of air. When he moved to her, she held out a hand to stop him. Sniffed. ‘No, I’m okay.’ But two tears streamed down each of her cheeks. She wiped at them quickly. ‘I don’t want to go through that.’
‘It doesn’t just go away.’ He went to sit next to her, as far away as the bench allowed so she had her space. ‘I can’t care one day and stop caring the other.’
‘But you can think you care one day and realise you don’t the other.’
‘Has this happened to you?’
‘No. I wouldn’t let it.’
‘You mean you haven’t let anyone close enough to allow it to happen.’
She inclined her head in acknowledgement.
‘That’s not healthy.’
‘It’s safe.’
‘Safe isn’t going to give you happiness.’
‘Are you speaking from experience?’ she asked blandly. ‘You’re staying at home so you can be safe, so you can protect your mother and help your father. So you don’t have to face your real feelings about your family.’
He stared at her. ‘There are no feelings.’
‘So you’re happy?’ she prodded. ‘You’re safe and happy, the ultimate juxtaposition, according to you?’
He stood again. ‘This isn’t fair.’
‘It is, but you don’t like it.’ She stood now, too. ‘Which is fine. You don’t have to like it.’
‘You’re using this as an excuse to push me away.’
‘I don’t need an excuse. I’ve told you every reason we can’t continue this.’ She gestured between them.
‘You’re really that scared of trusting someone?’ he asked. ‘Is being alone better than taking a chance?’
She folded her arms, the line of her mouth flat. ‘Yes. I’ve spent my life learning that lesson. I won’t let anyone hurt me the way my family has.’
‘Even if it means pushing away someone who—’ he swallowed. Said it anyway. Because he was a fool ‘—loves you?’
She blinked. Again, and again, until her lashes were fluttering like the wings of a butterfly. He tried to give her a moment to process. He couldn’t.
‘I haven’t once let you down, Alexa. I’ve been there for you since this entire thing with Lee started. I lied, yes, but I thought...’ He shook his head. ‘I wasn’t doing it to hurt you. The very opposite, in fact.’ He took a step closer. ‘Trust me. Trust me because I love you, and I’ll try to do better because I love you. Trust me because I’ve shown you that you can.’
She was shaking her head before he had finished speaking. ‘You need to care about yourself, too, in order to love, Ben. I don’t think you do.’
With that, she walked away.
* * *
It had not been a good week. Someone had forgotten to order the seafood for the restaurant on Monday. It meant that Alexa had to remove all relevant dishes from the menu, make thousands of apologies, and offer substitutes. Then, on Wednesday, someone had forgotten about the staff meeting, come in late, and the event that was being hosted that evening had a few hiccups because the meeting hadn’t proceeded.
Everyone made mistakes. She tried to remember that on Friday evening, when she was dead on her feet and contemplating disciplinary action. It complicated things that she’d been the someone who’d forgetten and needed to be punished. Maybe she would get her staff to give her a roasting. Making fun of her would hopefully rebuild the morale that seemed to be lacking, too.
‘Hey.’ Kenya appeared in her doorway, leaning against the frame of it as though she’d always been there. She was holding two bottles of beer. ‘I thought you could use one?’
‘Thanks, but I can’t drink it.’
Kenya’s brow quirked. ‘Since when are you this strict about alcohol on a Friday night?’
She couldn’t be bothered to keep it a secret any more. She was almost sixteen weeks pregnant with twins, her body was becoming fuller by the day, her plan to have the restaurant secured before her maternity leave had imploded, and she was tired of keeping it all to herself. At least before, she’d had Benjamin to confide in. That was no longer an option. She tried not to listen to the crack of her heart at that thought.
‘Since I got pregnant.’
‘You’re pregnant?’ Kenya stepped inside the office, slammed the door, and then put both beers on Alexa’s desk. ‘Who do I have to kill?’
‘Why are you killing someone?’ Alexa asked with a laugh.
‘Because they knocked you up! Unless...’ She eyed Alexa suspiciously ‘Did you want to be knocked up?’
‘Yes.’
‘Oh.’ Kenya frowned. ‘You trapped them.’
She chuckled again. ‘I didn’t trap anyone. I went to a sperm bank because your family made me remember how much I wanted my own. How soon I wanted it, too.’ She shrugged and let out a small smile. ‘Anyway, that’s why I’ve been dressing like this. Trying to hide the bump.’
‘I was wondering.’ Kenya dropped into the chair on the visitor’s side of Alexa’s desk. She drank her beer. ‘Honestly, I thought you were going through a boho chic period.’
‘Seriously?’
‘I didn’t want to limit you with my expectations of who you are.’ Kenya smiled, but it lacked its fire. Alexa found out why a couple of seconds later. ‘Why didn’t you tell me you were doing this? I could have come with you. Supported you. From what I know about the process, it isn’t easy.’
‘No, it isn’t. And honestly? I could have used the support.’ Her heart ached at the acknowledgement. ‘But I’m an idiot.’ She offered Kenya a small smile. ‘I thought that if I let you in, you’d hurt me. I’ve got so used to doing things on my own, I thought I could do this.’
She wasn’t talking about conceiving her children any more, and they both knew it.
‘Why would you think that?’ Kenya’s voice was soft, and a little judgemental. Alexa smiled.
‘It’s what I’m used to,’ she said. ‘My family is messed up. And every time I thought something was going right, it was really...not.’
She should have explained it better, but it occurred to her that she hadn’t told Kenya anything of her personal life. She knew that Kenya had three older brothers, seven nieces, one nephew and a daughter, and that motherhood had pushed her to finally get the therapy she thought she needed. Alexa knew all of that, but she hadn’t told Kenya one thing about her family.
‘It’s a long story, and I should have told you more of it sooner,’ she said softly.
Kenya didn’t blink. ‘You should have, yes.’
‘I’m sorry. For all of it.’
‘Good.’ Kenya didn’t look away as she drank from her beer. ‘So, should we thank the pregnancy for this stupendous week, or the family?’
‘Neither. Or maybe the family? I don’t know.’ It was the perfect opportunity to make things right with Kenya. Or at least to start to. ‘I think it’s mostly because of the fake boyfriend.’
‘Explain.’
So she did. She told Kenya about her terrible brother, who’d inspired her to pretend her rival was her boyfriend. How Benjamin had gone along with it, even after he’d found out she was pregnant. She told Kenya about the twins—to which she got a colourful reply—and about how things had snowballed, but in a nice way, with Benjamin. And then how it had all melted, leaving her feeling as though she was drowning.
She ended on an apology, because she’d been a bad friend and a worse boss. She couldn’t secure the restaurant before she was on maternity leave. She could probably still try, but time
was running out and—
‘Firstly,’ Kenya interrupted, ‘you’ve been a pretty terrible friend. There’s no way you’re worse as a boss.’
‘Wow. Thanks.’
‘Secondly,’ Kenya continued with a grin, ‘we haven’t had a head chef for almost four months now. I know you’ve been picking up a lot of the slack, but that’s because you didn’t trust us—’ she gave Alexa a look ‘—to help you with it. You don’t have to kill yourself to find a replacement chef before you go on leave. If you do, great, and we’ll help train them. If you don’t, we’ll survive.’
Kenya leaned forward and rested a hand on Alexa’s.
‘Babe, you’ve built a damn good team. You’ve also earned our loyalty. That includes helping out when things get rough.’ She squeezed. ‘It includes taking care of things while you have your babies. We could probably help you get ready for the babies, too.’
‘Oh, that’s not—’ She cut herself off. ‘Thank you,’ she said instead. ‘That means a lot.’
‘Yeah, well, it should.’ Kenya softened her words with a smile. ‘You mean a lot to us.’
‘And you mean a lot to me.’
Kenya blinked. Then took the last swig of her beer. ‘Thanks. Now, let’s go tell the people out there you’re having two babies.’
‘Oh. Oh, yeah. Okay.’
‘It’s been a rough week for all of us. This would help. But only if you want to do it.’
She thought about it for a long time. Then she nodded and stood up. ‘Let’s go.’
The reaction was more than she could have ever anticipated or expected. A stunned silence followed her words, but after that someone began to cheer. People came forward to congratulate her, offering her words of encouragement and advice, asking how they could help.
Alexa swallowed down her emotion many times in the next hour, her eyes prickling at the support she had no idea she’d already had. When she caught Kenya’s eye later, she got a wink and a knowing look in return. It made the tears she was holding back run down her cheeks, and she was immediately handed tissues from three different directions. She laughed, waved off concern, pressed the tissue to her eyes. And in that moment she realised two things:
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